It's the hopes and dreams you're robbed of as well, your innocence, trust in others, trust in yourself...so many things.
When I went out with the heavy drinker (briefly. He was my first date after it all happened, and mistakenly on my part we ended up going out for a short while)...anyway, when we went out and had sex, it was such a disappointment. The heavy drinking and the great deal of smoking he did really affected things. I remember thinking 'is this it?'. And shortly after, a few months into our brief R, he just seemed to lose interest in it all. I remember thinking that I didn't want to settle for that sort of level of disinterest. It was like he'd done the necessary to involve me with him on that front, and just stopped bothering.
So maybe that's an area for you to explore and have fun with at some point in the future? I'm not talking like next week, or next month, but you can have it as something that you want to have some fun with at some point.
The rage thing, yup...I feel that too. It's a useful source of energy I discovered. I use it to carry on taking me in the opposite direction to XH, as far and as fast as I can go. If I feel myself flagging, I go for a run/to the gym/read CL.
Have a think about the sort of future you want for yourself. I remember making a picture story board, with pictures and words cut out from magazines, that showed the sort of life I wanted. Ha...I'd actually forgotten I did that. It was so early on in the whole process. Anyway, I loved doing it. Some of it was total daydream stuff, and some of it I've actually done (just on a smaller scale to what was in my story board). Some of it was purely visual l and some of it was to do with how I wanted to feel. You don't have to show it to anyone, it's just of for you.
Something that's helped me a lot too has been to find what I am grateful for that's right under my nose. At the beginning it was really small stuff, like the conversation I'd had with the shop assistant when I was buying some groceries that afternoon, or that I could still take my time and enjoy putting makeup on. I still try and end the day with this sort of thing. It helps me focus on what is good in my life right now, as opposed to what I feel was taken away.
One thing, I do this stuff religiously. Every. Single. Day. There's no room for slacking or falling back on this, the price of that is way too high, and I'm not willing to pay it. Ever again. So every night I think about the stuff that's happened that day that I feel grateful for. Every morning I try and think about my day ahead, what I'm going to do and how good I'm going to feel at various points in the day.
I do get distracted by stuff, thinking about other people, how well they seem to be doing, or whatever...occasionally XH and the amazing life I think he's probably living with his much, much younger, more successful OW. But then I'm like, meh, they're totally welcome to each other. I deserve to be treated so much better than the way he treated me - which was ultimately a reflection of who he was. And then it doesn't bother me. And then I feel gosh darn lucky not to have to put up with any of that **** any more.
You have your beautiful children, your health, your future, and yourself. We lost ourselves in these crappy situations that we were in. We lost who we were. Isn't that a terrible thing to happen to a human being? So do the opposite: find yourself and in doing so, heal yourself.
Juju, sorry I haven't been on much. Life gets in the way sometimes. I just caught up with your situation and wanted you to know that I know you are stronger than this. I want you to read this message, close your eyes, take a deep breath and say "I am better than this, I am stronger than this and I WILL get through this." You got this girl.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I am basically through this. But i am not indifferent yet. I dont want my ex back. Hes not a good person. But if i was truly indifferent, i dont know that i would still be on these boards. That i would still be googling "psychology behind men that leave thier families". That i would still be enraged when reading newcomers and CL.
My ex discarded me. In a cold way. There was never any doubt or attempt to reconcile or jealousy or temperature checking. He was gone. The only time he looks upset or teary eyed is when he gives me the child support check. And he does everything to avoid paying extracurriculars. . I actually have had episodes of anxiety and fear cause i would not put it past him to hire a hitman so that he wouldnt have to pay child support. Like when i hear stories of men like scott peterson and that hockey player that hired a hitman that killed his wife, i actually think of my ex. Hes not a violent person. But hes a guy that felt entitled to lead a double life. He views me as a mistake he made and regrets cause i hold him accountable.
I remember when i was pregnant with my son. We got into a fight because i was trying to hold him accountable. I was mad at him because he had these really expensive football season tickets. He would go on a sunday and use up vacation days the following day to sleep in. (I missed one day my entire pregnancy amd worked right up to 2 days before i went into labor because i was trying so hard to save all my sick and personal and vacatuondays to use after my son was born. Im a physical therapist. My job is physical)
Furthermore, he would rent a suv so that he didnt have to tailgate in his bmw at the time. I was mad about him spending money. And i was mad that he wasnt setting up a nursery. At that point i was nearing the end of my pregnancy and not really wanting to get out of the bed. Anyway during the argument, he took the book out of my hand and threw it at my stomach. That was the only time he was ever violent and it was a paper back book. But very symbolic. He obviously hid a lot of hostility for me. He even used the fact that i tried to throw him out back at me years later after BD.
But heres the thing. In front of the nurses during my delivery he was all teary eyed. In front of lawyers and his mom he got all teary eyed when i suggested he take son one evening a week (as if i had been alienating him that whole time and he was so grateful)
My son, who had seemed so resilient was talking to me about how sad this divorce makes him. He said he cant talk to his school pyschologist because he sees her on a day that its a long stretch till his next meeting with his dad and thinking sbout it makes him sad.
What he doesnt know is that its not divorce. Its his dad. His dad does not want more time with him. His dad seems him 1x a week for 1.5 hours and then picks him up saturday morning and drops him off sunday evening. Thats only if his mother is there. If not, he cannot take my son overnight. Hes not a deadbeat. Hes not really a disney dad. More of the bare minimal dad. He saves face to the lawyers, his mom. And i guess his friends and girlfriend this way, but really has very little accountability.
My 4 year old nephew was asking my son where his daddy is. My sons response was "he left and lies a lot and my mom had to divorce him" my nephew asked if he loves him and my son said "yes. Of course". (My son has no filter. And maybe this is why ex doesnt bring his girlfriend around son that much lol)
I just hate who my ex is as a person. My son deserved better. So did i. And im still mad about it.
Juju, hope you have a happy holiday and Merry Christmas!
It's been a long, long time since I've posted on your thread in any meaningful way. Maybe a couple of years now? I'm not sure. Which is odd, because I used to post all the time. There was a time when you were in limbo, and during that time you were trying to figure out if your marriage was still savable, and if your WAH could possibly have valid reasons for needing to distance himself from you. But then the D was final and some of his deceptions got uncovered, and one day everything changed. It has been rage ever since. You've now diagnosed your WAH, assigned him the total responsibility for the breakdown of his marriage, and continue to screen more and more of your marital history for supporting evidence.
I guess I was afraid to post because I don't always agree but don't want that rage directed at me. I want to be free to share my own thoughts but was waiting for you to cool down a bit first so you were in a better place. But I think it's been a couple of years now Juju.
You have always been one of my favorite posters. I want to see the next chapter of your life be everything it can be. Well, at one point you said your anger has played a role in the loss of your marriage. It seems like it may be impacting your life right now. Who's signature is it that says "You can be right or you can be married?" The benefit of viewing your XH as the bad guy is you get to be right. The negative is you keep doing what you've always done and maintain a red hot anger which isn't fun for you or others. Now, I know these are DB forums, so maybe you don't breath a word of any negativity to anyone else, and then you just post here once in a while when you need to blow off steam, and as a result it comes across wrong. I get it J. But even still, my threads don't have the same tone as yours.
Is letting go of anger a goal of yours? Are you working with IC on this at all? Were you like this during the M, or is this a new thing now that the M is over? Is there something the anger is doing for you that you need it for?
I've missed talking to you and have a lot I'd like to catch up on.
Again, it's Christmas Eve and I hope you make it a magical day with your son!!!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I worry so much about you. From my perspective it seems as if your unproductive anger is robbing you of any joy in life.
Your ex is not something you can control. You cannot travel back in time to change everything that has transpired. Really sh!tty things happen in life. To everyone on different levels. Not one person I think is spared of it. It's just written in a different way in their life. What are you gaining from this anger? What have you done to ease it or stop it.
Is your son feeling your anger? I think we all have fleeing anger towards our sitches and our ex's. But is your anger fleeting or is it taking over all aspects of your life? I know sometimes we come here to vent and it's just that, a vent, then we feel better. Are you ever feeling better? What have you actively done to rid yourself of the anger rather than fuel it? because I think by the reading you have been doing, you are fueling it, rather than getting the answers you want.
Have a Merry Christmas with your Son. He's such a wonderful gift. You know it. Everyone knows it. Your ex is just self centered. It's his loss.
Thanks guys. I've been super busy with the holidays and son being off and work so have not been able to respond to some really good posts. But I have been thinking about them.
Ginger, I guess my anger is unproductive. No good comes from it and I have been told that continuing to go there is like picking on a slimy, festering scab so that it never heals. I know that life is not fair. That people are not treated fairly. That holocausts are real and that there are people suffering and children starving. I know that, but it is still there. I am still really really mad at my ex.
Now, i know to keep my anger a secret. I do not broadcast this anger to my coworkers or family. I especially do not let my son see it. You met me. IRL I am pretty sure I come across as softer spoken, easy going, nice to talk to. I am actually given the patients that other therapists cant handle. My boss knows that I wont get upset at the things others will. That I wont take it to heart and just do my job and move on. Most people will describe me as patient and very sweet with my son and other kids. (obviously I do lose it but it takes me longer) But this anger at my ex- or perhaps obsessive thoughts wake me up at 3 AM (often the time I post here) or enter while I am driving alone in my car. Or get triggered by an article or news feed. Like the thoughts that inspired my last post came from a article that popped up about that wife killer, Scott Peterson - which sent me into a panic. Because I started thinking how similar the lack of emotions were from my ex. How similar the images were. I am not joking when I write that I worry about hit men.
I think I just feel really traumatized. By how it went down. And by how he treated me prior to BD. I trusted him more then anyone. I shared everything with him. He was living a double life for years. I was a cover for him. Other explanation is its part of an obsessive issue - like some form of anxiety. That could be a possibility. I have been to ICs etc. And it never seems to be worth the money or time cause I do not get any real help.
Juju, hope you have a happy holiday and Merry Christmas!
It's been a long, long time since I've posted on your thread in any meaningful way. Maybe a couple of years now? I'm not sure. Which is odd, because I used to post all the time. There was a time when you were in limbo, and during that time you were trying to figure out if your marriage was still savable, and if your WAH could possibly have valid reasons for needing to distance himself from you. But then the D was final and some of his deceptions got uncovered, and one day everything changed. It has been rage ever since. You've now diagnosed your WAH, assigned him the total responsibility for the breakdown of his marriage, and continue to screen more and more of your marital history for supporting evidence.
I guess I was afraid to post because I don't always agree but don't want that rage directed at me. I want to be free to share my own thoughts but was waiting for you to cool down a bit first so you were in a better place. But I think it's been a couple of years now Juju.
Hey Zues. IRL, I am certainly not a raging, bitter, female version of Archie Bunker with an anti cheater agenda. I think we are both pro marriage. I believe we differ in that I do not believe in unconditional marriage. I believe that most LBS have been gas lighted and manipulated and abused and that the worst thing for them early on is to place the emphasis on what they needed to do differently in the marriage. (Although I agree that its important for them later on for personal growth and so that they have the chance at a successful relationship. I think its dangerous when they start thinking it was their actions that encouraged a spouse to cheat or do drugs or destroy a families finances) I think that a lot of the walkaways on here do have some sort of addiction or personality disorder. And that's putting it nicely. I do not tend to truly feel rage at another poster - unless they give me an impression that they are personality disordered. That they cheated on their spouse. That they are on here looking for attention from desperate LBS. And even then, its not really a rage. Its more of a feeling of annoyance. Point being made, is that I have never felt any rage for you or your opinions. I view you as someone that was also abused and manipulated by an ex and is just on here looking for answers and sharing growth with others.
You have always been one of my favorite posters. I want to see the next chapter of your life be everything it can be. Well, at one point you said your anger has played a role in the loss of your marriage. It seems like it may be impacting your life right now. Who's signature is it that says "You can be right or you can be married?" The benefit of viewing your XH as the bad guy is you get to be right. The negative is you keep doing what you've always done and maintain a red hot anger which isn't fun for you or others. Now, I know these are DB forums, so maybe you don't breath a word of any negativity to anyone else, and then you just post here once in a while when you need to blow off steam, and as a result it comes across wrong. I get it J. But even still, my threads don't have the same tone as yours.
The thing is, I am right. I was right all along and was being denied that by my ex. That is called gas lighting. And it was really traumatic for me. I believed I was abusive. I was a nag. I was asking for things well beyond what is the norm for a relationship. And guess what. I wasnt!!!...
I had a really tough delivery. I wont bore you with the details. But something was not right about it. After the delivery I kept going over it and over it and over it. I kept talking about it. Trying to make sense of it. Basically what happened, was the delivery nurse ( who was young) and doctor got into a big disagreement. The doctor wanted to proove the nurse wrong and did something that could have been really dangerous to me and my son. I remember another nurse came in and was actually hugging my nurse and telling her she was right after the doctor left. (BTW, the nurse was 100% in the right) But points being made: 1. People need to be validated when they are right. When they are dealing with big egos. Its for the good of everyone involved that right is right. Its not always a case of different perspectives when lives are affected. 2. It took me a long time to get over trauma. I needed to understand what actually happened. I know this is a long time. He left us in 2015. I am still trying to make sense of something that felt like a big whirl wind. i think, because I dont understand a lot of it
Is letting go of anger a goal of yours? Are you working with IC on this at all? Were you like this during the M, or is this a new thing now that the M is over? Is there something the anger is doing for you that you need it for?
These are great questions. I dont work with an IC. It was expensive and lots of listening to myself talk over and over. In my marriage, I think I put up with more then other women would have. I really believe that my ex is not going to have an easy time in a real relationship with someone. I am honestly not a difficult person to get along with. I was not unreasonable.
I've missed talking to you and have a lot I'd like to catch up on.
[color:#6666CC] Me too! Happy New Years.
Again, it's Christmas Eve and I hope you make it a magical day with your son!!!
I have indeed met you IRL and you are smart, witty, fun, beautiful. I believe those are all the things you truly are. I hate seeing you go through this obsessive pain. Have you tried medication? There are meds out there to help with obsessive thoughts. I have been plagued with them in the past and it can be all-consuming, even though we can be really high functioning.
I just don't think you should have to hurt anymore.
