Just keep swimming, I think I can, I think I can part2

[DnJ]

Good Morning marina

I agree with your ide of keeping the important stuff from her past - Purple Heart, baby pictures, all of that. Right now, like my W, she is in a place where she would probably just throw it away, they did everything else. Later, maybe, your W might just change a bit and will be able to express and face the value that her past has. For now she is running, and to run fast you need to drop what you are carrying.

DnJ

[Kyh]

Kudos to you for keeping those things for her. I know it's not easy. Put them in a safe spot out of mind. I have some things here of ex (her grandparents left her) I know she would want but would go missing in the chaos. I'm not certain but I wouldn't be surprised if ex lost her storage unit so I'm glad I put those things away for her.

Hope you're having a good weekend!

[marina7]

DnJ,

Yes I wanted to test it, due to me moving my things
From shed to storage I figured this would have been
A good idea to give W her items.

As I wrote I knew W wasn't ready and I am glad
I did that. Maybe oneday W will thank me or
kids I know will be thankful.

Kyh,
Your right is not easy, and of course many
People like best friend doesn't understand why
Am I keeping W things I tried to explain to bf
But I also remember many friends will not understand
Unless they been through the hell we have on here.

I know is hard for me as I know I have her things
But I tuck totes in the back of storage and they will
stay there.

Journaling,

Earlier in my journal I wrote how W was starting
W mess again trying to use s10 as a pawn. I now
Have a back bone I politely say No No No W you don't
Want to do that or Police will be called have s10 always ready

W goes on a rant how W has a life my world doesn't
Revolves around you. W walks away stomping feet
Leave me alone.

I just stood there silent just watching W behavior
W then goes to the car and hands me a plastic
Bag wrap around.

W says here is s10 elf. I nodded s10 he can't breathe
I said ok s10 mommy will save him. I opened bag
And gave Elfy elf in the shelf. Air mouth to mouth punp
elf chest and boom. Elf is alive. S10 smiled hug and said
Thank you mommy. At this time W just staring at me simply
Looking at me. I said ok lets go. And let's get home is cold.

Still w is standing out there. While am making s10 feel
Better.
Now trio's are buckled up. W says you are crazy you know
They are fake.

I just look at W and wanted to yell No sh&t I know Santa
And elf are not real but our kids still believe so please don't
F this up too.

But no I just drove off, I hope my face said it all to W.
As we where driving S10 is just talking. How how his elf
Was behaving and giggling.

And he was smitten how I saved Elfy.
S10 explained how W wrapped Elfy in bag and s10
Was crying please don't and W yeld he not real stop acting
Like your crazy.

While s10 explained that red light comes on so we are at a
Stop. I reached over and said what do you think s10.

S10 said well yeah he is Elfy is real because you brought
Him back home. Trio's said Santa is real they protest in
Car while I started driving.

One thing caught my ear while them 3 talking
Not sure which kid said it but yeld W is a scrooge
W is a scrooge they repeatedly said this I just drove
Silent.

Did this anger me yes, I feel W is so miserable why not
Also make Trios miserable in ruining their Christmas.

W knows how important the holiday's are for me. To
Make sure our kids always know why is Christmas here
And is about giving and everything that goes with it.

W also knows how the trio's look forward to elf on the
Shelf. Yes Santa little helpers, I would say these Elfs
Stir up the house during the holidays.

I must say I get a kick being the elf lol..

If you don't know what elf on the shelf google it.

I have not seen my kids smile in a while but since elfs
Are back they been smiling and giggling.

I have done some fun things with the Elfs
The Trios usually wake up with toys being scattered
Or the elf paper toilet our kitchen, or they had a syrup party
With spaghetti... lol

And usually the mess the Elfs make the Trios must clean up
After them.

So if you can picture 3 kids and 3 Elfs bahahaha yes
I always have to come up with ideas for the Elfs.

So yesterday a friend of mine who is a physical therapist
Reach out to me, ask was trio's and I available for dinner.

I of course said yes friend H said ok here my address see you
Then.
Kids and I dress up nice to dinner party.


H lives in a beautiful area and home. Very nice
I was like wow. As you walk up to her house it's like
A magazine home. And once H opened her door
D10 and I was at all. Literally inside home look like
A magazine set up. Very Christmas H had 4 Christmas tree and gift

The boys are boys they kick shoes off, and run d10 had to
Calm her brothers lol. D10 says boys act your age this
Is not a playground. H and I laughed h said look who
Has taken the role of mom. I nodded yes am working on
That.

D10 now feels she must take care of me and brother's.

Remember I was more like a dad. So d10 feels now is her
Job since W left us.

H has a beautiful cat, white fluffy with blue eyes.
Boys where trying to chase the cat a couple time h and I
Had to say no no boys. While d10 just drew or learning her sign
Language.

H and I talk. Table was set up so beautiful I honestly didn't
Want to touch the table lol. You would have thought I was
The president that's how beautiful the house was set up.

I said H I didn't know you cook, H smiled said No I don't
Only on my special days. Or for you and kids.
I just smiled.

I honestly felt like a teenager not knowing what to do.

H made salad wow amazing salad with apples,pears and
Dry cherries, with a cherry dressing for the salad,

Then pasta, wow so tasty, with homemade bread so warm
Melted in our mouth,
Dessert was jello with cheesecake filling between and whip cream

Then we cleaned up. H was so kind making sure kids and I
Wanted anything else.

[DnJ]

Wow. That meal sounded great and the house must have look fantastic. I did smile at your admission of not knowing what to do, like a teenager at a fancy diner - which fork am I supposed to be using. Actually, which fork are we supposed to use? I’ve just started on the outside and worked my way inward. Lol

I am sure your kids felt very special as well; presidential was a good way of describing it.

The Elf on the Shelf become a thing, or known to me, after my children had outgrown certain beliefs. The magical time of year still exists, just the wide-eyed innocents and gleeful joy of the young remain in memories. I totally understand why you want it to last as long as possible.

Children are wholesome and pure with their feelings and observations. Your W is a Scrooge. It is a difficult spot to be in for you. Do not discount or dismiss their observations, feelings, or truth. At the same time you do not need to jump on board and further it. Sometimes, being silent or saying very little is the best communication.

Mom sure is being a Scrooge. / Yes, she sure seems like it. Pretty sad. ...... Now, where do you think we should put Elfy so he doesn’t get into too much trouble?


marina, stay the course, you are doing an awesome job.

DnJ

[marina7]

We then sat in couch and H came over
With presents. I was at all. I said No

H said kids you see all those bags.
Trio's eyes light up. See which of those
Have your names. They ran. With smiles
I seen H smiling.

They where so happy and just saying wow.
H comes back with more gifts.

H got us couple families game. After Trios
Unwrapping. Trio's said can we play a family game

H smiled said Yes if mom is ok I nodded as yes.
We played this game. We laughed H was teaching us

I have not felt this way in a while.
S9 was getting crabby because is getting late we cleaning
Up.
H said your ready for another dessert. Kids where at all
Another one. D10 said ok we staying here. H smiled.

As we ate another yummy dessert.
This one was peppermint ice cream with layers
Of crushed oreos. So yummy. With fudge on top.

I ask H after words can we help clean H said no is ok
We talk for a few. Also kids where talking. H noticed s10
H ask how is he. I explained some new behavior of food
He was never a picky eater now he says the texture of
Food tastes different. H explain to me Kids with A.D.D or
ADHD could cause that especially what s10 has been through

It now made Sense when H explained this. Because now s10
His sensors and senses are bad. He wakes up with any noise
Or lights or food smell for him gives him certain taste.

I'll be honest am not book smart am street smart.
Where H was going to be a doctor for neurologist
Then H said she then changed to Therapist and then
Changed her mind and became a physical therapist who
Specializes in Nerve damage, when your nerves disconnect
From your brain. H is super smart she was my Physical
Therapist when I got hurt at work and got CRPS. H
Specializes in all that.

H knows me in a personally knows me. For 3 yrs or 4
I spend 2 hours almost everyday for 2yrs with H.

She was my physical therapist. So she knew W as W use
To sometimes drive me, after W left H was there brought
Us groceries help change my badge. Help me because again
W was supposed to take trio's for 3 weeks while I heal W drop
Them at hospital saying am done.

So I remember telling H a week later what W did. H said why
Didn't you called me. H was upset and that's when a real
Friendship began. I honestly seen H as she would not want
To be friends. If you see me I love tattoos. I am down to
Earth. Where H is very quiet No kids, just a cat.

So it's nice to have a friend like that,
H said I'll look up something's that can help s10 with
His sensors, sleeping and hopefully we see things turn
Around. I agreed and Thank her so much.

So we where about to get ready to leave H said I have another
Gift for me. I opened it was a bible, H is Christian
A couple weeks ago I lost my prayer book. H didn't know
So it was a blessing getting a prayer and bible in one.
I told H the story how I lost my book. H smiled and said
Maybe someone needed it more and he then told me to get
You one. Everything works in mysterious ways.

I did agree it gave me goosebumps. How God works in
Mysterious ways.

As we where saying goodbye, kids gave h a big hug
And kept thanking H. I also said thank you so much
H said lets fo this again. Trio's said yeah... yeah mom
Say yeah... I smiled and said ok sounds like a plan.

We hugged and H says let me know when trio's make it safe
H said love you kids. Kids where all giggly.

Soooooo... kids jump in car Trios say are you dating miss H.
I said No H is a friend. D10 said well mom is ok. I said no
I promise you am not Miss H is just a good friend.

I then had to explain just because mommy is gay doesn't
Mean I can't have girls as friends. Like my best friend
D10 says bestfriend has a husband mom. I ask why did
They ask that and assume.

D10 says because W says all the girlfriends you have as friends
Are not your friends mommy m dates them. I said well first
W should have not said that. And remember friends come
In different size,shape and sex. I have more friends I just
Trust certain ones around you three.

D10 replied that makes sense so you trust best friend, H and R
And C with us. I said exactly, I named a couple of other friends

That they didn't know, I then explained because these are just
People I go out. They are people I feel you trio's don't have to meet.

So on the drive back home was explaining that just because your
Straight, gay or married everyone should have friends.

Friends doesn't mean you date them. Friends are just friends
And they agreed.

W still has a way of always confusing my kids I am grateful my
Head is level enough to try to explain to them the best way I can.

So now they know H has been there for me. I just never let kids
Meet H until I felt it was right which this weekend was. And I am
Glad we went.

We also put Christmas tree up. Well the trio's did I just monitor
Them. This year I did feel better than last year and we decorated
Inside and outside. It feels good.

[peacetoday]

Marina

sounds like a good friend-
God does work

Glad Trios got gifts and had fun

[marina7]

DnJ,

Thank you, yes when trio's said that, I stood silent. That's one thing I
have done, till this day I never agreed with kids. I usually just listen.

Is it hard Yes but I understand they need to vent.

I must say Yes H made me feel like a teenager at dinner table. But
Thank God for my aunt who was there until she pass over 20yrs ago.
My aunt was a housekeeper but her clients treated my aunt like
Family so when they invited aunt, uncle I always went. My aunt
And uncle where my escape from my crazy family. My aunt was
My only safe place. I wish my bio mom would have let me lived
with my aunt when my aunt offered to take me. My bio mom wasn't
A mom lets just say men's and drugs came first.

So bio mom said no but would allow me to go weekends which I remember
At 10 taken 2 trains and a bus to get to aunt home. And key being under the
Plant. Fridge always full with food and little notes for me. No TV in aunt
Home but lots of Puzzles, News papers and radio I will wait for another
2 or 3 hours till aunt got home. We would make homemade pasta sauce
Homemade Pasta, bread and sometimes uncle was there. My uncle was
Contract architect for United airlines so was away alot. But he was there
We did homemade kites and if weather was good we fly them.

Wow writing this brought some great memories how I miss my aunt.
Aunt was my safety place. I sometimes wonder why did bio mom didn't just
Give me to my aunt.

I will say I have broken that chain for disaster. My bio grandmother wasn't
Good mom, bio mom also then sister also followed bio mom steps
And I took and fought for my niece and nephew, when I seen sister giving
them the life bio mom gave me. I fought hard for d10 and s9 and now they are
My kids.

Yes I lost people, I won't even say Family but I also didn't lose much but
Only chaos. I rather be where I am with my Trios then the chaos.

I still talk with my aunt after 22yrs aunt pass away When I am down
I have her picture next to bed side I take her picture and just talk.
Still feels good. I ask her always I hope am making you proud.

Peacetoday
Yes God has a way. I always know he is there.
Sometimes am in patient but God has his plan.

Trio's woke up talking about H. How nice H is
We played with games.
They couldn't stop talking amongst themselves H home

S10 made us eggs while I watch and made sure not to close to stove.
S10 makes some pretty good eggs and ham. D10 set table and just
Kept saying mom relax we got this.

S9 woke up not feeling well so Dr. Tomorrow his throat hurts bad.
D10 and s9 have huge tonsils it might be time to remove them
Dr recommended last year I felt they to young but this year they have
Had over 3 strep throat.

Now we watching Christmas movies and relaxing.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

[DnJ]

I also wonder if relatives long since passed are watching and what they think of my life, of my choices.

marina, I believe your Aunt is proud of you. She’s watching and she knows. Be proud of yourself dear girl, you’ve done very well.

DnJ

[marina7]

Journaling,

Nothing much on this end.

Went to my divorce group and kids group
on Monday's,

I was once that person that thought I
never need therapy or go to groups,

I of course would blame how we are raised
I am Spanish so we are raised we don't
go to therapy or get help.

So I also broke that stigma.
I can see now my kids,
And grandkids kids no longer be pass
Down.

I am raising my kids to know is ok to
not be ok, is ok to ask for help if we need help

And everything else that has been with my family
Drugs, kids having kids, sexual assault and abuse.

I got away from it when I was young. And I remember
Till this day looking back and saying I will not live
Like this. At 17 on my own never did drugs I never been
A drinker. Just wine at parties, and never liked to be
in clubs.

My aunt would say, you are a old soul. I just wanted
to read and fly kites and sit for hours and do Puzzles
At 10yrs old and still do.

Yesterday at church I reflected a lot. How now my
Thinking is alot more clearer.

I remember when bd happened that it felt like I downsized
House and everything that goes with LBS.
Now I see more clearer. It wasn't downsizing it is a
New beginning that God wanted me to start.

Yes times are hard. Bills are piling up. Christmas tree
is empty. Haven't had a decent meal till H invited
us over. But I have managed with 3 kids. And through all
This I know God is here with me.

This morning I open two beautiful gifts, they where my eyes.
Life is short I embrace every moment I can.

I pray that things will get better and I will take it
One day at a time.

[peacetoday]

Yup
therapy is a blessing
WE have to be grateful

keep working on yourself
you never know what blessings are getting ready to open for you-