She also mentioned she felt pressured by her family to enter into marriage, but again, it’s another cop out. She’s even resorting to throwing her family under the bus. To summarize, she isn’t capable of living away from her family. We got engaged then the only family she had in our town moved back home.
Interesting... I think it is possible to feel pressurised by family. In my sitch W was living with her parents when we met, then W and I lived together for 10 years. I've heard that at that point MIL told her to get married to me or find someone else. MIL was very keen for W (only child) to give her grandchildren. I've found out that the day before our wedding MIL went looking for baby clothes. We had 2 kids over a period of 10 years and then W and IL plotted to leave over a period of 5 years. W left 25 years to the month (could have been to the day) that we met. W cared more for her parents than for me, and she cared what they thought of her.
She also mentioned she felt pressured by her family to enter into marriage, but again, it’s another cop out. She’s even resorting to throwing her family under the bus. To summarize, she isn’t capable of living away from her family. We got engaged then the only family she had in our town moved back home.
Interesting... I think it is possible to feel pressurised by family. In my sitch W was living with her parents when we met, then W and I lived together for 10 years. I've heard that at that point MIL told her to get married to me or find someone else. MIL was very keen for W (only child) to give her grandchildren. I've found out that the day before our wedding MIL went looking for baby clothes. We had 2 kids over a period of 10 years and then W and IL plotted to leave over a period of 5 years. W left 25 years to the month (could have been to the day) that we met. W cared more for her parents than for me, and she cared what they thought of her.
Man, that's rough, David. I think when it comes down to it, there was nothing I could have done in my sitch. My W never put me first, and was always family first. Her Dad is a narcissist and is extremely manipulative, and I have no doubt he wanted all of his kids to live on his property. I made it clear that I would be open to moving to their state, but there is no way I would have ever lived on their property or even in the same town based on what I have seen.
Our sitchs are simliar considering the IL meddling, and that's a shame. It's kind of eye opening for me to catch the little signs of dysfunctions after the fact, but that doesn't change the fact that I loved my W and could make it work by relying on each other.
Just need to work on what I can, and move forward with finding happiness in myself. All of my buddies tell me to go find a woman to meet, but I don't need that right now. Still need to process the abandonement and lack of trust I will have moving forward.
I have just caught up on your sitch. I am sorry that you have gone through, and are still going through, this but you sound like you have been using the time wisely and working on yourself.
It is OK to feel shocked - even after ten months of virtually no contact. We prepare for it mentally and emotionally, but when it hits, all that preparing amounts to not a lot. But the pain and shock won't last as long.
I would ask you to try and forgive your wife. You have all the tools to successfully move on with your life. But, try and look back at her lovingly (but without the rose tinted glasses we all wear when they leave us). Once you can look back without regret and without blame (forgive yourself too) then you know you have moved on.
I have just caught up on your sitch. I am sorry that you have gone through, and are still going through, this but you sound like you have been using the time wisely and working on yourself.
It is OK to feel shocked - even after ten months of virtually no contact. We prepare for it mentally and emotionally, but when it hits, all that preparing amounts to not a lot. But the pain and shock won't last as long.
I would ask you to try and forgive your wife. You have all the tools to successfully move on with your life. But, try and look back at her lovingly (but without the rose tinted glasses we all wear when they leave us). Once you can look back without regret and without blame (forgive yourself too) then you know you have moved on.
FS
Thanks, FS. I literally have to forgive my wife and her family everyday. It’s the only way for me to not get bitter.
Woke up this morning and am doing extremely well. Didn’t expect that. I think knowing the limbo is coming to an end helps. I’m still sad my wife wasn’t willing to put in the work. At the same time, I’m given another chance to find my life partner (not focused on this now and won’t be for a while). The W I fell in love with is long gone, and as many told me months ago, I was dodging a bullet. Doesn’t make it any easier obviously. I know what I need to be better at in my next M if that’s in the cards. The biggest thing I need to work on is forgiving myself for my own shortcomings in my M. It’s harder for me to forgive myself than my wife, which is an issue I’m addressing in IC.
After forgiveness comes self love. Once you recognize your shortcomings and forgive yourself for them, then you can begin to see yourself as amoafwl. If you can't forgive yourself then you bring that lack of self worth to your next relationship. Like I said, you have the right tools, and you have the right mindset. I think you're going to be fine.
Thanks, FS. That’s a great point. I have a ways to go to love myself. That’s what I need to work on. I haven’t been myself the last two years. With my health issues I haven’t gotten to the gym in a couple of years. I need to go regardless of the pain.
Had an awesome time last night with a bunch of friends for a Friendsgiving. I was the 13th wheel essentially, but it was fine. A lot of them know my story and told me I dodged a bullet, which I truly believe, but at the same time, I miss what could have been.
I have a call with an attorney on Monday. My wife isn’t fighting to split assets or anything, so everything should happen quickly. Part of me wants to reach out to her dad to confront him on his sins for meddling in our marriage and separating my wife from me. I also want to bring my wife’s sins to her current pastor. Not to get her back, as I don’t see this making a difference, but more so for my own conscious to say I tried everything. Part of me doesn’t even want to put in the work to lift a finger, as I know it won’t make a difference. Think after 10 months of hardly any communication and the fact that she is spreading lies about me I’m just emotionally drained and done.
Can’t believe I’m a month or two away from divorce. I know life will go on, but the way this has happened leaves me feeling I can’t trust anyone. Assuming I don’t contact my wife is she doesn’t contact me still, right? If that’s the case, I don’t know if I will ever hear from her again.
I haven’t been myself the last two years. With my health issues I haven’t gotten to the gym in a couple of years. I need to go regardless of the pain.
Maybe book in a couple of personal training sessions to start ... they can be expensive but you only need a couple. This has a number of advantages, they will tell you what things you should be doing to meet your personal goals and how often, how to use the various pieces of equipment and not feel like a complete [censored] (if you're a complete newbie like me) and the very act of having someone waiting for you at a particular date and time means you are that little bit more motivated to go.
Originally Posted by FFHubby
Had an awesome time last night with a bunch of friends for a Friendsgiving. I was the 13th wheel essentially, but it was fine.
Brilliant. Do more of this. It doesn't matter if you're a third or thirteen wheel. As long as you have fun and it gets you out of your head.
Originally Posted by FFHubby
Part of me wants to reach out to her dad to confront him on his sins for meddling in our marriage and separating my wife from me.
do not do this ^^^^
Originally Posted by FFHubby
I also want to bring my wife’s sins to her current pastor. Not to get her back, as I don’t see this making a difference, but more so for my own conscious to say I tried everything. Part of me doesn’t even want to put in the work to lift a finger, as I know it won’t make a difference. Think after 10 months of hardly any communication and the fact that she is spreading lies about me I’m just emotionally drained and done.
or this ^^^
You are right, neither of this will make any difference. It will only alienate her more and it will not alleviate your conscience. Contacting her dad will only make you feel better - it will not make things better. Contacting your pastor make her feel like you are rallying the troops against her.
Originally Posted by FFHubby
I know life will go on, but the way this has happened leaves me feeling I can’t trust anyone. Assuming I don’t contact my wife is she doesn’t contact me still, right? If that’s the case, I don’t know if I will ever hear from her again.
Trust in any future relationship is going to be a hard. One of the reasons [I] find hard to trust people is there is a part of me that thinks I am not worth loving. This is my H's doing. I have spent the last however months trying to reprogramme myself from his brainwashing. I think it probably gets easier the more you GAL because GAL'g builds self worth.
Re that last bit - yes, I, and I suspect everyone who goes through the detachment process worries about this. Trust the process. We either get to the other side stronger without our other halves, or stronger with our R intact.
Just journaling a bit. I knew this Thanksgiving holiday would be tough for me, regardless of having my family around me. I was correct.
Seeing two married siblings with kids of their own was tough, but I am thankful to have such great people in my life. Honestly, I don't struggle with missing my wife too much. Maybe a little bit, but it's more of what could have been. What I have been having a really hard time with is the self blame. I can't get over it. I talk to friends, family, my counselor and my pastor, and they all said I was dealt a bad hand, which I understand, but I can't help my mind from going back to what I could have changed in my marriage. To be more emotionally available for my wife when I was struggling so bad with my surgeries and depression. I focus on taking her for granted, but I am told it happens in marriage on both sides from time to time. Then I accept that and focus on her accusing me of emotional abuse. Again, this is nixed by people on the outside, but I continue to research if I am abusive, which clearly shows I am not. I have been told my whole life I have such a caring heart. Why is one person's lies able to cause me so much internal damage?!
Deep down I know I am nothing that my wife said, but I could have done better in our marriage. Why the heck do I keep focusing on what I could have changed. Apparantly this was a common theme for me my entire life. I think it goes back to having a perfectionist father that never verbally affirmed me when I succeeded. AIl I ever heard was about my shortcomings. Not making straight As,etc. I see how this came into my marriage, as I tried to show my wife love through physical touch when she just wanted to be affirmed and validated. I was more critical of shortcomings than understanding.That's on me and can be changed.
Does anyone have any insight on what the heck is going on in my mind? I have no doubt thtat things will be easier once the divorce is final, so maybe I need to give myself some credit for being so strong in not contacting my wife and trying to hold myself together. I'm obviously still in the throes of this ordeal. The only thing I focus on related to my marriage is the fact that my wife will end up with someone else. She is beautful on the outside, but rotten on the inside. Obviously I have some issues with putting physical attraction too high on my priority list.
Still have a ways to go, but I know I will find my groove eventually. Feels good to write this out, and one day I will look forward to coming back to this forum to read my posts, only to realize it was all part of a tough part of my life, but I am assured that I will realize it doesn't even affect me anymore. Not sure how much more I will post about my situation outside of how I am dealing with things (nothing about a potential reconciliation). I think it's about time to start contributing to others on this forum. Now that there is no hope I think I can provide others with some encouragement, while also seeking some therapy by helping others. Looking forward to helping in any way that I can.
Much love to all of you, and I hope everyone has a great rest of the Thanksgiving weekend with those that you love, and more importantly, those that love you back.
Man, a lot of what your wrote could have been written by me. Just keep continuing on self-improvement, and making those permanent. I know I'll have a tremendous life without my STBXW.
I remember reading your first post, but I haven’t caught up yet. I’ll catch up and will be following your sitch to provide some encouragement to you, brother.
