This new thread is to help me mark a new phase of self awareness
Tuesday was interesting, to say the least. H called me early in our work day, to say he intended to break things off with OW. It was as if he wanted to rehearse what he was planning to say to her. Why was I not jumping for joy? Because this is now the 3rd time I've been told that the A is over. Because I find myself on a journey of discovery that will continue regardless of the A's status. This was a moment of truth for me.
Briefly, I am 39 yrs old, H is 41 yrs, we are school sweethearts, have been together for 21 years, lived together for 18, married for 10. Since last June I noticed changes in H’s behavior, nothing major, just more attention to looks, clothes, unpredictable movements etc. H dropped bomb on October 11th, was having EA with ex-colleague (42 yrs, M with 2 kids). I did all the wrong things, cried, plead to end the A, all to no avail. In fact, EA escalated to PA shortly after bomb. Some attempts to end have transpired, most recently the breakup of 'yesterday'
I discovered Michele, dbing and this wonderful board mid-Feb and have seen some great results. I feel I need to continue be honest with myself, and having the board to post to is a good motivator!
Journaling for Tuesday. Trying to stay steady through more turbulence
Positives + H seems to be trying to end A + had a GREAT day at work - started spring cleaning to keep my mind off what H was planning to do, to stop expectations rising. Cleared off a lot of rubbish, feels good + fun dinner with a friend, did a bit of shopping for myself too + H calls me when he gets home, and gives me the 3rd degree, subtly, about my whereabouts. He was curious about how I organized dinner at the last minute Mystery rocks
Negatives - H met OW last night to 'negotiate' the end of A - HUH???? Sounds like he still CARES about her opinion, and has perhaps positioned the ending as 'love you forever, but this is reality'. Well, whatever.
I'm off on a short business trip tonight, will expect nothing from H, plan to enjoy my adventure in a new place, meeting new people. Looking forward to catching up with everyone on Friday. Slowly
Hi Betsey - Thanks for the feedback on my crazymaking tendencies - I'm glad I have given part of my pain a name, but the remedy? I still notice these bad habits and tendencies, it is such hard work to get the STOP sign out and just chill, enjoy the moment. I do so hope it will become easier with practice. How to undo 40 years of habit Just one day at a time, I suppose. Slowly
Quote: I still notice these bad habits and tendencies, it is such hard work to get the STOP sign out and just chill, enjoy the moment. I do so hope it will become easier with practice. How to undo 40 years of habit Just one day at a time, I suppose. Slowly
It does get a bit easier I have noticed. I still do it of course, but stop more of it than I used to be able too.
It isn't easy. But it is worth it for yourself!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Slowly, I like the title of your thread--it captures what each of us are going thru. Every day brings us challenges to improve ourselves as persons. You sound like you're working hard at centering yourself, and are making progress.
I began meditation study several months ago, and believe that regular study and practice, keep me from drifting too far off center. Meditation helps me to practice and cultivate tranquility, not having to be in control of events, being compassionate towards my spouse, even though I don't understand all that she's going thru, being less self-centered, not needing everything in life to go my way, and being less reactive towards events and her.
I wasn't working on these skills prior to the separation. I realized that I needed to evolve into greater maturity as a person. I'm using the separation to become a better person. It sounds like you want to grow from your situation too.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi slowly, I had been watching for your new thread... I don't have a lot of input to offer, I think you are doing amazingly well, and that you are more centered and in control of your emotions than perhaps what you recognize.
I am also amazed at how similar our sitches are, and I know full well how up and down a person feels when H is off/on w/OW....I heard for the first time in December--christmas day, in fact, that "this thing is coming apart"...heard pretty much the same thing at least two other times, about a month ago was told that "they aren't seeing each other but still talk and are still friends" ....I think the "love you forever" bit is exactly where stuff is w/my H.......are we long-lost twins? Clones? I LOL though, because my H thinks he's so unique and original. I've never told him how "textbook" he is... take care slowly, you are doing great Deb
Hi slowly, It sounds as if things are really looking up. I think H is still a little torn about what he wants. I also think that if you continue DBing he will eventually give up OW. Yes he still has strong feelings for her and it will take time for him to get over it, but the more time he spends with you the less he will spend with her. Maybe give him a time frame in your mind, a month or so and if he has not given her up completely it may be time for ultimatum. I wish i could just talk to my W. Good Luck, Randy
Slowly--good point! It IS difficult to change a behavior when it's been a way of life for a long time. But this leopard has successfully changed its spots, which makes it possible for you too.
About your H and his feeling the need for closure with the OW, I can understand your disbelief but have to reiterate this strongly: let him do this. It will head off any resentment toward you if you start calling ultimatums.
I was the one in my M who had an EA and doggone close call with a PA. And I can also say with absolute certainty that if Mr. W. had told me to end my friendship with OM, I would have left and not considered his feelings. The fact is, I was getting something from OM that had been missing in my M for a really long time. I was loathe to put myself in a position of not getting what I needed.
I'm not justifying my actions, so please don't think I'm advocating this position. I just know that I needed to close that door in my own time and fashion. I finally closed that door for good a year ago (yes, several months after Mr. W. left). I lost a really good childhood friend because I allowed some boundaries to get fuzzy.
Anyway, if you give him the time and space he needs to process what she meant in the grand scheme of things, I think you can really benefit from the experience. OW is a symptom of a problem--not the cause and not the cure. Let him grieve and process... then you'll know for sure if he comes back it's because he wants to be with you--not out of obligation or guilt.
Make sense? Keep up the great work.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Mystery rocks 
Just one day at a time, I suppose. Slowly 