New thread- Newcomer pre-bomb drop

[Adam04]

hi Bern,

First, enjoy the holidays for the kids and for your own self. Step back and allow yourself some breathing room, pretty much the 4 things Sandi last said in the previous thread. You said this is normally your time. Happiness is what you make it, don't let her rob this from you man. This should still be your time. Set the tone for the kids. Show her she will not bring you down.

So she is still trying to cover up all those meet-ups/hook-ups, saying it was to let OM know the A was over? And on top of this, she has a list of friends who know so she is trying to figure out which one betrayed her? wow... She is such the victim. I wonder what he went into the store to pick up since they were already there.

Be strong Bern, don't let your thoughts about not believing in D affect your judgement. Don't settle. You got the ball rolling now, give yourself until after the holidays. if you have a list of things you feel like saying to her or doing, feel free to share them here for advice.

I'm one of the guys in an IHS, I'm codependent NGS. I'm moving out in 5 months when we sell the house so the IHS is not indefinite. I'm also free from her in the sense that I'm okay with if we D. I know life goes on. We both deserve to be happy. I have too many D'd people I know in my life who are still great parents. Less on her, more on you and the kids.

I've read a lot of sitches here, much of what people say wont change because the patterns don't change and what we need to do for ourselves don't change.

Happy Holidays.

[SoTorn]

Keep your head up. I am also another on IHS. My WW lives in the room above me. My WW is not remorseful and wants D. I have accepted that. I have also accepted that I deserve so much more and so much better than what WW can provide me.

It hurt badly and I still get the waves of sadness, anger etc. But I am GAL like a mad man and that helps so much. I will be the lighthouse, steady in the rocks and my light, for the moment, is shining on the path for my WW to see, if she wants to change her ways and work on us, but that light will not shine on forever.

I expect my WW to file for D after the holidays. Again I accept that. I am enjoying my life and my relationship with my kids. I know that there are plenty of women in this world that would find high value in a loyal, hard working man with a good career that has a high sense of morals, values and acts with integrity.

[Bern19]

Thanks everyone and Merry Christmas. I'll admit today had been rough. One minute I'm laughing and hiking with my kids, the next I'm sneaking off to the bathroom so no one sees me cry. The sadness just comes in waves. Mostly after I realize this is likely our last Christmas together as a family.

I'm started to come to grips with the fact that my wife just isn't able to give me what I need to be happy, and I'm no longer willing to settle for the crumbs she's able to spare. I'm not interested in spending the rest of my life with someone that finds it necessary to keep so much if themselves and their emotions a secret.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the support and to wish all of us that are struggling with a WS a Merry Christmas.

[Grace21]

I'm started to come to grips with the fact that my wife just isn't able to give me what I need to be happy, and I'm no longer willing to settle for the crumbs she's able to spare. I'm not interested in spending the rest of my life with someone that finds it necessary to keep so much if themselves and their emotions a secret.

This really hit home for me. Although I haven't given up totally on my H, I've realized that I don't want to settle either. I've come so far in my self-awareness, and he remains stuck. I want to remain strong and not settle - with H or anyone. We all deserve better than to settle.

[Bern19]

Ok, well, got through Christmas... it was rough but ended well, spending time with the kids putting together stuff they got and just laughing and joking around. I spent the day after working in my bedroom, am trying to get organized Incase I need to move. The fact that our bedroom was ground zero for Christmas present hiding combined with the fact that our room is always a mess made it a good project for the day. I was purging lots of clothes that no longer fit due to my dramatic weight loss over the last year. I guess she wanted to keep an eye on me because she ended up coming in and started to organize her closet and dresser too. At first I left trying to keep some space, but realized she was keeping me from getting done what I wanted to do, so I ended up back in there. She tried to make small talk, so I didn’t ignore her, but kept it very short and to the point. Very unlike me by the way. I’ve been known to talk more than I listen.

Late last night as we were getting ready for bed she asked me if she should go to our MC session by herself today. I told her that was probably best. On one hand I’d like to be there as I’m certain she won’t be 100% truthful with our counselor. that won’t change if I’m there either, but at least I could call her out on her BS. But then I remembered I’m just trying to control something I have no control over. She’s either regretful and wants to find out what’s going on inside her brain, or she doesn’t. I can’t make her want to find out just like I can’t make her be remorseful or repentant.
So she’s going by herself.

Ay this point I’m committed to GAL and working my 180’s. I need to double down on detachment. I still struggle with not feeling like I’m being kind while doing it. I can feel the resentment building the more I think about how I’ve been cheated out of the last couple years while she was sneaking around with this scumbag. Then I start to realize maybe the OM isn’t the only scumbag in this situation. I now see how to use disgust as fuel for detachment. Just want to make sure it doesn’t openly come across that way.

I’ll update once/if she fills me in on her session...

[Ready2Change]

she asked me if she should go to our MC session by herself today. I told her that was probably best.

I love that response.

[Bern19]

Ok, well we haven’t spoken about the MC session she went to without me on Thursday. I can sense that she is waiting for me to ask her how it went or something similar.... I’m not taking the bait. Too often I bail her out by being the one to bring up the 800# elephant in the room. Gonna just let this play out and see what happens.

Great workout with 2 of my boys this morning... GAL

[Bern19]

Well, it’s NYE. Haven’t spoken with wife about anything relationship based since the discovery of her still sneaking around to see the OM. She went to our scheduled MC session by herself and didn’t bring it up afterwards. Early on, I felt like she was waiting for me to bring it up. Now I get the feeling she likes that I appeared to have “dropped it” and am moving on. We have friends coming tonight to celebrate the New Year, but I’ll be honest, I’m not looking forward to it. She gets to play the everything is great with us game and I just want to scream. I know that I’m supposed to be working on detachment but it’s hard when your stuck putting on a show for your kids’ sake. Now that the holidays are over, I need to make a change. I don’t want to leave my home, nor do I want to split up my kids. But can I spend the rest of my life in a loveless, sexless marriage to someone that is all but guaranteed to hurt me again?

[Bern19]

Well it's been almost a month since my last post. I said I was going to wait a month to see how things looked and felt, and I can tell you it's still the same. Although my wife claims we are working on fixing our marriage and is going to IC and MC with me, I know that she is still communicating with the OM. I have stopped all my spying and snooping around as I just couldn't take listening to her lie to me about where she was or who she's with. I've been avoiding all relationship conversations, have been working on my detachment, GAL, and have also started reading NMMNG. Lots of stuff in there that hits home.

So, this morning, I'm lying in bed while she gets ready for work and I realize she got in the shower and left her smartwatch on her nightstand. Now she had been getting better about not taking her iPhone and watch with her everywhere, but I've noticed that lately she's had a pretty tight grip on her devices. I thought, what the hell, let’s see if she changed her password? Nope, still the same. So I see her messages are up, and one of them are from her work friend that recently divorced her husband and shacked up with another of their coworker almost immediately. In fact, one of the texts was about how her husband never had any proof of what they "had done" so she made out in the divorce. Guess they didn't wait to get divorced to together either. Anyway, this is the "friend" that my WW confides in more than anyone. Of all the messages I could have read, this was the one that would get me the most inside info. Even though I agonized over whether to snoop or not, I eventually broke and took a look... Turns out, that after our little blow up when I caught her meeting up with the OM at the grocery store parking lot right before Christmas, her friend set her up with a secret phone for her to use so that I and the OM's wife (she knows my wife's regular #) wouldn't know they were still talking. I know that they have a system in place to contact each other when us LBS's are suspicious and "watching" them. The most recent conversation was about my wife's IC session that day. The friend asked if she had told the counselor "everything" and the WW replied that she managed to tell her a little bit, but not all. What???? How are you supposed to figure out your life if you're not willing to be honest with your therapist? Who is this person?

As for the OM's wife, he has told her nothing but lies. She still thinks that because he "confessed" and then told their daughter and their parents about the affair, that he has put this mistake behind him and is working on their marriage. I struggle with wanting to tell her that his confession is a bunch of lies. That whether you want to believe it or not, they are still talking and hiding it from us. OM told his wife the affair became physical 2 weeks before I caught them, and they had sex just 3 times. I had been suspicious for so long, that my wife knew not to trot that timeline out, so she went with it had been going on for 2 months. She could tell from the look on my face that I wasn't buying that either. A week or so later, in one of her moments of clarity, she came clean and admitted that it had been physical for almost two years. At the time I thought that was probably accurate. Now, knowing she continues to lie to me, I'm certain that it was probably more like almost 3 years.

So, it's clear that the wife is pretending to be working on the marriage. She hasn't cut off communication with the OM, still doesn't find it necessary to be honest with not only me but isn't even being honest with the therapist in her sessions. Why would you bother to go to counseling if you’re going to manipulate the process? All I can guess is that she is just buying time to get things put into place.

As I’ve said before, my intention was to fight to put this marriage back together. That divorce wasn't an option for us. That you all don't really know my wife, that she's different. She'll be able to continue to work with him and it will be OK. It became crystal clear that it doesn't work that way right before Christmas. So, I need to make a fundamental change in how we interact. While I thought I was doing good at GAL & detachment, I obviously need to up my game.

So, do I even bother confronting her about this? She'll not admit to anything until I tell her exactly how I know. It's almost like she thinks that if I don't have concrete evidence to show her that I know what's going on, nothing is really going on. It's absolutely maddening to be in one of those conversations! Honestly, I don't want to even talk about it, I just want to be done with her for a while. How do I do that if she refuses to leave the home? I've told her I will not accept an in-house separation, but I still don't want to leave my home. Is it acceptable to just tell her "I've said it before and I mean it still- I will not share you with him, and I will not share my bed with you while he is part of your life". ? I guess I’m trading my boundary of not accepting an in-house separation for the chance to stay in my home.

I just could use some guidance. Let the 2x4's to the face commence.

[Ready2Change]

Never reveal your sources of intel. Do not reveal what you know. Just reveal that you do know.


"Stop. We both know you are lying" goes a long way.

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