Not quite sure how to say it, but ever since you & Wolfie played that prank on OW, followed by an amazing level of open communication at critical junctures, I had a sense that you are well on your way of rebuilding the bond you seek and it will last.
I second Sage's suggestion ... you deserve a place in the success stories "Hall of Fame".
Well, I'm holding out for a two years past bomb-day to write a full blown success story.
Mothers' Day was ok. I would have been bummed if it had all been about the boys (the oldest didn't even call to say "Happy Moms' Day)!
Wolfie did give me a card. Not exactly a MD card, I think he found the cards for people that cheated on their spouse section--who knew they had a card for ALL occassions! Anyway, the best part was what he wrote because it was a sincere apology and a promise never to break my heart again. It certainly took a good long while for him to get out of his own self-centered mindset before, during, and after the A.
I did have a rough time last week. I've gotten used to the triggers, but I think I had a full-blown punch in the gut flashback. He was getting ready for bed as I was getting ready for work. Suddenly, it hit me--all of those months that he had waited for me to leave for work so he could talk on the phone with OW. It didn't feel like a bad memory, it felt like a full-on anxiety attack out of nowhere. It really knocked the wind out of me & I had to go throw up. It took a couple of days for me to talk about it because the experience was so intense.
Ick--infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving! It has gotten better, though. Time and a truly remorseful formerly-unfaithful spouse are great healers.
Thank goodness for the last part of that statement, Tal. Its what puts you amongst the fortunate ones here.
Didn't mean that to sound glib, but I get the sense that sometimes you have a tough time seeing how impressive the current positives are thru the flashbacks of the past.
Hi Talitsa - Wow. I hope to be able to say the same things about my M sometime in the future. We are still in the 'almost-end-of-A' stage. Sigh. Thank you for sharing your progress. Slowly
Quote: I did have a rough time last week. I've gotten used to the triggers, but I think I had a full-blown punch in the gut flashback. He was getting ready for bed as I was getting ready for work. Suddenly, it hit me--all of those months that he had waited for me to leave for work so he could talk on the phone with OW. It didn't feel like a bad memory, it felt like a full-on anxiety attack out of nowhere. It really knocked the wind out of me & I had to go throw up. It took a couple of days for me to talk about it because the experience was so intense.
Tal -- I'm sorry that you went thru this but wanted to let you know it really helped me to read it...still get stuck sometimes in the "things are great why do I still sometimes reel from the feelings?" mode...so, nice to know I occasionally have company in the revisiting room.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hey all. What a weird day today! This morning, a guy at my work was trying to come on to me. He had what had to be the first pick up line I've EVER heard, lolol! Something about how , in his Tribe, there was a tradition of "stealing women" for wives & that's a hard tradition to break when he met a woman like me. Can you believe it? Sheesh! I told him that my H came from a Tribe that had a tradition of kicking the a$$es of men who talked to their wives like that & my Tribe had a few "traditions" along those lines too. Holy! And that was just the start of a day that got weirder!
Anyways....Sage, no you aren't the only one. It feels like a fine line to walk sometimes. I won't deny that there is still a lot that I have to work through and it will take time. Here's the big BUT (lol) though: I'm not going to wallow in being a martyr and I'm not trying to punish my sweetie! It took a while for him to get that it is a gift when I bring him my vulnerable feelings and allow him to comfort me and for me to comfort him in return. It's about healing and turning TOWARD each other instead of isolating and distancing. It's new stuff for us, good stuff!
Also, I think ratio is important. Lot's of positive stuff per a little bit of the difficult stuff.
KAW, maybe I do need to go back and read through my threads for a fresh appreciation of how far we've come. The healing that is still in progress doesn't take away from the really good state that our relationship is in now, though. Ya know, I always knew our R had the potential to be great, but we both had limited abilities to express ourselves or ask for what we needed.
Pam, I knew from the day the bomb hit that we could work our way through this if we both wanted to. I know that sometimes it takes awhile for some WAS to shake their heads and wonder WTF they were thinking first, but there is a level of disrespect that would have been the breaking point for me. I love my guy, but I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. If I had not seen improvement in those areas over time, I would have walked away and told myself that it was Wolfie's loss.
You deserve to be loved and treated with respect too! You have used the bottom-line self-improvement principals of DB in the finest way--for yourself! Some folks learn the hard lessons in life by watching other people make mistakes, some folks have to make serious mistakes themselves but learn from those, and SOME folks just keep beating their head against a brick wall over and over--wondering why it hurts! You have learned so much! I know you are not ready to think about another R yet, but you are much healthier and happier now--so in the future, you will attract a much healtheir & happier R!
To Slowly & Mooka & T2 & PIB & everybody else: big wave HI!
Hi Talitsa - I so enjoy reading your posts - they are like a light in the distance, confirming that the direction I'm heading in is an OK one.
Quote: If I had not seen improvement in those areas over time, I would have walked away and told myself that it was Wolfie's loss.
I think when I tell myself that I have not made a final decision about my future, this is what I am looking for. The A ending is just a starting point for the new R, how NG and I now relate to each other will be what matters.
Quote: Ya know, I always knew our R had the potential to be great, but we both had limited abilities to express ourselves or ask for what we needed.
Another point of resonance. And it will probably take a lot of hard work and time to get to a good place, we still have trust issues to work through.
I'm feeling a bit better after visiting you. Thanks. Hugs, Slowly
We had an interesting bit of communication this last week. I mentioned that it still bothers me that I have NEVER in 10 years, heard anything from Wolfie that indicated the slightest bit jealous or possessive.
For the first time, he admitted to having "twinges" of insecurity from time to time. Apparently, he has had more than a few "twinges" about a specific male co-worker (and friend) of mine. The situation is that there are 3 men that I work with now that also all used to work together at a different place before. I consider all 3 guys to be friends of mine, but I am very aware of boundaries with my male friends.
The guy that Wolfie has worried about is an attorney and he doesn't have very good boundaries. He complains about his rather dysfunctional wife & home life frequently. A few months ago, I felt that he was going to far in telling me things that were a little too personal about his marraige, so I asked him to stop talking to me about it.
Over the years, whenever Wolfie and I would talk about our workday, I probably have told him quite a bit about the attorney friend of mine...jokes he has told...cases we worked on together...his griping about his wife.
Wolfie said that he started wondering if it was just a matter of time because I am friends with this man, the man is unhappy at home, and I spend more time at work than I actually spend with Wolfie (Wolfie works nights). Wolfie has told me many times that he doesn't "worry" about me being unfaithful, but as it turns out, he worries that one day I will up and tell him that I have grown to have feelings for someone else (more than likely the attorney guy) and end our relationship.
I was pretty much shocked to hear all of this stuff. For one, it had never occurred to me to ever commit infidelity. **well...except for right after the bomb when I briefly considered having an A as revenge***
I just have never looked at another man in that way--not even potentially. I ESPECIALLY have never looked at the attorney guy as even remotely attractive!
Anyway, I told Wolfie that he's got nothing at all to worry about with me! I'm glad to know that he does have some twinges of jealousy, because I don't want to be totally taken for granted. Still, I was sad to hear that for years he's been walking around waiting for the shoe to drop. I told him that he just isn't disposable or replaceable to me!
All of this is important info for me in terms of understanding the reasons that lead Wolfie into having an A. Shortly after I found out about his infidelity, Wolfie said a lot of things about how he believed it was "just a matter of time" before I asked him to leave. He had convinced himself that I just didn't love him anymore. The truth was that I was mad at him for emotionally distancing himself from me and acting like an ass--but I was never considering ending the R.
All of this is more clear now. It's a big piece of the puzzle that I have been missing in understanding the nuclear bomb that landed on my life.
