Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[pinn]

So Valentine’s Day was uneventful. No sadness or loss or anything. It was a rainy day so I made myself a giant bowl of instant ramen for dinner. Ohhh, but not the 25 cent kind..... the 2 dollar “official and authentic” instant ramen.. (ooooohhhh fancy.) I even added an egg to it, because it was a special occasion and I’m worth it. Ha!

Way to splurge pax! Good for you! haha :-)

[Pax_luv]

Im coming up on 4 years post bd and while I’m in a really good place, I’m so beyond over dealing with my ex. I just really despise him. And not in the sense that I walk around with any feelings about him at all. It’s more so, that I’m over the jabs/ stabs. I’m done.

Today he’s arguing with the forensic accountant over the valuation of the house and community interest. He’s the devil and soooo f’n manipulative. It’s disgusting. He’s all nice to her and respectful, but then turns around is an absolute terd.

I’ve been biting my tongue for 4 years. I know the anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness subsides. But I can’t help but wonder if I’ve bottled it up too much...if I shouldn’t release it somehow... like to his face.

I mean I’ve done all the healthy processing I can do, but so badly I want to reply to the email chain and say, the accountant valued the house at this much, because I was your wife, we were married, we built that home together, and it’s as much mine as it is yours.

[DejaVu6]

(((Pax))) I so know that feeling of just wanting to unleash everything that is bottled up inside. But...don't. You will only regret it. Rise above and be the person you want to be. Let the turd be someone else's problem. (((HUGS)))

[OneArt]

Ah Pax, you know that won't do any good. Make sure to forward it yourself. Write the nastiest response you can think of, and then delete it without sending to him. All it will do is give him SUPPLY which he wants and needs and he will love you for giving him and it will keep the dance going. Instead, give him that lovely gray rock. They cannot stand to be ignored.

[Pax_luv]

Deja and One, you are so right. Just got to keep the mouth zipped. I won’t be giving him any supply. I’m just over it and it’s annoying at this point.

Sometimes I want to be snarky especially when he’s trying to play all innocent and respectful and polite when discussing the finances. I just want to say, “ ohh he’s sooooo charming. I was so lucky to have him!”

Ahhh. I need a new narrative. Court in a few weeks. Hoping I’ll have something positive to share.

[Pax_luv]

Hey hey.

This was supposed to be an eventful week with my sitch, but it ended up not happening. I won’t share the details because it’s too specific, but things continue on as usual. Same crazy shenanigans from ex and his camp.

Unrelated to that above, I got the results of the appraisal for the house. I was surprisingly really anxious when looking at the photos of the house... especially the interior. It just gave me that familiar pang of anxiety and betrayal. It was interesting to see how unbelievably stale the house looked. Some things were the same... some of my decor was still up, but I didn’t see any life or vibrance. It was weird. Or maybe that is the emotion it evoked in me. Regardless, it was hard and painful to look. I won’t go back and review the photos in detail... I don’t need to.

Im glad that’s out of the way and it will come in handy soon, I hope.

Other than that, I’ve been feeling a bit stagnant myself. The last few years my GAL has been on level 10. I was also setting up goals and knocking them out of the park. What’s been challenging the last year has been the fact that finances have been so tight thanks to these crazy legal fees. Sure I could find things to do that are affordable, but it’s tough. I just went to a baby shower and I didn’t bring a gift because I couldn’t afford one. Oh my gosh. It’s so embarrassing. I’ll send her something when payday lines up a little better between these giant expenses.

Anyway, I’d really like to go back to school. At least to get a certificate or something. I’m just wasting away. I mean don’t get me wrong.... I read a lot and do a lot to learn things for free, but it sure would be nice to invest in something tangible that will help me later.

I also continue to look at side hustle opportunities to help financially, but like my lawyer cautioned, ex may get some of that. So.... I sit on my hands.

Alright.... clearly there’s not a lot of substance to this post. I’m a-ok, just feeling stuck. Meh.

[job]

At least the home appraisal is out of the way. One major item out of the way.

As for the baby shower, I know you felt embarrassed, but they understand and you'll make good on it when funds are more available to you.

As for no substance to your posting....you were expressing yourself and that's what is important. You need someone to talk to and we are here for that. Never, ever think your postings don't have substance.

[Gerda]

Pax, I forget if you are living at the house but check my post to DnJ about AirB if you are able to offer a room in your house for travelers. It can be a game changer for having spare cash. I even just rented my whole apartment for a few days in April so I can afford to take my kids somewhere. (Not looking forward to telling H he has to leave for those days.) Also these rentals force you to really clean out your place!

About your looking at the photos -- this made absolute sense, and I think your realizing it is actually very real and true and healthy. It would be weird if it didn't make you feel that way. Honestly from a writing standpoint, that scene of you looking at the photos and feeling that way would be a powerful part of the story!

[job]

You might want to check w/your homeowner's insurance before renting out rooms.

[Pax_luv]

Hey guys, thanks for the input.

Ex is in the house, I’m in an appt. I was the one to foolishly move out. Ex manipulated me to leave. He convinced me it was supposed to be temporary to give us space. he convinced me that I couldn’t possibly manage the property on my own... yada yada. So off I went to do the noble thing for our marriage and give him the space he wanted. What a fool I was. Little did I know he was draining our accounts and writing checks in my name to his sister.... amongst other things.

Criminals.

So, here I am.... in my little ole one bedroom apartment. I can’t do any sort of vacation rental, plus my lawyer was clear that any additional income that I got from anywhere, my ex would go after (as he could technically still have rights to it). It’s all pretty crazy if you ask me as I’m more than willing to look at ways to supplement my income. In fact, I was about to accept another job when my lawyer cautioned me that it might be income available to support ex. Shake my head.

And tonight I just have to share... I am so overwhelmed. Forgive the long winded venting. I’m at my limit.

My legal sitch is nuts. I think I had a longstanding anxiety attack last week given all the court stuff that was supposed to happen. That was tough. Also, Work is pretty stressful. I do love my job, but it’s a big load. I’ve had to raise the white flag a few times and everyone’s been pretty supportive, but I’m a leader and I want to consistently demonstrate that when the going gets tough, I roll up my sleeves and do what’s necessary to get the job done. Unfortunately, the sheer volume is getting increased. I’m in a game of Tetris right now and those bricks are coming faster and faster and my walls are getting taller and taller. It’s precarious. I’m also cognizant of the fact that I’m sure people are like- well, maybe she’s overwhelmed because she has a lot of stuff going on personally as well. <—- and i HATE that because I try to not let my personal stuff interfere. It’s tough and people judge.

Anyway, to relieve the stress, I opted to go to the gym for a late night session tonight. On my way home I stopped at the gas station and a guy my age tried asking Me out. I was polite (as I always am) and he asked for my number and I said, oh no I don’t think so. He said, “why? You married? Have a boyfriend?” I said, “oh no, I’m just not interested. No thank you..” (Definitely not assertive enough on my part). He got a little pissed and said “ Good luck finding a man, you look like youre in your 50’s!” And laughed and walked towards his car.

Ok, so obviously this guy is scum, but I’m not gonna lie...It hurt my feelings. I could never be mean to someone like that.... never ever. It’s not necessarily what he said, it was moreso just being on the receiving end of some jerk’s bad behavior. I didn’t need that nor deserve it.

So, a little rattled, I drive home, pick up my mail and bring it inside. In it is: a baby shower invite, a bridal shower invite, a wedding save the date, dmv bill, an insurance bill, and health insurance paperwork that needs to be filled out ASAP. All of that is so overwhelming! And I was perturbed by the health insurance paperwork because I tried to get ex off my insurance, but they won’t let me remove him unless I can show them the divorce decree. I had to explain that I don’t have it, but I can submit the court minutes to prove I’m divorced and prove the judge said my ex needed to get his own insurance. But given him and his lawyers games and incompetence..... I’ve been divorced for 11 months (the marriage was actually bifurcated) with no proof because they haven’t submitted the judgement.

So since I called the insurance co a while ago to try and submit the court minutes, it triggered something in the system that makes them think I’m covering ex illegally and I have until next week to prove whatever.

So, I Thoight the best to do would be take a shower and go to bed. My friend had given me this natural phytocomplex calming sleep aid to try. She loves it. I’m too afraid to try a sleep aid by myself as I’ve never taken it before so I decided to pop an Advil pm in hopes of just falling asleep and not ruminating on how buried I feel right now.

Ugh. How much more can I take???!!! This is just absolutely bonkers.

Alrighty.... hope you all have a good rest of the week.