A WW? (8)

[Gordie]

If your stbxw has negative feelings about you, your d knows it even if stbxw doesn't say it. I'm sure it's really hard for d to show that love for you no matter what stbxw thinks at her age...but probably gets better with time and teen years.

You are doing awesome!

[lt0402]

Well, about 3 weeks into us moving into separate places. We continue to cycle D between us every couple days. D seems to be happy and stable right now. Extremely happy that she's, at least outwardly, holding up ok.

D and I have made the apartment into an excellent home. It feels warm and comfortable. We have a good time when she's here and I'm having a great summer with her so far. When she's not here, I'm trying to be in this place as little as possible. Been out with friends, family, and even just myself. Did a camping trip last weekend, as D was with W, and that was amazing. Really didn't see anyone else and had a ton of space to myself. Got some fishing in, though I caught nothing! Did some hiking around and exploring. And really just let my mind wander wherever it wanted too. Was surprised that it didn't dwell on the past. Guessing that's progress.

STBX has really been odd. She's gone from trying to start arguments, to being pleasant, to walking around in just a towel when I've come over to get D. I just let it all roll off. She texts me a lot still about D, or some bill, or some other non R thing. Trying to parse those and respond to what's important and ignore the other stuff that's just noise. I'm wondering how we will get to a good coparenting R as I don't really see a great path to that at the current moment. She still harbors such resentment and anger. Her circus, but I know we need to be on the same page with respect to D. I said I was done when we physically split and I meant it. I just cannot be her whipping boy anymore. I deserve so much better than that and I realize that now. I let her kick the crap out of me for the last year. Worked my butt off and killed a part of my soul trying to fix things and hold together my family. Her walking out the door was the end of it for me and I'm ok with that.

I'm also finding there are a lot of quality women out there. I'm by no means looking for or ready to date, but my eyes are more open to positive interactions with the women I run into. Still awaiting feedback from stbx on the S agreement too, as she's said nothing about it since I gave it to her a month ago.

D is having a friend over for a sleepover tonight. Trying to keep things normal for her and I believe I'm succeeding for the most part. Makes me happy every time I see that kid. She is my rock and my lighthouse in the storm. Heading to bed but just wanted to toss out a quick update. Thanks to you all, as always!

[DonH]

Well it's been half the summer since we've heard from you lt. I'm guessing that in this case no news is NOT good new - but you never know. Hopefully you will pop back and see this and give us all an update. I hope things are at least going well for you and D even if not for the R.

[lt0402]

Well it's been half the summer since we've heard from you lt. I'm guessing that in this case no news is NOT good new - but you never know. Hopefully you will pop back and see this and give us all an update. I hope things are at least going well for you and D even if not for the R.

Hey Don, sorry I haven't been back to update on how things are going. At this point I'm not even sure where to start with an update, it's been so long! The summer was EXCELLENT! D and I did a week at the beach as well as a bunch of other activities while she was out of school. I worked from home for a chunk of time on the days I had her and it really let me get to see a side of her I hadn't. Honestly, it let me see a side of myself I hadn't either.

I learned during the summer that I'm more than equipped not just to take care of D all the time, but also to help her grow and excel. Was an excellent confidence builder and it re-affirmed that I can make a solid and stable home for D and I. Really enjoyed all the extra time with her over the summer!

School started about a month ago, so we've been getting into that routine. It's really cool being more involved in her school work and homework. Finding that I'm able to help her with some things that STBX was not strong with. My work has been flexible, which has been awesome, bc i'm in late on the days i drop her at school and leave early to grab her. I'm making up a ton of the time by working late into the evenings and on the weekends, but it's so worth it. D seems to be in a stable place right now which is all i can ask for.

STBX and I are doing 50/50 custody w/ a 2/2/3 schedule. Not the biggest fan of the frequent handoffs, but it's manageable so far. STBX continues to be critical of things, but as before, believes she is extremely fair and balanced. I adapt when she's right, and i push back and inform her when i won't do what she asks. Only once have i had to protect a boundary once recently (she wanted me to text her every time i picked up D from school) and i did it respectfully but firmly. Told her that what she was asking was bc of her anxiety and it wasn't healthy. She apologized, mentioned it wasn't ok to ask, and backed off. She is still stressful in our face to face interactions, but those only occur for 5 minutes on the weekends so they're manageable.

For me, i feel like a load has been taken off my shoulders. I realize now that being in house S was like having an anchor on my soul, dragging me down to the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Being out of that situation and in my own world w/ my D feels like a whole different life. It's amazing how different I feel than just a few months ago.

Looking back at the past year and a half, i can think of a few things I should have done differently. I don't really think it would have mattered much though. With that said, I've got no issues with my fighting for my M. Even though it was an extreme longshot, if i was put back in that spot, I'd do it again. Not happy with the outcome, but I'm realizing that I'm so much more than that M. I spend a ton of time with friends now. I'm making new friends. I'm going out when i don't have my D. It's almost like a whole new world has been opened up for me. But the most important thing is the stress has been peeled away and that's huge!

Still waiting on a response from STBX on the S agreement i provided her in early June. Unsure what she's doing on that front. Don't believe she's found a job yet, but i'm hoping she does soon, for her own sanity. Honestly, the best thing that could happen is she finds a job and a man she can love so that hopefully there will be stability in my D's life the 50% of the time she is with STBX. The only thing i find myself fearful from is the thought of uncertainty or instability in my Ds life. She deserves to have a stable childhood and i'll do everything in my power to make sure that happens.

So, overall, I'm doing much better than i was over the past year and a half. Ready to move on and build an awesome life for D and I. I wish our family future still included STBX but I've accepted and am ok that it doesn't at this point. Those are her choices and if that's what she chooses, then more power to her. I've chosen not to let that continue weighing me down.

So in short, things are good! I hope you are doing well too my friend. Sorry I've been absent but I've missed ya'll and would be nowhere near where i am now w/o each of you. Thank You all!

[Maika]

Hey! It was great reading your update and I cycled back to some of your sitch to get some background info.

It's good to read that people like yourself are doing okay after moving out to a new place few months down the line. I just moved out of the marital home last week (we sold it - not what I wanted), and it impacted me a lot more than I thought it would. I was feeling like garbage for a few days but I felt better yday and today is good so far. I was really excited about getting my own space and I still am, but I guess it felt like the finality for the R.

I am just looking forward to creating a great home for the kids and being there for them, even more than before as I have them 50% of the time only - which def $ucks.

Anyways, just wanted to say thanks for posting your update. It was positive to read that I'm going to be okay and need to just give it some time with the new place. Fixed up the kids rooms this weekend and I am looking forward to co-creating good space with them.

[lt0402]

Thanks Maika! I know how you feel about selling the home and doing the physical separation. Was tough for me as well. I will say though, getting away from all of that stress has been a godsend. It's like night and day being out of the environment that had been my home for that year of in house S.

I am just looking forward to creating a great home for the kids and being there for them, even more than before as I have them 50% of the time only - which def $ucks.

Brother, this statement hear tells me that you will be AWESOME in your new life. Your focus is exactly in the right place. Making a great home for you and the kids. While it does suck only having them 50% of the time, it does give you the benefit of getting your life built back up. If you can do that, then you can be an even better and stable dad for the kids. They can sense and will feed off your stability and happiness my friend.

Speaking from experience, my D and I have had a blast in our new home! Being able to do OUR thing w/o the constant tension STBX brought to things has been stellar. Ds happiness has helped fill the void left by STBX, which has been extremely helpful in aiding me in detaching.

You will get there brother. It just takes time and distance. I am sorry you're having to go through it though man. All you can do is keep your focus on you and your kids and keep moving forward. Hang in there and be strong bud! Will catch up on your posts man.

[Gordie]

LT,

Awesome update. You have weathered quite the storm. Amazing how much you have grown as a person through this unwanted experience. And yes, you give me hope too. I hope stbx gets that settlement agreement back soon. What’s taking so long?

[KevinIn]

Well look at Gordie and LT popping onto DB this month. This was the first time i've been here in quite a while.

[DonH]

Just thought I'd check in LT and see how you are doing. The holidays can be a stressful time for all of this. Have you guys filed yet? Any progress on that? It sounds like you were doing pretty well a couple of months ago. I hope is continuing. Let us know when you get the chance.

[lt0402]

Hey Don/Gordie/Kevin!

I know it's been a long time since my last post, but I've been meaning to come by and give everyone an update. A lot has happened since October of 2017!

First, D11 (wow how time flies!) is doing excellent. She started 6th grade this year and I'd been worried that the D combined with the stress of middle school would be a burden for her. However, it's been exactly the opposite. D11 is doing well w/ her grades, her friends, and seems to be a happy, albeit sometimes moody, pre-teen! This spring, D11 and I did a weeklong trip down the coast of California, with a stopover in Yosemite, and had an absolute blast! It was a perfect follow up to our 2016 trip across Utah. I think we've solidifed the fact that we need an annual adventure together. Toss in our beach trip, continued Pokemon hunting, hiking, camping, and other adventures and I think we are rocking the Dad/Daughter stuff during our 50% of the time together.

W (now XW) continued to not follow through w/ the S agreement, but I was finally able to get her to sign it in July 2018. After that, it took until October 2018 to get her to acknowledge and sign the D documents. XW remains angry and will only speak to me if she needs something or she is forced to. She continues to try to be an intermediary and interpreter between D11 and me. XW still has D11 sleeping every evening in the bed with her. It's almost like XW is stuck in neutral and can't get unstuck. I continue to maintain my boundaries and address XW when she attacks them. It used to be exhausting and saddening, but it's more just a minor nuisance nowadays. It's amazing how different things are now, even though XW hasn't changed. Getting out of the In House S, while it was the last thing I wanted at the time, was a godsend.

As for me, while I was still in the house w/ XW, I don't think i realized just how much of a toll the stress and constant attacks by XW were taking on me. Being outside of the situation now, I can tell that there was a long, long period of time where I hadn't fully been myself. It's almost like I'd been living a life driven by the whims of XW's anxiety. I hadn't realized at the time just how abnormal it was, but now I can see the dysfunction fairly clearly. While I'm still sad that my M wasn't salvagable, I'm extremely thankful for the lessons I was taught and the improvements that came from me living through all of this. My relationship with my D11 has never been better. My relationships with family and friends that hadn't been nurtured as much as they should have been are awesome and only getting better.

I feel like such a stronger and better human being for having stood in the face of something so awful and making it to the other side. It never would have happened without a ton of introspection, pain, honesty on my flaws, hard work on fixing the only thing I could control (myself), and aid from everyone of you here. I am so very grateful for each and every one of you and all of the support you gave me over the course of the previous couple years. Without ya'll, I'm not sure I'd of made it to a healthy place as easily as I did. I can completely see how easy it would have been to get stuck, just like XW.

With all that said, I'm actually grateful I went through this because, honestly, I couldn't be happier now. My relationship with D11 is where I want it, I've got myself where I want to be as a person, and I've actually been dating the most amazing woman for just over a year now. It's interesting to see how different a healthy relationship is than the one I had been in for so long.

This woman (I'll call her K) is the most amazing person I've ever come across. She's caring, understanding, supportive, hilarious, intelligent, fun, gorgeous and an absolutely perfect fit for me. I feel like I'm the same for her, and really, I've got what I've been through to thank for it. No way I'd be such a strong person for K or my D11 without having done the hard work to fix myself and get through my D.

After the D was finalized in October, K and I made the decision that the time was right to introduce her to D11. I was worried that it would be a difficult and tough process to get through. D11 even seemed super apprehensive when K knocked on the door after I'd told D11 they were going to meet. That apprehension lasted all of 10 minutes and ever since then D11 and K have become good friends and we've done a ton of stuff together, including a weekend getaway to a cabin together that will go down as one of my favorite memories! D11 now asks for K to come over and go out to do stuff with us. Hence my comment earlier that I couldn't be happier!

What I've realized from all of this is that it's really not as complicated as I thought while I was living through it. Here are the key realizations I've had after looking back on things:

1) In House S was brutal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It messes with your sense of self as well as your sanity, stress levels, and overall well being. I now know what everyone means when they say the odds are super long if you choose this path. However, I realize now that In House S didn't save my M, but it probably did save me. It took me to some bad places, but fighting my way out of them has taken me to better places than I've ever been. It's got to be the extreme challenge of surviving the situation that puts you in such an awesome place when you claw your way out. With that said, my goal is to never have to do that ever again.

2) Like everyone says, you cannot control anyone but yourself. Don't try to control the path of your M, S, or D. Don't try to change/control what your spouse does. Take a deep, long look at yourself, identify what your faults were in the M, and determine a plan of action to address them and fix them.

3) Let your spouse take their own path. Choose your path and follow that one. Do things that make you feel good to be yourself. Hang out with friends, make new friends, try new activities, pursue your passions, and get back a sense of self identity. Perhaps your path comes back to a crossroads w/ your spouse and perhaps it does not. Don't wait for it. Push forward with life and be ok with being on your own. Be in a position that if your paths do cross again, you can figure out if a) it's healthy to get back in the relationship and b) if you even have a desire to be in the relationship anymore.

4) Know your boundaries and vigorously fight to sustain them. Do not let your boundaries be rolled over, because they are what defines your principles. Without principles, how can you possibly have a sense of self. Define yourself and don't let someone else define it for you.

5) Know that no matter how horrible things get, they will get better. How much better depends on how hard you are willing to work on yourself. You really need to be willing to dig deep and take an honest look at yourself. It can really suck when you realize what your flaws/weaknesses may be, but getting an understanding of exactly what needs work is key. Only once you know can you really begin to work to improve. Once you begin the work you will become exponentially better and stronger. Bust your as$ to become the person you want to be. It's worth it.

6) Know that you are not alone. There's power and comfort in that knowledge. You are not a unique snowflake. Know that your experience is being shared by a multitude of other folks all over the world. It's both sad and freeing at the same time. But with it comes community. Hence this place. There are so many people here and elsewhere that are willing to support you. Be open to taking that support and realizing that, again, you are not alone. It's amazing how quickly complete strangers can become your true and lasting friends.

To everyone going through this, hang in there. I know you will make it. Everyone here who's been through it knows you will make it. Keep pressing forward, but make sure you are doing it for yourself. I truly hope you can save your M and I, from the bottom of my soul, admire you for choosing the infinitely harder path and not giving up. Know that the odds are long and the path is difficult and most likely you will fail.

But also know that you will not be defined by the failure or success of your efforts to save your M. You will be defined by the journey. Make that journey one of self improvement, honor, and integrity and you will be a much better person for it.

Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight!