Yes I do realize everyone IRL that has watched me during this transition has my best interests at heart and doesn’t want to see me go though what I’ve been through again. That’s why I grateful to have this community to get sound advice.
Along with holidays, I failed to mention S’s birthday is also coming up in December.
I know I will tread carefully, but when W initially left, she said she wanted to continue to do these as a family. I’m of the opinion that is cake eating....and having separate holiday/birthday celebrations are a part of D. I know others have different thoughts on how to handle these...but at my S age I don’t want to give any confusion or false hope.
We have only done 1 event as a family since BD when it was still fresh...and I got twisted up myself. Maybe being open minded to doing one of these is what I need to do to be a bit more available.
Marathon not a sprint...won’t change up my DB approach and try to force anything.
GAL activities include 7 mile run, gym, group meeting, dinner in the city.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
I know I will tread carefully, but when W initially left, she said she wanted to continue to do these as a family. I’m of the opinion that is cake eating....and having separate holiday/birthday celebrations are a part of D. I know others have different thoughts on how to handle these...but at my S age I don’t want to give any confusion or false hope.
Are you sure you are not trying to use that as leverage for her not to D you? Getting together a couple times a year will not confuse your son.
Not a whole lot of change on my sitch. W continues to sniff around the edges and reaching out on stuff that is not essential or she already knows. Another week and radio silence from her attorney. I continue DB’ing my A$$ off.
One interesting thing I learned was W’s long time BF that lives in Europe filed for D around same time my W filed. Not that one has to do with the other...just crazy how D seems to be the latest “trend” in a lot of W social circle. Oh well...can’t control or concern myself about it.
Have S this weekend and last night he had another breakdown asking why we all couldn’t live together. This was prompted by him finding the last professional photo we took as a family roughly a year ago that I recently took out of its frame and had placed inside a side table in MBR. I plan to make an effort this week to gather remaining family pics and box them up so they will be out of site.
Plan GAL activities around son after gym. Plan to do Santa visit today....earliest I’ve ever done to try and get a leg up on Xmas shopping planning. Also to try and establish new memories for S and I. Play date also planned for late afternoon at a trampoline park so kids can get energy burned. (Our first snowfall came and it’s freezing!). Then movie/pizza night..watching latest marvel film.
Tomorrow GAL include church and brunch with friends/gym/then doing complex Lego build project with S.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Starting to embrace being a single dad. Kept S and I busy all day yesterday.
I trimmed up S hair (always do myself) so we’d look awesome in our photo shot w/Santa.
Did the Santa exhibit and while there, received a lot of compliments from mothers (many single it appeared) on how S and I had our outfits close to matching. I decided that I will use as a Xmas card...which will be first time in 12 years.
Keeping S in the now all day helped him from getting into the doldrums. Need to keep at it.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
The daily reflection I read daily was resounding regarding my sitch: Non-attachment doesn’t mean that you get rid of your spouse. It means you free yourself from wrong views about yourself and your spouse. Then you find that there is love there, but it’s not attached. It’s not distorting, clinging, and grasping. The empty mind is quite capable of caring about others and loving in the pure sense of love. But any attachment will distort that.
Journaling:
W continues to sniff around edges, but took it up a notch today. Called me today (completely a change from new norm) after she picked up S from school and asked if they could come over to pick up some hot wheels for S....(Hot wheels??). S has an arsenal of cars at her place. Just said I had GAL plans and wouldn’t be home. W then asked about my plans and how I was doing. After attempt to stop by tonight fell through W then says she left her heaviest cost at house and wants to pick up tomorrow...but makes a point to see and ensure if I could be there.
My walls are up at max capacity.
Question - Without projecting her possible intentions, any suggestions on what I need to look out for? I maintain no expectations...
On a bright note...GAL included men’s group, 7 mile run, gym to lift. Also met with IC and she said I looked like I was in my mid twenties now...was nice to hear.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Received another note from S teacher regarding his behavior that both W and I were copied on. Turns out he fell apart and cried on 3 separate occasions yesterday. W promptly responded saying she would ask S about the “incidents” and then replied that he was upset about missing a mathematical lesson cartoon while he was getting extra help with some spelling words...
S’s teacher replied making the statement that she was surprised that missing a show was his concern and had many other thoughts as to what might be troubling him. I let this response set with me for a half hour so I wouldn’t react to harshly...as yesterday while taking S to school he tells me he is afraid to talk anymore and wants to be shy since W and I live in 2 different houses. (S use to be boisterous and full of life pre BD).
I then replied back including W that S’s behavior wasn’t anything regarding school...but his life circumstances..and I refused to sugarcoat it and make random excuses like W continues to do.
I feel as S is in a dark space and my efforts to be his rock has been sound...but fear what he gets told while with W.
I continue to keep w and I sitch separate from being a father to S...but I’m struggling how to navigate this. S has lost all semblance of innocence he once had.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
I would highly suggest you get him with a good child counselor. This is all too much for him to deal with on his own, and likely he is past trusting you and his mom on any of this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We had s see an IC back in May. W had chosen therapist without my consent and when I went in to do my consult, it was abundantly clear that therapist had a preconceived opinion of me before I ever had a chance to talk. I informed that I wasn’t comfortable with the IC and told her I wouldn’t continue to support taking s to her. W refused and continued sessions with s....and 7 months later....s has regressed further.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
So my Attorney reached out yesterday for first time in 3 weeks. He requested that I review the decree that I asked him to move forward with so he could present to W counsel. I’m struggling mightily in having him proceed. I know his purpose is to facilitate and protect my interests, but fear that could stomp out the vibes I’ve been getting from W of late. I hate the attorneys only complicate things and create another buffer in navigating. I’m going to tell him to ease back and let Thanksgiving week go by. The objective originally was to try to push to complete by close of 2018, but that won’t happen now. I guess a form of cake eating from my end is I’m getting some dental work completed while I’m still on her health plan so that’s a plus.
W has continued to reach out via methods that she hadn’t for months with calling me and asking to come over for various items. Next week S is off school entire week so we will have FTF interactions on at least 3 occasions. Several other events including both my s and my birthday come in the next couple of weeks. This morning S also asked me if mommy and I get back together if he could have all his legos in one house ....out of the blue.
I do feel I am in a vulnerable position right now. I have become outcome independent and know I will be ok if D gets completed. Yet I also look at my W after all that’s been said and done over last 8 months...and still have love for her...it makes me sound crazy... I still love the idea of being an intact family. I have a growing urge to try and lay out my thoughts to w.....but also know that pursuit would be fatal to have any chance at considering R at this stage. I mention this on this forum as my thoughts are just that. I do question if at this point I’ve become centered enough and detached enough that it’s something I lay out as I know I’m finally on a clock...
At a crossroads at what I do next?
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Weekend has been busy. GAL activities included 7 mile run, Saturday morning men’s group, IC appt, and dinner with friend.
Today did church, plan to clean house and remove all marital pictures, gym, then watch some NFL.
IC senses W is completely lost and scared since I’ve gotten my alpha back and has absolutely no more control over me. IC also believes W is now regretting her actions and doesn’t know how to react to all the changes I’ve made in such a short timeframe and believes she is finally realizing what she’s losing. Advised it was critical I really take it one day at a time now. Showed IC pic of me from March vs now...I’m literally 2/3rd of what I use to be...and feel great at 170lbs.
On Friday W tried to manipulate parenting schedule to favor her. I held my grounds to maintain our planned schedule. W then tried to persist in placing S in middle again as a pawn about seeing her extended family. I replied that S and I deserve so much better then her garbage she’s continued to pull and my family is just as important etc. I then advised S was walking on the eggshells I did the last 3 yrs and it needed stop. W replied and acknowledged her behavior and agreed she was in the wrong...(1st time she’s apologized in 8 months)
My days continues to be better....many more good ones vs bad. I still think about W often...but I now have the tools to set those to the back-burner.
This week plan to start meditating and feel good in my solitude.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
