Just keep swimming, I think I can, I think I can part2

[marina7]

Peacetoday,

Thank you for your advice is truly crazy to see them
Just leave literally everything. I mean memories.

I thought because W was a woman it would be difficult
But W has proven me wrong.
But I also know I can't imagine the dark place W is in.

Pax_luv

Thank you for passing by,
What I have learned is to avoid stress and chaos
I realized now from LBS eyes there are many miserable people
out here. We here are the few that I believe God has opened our
Eyes. Not sure yet Why but we are all here someway some how.

I now realize I only can control me and help my trio's.

Example, this happened yesterday
I was driving about to get a small tress for us.
While 5min to 10min on road car started smoking
Overheated.
Trio's panic but s10 was different.
S10 started crying and saying
Why God why does everything happens to the good mom
Why God why us.
I realized I couldn't show also I was worried I immediately pulled
Over took s10 hands said.
S10 look at me is not God fault things happens, it just happens
the most important thing is we are ok, s9,d10 and s10 are you
Ok,
S10 yes mommy I am scared.
M I know s10, but do you trust me
S10 yes mommy
M ok s10 first thing first remember not God fault I think
God sometimes test us to see.
S10 ok
M but most importantly we ok we going get home and then
We be ok
I drove us safe. Got home called my old mechanic explained
And also said at the moment I have no money but I will pay as soon I can
Mechanic said ok I'll be there Tomorrow

I look at trio's and said you see all fix. Trio's huddle and we hug.
D10 mommy always fixes everything.


Yesterday I wanted to have a breakdown but right now I can't
Do I also ask myself how am I doing it. I do ask myself that.
But I know I have some guardians Angel's watching us.

So I am in Illinois yelp blizzard happening but thanks to mechanic
Blizzard and all he stop by it was a broken holes he fix and car good.
He really helped us I owe him.

DnJ
Yes everyone advice herr is like Winning the lottery
I am not sure how I would do it if I didn't find this site.
It was by the grace of God.

Nerve wrecking is not even enough. My life is in GAL
Hands. Is scary to let a stranger be in charge of kids life.
But I know this must happen.

There's no other way.
Is nothing against W I must protect trio's for now till they
Old enough.

So as I was getting Xmas decorating I seen some of W
Things. Before I met W. Some of W culture items and clothes
I nicely folded and set in a box. Today I wanted to test W a little to see
How W can handle when I clean shed out. At drop off I said W
I have a box of your things.
W headlights eyes open.
W what you mean
M I have some things of your things
W no no no what do you mean
M W your things just a box
W what is it M tell me
M w your things you want it I promise
W grab it and started going through it,
Blizzard and all. I stood there watching from the car
Just at all W was going through every piece.

I rowed my window, W are you ok
Just stared at me. I drove slowly and W going through a box
It was crazy seeing W this way.
D10 said mom acting like you put a bomb in there.
I just stood quiet, and while driving look over and still
Going through things.

I drove quietly so many thoughts going through my mind.
And now I am not sure W could handle more items giving to her.

There's so many things running through my head
Also emotions seeing W this way.

I again will take any advice on this. Again Thank you

[peacetoday]

I don't understand really what happens to the person In MLC

We see general things like Affair, drugs, alcohol, spending, depression, abandonment of family and friends
new clothes, tattoos, new cars....

But what happens to then?

whay would your w be standing there in blizzard going through things?
Do they lose their memory for a while and forget who we were/are
Im not sure- My guess is they go into some mental illness crises and few seem to come out and make a full recovery-

Im Glad your car got fixed
and yes angels are and will watch you-
you are special and a wonderful mother-
Good will come to you

[marina7]

Peacetoday,

Thank you again,

Yelp not sure what happens to them.
I would love to see W brain in MRI

I swear I said this to therapist and bf

Before bd we where ok, we all got really sick
Trio's had Flu A and I W had flu B
I have said something went haywire in W brain. I swear

I hope I don't sound like am making excuses but
It all happened so fast I now try to pin point.

Yesterday was interesting but as you say Peace we will
Never know.

[peacetoday]

yes..probably best to just let it go
wish them the best and highest good and focus on ourselves-

[neffer]

M, live the present. Enjoy Trio´s and move forward. I know is easy to say...but you MUST do that

Stay strong (((M)))

[marina7]

Peacetoday amd Neffer,

Yes letting go.
Is the last thing I have to do
And I am. Usually I would cave to W
Or I am the nice person. Yes W

Not sure what happened the last couple of weeks
But I am done with W bs, manipulating us and kids

So W wanted kids to go to therapist W recommend
I never said yes or no I just listen. Again W biggest issue
is control.

So I received a text stating.
W Appointment for d10 and s9 time and location
M what is this about
W you said yes for them to start counseling I want
them to go.
M W I never said yes or no, why do you want kids to go
to this counselor is there a reason.
W silence

So I called the counselor that s10 is going, we talk
Counselor wasn't aware of s9 and d10 in therapy over the
Last year. Also counselor thought the same thing why change
them if they been there for over a yr and doing great emotionality
And mentally they doing what I do.

We take things a day at a time.

So I reached out to W again.
I spoke with counselor, we agree kids are good
Where there at. If there's any other reason why you want them
To go please let me know. But for now they staying there
And you also are welcome to join them.

W silence.

So here I am waiting on Guadian ad litem decision
W wants to change kids therapist without any good reason

I also know I can't control W reasons and thoughts.

But I can see W trying once again to control everything.

My therapist said good for me for standing up for my kids
And speaking up, and standing my grounds for the Trios.

Besides this we been good. Taking things a day at a time.

My car got fix thank you God is my only thing I have.
We set up some decorations, not sure if I can afford gift
Or tress for trio's but I must say they are amazing kids.

S9 draw a tree and said this can be our tree.

I must say this experience have made me realize alot.
And appreciate so much. I once had it all. Once a 7ft tree
Beautiful took me hours to decorate, now I sit here with
A paper drawing tree. Wow how life can change over night.

But am grateful to see another day.

[marina7]

Journaling,

Nothing much in this front,

Quiet, usually before the storm is quiet,
Now that's the scary thing not knowing.

A little sad, today. Why

Memories, how memories creep up on us
How memories can just remind me the amazing days,
W smiles and happiness.

A memory came up on FB. Oh FB I love you and hate you lol

This memory was Us, W and I in a school trip with s9 pre k
It was his pre k trip. W was tickling him, and giving s9 kisses
Also s9 was scared of touching the fish. I hear W say s9 mommy is right here
Mommy will hold your hand too. You see W grab s9 little hands and holds with
W while they touch the fish, W smiles over at me while am recording and says
I love you. Literally catch this on video.
Then W says to s9 you see it wasn't that bad.
S9 was s4 then. Wow how time flies and times change.

What happened, to W
I know I must not focus on the past but with holidays coming up this is hard
I see my family again away from W another year without W or being a once
Happy family.

Is also weird while I seen memories, S9 also woke up saying I had a dream
Of mom. Remember s9 is the family baby. S9 was very close to W he use to
Call her mommy. Now since all this happened W is just mom

S9 crawled in bed and explained his dream I listened and said are you ok.
S9 yeah. How you feeling s9 a little sad. I said s9 is ok to miss mommy you
Know that right. S9 started sobbing hard and I just held him for a good 15min
And humming a song and saying is going be ok s9. Is ok to cry and be sad.
S9 squeezes me and big tears coming down.

Times like this I just don't understand and will never. And also ask myself
Is W in MLC crisis or simply a WAW. But does it really Matter anymore.

I know this feeling will pass for me and the kids. I know is just the holidays that
Is hard now. This shall pass. And next year qe will be stronger.

[peacetoday]

Hi Marina

When I feel sad--
I just practice noticing it and allowing myself to feel
It may be grief especially since you saw a video reminding you of how things were-

sometimes I don't want to feel that painful stuff but as I do it pushes me forward to new growth
acceptance forgiveness

I love the way you accept your situation and grow from it
Its clear that all the kids need is you and they know it too
A paper tree- its enough too


I do glad your stood up to W-
You are letting her go so you no longer care what she does-
The M is over-you are moving on

Keep growing and being there to your kids as you are and I would bet to see more doors opening for you
Gods doors will open for your best-

[Bo562]

PT,

“When I feel sad...” I think about a quote from ‘How I Met Your Mother’:

“When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead.”

This is a recurring reminder on my phone every morning. I just need to keep acknowledging it and working at that.

[marina7]

Peacetoday,

Thank you again for always your wise words

Acceptance and forgiveness
That I did months ago I needed to forgive
Myself then W so I could start the healing.

I must say I have better days then bad ones
Compared to a year ago.

One day at a time is what I tell myself everyday.

Bo,

Thank yoy for stopping by and reading my post
Yes usually I think the opposite of everything.

Thank you again