Lord, relationships can be hard. I think, honestly, I have a little PTSD after my exH, a man who was prone to being negative and critical. Me, I'm little miss sunshine most of the time.
None of the men I've dated since my divorce have really been like my exH . And CMM, to his credit, isn't critical of ME the way my ex was. But he's sure critical of others.
And when he's complaining about things - even if it's just the quality of the tomatoes in the Thai fried rice I brought home for dinner - it really reminds me of what it was like living with my ex.
I don't think you can teach someone this age to let things go. And sure, he has plenty of reason to be crabby, having stage 3 lung cancer with a crummy prognosis and all. But sometimes I feel like saying "seriously? You've got a thirteen month median survival and you're going to complain about the tomatoes??!!)
Ok - rant over. Just a reminder that if I'm ever single again I'm going to look for the happiest guy I can find.
Oh kml....I know exactly what you mean! I'm not always little Mary Sunshine, but I try very hard to be as positive as possible and I try to keep the negativity to myself and behind closed doors. But, my XH could find the littlest things to complain about and I just wanted to shake him. I feel your pain!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Just a reminder that if I'm ever single again I'm going to look for the happiest guy I can find.
Being as I think a person who just generally doesn't let things bother them is a good choice. But I may be biased since I like to think that describes me.
I'm not the always happy, cheerful guy but every-day things don't bother me. Things like my now ex-wife running off with the milkman - yeah - that bothered me but I think I'm allowed that. Dealing with hypercritical people or people who refuse to discuss things rationally (my boss) bother me. Things like getting the wrong sandwich or coffee instead of tea don't.
My ex was never critical of me either, but she would complain about what were to me trivial things. You can I think really tell by watching them drive. There was a meme going around a few years ago that we, including the kids found funny. It said "I realized I was an aggressive driver when my 4 yr old yelled "pick a lane @ssh@ole" from the seat in the grocery cart". Yep - described my ex quite well and everyone including her agreed.
A couple of the red flags I've found with my current interest "CL" was going out to a restaurant and hearing "well a place like this probably won't do that sandwich right" or watching her pick through her fries and looking disappointed at each. When I asked, she said that she wondered how they could get them exactly the right colour but fail in getting the texture right.
The big nail which is why I'm considering drifting away was her going to lunch with her kids at the cafe around the corner from me that I'd recommended. She was disappointed and yes, didn't get really great service. I apologized and she brushed it off as nothing. However later I was talking to the owner and staff - all of whom are friends of mine which CL perhaps didn't realize - and they were not impressed with her at all and thought her quite rude.
Perhaps if she knew that these were my friends it would have been different, but I like to judge people by their actions when they're not being watched. She did let me know at the beginning that she has more than a bit of a temper.
Anyway - hopefully not a thread-jack - just my own observations as I work on "fixing my picker".
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You can I think really tell by watching them drive.
Very true. CMM is an impatient driver, not prone to yelling at people but definitely commenting on things other drivers are doing "wrong" and what I consider excess lane changing in pursuit of the fastest route there. To be fair, my Aspie son also comments continuously on what other drivers are doing "wrong" - it's a part of the rigid Asperger's thinking and maybe CMM could be a little bit on the spectrum? He IS a chess nerd, after all. (I do most of the driving now lol).
As for CL - if she can be negative to the staff at a restaurant - DUMP HER. FAST. That's a lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement I wouldn't want to live with.
Totally dont want to pry but how has CMM been doing health wise? Last I remember they were hoping to shrink the tumor to then possibly do surgery. Is that still the progression of things and is it working? Is surgery on the horizon or is he opting not do do that? And what about his daughters? Did he ever respond to the D that texted him? Anything else on that front?
And your son on buprenorhine, how is he doing? Still stable I hope? Has he been making any overtures anout wanting to "get off of this stuff" sadly that is often the case with mostly poor results unless above the age of 30 and stable for one year at the very very least - three years is much more optimal. The longer he stays on the better.
Just curious. Share what you are comfortable with.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Thanks for checking Don. CMM has his fourth chemo tomorrow. They'll do a PET scan in January to see what kind of progress he's making. Clinically, his oxygen levels have improved but I suspect this is mostly due to his lung finally re-expanding after it collapsed during his biopsy at the end of September. He seems to be coughing up the same amount of thick mucous, maybe a little more, so I'll be surprised if there's a significant improvement on the PET scan, but at least he's not much worse. His tumor markers are not favorable for most of the new drugs (KRAS mutation, the hardest one to target) so an experimental trial will probably be his best chance.
My son had his 27th birthday today - we just finished ribs and cake and ice cream. He's stable on his buprenorphine and I think I've seen some little signs of his mood lifting in the past month or so. He started doing some driving for Postmates again - lousy work but it gave him some spending cash and got him out of the house. Then he started taking some online courses in computer programming - yes! And he asked for a skateboard for his birthday (yeah - exercise!) and a new guitar for Xmas - all good signs of re-engaging in the world. It's a slow process but I expected as much. The other day he was out of town visiting a friend for a couple days and I texted him "love you" and he replied "love you more".
Had a lovely Xmas eve yesterday with my kids ( the oldest two are at their dad's today). Turkey, stuffing, salad, twice baked potatoes and homemade eggnog cheesecake for desert. A couple of friends over as well and everybody loved their presents. I must say it was one of the nicest Xmases I've had with the kids since the divorce.
The only bummer - CMM had his PET scan done that morning. A panicked call a couple of hours later from the on call doctor's nurse asking if he was short of breath because there was "fluid on his lungs" (presumably an effusion). No, he's not short of breath and his oxygen levels are the best they've been since his lung collapse. But of course now he's worried that the PET scan will show tumor progression. That cast a bit of a pall over the day for him.
Now for a leisurely quiet Xmas day at home, sleeping in, perhaps a movie later.
Sounds like you had a very nice Christmas Eve with your family. The kids are older and I'm sure they recognize and appreciate all that you have done and continue to do for them.
Sorry to hear the CMM got some disturbing news. Hopefully, he will get better news this week.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
