Personally I don't know if engaging more with your ex-husband would be healthy for you. I know that it has been a source of stress and pain for you. And your kids are almost to the point where they can manage their own interactions with their father independent of you.
I think that the "friendship" that they want is to keep us in their orbit and for us to accept what they did to us. My own ex-wife had "still being friends" as one of her priorities.
Be careful please. We both know that he's never really let go of you.
((exquisitetobe))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
He does raise my blood pressure. I can' t help but feel like he' s setting me up when he is nice. One thing i know is his anger rise when we do not meet his demands. This was present throughout our relationship. He would get angry and we would all jump to please the unpleasable. Reading your words and writing this makes me realise that this is not a good idea. He can be extremely nice but he can also be very intimidating and scary.
Since he has not adress those issues, it is better for me to keep away..
Also, the timing of him popping his head seem to be timed with me wanting to make radical changes. Like selling the house, getting a new job ( my most recent) , socializing with people he does not know.
The kids keep him updated on my every move. ( most time wothout them realising it ). By talking about themselves. Me moving closer to them, me looking for a better paying job, me considering a new relationship etc..
I would respond to his texts and calls and be kind when he's around, but being a friend w/him won't work. He is still lurking and hasn't let you go completely and him knowing that you are moving on....well...he's not happy about that. I echo Andrew's concerns...be careful.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know about this one. You will never know how much the way you treat him affects the way he treats you until you try something different. I think at the beginning that is really hard. But when you have both detached and moved on and a lot of the hurt has dissipated, it gets easier and easier. I know that since I have made fewer assumptions and have expected things to go more positively they have. I personally enjoy not feeling paranoid all the time about what he is up to and just accept things more at face value.
My toughts this morning were: if he wanted to physically harm me, he would have done so by now. Also, his out of the blue interactions for the past year or so have been few but always positive. My reaction to them has been garded. I have been cold to him. The children are telling me as litgle as possible so not to upset me. But because of the lack of communication on my part, he has no other way but get his info through the children.
I cannot fear him forever. I know how to protect myself. My boundaries are strongly in place and he knows i will take action if necessary. I showed him that i am strongly independant. He knows my weaknesses and he has not taken advantage of it. He also knows our children need me and he did thank me for all i do for them.
I did not give him a chance to get involved. I get the impression that this is what he wants lately. To be included in the parenting, to be involve more in their lives. Or it could be thst he is not getting as much info since D15 hardly communicates with him and the other 3 are gone.
I will procede with extreme caution. I will not contact. I will only work hard at the way i respond and react...
I think it's beautiful that you want to be a good listener. You can still enact boundaries when the listening threatens to be painful for you.
Being friends with your children's father will be better for them. I have many friends that I wouldn't trust with my deepest secrets or with all of my heart. I know what to say and what not to say around them, usually. And if I say too much, I can pull back after.
With my H, I find it very hard to be friends with someone who is continuing to hurt me so much, I am only able to do it with a lot of prayer, daily, hourly, and to become very humble. I would not say we are friends when I am friendly, but I feel very free (from the slavery of bitterness/anger) when I am able to be friendly or kind. Tonight I even made him a cup of tea. He usually says no but he said okay when I offered, probably because he was out of money to buy wine. I was happy that he wasn't drinking and my daughter really enjoyed drinking tea with us and talking about her crush. It was kind of normal and no one thought about divorce while we drank tea. It doesn't mean that I don't expect him to be cruel to me again or to call off the divorce. It's just a little island in the storm before we set out again.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Ironic.. Yesterday, i busted my power steering hose in this frigid minus 48 C. This morning, my mechanic fixed it. On my lunch, i noticed it still leaked...
Tomorrow, D15 has an Ortho appointment in ex-h' s town. Being car less, i asked D15 if she wanted to ask her dad if he could get her there and she asked me to re-schedule instead. My thought were: yes, we have been without his help for 10 years i doubt he would considere doing this now..
Fortunately, my mechanic came throuhh once again and i got my suv back.
I don' t even think ex-h thinks or realise what our lives are like unless he is put on the spot by Son in their arguements.
Well done on getting your hose and leaks fix w/o your xh helping out. Your daughter was very smart to request that her ortho appointment be rescheduled.
No, your xh doesn't have a clue as to what life has been for you and your children. He might very well be shocked at home well all of you are when it comes to getting things done w/o his help.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
