You're a good detective! I'm not sure if you're correct, but perhaps. As much as drinks with a friend (someone who "gets it") sounds great and needed, I'm feeling I need to keep my anonymity for both myself but also for my W. I've written things here that I haven't told anyone, and I feel that breaking that fourth wall is a betrayal to her. I'm still very much in a space where being loyal to her is my #1. You've succeeded in writing a lot about yourself and your process, but in looking back I've written a lot about my W that is very personal and specific to her.
Virtual toasts to you burned (ummm for breakfast?Lunch?). Cin-cin.
As a side note, going to bed sober last night was a great idea. I'm feeling good today, and dancing to Lady Gaga while drinking way too much coffee. You are likely right about "residual grief" or whatever the term was you used. I'll need to be more aware of how the booze affects my moods in the future. Good call-out.
While I don't identify as a Christian, my wife is. In this moment, as we approach Christmas Day I am sending her all of my positivity and warm thoughts.
In my version of prayer, I hope she finds peace and fulfillment in her journey wherever it leads her.
I had a lovely Christmas with my parents, brother & SIL, and grandma. My brother and SIL hosted, but they were driving back from her parents' home a few hours away. So I popped over to their house early and put the roast in the oven, and spent some time knitting by their tree. It was nice to have some quiet time. My past two days have been spent baking.
I made bread to add to the holiday dinner, and spent the past two days making my traditional panettone. I think it's my third year of this tradition, and it takes about 2 days. It makes me so happy to make it, even though the store bought versions are also delicious. I'm glad I had the time to do this. I made a swiss roll for our dessert, and I think this recipe is a keeper. So, so delicious. It was the perfect combination of rich chocolate flavor while being light in texture. Plus the port I added to the mascarpone whipped filling was subtle and gave it that extra something. Wish I had some for breakfast.
I think the baking was therapeutic for me. It's something normal for me to do, and it was a good distraction that took up 2 days of my time. It was a nod to the holidays, but didn't make me too nostalgic or sad.
Ugh, I have SO MANY dishes to wash now ************************** I text W a Merry Christmas message along with a link to a song by a band we both enjoy. It's a new release christmas song and I thought she'd like it. She text back that she hadn't heard that song yet, and she'd listen, and wished me a Merry Christmas as well. She really is using a lot of exclamation marks in her texts these days. It's weird to me.
I considered whether I'd reach out to her or not, and decided I wanted to, and that I should. I'm not NC in any strict sense of the word, but it's sort of just happened that way. What do I have to say to the woman that I love that has asked me for a D? I'm not hiding, and I'm not punishing her. I'm just trying to move forward, I guess.
I do think my W is more MLC than WAS as I've sit with my situation for a while and really considered the timeline and some subtleties from the past year. And so with that, I do need to very occasionally pop my head up and just give a little "hi" to her so she knows I'm here. She has said things about how she assumes I'm angry with her. So she's giving me space because she feels guilty about her actions. I'm not angry. Not now. I'm just sad, but not showing her that.
I guess I want her to know that I'm strong enough to handle this. And that while I will give her the space and the D that she has asked for, I still love her. I'm not wishing her any ill will.
I do hope we can R down the road. I also know my feelings on this will change, especially after the D. But if I can leave the path clear then perhaps we can make that decision if/when we come to it. Adding roadblocks now won't help me later. And the roadblocks of anger or malice don't help me now anyway.
I think this week's take-away from reading the forum is that none of us know what tomorrow (or next month) will bring. Our spouses can change their minds on a dime, and you know what? Sometimes it's for the best. Sometimes they surprise us in good ways.
Well, we all know sometimes they surprise us in bad ways too, but I'd like to focus more on the good.
I have no idea where I'll be in 6 months time with regards to this M. I don't know if I'll be divorced, or still S. Who knows - maybe we are talking more often at that point. I don't foresee that happening, but the point is I don't know. And I'll just have to be okay with that.
Today I started to research apartments in the area. Wow. I can't afford one. Seriously! Unless I had a roommate, and I'm not really loving that idea. I'm applying for a house-buying program that would make buying a house affordable, and my salary would support it. But that doesn't mean I'd have a place ready to go by March, so I need some flexible housing in the meantime.
Ugh, there is a real chance I may need to stay with my parents. They live locally but in a very small house. I don't know that I could do that. In doing so I'd put all the furniture into storage, save as much money as I can, and wait for the right house to pop up. That sounds terrible, but I may need to do that.
Or, option #2 - get a second job. Also not something I really want to do, but I may need to. I'm not sure if W really realizes the position she has put me in. Not that it's her responsibility to take care of me now, but I wonder if she has any idea.
I'm also looking for housing. Rentals are more than my mortgage. So I will go from a 3k ft home to a 1k ft townhouse for several hundred $ more per month. But the piece of mind I'll get from 100% focusing on myself will be priceless.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I'm also looking for housing. Rentals are more than my mortgage. So I will go from a 3k ft home to a 1k ft townhouse for several hundred $ more per month. But the piece of mind I'll get from 100% focusing on myself will be priceless.
That's what I'm running into - renting is more than a mortgage!
I'm trying to decide between buying a home, or find a rental month-to-month situation so I can really think about what I want to do next. I would hate to find myself buying a house and then deciding 9 months later I really want to go on an adventure. If not now, when? I suppose in some ways W leaving has given me more freedom than I know what to do with. I don't want to make a decision based only on what I "should" do. Maybe I need to be sure emotions have died down before making a call.
Maybe I rent for 6 months then figure out how to get a year-long gig in Italy. That is the dream. Nothing permanent - but I'd love to be able to immerse myself and say "yes, I lived there for a year". I can't figure out how to get a job in Italy - apparently it's really tricky as a US citizen!
I haven't checked in for a while and have just been catching up. Wow, you sound so in a good place at the moment. The silver lining on the cloud seems to be much brighter now.
Have you thought about doing a language course in Italy - I think the visa's are easier as a student and you would be learning a new skill.
I have been thinking the same about the rent vs mortgage thing. If things don't work out than I am selling this giant house I never wanted (thought I love), giving H half the equity and renting a smaller place nearby for me and the kids. I could then afford to rent in London (maybe a flat share). He wants 50/50 so with the 50% of the time when I don't have the kids I plan to stay in London. Sounds expensive, but I don't need much. A bedsit would do me. Just something to crash in when I don't have the children. I have decided that I bought into the suburban life for my H and my kids, and I am not, and have never been, a suburban girl. Silver lining, right?.
I am not sure where you are (and how much rentals are there), but like SoTorn (and me) I would rather reduce my standard of living and be 100% independent then live somewhere which reminds me of the love I once had and the pain I went through. Although it probably offers little comfort, you are lucky, you do not have anything but your emotions and a piece of paper tying you to your W.
Others might disagree, but I think it is ok to reach out occasionally as long as you do it with no expectations and it comes from a good place. A short birthday wish, a merry Christmas etc. If you waiver in your decision as to whether you should send a text, then I guess the answer is not to send it. It is the value we put into the correspondence that should be the deciding factor. If it was meant well, there was no expectations of any kind of response, sending it felt true to your values, then I think it was the right thing to do.
Happy new year Yail. I hope this festive period continues to bring you joy and happiness.
Wow, you sound so in a good place at the moment. The silver lining on the cloud seems to be much brighter now.
It does. I think my first major hurdle was the loneliness of just being by myself every day. W and I were always together. I'm realizing I'm okay being by myself. Not my preference, but I'm okay. It took a bit to prove that to myself.
Also, no more over-drinking. I'm sure I'll do it again, but I do need to be mindful.
I think my big mental turn-around is that I can see clearly now that W is fighting with herself. As I look back at our past year she is in conflict with herself, not with me. It just seemed like it was me at times when I was too close to the situation.
I remember that often W would be in a wildly different mood based on NOTHING that happened between us. I was not the one that changed the temperature, so this whole crisis is about something she is going through.
I'm remembering specific conversations or actions that I had forgotten about and I think she's in a lot of pain. All I can do is try not to add to it, and I think the best way to do that is to give her space.
When I look around the house she has taken things to her new apartment, but not much. She really is RUNNING. If she really just wanted a new life she'd be claiming a lot more of her stuff. This is not about her not wanting to be with me, it's about needing to get away. Knowing that this is less about me has been very helpful. I can stop focusing on her because I really truly cannot fix it. I think I know that deep down, so I'm not spinning or cycling.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Others might disagree, but I think it is ok to reach out occasionally as long as you do it with no expectations and it comes from a good place. A short birthday wish, a merry Christmas etc.
I agree. It's not cut and dry, and I think I have a pretty solid handle on when it's okay vs when to leave it alone. She's already told me she wants a D, so what do I need to reach out for? Certainly not R talks. The only thing is logistics and the two times you mention above.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Although it probably offers little comfort, you are lucky, you do not have anything but your emotions and a piece of paper tying you to your W.
It's interesting being here without kids in the picture. In some ways yes it's easier - absolutely. It's less messy. And in some ways there isn't a link that I can hope will pull her back one day. But then I remember: We had 10 years together. 9.5 of them were fantastic. So if that's not a big enough pull back - I have nothing else to offer. Just my love and a really great history.
Language course in Italy - would be fantastic! But the problem for me is affordability. I don't think I can go if I don't have a job there, and I don't think I could take a leave of absence from work. So just a piece of the puzzle to figure out. Maybe I can be a farmhand somewhere in exchange for room & board. I'd actually really love to do that. Something that punishes my body (waking up at 4am? being covered in manure and breaking my back?) sounds good right now. Sign me up!
