Figuring Out What Comes Next

[DonH]

I just wanted to leave a quick post before heading out on what a good female friend of mine has been calling Cruisegate 2019. Ba ha ha ha. I'm clearly not as excited as I hoped I would be. This is not how I thought this was going to go. Thankfully there are so many other people going and that will make it easier. I no longer have any pressure whatsoever to impress Wild Girl so I'll just 100% be being me - which is how it should be anyhow but we all know it's a bit different when you have some skin in the game.

WG's new BF called me last night. I will give him this - he has guts. I could tell he was very, very nervous, stuttering, not sure what to say so I took it very easy on him. I don't know if he is this naive, doesn't want to know the truth or is just so head over heels that he's accepting it all - reluctantly. "She's been keeping me in the dark" he said. LOL, Yeah, i'll be you she has. He didn't ask about us, our past, etc. My plan was to simply tell him, "I think you need to talk to Wild Girl about that" but since he didn't ask... He did ask about "the sleeping arrangements." For that I just responded "Have you ever been on a cruise - it's pretty cramped quarters." He asked if I'll be a gentleman. How do I even answer that? Again, had he been a jerk or disrespectful I would have had many answers but he is so stressed I just said, "Look, don't stress all week and make yourself sick. She will come back home and your life will go on." For the first time I really felt the age difference - me being 55, WG 42 and New BF 41. I almost felt like a father giving advice. LOL. He's never married from what I can tell and fresh out of a 15 year R. Clearly it's a rebound R that I'm thinking started as an EA of not PA. Good luck with that you two!

How did I get myself into this? Thing is, I could totally see it with a long time friend - totally. Just not with someone I was naked with four months ago. If he knew that, he'd freak I'm sure but again, how naive can he be? Not my problem.

I hope it's a great time. I won't even speculate. Part of me wishes I was going alone but another part knows that would not have been fun either. So all I can do is make the best of it. I guess one saving grace is I don't have any regret or longing or attraction. I see WG and all of this for what it is. Sadly, it doesn't at all help my overall outlook going forward. I was looking at the FB page of someone I've done some addiction things with. She's a nurse, recently divorced and all I see is Housewives of Orange County. She's dating this guy 10 years old than her that totally looks like Brooks. Her friends were all out for NYE - most look single, all in their 50s and I'm like, uggggg, disgusting. It's just not the life I ever saw myself leading. One couple going with us just had their 5th grandchild yesterday. They are married 36 years. That's how it's SUPPOSED TO BE. Saw my brother and SIL and nieces for my mom's birthday last night. They are married 27 years. That's how it's supposed to go. I'm just so turned off by this dating and making out in parking lots - in our 40s and 50s? Really? I just can't help but see WAW and WW everywhere I look. Just sad and takes me back to when I was 20 and happened across that "Middle age pickup joint" I talked about a few weeks ago. And they are sooooo desperate to find SOMEONE - ANYONE. It's such a huge turn off to me.

So you can see where my mind is. Like I said, I'm hoping I'll snap out of it. It is what it is and I can't do anything about it. Had I had it to do over again I would have nipped this in the bud back in September. Then again, I really didn't have a solid Plan B person so I have no doubt that is partly why I didn't. And for all I know, we'll have a great, great time and it will all work out. She can be my wing woman LOL.

Anyhow, hoping for great weather and lots of fun - regardless of what happens. And I'll give you all a report on Cruisegate 2019 when I return!

[Coconut]

Well that's an interesting phone call, I'm not sure how I would have handled it, but I'm guessing not as nicely as you did.. I am pretty surprised that WG gave him your phone number, especially without asking you if it was ok first.. I can't tell if she is so free spirited that she doesn't see where his concerns are coming from, or if she just isn't as into him as he is her, so she treats their R as just casually dating.. it's all very odd.

As for the cruise, I think you'll have a much better time with her there than alone. I'm sure you all will set up a couple of group (band) meals, but it's no fun always being alone on a cruise ship outside of those times... You don't need to have sex to have fun on a cruise, there are so many activities, shows, places to explore, it's all better when you have someone with you..

Have fun Don, eagerly awaiting the debrief on the cruise..

ps - I agree with the wing woman comment, I'm guessing she would be a good one.

[job]

Wishing you a fun and enjoyable cruise. Hopefully the weather will be great.

[JujuB]

Wow. Phone calls from boyfriends. That is just the kind of drama I would want to avoid - at any point of my life. But thats more typical of high school/college stuff. He was out of line to call and make this about you. But you handled it well.

I agree with what your saying. I always wanted a family lifestyle. Like how i grew up. (Although in my sitch, i sm living EXACTLY how i grew up - but you know what i mean). Dating, boy friends at this age does not appeal to me. Stability, partnership, children do. And I am so dissapointed i ended up here as well. Its hard to believe that people elect to have a that lifestyle.

When you talk about those house wives - i envision women done up like teenagers with weird squinty eyes from face lifts. Men go for this! (I think it looks awful. I like natural)

Maybe all this waywardness is just people fighting aging and the natural order of things.

Hope you have a great time on your trip. Cant wait to hear updates.

[kml]

Hope you're having a good time - or at least an adventure (or misadventure) that you can laugh about with friends in the future.

[DonH]

Greetings rom Porto Rico - about to pull into port. Wild girl is in The shower. Quick update - it’s going better than expected. Either my mind reading was WAY too much into all of this - or she’s feeding be a line to save face. She thought I was no longer interested, is shocked that I was upset or even cared to the point she started tearing up and pufuesely apologizing. Took three days and her talking to my friend but it all finally came out. I’ll give the whole story. It’s why communication is so important.

So I’m very glad she came and unbelievably glad I didn’t have to go alone. We are not purposely trying to spend alone time but it happens a lot by itself. Everyone is getting ready for port. I’d have been alone all day today so far. I don’t see this taking off again but BF had a reason to worry - I’m just going to say. He’s also doing all the wrong things - putting huge pressure on her and it’s pushing her right away. Full report when I get back but im having an amazing time - just about like I had hoped minus actual sex. At least all of the other effection is still there. Clearly I can’t let my and other people’s baggage influence me. Clearly this story has not ended. But relax I still see it all for what it is.

Full report soon !

[Maika]

*** busting out the popcorn and nachos and hotdogs and candy corn and a bottle of tequila***

[kml]

Can't wait to hear the follow up.

[TBSakaJ9]

Come on DH give us the 411. Did you follow the coaches advice? Hang out, hook up and have fun? Did you create a fun filled, romantic opportunity for sex to happen????

[DonH]

Sorry it's taken so long to get to post this - and because evidently I've been put in time out you won't see this post until someone makes sure I didn't use any naughty words that third graders use but we can't. I digress... there is so very much to tell and so much insight - including into the past months. The thing is, believe only half of what you see and none of what you hear. I think that's how it goes - and even in dating, like this, it's really applicable. I really don't believe what she told me and spoiler alert, she's trying to blame the cooling off on me and denies she didn't call me back, would not initiate texts, etc. She clearly hugely struggles with the truth - and that is one of my deal breakers. My other deal breaker is smoking - she clearly struggles with the truth there as well but I again digress. Let's get to the week.

It was mostly what I hoped it would be for nearly the last year now - just not a sex-filled week - at least not like it used to be when Wild Girl and I would get together and what I thought it would be back in the summer. However, it was way, way better than I thought it would be in the weeks leading up to sailing.

She came out on Thursday night and things were mostly normal. Nice hug greeting but no kiss. We went to a local place for some food and drinks. Things were a bit strained but not too much. We came back about 10 PM and were going to be picked up around 3 AM - Don't ask me why but it was not my call. She broke my shower - long story and no I was not in it with her. Then she could not sleep and I just went to bed alone. I was very restless and either the food or too much ibuprofen and Tylenol for my tooth really upset my stomach. She finally crashed on the couch and the alarm went off before we knew it. Only I was sick - really sick - as in puking sick. Uggggg great way to start out. At least it self limited.

We arrived early - by noon so had the day in Miami and went to South Beech. Things there were somewhat normal, even some hand holding. The hotel room had two beds and we made use of both of them. At least she was trying to be good. Saturday AM we had our first in depth chat about the situation (again I'll save these details for a later post) followed by our first kiss - nothing major. I should also mention that she had her monthly visit so it would not have allowed for some things anyhow. With this new guy's sister on the ship, it also made things a bit awkward for her - certainly not for me. He was also blowing up her phone and from what I could tell being a jerk as she didn't even want to talk with him anymore. Hmmmm. Evidently he "put her through hell" in the week leading up to the cruise. For some reason, she can't or doesn't want to understand why it's not normal to have one BF and go on a cruise with another guy. She really claims to not get it.

In the cabin there just wasn't a practical way to not share the bed. She made one comment about using the couch - which looked beyond uncomfortable and had our suit cases and other things piled on it. We had a queen size bed so it's not like we were on top of each other. She kept her PJs for the the first days - again due at least in part to her condition.

By Sunday, her monthly visit was done, we were back to a better rhythm and now out of phone service she was much more relaxed. We coasted along until word got out to our close group friends that she might have a BF. So now she felt really uncomfortable - well she did it to herself. I'd say Monday was the most down day - for multiple reasons including one of our ports got cancelled and it included a dune buggy excursion that we were really looking forward to. I know Monday was the most down day for me. I guess we all had one. But by Tuesday, things were starting to get much better. Wednesday was I think our best day. We did an ATV excursion with our group of 8 and it was beyond a blast. At night Wild Girl and I had dinner by ourselves at one of the specialty restaurants. This clearly helps me to answer Joseph's question

Did you create a fun filled, romantic opportunity for sex to happen????

It should be no surprise but after a really great day and going into a romantic dinner, things would set the stage. We talked more and by this time were already getting closer, including sleeping as we always had in the past at my house (I didn't think Wild Girl even owned PJs) LOL. I'm sure you know what's coming after such a fun-filled day and romantic dinner, including hand holding across the table and a few kisses. She did hold out to this 7th day - before having full sex I mean. I have to take great credit for that as well as I didn't push things at all. I let her take the lead. Once this ice was broken, it's how things would run through the rest of the cruise and until we got back.

By Friday Wild Girl was really starting to miss her girls. She may have missed someone else as well but she didn't comment on it. At first she was not going to stay Saturday night as planned after we got back but in the end she did. Her phone was blowing up very early Sunday morning already. When I asked who it was, "Who do you think" was the response. I'm sure he had a miserable week. She left about 9 AM and my life has returned to normal - at least my normal.

I will discuss all that I learned in a later post. I have to say, that I was right about one thing - I would have been really miserable and added to my already damaging cruise PTSD had I gone alone. Even though we didn't try to, we were together most all of the time. Those of you on here who are friends with me on FB have commented that it looked like a "couple-ee" cruise - and it was. Everyone in our close group was with a SO. We had rough seas on Wednesday night and all the couples retired early. I would have been left. That happened a lot. We had time to ourselves. I did have to perform with both bands - and that was more time than I anticipated but it was mostly in the first three days of the cruise. I again had Wednesday off which also helped that be the best day. Nights got more sparse. It was Wild Girl and I much of the time - then joined by all of the others who weaved in and out during the days.

I really needed this vacation and also needed it to go well. It stinks that it had to happen as it did. Right or wrong I am walking away from it all just fine. If anyone is to blame in all of this it's Wild Girl. She did not tell this guy a single word about the cruise until between Christmas and New Years. Not a word. She didn't tell me about him until the same time. She clearly orchestrated all of this so she could have the cruise with me and the new R with the new guy. Which, BTW, he claims they started dating in August - which she flat out denies and says he was still living with his GF of 14 years in August. He clearly went right from that girl to Wild Girl. WG was very likely the other woman who gave him the security to finally leave what he knew was not a good R. He can't be by himself? It certainly looks that way. I remember her telling me about this guy - calling him "her buddy" - which is what she says of me to him - I'm just her buddy. I'm pretty sure his sister saw otherwise and told him so - he just doesn't want to see what's right in front of his face and as long as she is back he doesn't care. Again, that's on him. He wants her or wants someone so bad he is willing to allow pretty much anything for it to happen.

The very first weekend after we re-met and then the following weekend went on a date, I told all of you she was broken. Was that theory not totally proven correct? As for her and I, I know I'll see her again - mostly because she left some cloths here LOL The short-term future will not have me in it - and I'm fine with that and is as much by my choice as anything else. I can't say we won't be friends going forward - just as we have been for a few years already but there is simply no way I could ever trust her. The damage inside of her runs really deep. Yet we get along really great, I learned some things from her, and her from me. In the end we dated for the summer, she started dating someone new - who is way more into her than she is into him - and went back to me for a week. That's dating. The only one not knowing or wanting to know the full truth is her new guy. That's his problem - not mine.

So there you go. After some discussion, I'll give you the details of her side of what happened from about mid-September and us drifting apart. I just don't think what she says is the truth really is the truth. I think the truth challenges her greatly.