Divorce and Acceptance part 3

[DonH]

Pax I've never written to you and have in,y read your recent posts but please, please, please try to hang in there. Don't just give in and walk away. As you said, that is exactly what H wants you to do! Why should he be rewarded $$$ after everything. That's why you have an attorney. If it gets too difficult, detach, remove yourself and let you L handle it. You are strong enough to do this. It just means taking a new focus. You have to thunk "whatever" and let him do whatever he wants. Dont let it get to you. Eventually he will gave to comply and pay out what us court ordered. Get support from friends or family or support groups or amune you can but dint give into him!!!

[OneArt]

Remember Pax that it is always darkest before dawn. You are almost there. I know your situation is difficult and you have had to deal with the mean, nasty monster the whole time, but soon he won't have anything to monster over. I can't tell you how many cases I have been involved in where the other side gets beyond nasty when they finally realize the jig is up and their stuff won't fly anymore. I think the end is super scary to these people.

Your eggs are not shrunken. You will have an Act II and it has to be better. Here are the things I have found that help: lots of hot baths with medicinal bubble bath, the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Prime, working on skin care (love True Botanicals oils), getting pedicures, and listening to popular women thriller type books on Audible (think Gone Girl, Girl on the Train). Add in some long walks, petting my cat, and being thankful for the people in my life. I will take the life I have now over the one I had before every single day.

You have this Pax. You have stood up to him longer than he ever thought you would and longer than you ever thought you could. You are a warrior.

[Pax_luv]

Don and One, THANK YOU!

Yes, I know I need to keep persevering. I know it. It’s so difficult though. The emotional toll it takes on the other parts of my life feels like it’s not worth it, but I know it is.

I have good people on my sidelines shouting at me- Do Not Give Up.

I’m just done. I don’t want to fill out another form, provide any more documentation, continuing to add a price tag to my value as a human. It’s just rediculous. My lawyer is handling all the grunt work, but I need to do some things as well. It helps to keep the costs down!


I know this will be my last Christmas dealing with this. I know it. 4 years without ex, 3 years doing legal crap this time of year. I’m trying to not let it spoil another beautiful season, but it does affect me.

Musings-

I have some really great friends who I cherish so much. I’m so appreciative for how my social circle has expanded over the years. My friends are more my type now and I feel at home with them. My ex had a hard time with social relationships.. well.. he didn’t value any friendships other than the social aspect of it. If that makes sense. It never really felt authentic to me. And it wasn’t, because I lost all those “friends” when he dumped me, never to be heard from again. To this day, I have to question the story he told them all because I fell off the face of the earth. Maybe they really really really didn’t like me. Oh well.

I remember going out to fancy dinners and having $300 bottles of wine as that was important for the experience(rolls eyes). I remember the time we invited ex’s lawyer friend and his bimbo girlfriend to come to our house for a nightcap after dinner one night and my dog would not stop attacking her fox fur coat!!!! I’m like well... why in the world are you wearing a real fur!? I think he could actually smell that it was an animal!

Anyway, here’s where my reflection comes in-
I have been figuring out who I am the last few years.

On the surface, I’m reserved, polite, professional, and appearance wise- you would think I was a high-maintenance snob. I have manners and yeah, I appreciate nice things.

If you get to know me, I am actually a hot mess, I’m super silly and dorky, a little too empathic at times and I really just appreciate the simple things.

There’s definitely a huge dichotomy there and I’ve been working for years for trying to embrace it. But it’s been hard.

This all comes in to play when it comes to dating. I’ve been told that I’m really intimidating and untouchable, but that couldn’t be further from the truth (I think).



I just got an award at work and some of the feedback that was said about me was “she’s just so perfect. She says the right things, is always diplomatic, classy, graceful, etc. if a nuclear bomb went off and everyone was going crazy, she would be the one to help manage the chaos and be totally calm and collected..... and she should be a political correspondant on CNN”. (And then everyone was saying, yeah Pax looks like a news anchor!)

So sure.... those are compliments, but I hate that’s how people see me because I think I need to act that way all the time! And that would be exhausting! Yes, that’s a part of who I am for sure, but there’s so much more than that. I’m grateful for my dear friends who tell me I’m bougie, but still accept me when I’m not.

And this all leads up to a fancy male physician colleague who asked me out a few weeks ago and I brushed it off. He has a reputation as a womanizer and I am not interested though he is a lot of fun. I was told, he thinks I’m flawless. And I’m like ohhh hel! no. Im most certainly VERY flawed and I don’t want to even try to live up to those expectations.
That’s not a compliment.


So all this blah blah leads me to 1) trying to fully accept me for who I am and 2) figuring out how to find a partner who see’s me for who I really am and will love me for being me<~ and that’s going to be tough because I have all sorts of PTSD from my ex in that realm.

3) and lastly, I need to stop caring about what people think. Given all the sharing I did above, im concerned that people think I’m just some gold digger because I was a young attractive girl married to an older man and we had a good life. I worry that people think I’m not dropping this case because I’m trying to squeeze my ex dry. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. At all! I’m trying to just get my “stuff” out and leave him be. But in order to do that, I must continue to fight for it. It’s hard. And this piece has probably tormented me more than it should. I must stop caring what other people think. I know the truth and that should be enough.


So... to wrap up this blah blah journal entry. Ill just say, I’m doing the best I can. The “gift” of this journey is pulling back all the painful layers and just figuring it out and rebuilding a life that completely aligns with my core values.
That’s all I got.

[job]

Congratulations on the award! Be kind to yourself. It takes time to peel those layers back. I think you are doing great!

[Pax_luv]

Oh thank you, Job!

So.. I know I was really long winded above, but I think it comes down to the issue of not feeling good enough for anyone.


After my ex quit mc, I saw the therapist separately to try to work through the pain. She kept trying to tell me that I was never going to be good enough for my ex. Nothing I do/did would ever be good enough for him.

Well, she was right. I was surprised that she identified that, however, it wasn’t anything she brought up when ex and I were seeing her together.

So, the whole marriage (relationship actually) I twisted myself into a thousand knots trying to please him. I never knew about gaslighting, I never knew about projection.. I only thought my ex had weird neurosies that required me to change In order to meet his needs. What a mistake... but i thought that was a sacrifice one makes in a serious relationship. I’m sure he felt like he was accommodating me, too. (Especially by allowing me to live in his house! Hahaha! I crack myself up... that was a joke for anyone following my sitch.)

So when people see me a certain way, I get totally freaked out that they expect me to be that way always. Truth is, I do have a very forward facing job where I’m in front of a lot of people. And that job has opened up my other social pathways in terms of my community involvement, etc. those mannerisms and behaviors translate into every other encounter- at the gym, at a restaurant, etc. I’m always polished and professional because that’s how I show up.... and I always “show up.” In a way, my job is a bit superficial because outside of the few colleagues I’m with on a regular basis, most people only see who I am on stage.

What people don’t see, is that all my energy gets sucked from me when I’m Around a lot of people (INFJ temperament) so when I go home I can barely even function.

So it’s just hard that people don’t get to see the real me. (That same therapist reminded me that ex never saw me). And I can’t help but “show up” at all my social functions... people just think that’s who I am, but I’m very different behind closed doors and I get terrified of living up to those high expectations that people have of me... especially men. Guys may think I’m a catch... and yeah I want to have enough self esteem to believe that.... but it freaks me out that being a catch means high expectations that I may not live up to. Arg. I was so beaten down by ex that I’m still trying to fill up my own love tank.

When I was contemplating starting an online dating profile last week, I wanted to actually post pics of me without any makeup and not looking my best... hoping someone would maybe like me for me.

Just interesting realizations.

Oh and I’ve learned to open up and be vulnerable and share some of my struggles with people just so they can get to know the real me and so I can show up authentically. I know that I can do that and let people in. When I tell them I’m a walking sh*t show, they don’t believe it at all.

And on that same token... I’m trying to accept that when I am showing up and on stage pretending to be a “know it all” that maybe I am truly that girl too and I should just embrace it. She’s a little hoity toity, and maybe I really am too.

Ok that’s all I got. And, as I say this, I don’t want to offend anyone by saying any type of temperament and social style is better than another... it’s not... just sorting through the differences for myself.

[Pax_luv]

Oh and one last point-
Ex would always say “what’s the matter with you.. I thought I married a young hot wife....”

Things like that made me feel very insecure. I think he thought I was supposed to walk around the house in high heels and a teddy all done up while I made him his dinner every night. Seriously.

But you know what, maybe I would have been more obliged if he said something like- “oh babe.. I love it when you wear xyz” or “I like it when you...” or “it makes me feel special when....”

Vs- you never....youre supposed to.....what’s the matter with you

Ugh. That’s how I never lived up to expectations.

[pinn]

Hey ya Pax! Nice to see you posting again! You always dig deep... I like that. I learn a little bit each time you post, not just about you, but also about myself and relationships in general.

Ahhhh that pesky ‘not good enough’ mental model huh?? Yea... I think most of us probably deal with that one, I know I do. Looking back, I too faced a lot of criticism. That’s not fun and really takes a toll even if, at the time, we didn’t realize the damage being done. The ‘you never’ line really resonated with me. I got that a lot looking back.

Interesting about the no make up dating site pics idea, I have the same fear. In fact, when I was on those sites, I purposely hid superficial things that might make me attractive to some. If and when I go back, I’ll do the same.

Let me tell ya something.... I know for a fact that you are a catch! You are going to make someone very happy and I hope he makes you happy. The real Pax is a special gal... show the world! :-)

[Pax_luv]

Pinn!!! Xoxoxo

Appreciate the words. I’m sorry to hear that you have that mental model as well. It’s not fun! So how do we get over it? Do we practice it by accepting ourselves wholly? I feel like I can do all the positive self talk in the world to try and do this....it’s just when other people come in to play and I get all neurotic about being totally ensuring I’m totally authentic and still not being good enough.

I don’t know about you Pinn, but I guess something in me is telling me that I really do want to find myself in another serious relationship soon. I’ve been on my own now for so long (3.5 years) minus a few flings here and there, that I think I can handle the real deal in terms of a long term relationship. I guess it’s hard with the fact that i still have so much divorce drama.. I’m technically not totally free, but dang have I done the work on myself..: I should be free.

So now that I think I’m ready, I’m forced to confront the next level of self discovery and reflection. I think I have to remember that hopefully I’ll be with a guy who is super special and who adds value to my current life vs me worrying about if I’m good enough for somebody... that gives too much power and control to someone. And that is not something I want to do. I just don’t want to relive those feelings and behaviors of just pretzeling myself because I’m “stronger” in whatever aspect so i automatically conform. Not even sure if I’m making sense.


Ok enough of that...

Nothing too much to report otherwise. Asked my lawyer to handle some tasks for me because I just don’t have it in me to try and get ex to cooperate with me on something. Of course myawyer obliged and he was way more efficient than I would have been. I guess that’s the price for sanity. I need it! Clearly I’m alover the place. Ohhhh bother.

Anyway, got some legal stuff going on this week balanced with lots of holiday parties. On Wednesday, I’m going to be dropping off a ton of gifts for a family we “adopted” for Christmas. I already know that is going to be a really emotional experience. Even reading the details about the family made me cry...I’m sure I’ll be a mess actually meeting them in person.

[Pax_luv]

Oh and not to say I’m getting in a relationship tomorrow. Not at all. Obviously that takes a lot of time and effort and it could be further down the line than I’d like.... i just think I’ve reached that next level of this whole process and I’m accurely aware of some of the new things I need to work on.

Ahhh the be the Ignorant MLCer chasing everything that gives them temporary happiness so they don’t have to deal with this is uncomfortable growth

[Pax_luv]

Popping in to journal, vent, release, whatever...

So, my ex is Jewish and doesn’t celebrate Christmas. When we were married, we celebrated. It was more about the gatherings and celebrating with friends and family more than anything. I come from a big family. Christmas is a big deal.

Well, ex and I don’t have a dog sharing schedule for the holidays and given the current schedule he would have him all holidays just by default. I don’t care about other holidays except Christmas. I know this is crazy, but think of my dog as my child. Cuz he is! Anyway, I sent him a text message trying to see if we could adjust the schedule so I could have him on Christmas or at least for a little bit. No response.

Fast forward to now-
I recently had some make-up time with my dog. My ex had gone out of town and took the dog with him thus usurping my regularly scheduled time with him. So.. I just did my make-up time. I just dropped him off at 8:30a and will be back to pick him up at 5:30 for my regularly scheduled time with him. Yes, it’s beyond stupid to drop the dog back with him for 9 hours, but that wasn’t a hill I was going to die on.

So, for the first time since he’s filed for divorce, my ex was actually waiting on the stoop for the dog to come back. If you recall, he opens the door and the dog runs out and then he shuts the door. Because of this I never ever see him with the exception of court appearances.

Anyway, he’s sitting there and I immediately brace myself for something terrible. I go around my car, unlock the dog from his seatbelt (mmhmm i buckle him up) and the dog jumps out and towards ex.

Ex Stands up as I walk towards him to give him the leash, and he says to me- 5:30 still? I said, yup. He says, with the most obnoxious 13 year old girl smirk on his face, I thought about Christmas and it doesn’t work for me. (End smirk). He turns around and is inside the house 1 second later.

I turn and walk to my car. I had no response- no time to- but i was also taken aback by his behavior. It was like straight out of mean girls! Like seriously. The statement above in itself is pretty non eventful, but the way he said it had me like wtf- who is this???

Obviously, when I started driving up the street, I got upset the tears started flowing and I’m just baffled by his level of evilness. He is exactly like his dad. Exactly.


Ex told me a story once that he relived often with his dad. They were at a restaurant, and ex ordered more appetizers without asking who was going to pay for the appetizers so his dad took a fork and dug it into his sons legs under the table. While above the table, the dad was smiling and joking with the waitress. Ex knew he was his victim and just had to deal with it.

That’s how I feel ex behaves. Above the surface, he’s this charming guy, cares about community and philanthropy. He just wants to do good because he had a hard life.... but under the surface it’s pure evil manipulating and coercing everyone around him into submission.

In that 3 second interaction I could see it. He wanted to punish me. He had the upper hand because I was asking for something from him and... to be honest... I think he wanted to face me so he could exert that power.

Typing that out, I sound rediculous and paranoid, but that’s how I see all of this.


Ok end rant. Could I be off base here?