Well, I didn't respond to that message about the D papers in the drawer from my W for quite awhile. Initially, after the text, I wasn't really bothered by it. Then, as I was traveling for work, the roller coaster started downward. I started to become saddened about what seems to be inevitable. Went through the 'woe is me' act about everything that has transpired this year. My lucky number/favorite number has always been 34. I remember a post my W put on instagram on my birthday about a month before all of this crap started in May. It was wishing me a "lucky" 34th birthday and that 'I am loved.' Boy, did that not age well!
So, in the midst of this anguish and heartbreak, I went against my initial plan of not responding to her text and sent her a message which said that I wanted to know her thoughts and feelings on this. Does she wanted me to sign the certificate of service so she can file now or not? She is the one that wants this, not me. And I won't stand in the way anymore.
I never got a response. Do her actions speak louder than her words? I want to think so, but I'm unsure. She signed the initial pleadings back on November 19th. She has had them in her possession this whole time and hadn't brought them up to me until yesterday. Now that I've asked her what SHE wants, she doesn't respond. Are these possible signs that she is actually not 100% sure she wants to proceed yet? No clue. If I take her at her word (believe nothing of what they say) she's tried to make it pretty clear she doesn't want to R. However, if that's the case, why not give me the pleadings after she signed them? Or, why not just reply to my text yesterday with a 'Yes, let's get the process started.' Confusing to say the least.
All I know is, I'm not going to be pursuing an answer from her. I'm not going to bring it up anymore. I'm going to go back to my 'do nothing' mindset unless she gives me a clear indication that she wants me to sign the paperwork, which I will do. If she gives me the indication that she wants it signed, I will give her her wish. I'm not going to impede the process.
I started reading Joe2017's threads last night. It's become apparent to me that his W was pretty dead set on D early on and while I have only gotten through about half of his threads, I saw his update yesterday that she's now come back, 1 year later, with repentance and sorrow and sounded as though she is wanting a second chance. His W early on did try temp checking him quite a bit which hasn't been the case in my sitch. Anyway, it is a good example for me that the WW does sometimes come out of the fog. That doesn't mean mine will, but it does give me some peace of mind knowing that even if my W sounds dead set on pushing through to D, there is the possibility that down the road she might realize she screwed up.
I'm going to continue to turn my focus on detaching, moving on and letting her go instead of putting so much effort into saving our MR. I will try to be the lighthouse with a smooth and clear road back for her if she decides to have a change of heart.
I have been getting a lot of unhealthy advice from my mom, lately, which further clouds my mind. Rather than being supportive and understanding of my sitch, she is trying to give me advice on what I should do (kick her a$$ out now! You deserve better, she's a liar and a fake!, etc. etc.) Not helpful at all and I told her that last night. She tried to lay the guilt trip on my and tell me that they (my parents), too, are grieving and were "blindsided" by this. That it isn't just the 5 of us (Me, W & 3 kids) going through this. I finally just quit responding to her messages. It reminds me of the first chapter in DR where MWD talks about family and friend influences. I know, deep down, she thinks she is trying to help but the way she's doing it is the complete opposite of what I need right now. She is so insistent on knowing all of the dirty details of what W did (As) and has been relentless in trying to get me to admit them. She thinks that will give her a better understanding of what I'm going through. She is just trying to be nosey and get dirt on my W to justify her contempt for her. I haven't, yet, and don't plan to anytime soon. What is ironic is my W is trying to destroy my family, has caused me so much pain, suffering and sorrow but yet I still feel the need to "protect" her. I think it shows that deep down I'm a good person with good morals and core values and that I am not intentionally vindictive by outing all of her dirty laundry. Too bad she can't see that.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
Or, why not just reply to my text yesterday with a 'Yes, let's get the process started.' Confusing to say the least.
Shifting the blame. And you were pursuing. I went through this exact same thing around Sept. 15 if you want to look through my threads from back then.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
All I know is, I'm not going to be pursuing an answer from her. I'm not going to bring it up anymore. I'm going to go back to my 'do nothing' mindset unless she gives me a clear indication that she wants me to sign the paperwork, which I will do. If she gives me the indication that she wants it signed, I will give her her wish. I'm not going to impede the process.
Good.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
it does give me some peace of mind knowing that even if my W sounds dead set on pushing through to D, there is the possibility that down the road she might realize she screwed up.
Good, and let the peace of mind help you heal. Apparently there are a LOT of stories about the dead-set ones coming back. At least that's what I tell myself for my own peace of mind.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
she is trying to give me advice on what I should do (kick her a$$ out now! You deserve better, she's a liar and a fake!, etc. etc.)
Typical. They see you hurting and they want it to end. They don't realize that it won't end even if you do everything they're saying. My parents have been pushing me to file for D for a couple months now, with the rationale that "your emotions will catch up with your actions, act soon." I hold them off by saying, yes, thanks, I know you're trying to help me. I'm still thinking about my options.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
What is ironic is my W is trying to destroy my family, has caused me so much pain, suffering and sorrow but yet I still feel the need to "protect" her. I think it shows that deep down I'm a good person with good morals and core values
Or maybe check on CoDA? Hmm...
Last edited by burned; 12/12/1803:51 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
W1, remember family and friends always have one agenda. They know you are hurting and want to stop seeing you hurt. So they will tell you things they think will get you over the pain the quickest. That advice is usually counter to your goals.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
it does give me some peace of mind knowing that even if my W sounds dead set on pushing through to D, there is the possibility that down the road she might realize she screwed up.
Good, and let the peace of mind help you heal. Apparently there are a LOT of stories about the dead-set ones coming back. At least that's what I tell myself for my own peace of mind.
Check out Joe2017's latest posts, classic example. He got BD'd 11-2017. His W steamrolled the D process and they were divorced February of this year. Had almost no contact for 6 months and now she has approached him expressing grief, sorrow, repentance, has asked his forgiveness and is begging him for another chance. If you go back and look at the 3rd or 4th page of his first thread you'll see me (and others) there saying the exact same stuff I say to most people here. Time, space, patience. I told him not to expect a turnaround in weeks or months, that it would take a year or more.
I don't have a crystal ball but what I do have is a lot of time here seeing a lot of situations play all the way out. Most of you are only a few months past BD and you think it's the end of the world because all you see is the pain and grief. But when you've been here for years like me and some of the others, you see there are some really spectacular things that happen AFTER the pain and grief. Transformed lives. Changed people. Unexpected recons. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. You just haven't been here long enough to see it and believe in it.
it does give me some peace of mind knowing that even if my W sounds dead set on pushing through to D, there is the possibility that down the road she might realize she screwed up.
Good, and let the peace of mind help you heal. Apparently there are a LOT of stories about the dead-set ones coming back. At least that's what I tell myself for my own peace of mind.
Check out Joe2017's latest posts, classic example. He got BD'd 11-2017. His W steamrolled the D process and they were divorced February of this year. Had almost no contact for 6 months and now she has approached him expressing grief, sorrow, repentance, has asked his forgiveness and is begging him for another chance. If you go back and look at the 3rd or 4th page of his first thread you'll see me (and others) there saying the exact same stuff I say to most people here. Time, space, patience. I told him not to expect a turnaround in weeks or months, that it would take a year or more.
I don't have a crystal ball but what I do have is a lot of time here seeing a lot of situations play all the way out. Most of you are only a few months past BD and you think it's the end of the world because all you see is the pain and grief. But when you've been here for years like me and some of the others, you see there are some really spectacular things that happen AFTER the pain and grief. Transformed lives. Changed people. Unexpected recons. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. You just haven't been here long enough to see it and believe in it.
Yep, I’m on his 3rd thread now. What you were writing to him back then sounded awfully similar to what I’ve heard from you here. I’m preparing for the long haul, but in the meantime going to focus on me and getting through the pain, grief and utter devastation. That’s priority #1 along with continuing to detach and move on. I understand I need to let her go and do whatever it is she has to do. If that means signing the D papers to get it started, I’ll oblige.
Thanks again for always checking in on me.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I read all of Joe's threads. His sitch is almost the same as mine. My WW isnt crazy abusive and flaunting the OM in my face though. My WW is just acting like nothing is wrong and living as my roommate and occasionally getting mad at me for petty stuff then blaming me for "not wanting to fix it". My WW is still speaking with OM. My WW is adamant that her wanting a D has nothing to do with her A. Which is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. My WW wants to be a WAW but she is in fact a WW.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I don't know what to think about my sitch. It's stupid to even THINK this, but I almost wish my W would get mad at me for crap because that would mean she's actually interacting with me and concerned about what I'm doing. She really doesn't give me the time of day unless it's something of the utmost importance pretty much.
On the flip side, no communication does help me detach from an emotional standpoint and helps me with going dim as well I suppose.
I'm still not physically detached as I stated in another thread yesterday. Once she moves out, detaching physically from her will be easier I think since I won't have to see her in all of her form fitting clothes constantly.
Not gonna lie, the lack of any intimacy for me is starting to bother me. Not necessarily with her, but just in general. My neck is starting to swell and I'm starting to get into full rut. All you deer hunters will understand what I mean!
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
My W gets mad at me about some things, but she gets ‘persnickety’ (her word), and it comes across very mean.
I know our stitches differ, but it’s rather easy for me to physically detach from her, though I would not say no to sex. But I agree with you, the lack of intimacy is starting to bother me. But it’s easier to find her less physically, emotionally and spiritually attractive, if that makes sense.
