Hi all, allow me to respond to today's remarks but I still promise to get through the previous ones as soon as possible.
Adam, thanks a lot for your encouragement. You speak the truth. I will try to keep enduring. I hope you were able to get some sleep!
Joe, thanks. It's good to hear from you since you've been through it. I was thinking of moving overseas but last night my husband was threatening that he'll want 50% custody despite never having cared for our daughter himself. I will do whatever I can, but with a child and such an unpredictable, erratic person with shared legal rights over the child I don't see myself having the same freedom he has. But I'll do my best. My heart is so broken that this beautiful innocent child has to go through this. I'd do anything to offer her a good home with a mother and father. There's nothing that can fix that dream and nothing that can replace having two loving parents united in supporting their child through life. I can't offer it to my daughter on my own. I waited five years after we got married to have a child because I wanted to make sure we were going to stay together. I waited until well after he became a US citizen just to feel like there was no doubt we could raise a child together. Yet here she is, she'll never even remember the brief time we lived as a family before he left. I don't feel like a winner at all, but I do know that I've really tried my best to save this marriage.
Hi Dejavu, thanks for your response. Unfortunately this all started a long time ago, nearly 3.5 years ago. I still wanted to save this marriage for many reasons - for our daughter, because we had a great life together before he left the first time, because we were just about to have the perfect life....I know we deserve better. I just hope I don't have a heart attack from the divorce process because it's just so painful!
Jim, yes that's all true, especially about being widowed being easier. Thankfully I moved on already, in most regards, but the divorce process is obviously the biggest step towards ending a marriage. I do think eventually he will try to come back when he comes to his senses but this has been going on for so many years, and it will likely be years before he comes back, and it would take years to reconcile, so there's not really any hope for the next 10 + years. During that time who knows what will happen. I wish to find a new husband but that'll take a miracle. I'm not so concerned about the financial part of the divorce but I'm more concerned about him wanting any custody over our daughter. He's not a stable person and he's never been a good father. I don't know yet what I'll be able to do, if anything, to prevent him from having her. He never wanted her before, so I think he's only trying to intimidate me now but it's hard to know what he's thinking. He may or may not file for divorce any time soon. His words don't usually equal his actions but I preferred to stay separated until I have a clearer direction in my life. I think it's especially cruel to bring this up during the holidays, just like last year, so our holidays are ruined for the second year.
Hi Ovrrnbw, that's right his mind keeps changing. He was definitely not sure about getting divorced over the summer. Then there was a distinct change which can be best explained by him getting back with his girlfriend of finding a new one. It'd be easier to let him go if we didn't have a child together. Since we do, this means we have to keep being in touch and agreeing on a lot of things for the next 18 to 20 years until she's out-of-college. This makes it much harder, so in your case it's good you and your wife don't have kids!
Ginger, there's so much we don't know about our futures. Right now the part that makes me grieve the most is that our poor daughter has to be caught up in custody issues and fights over things that are beyond her control. My heart is so broken that her life is starting out this way. And her father was giving lame reasons last night to justify the divorce once again like "we were fighting for years" and "the psychologist said we should get divorced." Our fights were really normal ones that all couples have before this happened. I don't even know if he'll file for divorce, but the damage has already been done. I do hope our future gets brighter. We're surviving on our own but there's no safety net - I'll respond to your other message later.
All, today I told my husband I don't want him coming into our apartment anymore. I don't know if that's the right decision, but I don't see any reason to have him lounging on our sofa, using our dishes, having open access to our stuff, and coming-and-going. This really upset our daughter though and she was crying and didn't want to go with him when he came today and I took her down to go with him. He said "you're destroying her" in front of her and I don't want to hurt her any more than she's been hurt, but after the rude, manipulative, intimidating way he spoke last night I don't see why he should come in. We have common areas around our building or they can go to a nearby restaurant or shopping area. I just don't know....it's all so unfair.
He's trying to make you feel guilty. Don't let him. He's cake eating. He's the one who destroyed your family, not you. If he brings this up again, especially in front of your daughter, I would correct him immediately, but politely and firmly. Do not let that thought linger in your daughter's mind. Sit down separately, later, with your daughter, and explain very clearly that it's her daddy's choice not to live with you anymore, and the rules are that he's no longer allowed into your home.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Good for you Nicole, he has the guts to say that you are destroying your D after him practically abandoning her for a few years now? Do not let him inside your home, it’s your place of peace , of happiness and serenity. I feel my entire home is filled with negativity when WH comes here and I am still in the family home. When I get a new place of my home there is no way I am letting him in, I think this is also good for your D because she won’t see any arguments around her anymore. It’s your and your Ds place , what doesn’t serve your well being must be kept away from there
Nic - I'm sorry that reality has come crashing in again. What a terrible blow over the holidays. Hugs to you and your D.
Yes single parenting can be daunting. I remember those days and my S was an infant. I worked 40-50hr a week, I did every middle of the night feeding/waking up... it was just me... totally me. I was exhausted and sad for awhile but now nearly 17yr later I wouldn't change a thing!!! Yes it was disappointing that my son was a statistic now and I wouldn't have that desired nuclear unit that I dreamed about... but as we end the final years of his high school my kid is happy, I'm happy.
Its okay to be sad. Its okay to be disappointed.
But girl... while you don't have to be the first to file you go get yourself an atty on retainer... you go get those ducks lined up because if he is itching for a fight you will not be run over.
2019 is the year of Nic... what Nic needs for Nic!!!!
Girl, you ARE your own safety net! You don’t need a man for that, especially an irresponsible inconsistent selfish one. There is no safety in that, only danger!
I’ve told you, my walked out the door the night he dropped the bomb, and our baby was 6 months old. Scary stuff! I Was an ICU nurse, something I loved, but shift work wasn’t cutting it, so I took jobs that I hated or were wrong for me in my field to make it work for me and my daughter. I went through some heck but camenout atronger eachtime. I furthered my education, I furthered my career, I bought my own hour a few months ago. 11 years later my daughter and I are doing great!
My ex has been married to his OW for sometime . We all just went to the movies and dinner together. I help my daughter buy presents for her stepmother never in a million years did I see that coming! My life is full. I am dating a magnificent guy.
Was any of this fair to my daughter? No. It broke my heart at first this was her life but I think her life would have been much worse if me and her father were still together as he is.
You can’t make your ex someone he isn’t. I think he’s shown his true colors, and that wonderful man was putting on an act. Now he is showing who he really is.
You and your daughter will be ok. And good for you setting boundaries with him. BecUse him coming in and out of your home saying crazy stuff to your D will be what is detrimental to her.
Once you let go, you will look back and see this as almost a blessing. I can just about guarentee you that
Thanks all. I'll respond more soon, both to your latest messages and old ones. It's good to know it's the right thing although it doesn't feel like it for my innocent child.
First of all, you are doing the right thing. Secondly, it will FEEL awful because DBing is very counter-intuitive. But the fact is, your WH can still be part of your daughter's life without needing to be all up in your face all the time. As a matter of fact, it will likely be more healthy for your daughter to see a happy mother than to see you suffer. And trust me, she is seeing her mother in pain right now. Detachment isn't about apathy or numbness, it's about no longer being co-dependent on your WH's every mood or action. My coach told me to pretend my WH was in a coma on life support and meanwhile this twin brother of his was acting a'fool.
I was in agony a lot when WH was going through whatever he was going through. I was not a good detachment person. I kept clinging to the vision of how he used to be. I kept trying different ways to "win him back." Then I finally dropped the rope and filed for divorce. We went before a judge twice (WH got some verbal castigation about not doing his paperwork in a timely manner) and only when I helped my WH do a walk-through of potential houses he wanted to buy, did it hit him between the eyes. I was fully prepared to walk away if the AHA! moment never happened. I felt a lifetime of being single was preferable to living with this selfish jerk. Only when WH felt I was deadly serious did he open his eyes. If he never opened his eyes then I was prepared to let go.
Will your WH have this moment? Not sure, he's very deep in his wayward journey and being extremely selfish. I get the feeling that he will likely make more overtures towards you if he senses you're moving on and he might lose his old toy. You need to be comfortable telling him no if he just simply says the words. I would keep the boundaries in place that make you feel healthier, if that includes him not coming into your home then so be it. But at this point detach for your own health.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Thanks. I will respond more later but I just want to say that all makes sense and the overarching question I have is whether someone like that will ever decide that being a cheating, underachieving, low-life father can ever be redeemed in the future? In other words, he may just file for divorce or I may cut him off further so there's not really any hope in the short term to save the marriage but I feel if he continues on this path it'll really impact our daughter someday seeing her father running around like a playboy, getting fired from jobs, not being reliable, knowing that he abandoned her mom, etc.. Can a personality like that ever change? In your case I think your husband never wanted to move out or get divorced but he probably didn't know how to communicate until he realized he had no other chance. Your situation always seemed more hopeful although your husband did seem pretty lost for a while. Mine already has a whole separate life so if he was ever to feel the loss he would have already felt it, but I just wonder about the long-term.
Thanks. I will respond more later but I just want to say that all makes sense and the overarching question I have is whether someone like that will ever decide that being a cheating, underachieving, low-life father can ever be redeemed in the future? In other words, he may just file for divorce or I may cut him off further so there's not really any hope in the short term to save the marriage but I feel if he continues on this path it'll really impact our daughter someday seeing her father running around like a playboy, getting fired from jobs, not being reliable, knowing that he abandoned her mom, etc.. Can a personality like that ever change? In your case I think your husband never wanted to move out or get divorced but he probably didn't know how to communicate until he realized he had no other chance. Your situation always seemed more hopeful although your husband did seem pretty lost for a while. Mine already has a whole separate life so if he was ever to feel the loss he would have already felt it, but I just wonder about the long-term.
I think you're doing an amazing job keeping it together Nicole. It can't be easy, especially during the holidays. Hang in there and keep your chin up.
God always gives the hardest tasks to his strongest soldier's.
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
