I don't think I can give any better advice than those who weighed in before me, but several things jump out about your post that I do want to weigh in on.
First and foremost, as I have posted before, I'm TOTALLY on team FSL. I get your attraction for/affection toward CL. I really do. But, that one is going nowhere fast. You come across as a very polished gentleman, one who really knows how to treat a lady and make her feel special and cared for and that, my dear Canadian friend, is much rarer than you might imagine. Not that there are not other good, decent, nice guys in this world, but they are fewer and farther between than people realize. You seem like genuinely one of the good ones and it pains me to read about your waiting around for CL as though there is some promise that there will be something there at some point, when it really seems like she's just using you as a soft place to fall because you are comfortable. I personally think she friend-zoned you a long time ago, but since I am not her or you and thus not intimately involved in the situation I could be wrong. You are far too wonderful a man to stand for that, so get out there and have some fun and DATE.
As for S24, I am in total agreement with DnJ. I get your son is an adult and as such can do as he pleases, but you need to really stress to him the importance of not quitting that job, at least not without something else waiting in the wings. If he can find suitable employment to replace what he's already got, then fine, move on, but if not, just because he doesn't get along is really not a good reason for an able-bodied young man to quit a perfectly good job. My dad and I JUST had a very similar conversation yesterday (not about me quitting a job, but about how important it is for young people to learn this lesson early). If I may offer this opinion and say with all due respect, you obviously love your kids and I have no doubt that you are a great dad, but your son is 24 chronologically and has the lifestyle of a much younger person. He lives at home with you, works a job and his money is his money to do what he pleases without him really having any actual responsibility outside of his student loans. Is this the life he really wants? What does he want to be "when he grows up?" Has he even thought about that or does he just go with the flow, so to speak?
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you job, DnJ, and Dawn for the input and the kind things you have said.
As far as CL goes, regardless of what her plans may or may not be, I agree that wandering away from that is indeed the best choice for me at this point. The last time I tried that a few months ago she worked hard on roping me back in and as job suggested, she made time for me that she's not bothering to do now and had stopped doing before too. I also worry because there were so many red flags at the beginning and I also keep seeing them. Things that remind me of my ex-wife before and during her affair. A lot of "I just want to be happy and dump my responsibilities" which might be a joke, but I believe that there's some underlying truth there. I do think that if I ignore her and live my life that she probably won't notice for some time. No need to "split up" because we were never "together".
Originally Posted by Dawn70
First and foremost, as I have posted before, I'm TOTALLY on team FSL. I get your attraction for/affection toward CL. I really do. But, that one is going nowhere fast. You come across as a very polished gentleman, one who really knows how to treat a lady and make her feel special and cared for and that, my dear Canadian friend, is much rarer than you might imagine
Awwee that's sweet Dawn. If I ever do start dating FSL I will probably mention the large number of people - because there's a large IRL cohort too - who think I should be dating her. This Saturday I'll very likely drop off a batch of chocolate coins that her S6 (soon to be S7 - he's a "New Year's baby") likes for his stocking. I did it last year as well and she mentioned that she had reminded her son of who the man was that provided them.
If I knew how old she was that would help a lot. I know when her birthday is. Her mother appears to be a bit over 10 years older than me. She did mention once that she moved home when she was 28 and she has a S6 so that makes roughly 34 based on those assumptions. Exactly 20 years younger than me. I do worry that that's too big of a gap. Not now perhaps but certainly down the road. On the other hand, she's very sweet, quiet with a sense of humour. Definitely not a party girl. Lives modestly, takes responsibility for everything she should and yes - is quite pretty even though I expect she doesn't think so herself. Looking at it "critically" and perhaps cynically, for a 34 year old single mother, a stable 54 year old does perhaps look attractive. If we could add another even 6 or 7 years to that, I'd feel better.
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On the topic of S24 - yeah - that is one I struggle with as everyone knows. Since I was working from home yesterday and expected he would have a tough day at work I decided to be "nice dad" and made up a dozen of the Pillsbury Christmas cookies that I had bought. I put a note on them saying "tough day remedy". He got home while they were still warm and was very happy about it. And his day went smoothly. The trench he expected to be digging in the mud, they approached from another direction, stumbled across a pre-existing drain and were able to tie in to it and also solve a second problem for the home-owner as that drain hadn't been working.
One big difficulty with me and him is that he's a lot like his mother. And I was never able to impose my will on her as we all know The seeds have been sewn though and hopefully when he's spending 2 days with his mother they will be fertilized if the topic comes up which it is likely to. If I was to say "don't quite your job" - he would very likely do exactly that. His mother had once instructed me to tell him when he was living in Oshawa that if he didn't get a job or go back to school that I would cut him off. I remember talking to him about that and him telling me bluntly that if we cut him off that he would just live on the street. No telling how serious he was.
On the other hand, I was very pleased because we talked again last night about him moving out and he appeared to be quite enthusiastic about the idea even saying that he would get a place where he could take the (his) cats with him.
He knows he needs a job to do that. He knows that the job he has won't support that and with the way his boss schedules him he can't get a second job. Fingers crossed that he'll sort it all out. I can't do it for him although I've given him some pointers towards employment agencies and such in the area. With the very low unemployment rate he should be ok.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
And yes doodler - thank you for your suggestions as well
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I can't do it for him although I've given him some pointers towards employment agencies and such in the area. With the very low unemployment rate he should be ok.
I can't speak to and don't follow Canada but in so many ways Canada and the USA are much the same and right now here in the USA anyone who wants a job can get a job. Pass the drug tests, show up, do well, show some ambition and you'll likely get promoted. People who have no business being "managers" are serving in those roles because there is no one else to fill them. So without a doubt he should be able to get a job.
Now, for sure you can't do it for him - nor should you - but what you can do is hold him to some consiqunces. To start with, why is he not paying rent or contributing to utilities, etc.? What possible reason is there? I paid "rent" to my parents when I was 20 and out of my two year college associates degree. Now was I paying what I otherwise would be in an apartment - heck no. I can't even remember for sure but $200/months sticks in my head. Make it what he can reasonably afford. He's 24 for crying out loud! So while you can't make him keep his job, let him make the choice - as an adult. He can chose to quit but choices have consequences. And this living on the street crap is just that - crap. He's playing you and holding you hostage. Not good.
The thing is, none of this is to be mean. It's to help him grow and become a productive adult. He doesn't have a drivers licenses because those around him make it so. If he could not get from point A to point B - if no one would help him, he'd get his drivers license. Dating follows the same. How is he going to find a woman who wants to date someone who not only lives at home but can't pick her up and drive her on a date?
Again, don't chose for him - let him make his own choices in life but make him live like an able-bodied adult - which includes paying his own way. If apartments are $700 in your area, charge him half - perhaps $350. That would be more than fair. The other thing you could do - without telling him, is collect the rent and hold it for him. When he has a job that would sustain rent on his own (or with a room mate) you could give a portion back to him to cover the first and last months rent and security deposit. I'm certain many of us in our 40s and 50s here paid rent in this same way to our parents for a year or two - and we turned out just fine. To be honest, I owe much of how I am as an adult to my parents and holding me accountable like that. You would be doing S24 a huge favor and helping him to become a man. Don't let him make you feel bad about doing the right thing!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Add me on FSL team Andrew. Just wishing you and your family Merry Christmas.
You can write a lot about S24 but we all know how you care about him. You can“t fool us, you are Andrew. Just help him to be himself, and set him free. Enjoy him while he“s still there and show him gradually that he is an adult.
Did I say I was on FSL team? Oh, I did!
Merry Christmas Andrew!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hey Andrew! I agree with all the others regarding your S. You are a rescuer. You like to do for others to save them any grief and make their lives easier. But in the long run, you aren't doing your S any favors. He has no consequences. I would definitely be charging him rent to stay which will show him how he doesn't have the luxury of quitting a job without lining up another.
At 24 I was married with a full time job in nursing school. I was on my own at 18 paying for my own apartment. May it have all been a tad premature, I am thankful for everything it taught me, because when my husband left me and my newborn baby, I knew how to stand on my own 2 feet.
It's ok to not make life easy for everyone. It's obvious that's how you show love, taking the burden off others. But it's not always a favor, although we know your intentions are gold.
And I agree with FSL! Don't procrastinate! Just go for it, dude!
And yes doodler - thank you for your suggestions as well
Thank you. Thank you very much. <bowing and blowing kisses>
Regarding your son, down south we raise the gooderest youngins. What's the secret? We chain the little f*ckers to a tree in the backyard and feed them once a day.
I caught that thing Don said about Canadians. You know, how similar Canadians are to real Americans. I agree; it's as if they're squatters on real American soil.
We chain the little f*ckers to a tree in the backyard and feed them once a day.
I caught that thing Don said about Canadians. You know, how similar Canadians are to real Americans. I agree; it's as if they're squatters on real American soil.
It's always funny to us how you Americans seem to aspire to be like Canadians but you never hear a Canadian say that we're like Americans. Your spelling is atrocious for one thing. And only my son-in-law who is from Georgia has been heard to say Lieutenant properly. And that only under duress.
Another busy Saturday. I think that if I were to tote it up that I spent more on alcohol than on food though when doing my groceries. I stopped by the local winery and one of the local breweries (jealous Doodler?) and stocked up for the next week. S24 also had a beer order added to the grocery list.
My first stop was to get my oil changed in my 2010 Corolla. 505,000 km and counting. It burns a bit of oil but is in good shape otherwise. I'm diligent on getting my service done to schedule and am on a first name basis with most of the people at the dealership including most of the technicians.
One of the people there happens to be the daughter of an old family friend and is about my age. Her parents and mine were good friends and her mother actually was my bus driver for quite a while. She's the finance person at the dealership and quite nice. I usually pop my head in to her office and say hi. She's been divorced for at least 5 years or so I think. Unusually, even though she was quite busy she chatted quite vigorously with me and we compared kid problem stories. She has 4 all still at home ranging in age from 15 to 26. She also went on a short rant about my ex-wife who is also a customer of that dealership. She really doesn't like my ex. I think that she's struggling with dependent adult and nearly adult children and supporting everyone and doing everything as a single mom. She has a high end van that she was talking about as well that she probably bought while still married that is very falling apart. The staff at the dealership have actually asked her to park it behind the building.
As I've mentioned before, it is indeed amazing when you look around how many single mature people there are out there. And yes, she is someone that I would consider dating. Funny - even though I knew her parents well and undoubtedly we cross paths as children, I don't remember her at all from back then. When I bought my first Toyota though and she did the paperwork that's when the connection was made.
It was a bit funny that today she kept chatting with me to the point that I was getting uncomfortable that I was interfering with her getting her job done and suggested that I should check on my car as she was surely quite busy with work and she just kept chatting. Since I was just in for an oil change I did have a good excuse to head out.
At the bank I was chatting with the new teller who I think is nice and as the topic ventured around Christmas meals, she did mention that she as well is single so that uncertainty is now gone. I did get a very strong "I'm not interested in you other than as a customer" vibe from her though. Other times though I've gotten different vibes. People undoubtedly have on and off days.
Funny encounter at the flower shop today. It was fully staffed for Christmas. Normally there is only one or two people working. The owner, another clerk, FSL and her mother were all in there working. Today I was sold white roses which shocked the other clerk who knew my past insistence on red. I did have a laugh because I commented that I just did what I was told and then FSL turned to the rest of the staff and said "See - That's how it's done". She was both unsurprised and pleased with the small bag of chocolate coins that I gave her for her S6's stocking. I suspect that the commentary was buzzing when I left. The treats for her son certainly were remarked on by all.
As FSL told me though, the white roses not only look lovely but also smell quite nice. She smelled them before selling them to me and I have checked them as well. They look very nice on my bedside tables.
Busyish few days in front of me. Sunday Supper is planned to be a small ham. I have my duck out to thaw as well as the Melton Mowbray pork pies for Christmas Eve / stocking stuffing. And yes, there is a story on why I have a tradition of pork pies and sherry on Christmas Eve that I started last year. Terry Pratchett's (a favourite author) HogFather is the source. A very fun read that was well adapted into a movie.
As there are no longer fresh pumpkins at the grocery store I picked up canned pumpkin to make a pie for Christmas Day with my brothers, their wives and my wee nephew. I also got probably far too many Granny Smith apples which a friend suggested are ideal for pies to make a covered Apple pie for my own Christmas feast. I strongly suspect that D26 got me a pie bird for Christmas when we were in Williamsburg. I also believe that Santa is bringing me a new grill that will be idea for making pancakes and sausages for my breakfast with S24 on Boxing Day.
To all my dear friends here. Best wishes for a very Merry Christmas. I may or may not be posting between now and then but will be checking in.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Merry Christmas to you and your family. Sounds like you've got a few busy days ahead. Do try to carve out some "me" time along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well - S24 just got in to his mother's car a few minutes ago. As usual, she never pulled in to the drive but instead parked across the street. It shouldn't bother me to see her even from that distance but yeah - it still does. I stayed in the living room far enough back that probably she couldn't see me watching her. She never turned her head towards the house.
I asked and S24 said that he won't be back until Boxing Day morning - later than I thought as I'd expected him back after supper on Christmas Day. I bought a cheap stocking for him as I expect he has taken his usual one with him and that will be filled and waiting for him when he gets home. I'll have to do my own I think.
I had an interesting encounter yesterday while on my walk. I bumped in to a neighbour of mine who is a never-married (I believe) bachelor and is also the handy-man for the store's owner that my ex works at.
He is "very" unimpressed with her even though they used to be good friends. He muttered a few times that he knows exactly where all the furniture that left my house went. He also mentioned that he had heard quite a few rumours about what my ex had been up to even shortly after she left. One bit of timeline that he mentioned though was interesting. When she moved out, she moved in to a small house at the edge of the village temporarily. The handyman then had to rush through getting the apartment ready for her but that the kitchen didn't get done before she moved in. Then he said that she was given some extra long vacation so that he could have 2 weeks uninterrupted to re-do the kitchen. That was when she emptied the joint savings and went to Roatan with OM. So it was a rather spontaneous event.
I did also hear through the grapevine that she's having a rough time of things emotionally at present. The suspicion is that she and OM are on the outs again. She didn't arrive in his truck for S24 like she has a couple of times in the past but was alone in her car.
I know that I shouldn't dwell on her at all and that yes, my son going to spend a couple of days with his mother is a good thing. I do miss what I had and the house feels particularly empty right now.
Going to crank up the Christmas music now and start the pot of chili I had planned on making.
Happy Christmas everyone!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The seeds have been sewn though and hopefully when he's spending 2 days with his mother they will be fertilized if the topic comes up which it is likely to. If I was to say "don't quite your job" - he would very likely do exactly that. His mother had once instructed me to tell him when he was living in Oshawa that if he didn't get a job or go back to school that I would cut him off. I remember talking to him about that and him telling me bluntly that if we cut him off that he would just live on the street. No telling how serious he was.
