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Marriage and depression #2833927
01/23/19 03:34 AM
01/23/19 03:34 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
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DaveK  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
I'm David and married to my wife for over 18 years. I love her with all my heart, I always have. I admit I should have been a better husband, but all I knew about what dads do is work their tails off to provide for the family.
So here it goes...about 7 months ago my wife told me that she no longer loves me. She gave a long laundry list of things that I did wrong, from not helping to set up the Christmas tree one year to walking too fast to not staying home when she was sick and take care of the kids (I have emails to my bosses stating otherwise), and many more things. One of the core issues she raised was that I didn't do anything when my son came out with his gender identity issue. My wife dove right into that issue as she always does with everything and she got in touch with experts and therapists and within days had appointments lined up. I had to wrap my mind around things first while she was miles ahead and there was nothing I could disagree with the path she took. She blamed me for leaving her alone, that she felt like a single parent. She accused me of not caring about our two sons, that I am a horrible dad. That I never do any chores around the house and that sex was boring and a bunch of other things.
I was floored and that announcement threw me off the tracks. Only very few weeks later she told me that she has a relationship with someone she met on Facebook. He lives in India, is about half her age, and she went on and on that she loves him and misses him and wants to be with him. She wants a divorce and move to India. I crashed and was totally destroyed. At one point I could not deal with it anymore and went to HR at work. They set me up with a few free therapy sessions. My wife joined me on two, but it really didn't matter. I eventually had to stop therapy because with an out of network provider I could not afford it.

In the months after that I cried a lot. I could not sleep. At work I would doze off in meetings. We would fight often and I got angry when she video chatted with her boyfriend right in front of me. Shen then got a visa and visited him for two weeks. I know they at least kissed, but I don't know if it went any further. She took quite a lot of money with her, always telling me that India is so cheap and that she will get all the great deals. I messaged her and told her that I miss her, but she got very upset about it and told me that she does not need my commentary and wants to enjoy herself. So for the first week we did not communicate and she barely contacted our sons. Then out of a sudden she got all friendly again and asked about how I'm doing....and yea, she ran out of money. I was livid and told her that I won't send money, that her boyfriend should take care of her if he is so much better than me. It went like that for a few hours until I gave in and sent her some more money. A few days later she begged me to book her a hotel because she would otherwise end up on the street. I got her a hotel near the airport. And on the day she was supposed to fly back she missed the flight because she could not be bothered to read the time on the ticket. So I got her another ticket so that she can come back home.

After that things were rough. I would cry a lot, especially when I heard her chatting with her bf. She would then accuse me of wanting to sabotage her relationship. It took me around 3 months to get some stability back into myself. Since then I took all the things she complained about to heart. I cook, I clean, I spend more time with the kids, work is no longer a priority, I get her things she likes, I try to spend a lot of quality time with her, and back her up as much as I can. Yet, she still is with that guy from India, although it is only long distance. She used to lock herself into the bathroom, turn the fan on, and talk to him. Since a few weeks she does not do that anymore, at least not when I am at home. The last time I got into a fight with her about her cheating was when her bf publicly ridiculed me on FB. I know it is just FB and he is obviously immature and reckless. My wife said that he was also drunk, something that seems to happen often and that is when he gets mean and abusive.

My wife drinks a lot as well. First it was beer and then changed to hard liquor. I got really concerned and was looking for help from al anon. My kids talked to her and she at least stopped drinking the hard stuff. At one point I organized for her to get into an outpatient program, but a day before we were supposed to go to the first interview she asked me to cancel.
She eventually went to her doctor and asked for antidepressants. We went through a lot of trouble to finally find a therapist for her, so she goes there regularly. Since then things got much better. She does things around the house, we spend really nice Sunday afternoons, she started cooking again, goes to the store, brings my youngest son to dance class (most of the time), and for weeks has not mentioned her bf to me, although I am sure that they still communicate. She wrote a really good resume and applied for jobs. She did not work for 16 years because she homeschooled our sons with excellent success (oldest graduated high school with 16). Now she is down because so far nobody called back to at least offer her an interview.

The topic of divorce did not surface for a few weeks, but I still think she wants to leave me. I keep doing all the things I do, all the bathroom cleaning and litter box shoveling and cook Sunday dinner every week. I help her in any which way I can although I get absolutely nothing in return. She means so much to me. I love her with all my heart. I don't want a divorce....and that is what brought me here. I'm afraid of losing her and don't know what else to do.
I joined a club where we play board games once a week. I also restarted therapy for myself with a different provider. But there isn't a day where I do not cry. I love my wife and I miss the person she used to be.

Sorry for the long post. I'm on the edge for months now and I don't know what else I can do to save our marriage. Is there any help?


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833929
01/23/19 04:02 AM
01/23/19 04:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,240
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,240
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833930
01/23/19 04:33 AM
01/23/19 04:33 AM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,498
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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ovrrnbw  Offline
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Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,498
Missouruh
Your son having gender identity issues is a big deal. Not everyone processes that the same way. You aren't obligated to do things her way all the time. You have a heart and brain of your own.

If your W traveled across the globe to see this man, I'm sure it got physical. She sounds like she is in full crisis mode, not that there's anything you can say to snap her out of it. Never tolerate her flaunting the OM (other man) in your face. Do not let that happen. Tell her to get out if she's going to do that. I'm sure if you told a random person that your W is in an affair with someone half her age on the other side of the planet, they'd say she's lost her marbles. And they'd be right.

If your W is taking a lot of money to travel and do wayward wife (WW) stuff, you probably need to separate your finances from hers. You basically financed her little trip to see the OM. I can't believe you did that...I'm very sorry. You must be very upset. You don't need to discuss OM with your W ever again. I would stop all conversations about her and him.

You need to pull a 180 and stop all pursuit. Seriously, just back off, do your thing, and leave her alone. This means stop trying to spend time with her and stop trying to buy her things and do nice things. She doesn't want you or these acts.

Your W is very, very disrespectful. And unfortunately you've allowed it to happen. You need to 180 here. This will be hard. She is used to manipulating you and winning.

Read the detachment link and get to work on detaching. You are 7 months out from BD (bomb drop) and you should start letting her go. You want it to be where you are not emotionally hung up on what she says and does and where you can think logically and act from your values instead of financing her affair flight and hotels.

Anyways, keep posting and let us know what's going on. We've all been in your shoes in one way or another and we are all hear to help.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833934
01/23/19 05:17 AM
01/23/19 05:17 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 400
OT
A
Adam04 Offline
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Adam04  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 400
OT
Dave,

Sorry to hear of your sitch. I can empathize with you. The good in the bad is that we all can empathize with you here. You are in the right place. Please start to take the time to read through Cadet's links.

Read Sandi's Rules. Also read her threads on WW, the wayward wife.

The faster you're able to familiarize yourself with the core information here, the faster you will be able to save yourself and change your mindset.

What your W is doing is not your fault. Don't beat yourself up over the choices she's making while being your W.

No one is perfect Dave. I also have a laundry list of things I didn't do, didn't do right, or did too much of. Some of the valid things you can identify with, you can do your 180s on, but you do them for you, not for her. Did you get the Divorce Remedy book? If so, spend some time reading that and DO NOT show your wife anything about that book or this site. This is for you only. Delete your browser history after using the pc or wipe your history off any devices you use for this.

Please take some time to read Sandi's posts on the WW. It will help you to get a better understanding. Once you begin this process, you can start to realize this is a journey to save yourself first and foremost. If this can save your marriage, then so be it.

Wife gone 2 weeks, they only kissed? Your sex life is boring? She got a visa to leave the country, I highly doubt she will be only kissing. I say this not to be mean, but to let you know we see what you are saying. You will need to wake up from the denial. Read my first posts and see what kind of comments I got about being in denial. I quickly got affirmation and knew I wasn't going crazy.

There is a lot of information here and you just started so familiarize yourself with the language and the links. Once you get settled in, then you will -need- to work on YOU, getting your manhood back. You're going to want to be the man your wife wants to be with and not the man who will do anything to appease his wayward wife. It's hard to hear of your wife having a BF and then the whole FB incident, and you're saying it's only FB.

I know you love your W, but can I ask, do you love yourself more than your W? When I read this I see a man who will do anything for his W even when she is disrespecting him, putting her selfish wants ahead of you. I feel for you Dave, really sorry to hear she was/is treating you that way.

There is help. There is tremendous help for you here. Don't get discouraged if at first you don't find the quick fix or magic bullet to save the marriage. This is your journey.

The advice I can offer is the faster you learn to let go, the better your mental and emotional state. It will take a while, but the faster you begin, the sooner the better.

Don't use anything mentioned here and share them with your W. This is your journey now for you.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833950
01/23/19 01:53 PM
01/23/19 01:53 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,096
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,096
Originally Posted by DaveK
She blamed me for leaving her alone, that she felt like a single parent. She accused me of not caring about our two sons, that I am a horrible dad. That I never do any chores around the house and that sex was boring and a bunch of other things.


Dave, have you read DR yet? Do that right away. The above is classic, typical "rewriting of history". Your wife is wayward and once they go wayward they look for any excuses they can to justify their new "girls gone wild" life. Rewriting history to make you sound like the worst H ever is an easy way to do that.

Quote
Shen then got a visa and visited him for two weeks. I know they at least kissed, but I don't know if it went any further. She took quite a lot of money with her, always telling me that India is so cheap and that she will get all the great deals.


YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! Wow, she is really off the rails.

Quote
I messaged her and told her that I miss her, but she got very upset about it and told me that she does not need my commentary and wants to enjoy herself.


Do not tell her you miss her. This should have been your queue to go dark on her.

Quote
yea, she ran out of money. I was livid and told her that I won't send money, that her boyfriend should take care of her if he is so much better than me.


THAT was a perfect response!!

Quote
It went like that for a few hours until I gave in and sent her some more money. A few days later she begged me to book her a hotel because she would otherwise end up on the street. I got her a hotel near the airport. And on the day she was supposed to fly back she missed the flight because she could not be bothered to read the time on the ticket. So I got her another ticket so that she can come back home.


But man oh man you really blew it there. This woman is disrespecting you, literally wiping her feet on you like a doormat while she blatantly engages in an affair. Your coddling treatment of her is only making things WORSE, because every time you help her she respects you even less! Right now she is looking at you like the most pathetic excuse for a man she's ever seen, because what real man would give a woman money and constantly rescue her from her idiotic mistakes while she is actively engaging in an overt affair? So STOP. To earn her respect back you've got to quit putting up with her BS. Quit rescuing her, quit sitting there while she FT's this loser in India, quit being chummy with her. No ILY, no I miss you, no nothing.

By the way I am not attacking your masculinity, I am just trying to describe how she sees you right now. I understand you are hurting and miserable and trying desperately to patch things back up and doing what you feel is best. But what your brain is telling you to do is not the way to handle things. DBing is counter-intuitive, it's doing the opposite of what your brain tells you do to (beg, plead, reason, negotiate, bribe, etc.)

Quote
After that things were rough. I would cry a lot, especially when I heard her chatting with her bf.


First don't show emotion in front of her anymore. Cry in your car, or the bathroom or whatever. But not in front of her. Second, DO NOT put up with her chatting with her BF in front of you. Tell her to take it out of your house, you're not going to put up with it. If she refuses and does it in front of you then get angry and read her the riot act while she is FT'ing him. Put a stop to that crap NOW.

Quote
Since then I took all the things she complained about to heart.


You can't placate a wayward wife!

Quote
I cook, I clean, I spend more time with the kids, work is no longer a priority, I get her things she likes, I try to spend a lot of quality time with her, and back her up as much as I can.


Spending more time with the kids is the ONLY thing there that you should be doing. The other stuff will have zero impact on her, and in fact just makes you look weak to her.

Quote
Yet, she still is with that guy from India, although it is only long distance.


And until that stops, you should not lift a finger for her.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833974
01/23/19 03:27 PM
01/23/19 03:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
Member
DaveK  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Thank you all for the quick replies. A lot to digest. I will look at the resources about the "wayward wife" first. Maybe then I understand why being mean and unsupportive to her will potentially accomplish. I heard that advice before, but it feels to me as if I give up on her, push her away when I want the opposite. It's all just so damn hard.
As far as money goes....she could have grabbed more, but didn't. She has her own CC card and accumulated quite a good amount on it, but I told her that I am not paying for anything that wasn't health care related or for kids activities. That is one motivation why she wants to find a full time job so that she can pay off what I can only guess is quite a bit. We still have a joined account and I already asked that the only way for her to lose access is by her to sign papers for it. She will then bring up the same argument as before that half of everything is hers. I told her that it is not hers or mine, but ours. Same with the house.
Along the way I made mistakes, I should have far less accommodating especially with her trip. I know better now. Back then I was in total shock...and none of this ever came up in my mind, so I did what I thought was right at the moment.
I will talk to my therapist about the most effective way to disassociate from her...which is difficult when she still lives in the same house. Why can't there be a genie in the bottle that tells her she's on the wrong track? I guess life is never easy.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833980
01/23/19 03:55 PM
01/23/19 03:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,240
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,240
NY
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833982
01/23/19 03:57 PM
01/23/19 03:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 773
S
SoTorn Offline
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SoTorn  Offline
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S
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 773
You dont have to be mean. You detach for your emotional health. Your WW is about as disrespectful as mine. I go nearly full no contact with her. This doesnt mean I am mean. I'm just not available to her and do not interact.

You really need to read everything here and get DR. Start implementing DB. You will feel a lot better once you detach.

Like it has been said. Stop all of the crap you are doing. You are not going to nice her back to reality. When you do nice things in response to disrespect you make yourself look weak. You need to drop the beta Male act and go alpha.

An alpha Male takes care of himself and takes zero [censored] from everyone else. But the alpha does it without being rude or keen. Confidence is key.

Please remember to journal here daily. If you have an interaction with WW post about it here for feedback. If you want to say something to your WW, post it here first before you do.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833983
01/23/19 03:57 PM
01/23/19 03:57 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,583
L
LH19 Online
Member
LH19  Online
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,583
Originally Posted by DaveK
Maybe then I understand why being mean and unsupportive to her will potentially accomplish.


David no one is telling you to be mean and unsupportive. Don't confuse that with not being a doormat and weak.

For an example when she asked you to book a hotel room or she would end up on the street. A good response would have been "I am sorry to hear that, I am sure you will figure it out".

The hardest thing for newbies mainly men to understand is that you can't nice your way back. They end up acting like (another word for cats) and actually make matters worse.

It takes a lot of strength early on to say this is BS and I am not going to put up with it.

Do you have the strength David?

Last edited by LH19; 01/23/19 03:58 PM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Marriage and depression [Re: DaveK] #2833992
01/23/19 04:15 PM
01/23/19 04:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
D
DaveK Offline OP
Member
DaveK  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 129
Schenectady, NY
Read 'For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife'.....it made me cry. A lot of things listed in there are the things I did. A few things I will stop doing immediately:
- respond to her FB messages during the day. I know she is bored and that is why she wants to be entertained by me.
- cook Sunday dinner. For various reasons I didn't do it last Sunday and it apparently was not an issue
- give her a Valentine's Day gift. I got her golden unicorn earrings, she loves unicorns. I was working on a card as well.I put the earrings away, maybe one day she really deserves them
- fold and put her laundry away....if it blocks the dryer or wash machine I drop it into a basket....will still wash the kids' clothes
- celebrate Sunday afternoons and tell her that I liked being with her. I really do enjoy it because it is like old times when we just spent time together. I will go to the gym instead and let her figure out how to tune in her favorite cooking channel on YT TV
- offering her to join me for board game night. She mentioned some interest a few days ago, but I always wonder if she is not just eager to get me out of the house
- help fer with sending her job postings.....I have no real clue what job she wants since there is something wrong with everything I suggest....and she is perfectly capable of operating Google and Monster
- go bananas of the food she cooks....but that will be damn hard because she is an amazing cook
- ask her if she needs something from the store...it will be tricky when doing grocery shopping

What I already no longer do
- comment on her looks
- tell her that I love her...I told her plenty of times and if she doesn't know by now it wont help
- bother with her car. I spent 1600$ on repairs in November, so it is safe to drive and that should be good enough...and technically it is my car, both cars are in my name

Leaves a few things I am unsure about
- make coffee for both of us in the morning....any harm in doing that?
- tell her where I'm going....thinking of emergencies, and she does tell me where she is going

And the biggest problem of all....what to do when I hit the emotional wall and break down. I haven't figured out how to cope with all of this, her, me, my marriage, the kids....especially my kids.

Wow...this is so damn hard.


me: 45 wife: 44
son: 13 son: 17
married in 2000
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