Good to hear from you again! It sounds like you are doing well. Like PsySara says make sure to take some time for yourself. Obviously you want to be a great mom and spend as much time with your daughter as you can, but to be the best mom you can be, you need to take care of yourself, recharge your batteries, do some fun adult things.
Your husband is still living far away right, in another city? Why is he calling you for financial advice? I would shut that down myself. That's on him at this point. Let him lead his life and fail on his own if that is what it comes to.
Stay in touch!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hi Nicole, it's good that your H is sniffing and asking your opinion. All you can do is to continue to do all that you can. That sounds dumb I think, but you can't worry too much. And I hate to be DB cliche but these situations take a long time to sort out, so the best thing you can do is to not worry about what you can't control.
How was he acting at breakfast and while they were setting up the tree?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi PsySara, thanks for your input! It's reassuring to know my daughter can eat ice cream for dinner every so often because as much as I cook, every so often she refuses to eat. I give up sometimes and give her ice cream. She's happy but I always feel terrible about it. If it were an option for my husband to take my daughter for a week I'd consider it now that she's getting closer to five years old. I don't think it'll work any time soon though (he's 1,000 miles away for one thing). I'm trying to simply say no more often to activities and social gatherings but as I noted in a previous post, a few friends and family members became offended that I'm busy. I don't know what I can do about that. They have no way to understand what it's like to be in this position.
PsySara I believe what you're saying about paving the way back. I made it easy the first time but then I made a lot of mistakes once he came back that pushed him away further. I think he's probably sure it'd be the same situation again if he came back again. I'd like to envision what it could be like the second time but it's hard. I don't know if coming back has ever been on his mind. I don't know if it's premature to think about it as a future prospect? I'll share an update about today in a minute though.
Hi Davide, what you say is true. I've spent so, so much money lately on babysitters for school closures that I honestly don't have the means to do much in terms of going out but I'll try. I think I'll be happy though to do less social stuff for a while as a means of recharging (and probably saving money too). Or, if anything, I'd like to have a housekeeper again as I once did. I guess we each have our own dreams about how to recharge! For me having someone else clean is probably the greatest help. And yes, my husband is still in another city. I think he calls sometimes when something's wrong as kind of an auto-response. I wasn't able to help much the last time but then I had a financial issue recently and he was honestly supportive and helpful. I haven't gone out-of-my-way to help when he calls but I don't hang up on him or anything. I listen and try to show kindness but that's about all.
I do want to mention that today went well with my husband's visit. We walked to a restaurant together each holding one of our daughter's hands. We were relaxed at the restaurant and we enjoyed our time. When we came back my husband took our daughter to get a (fake) Christmas tree and he helped her set it up and decorate it. Then he stayed here while I took my daughter to a party and he washed his own dishes and sent me money to buy some German pans he said would be good. I had a bad sore throat later in the afternoon and I wanted to lay down so my husband took our daughter out. As they left he said "I won't be late, give me a call if you need anything." This is the same statement he's used every time he's gone out ever since I met him. Everything felt normal, like we were a family again. Then he left for the airport without much in terms of a goodbye but he called from the airport and we conversed a bit.
Over the past six months I've said I'm sorry several times for things that I've done wrong in the marriage. Each time my husband has said it's ok and he's not upset. There's no apology from him or any sign of wanting to reconcile but no sign of divorce either.
Last week my husband talked about taking us to an amusement park this weekend and his brother's family would join us. It didn't happen but he obviously thought it'd be fun. He says he'll come on Christmas morning and stay for five days (although probably sleep at his family's house I imagine).
I've said a few times that I believe this Thanksgiving will be revealing because it's my husband's favorite holiday with a lot of great memories. He's not going to be here but we'll see if he calls or seems to show any emotion.
As I keep mentioning I feel I have to confront my husband in some way or another at some point in the next year if he doesn't do it first. I identified a psychiatrist friend of ours from my husband's home country who I feel will be the best one to advise me on how to go about this although I haven't reached out just yet.
I hope someday there is news to share here. I'd still love to reconcile with my husband if it were ever a real option (not just him coming home and acting the same way but actually working towards rebuilding our lives together). My husband might well be in another relationship right now (or multiple ones) but I'd like to think those relationships fail and he gets burned out he might someday appreciate what we once had.
It sounds like you are doing the best you can in your (tough) situation. I hear you about the cleaning! I bought one of those robot vacuum cleaners just to take care of all the hair my dog sheds throughout the house.
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I've said a few times that I believe this Thanksgiving will be revealing because it's my husband's favorite holiday with a lot of great memories. He's not going to be here but we'll see if he calls or seems to show any emotion.
I would be careful with this. One of the rules of DB is not to put any expectations on things. Don't build this up in your mind, and don't read into what he does or doesn't do.
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As I keep mentioning I feel I have to confront my husband in some way or another at some point in the next year if he doesn't do it first. I identified a psychiatrist friend of ours from my husband's home country who I feel will be the best one to advise me on how to go about this although I haven't reached out just yet.
What do you mean by confronting him? Do you mean pushing for resolution of the sitch? In my mind that is akin to moving forward with D. Are you ready for that?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Been a while since I've seen you Nic. Having caught up on my reading I'll say for far it hasn't worked out with the guy from work but who knows what the future will bring. I'm also with you on how overwhelming things are with work /kids/ upkeep/ errands and to top that GAL. What works with me is getting to the gym early (5am) so this becomes my gift to me everyday. I'll tell you with this new job -it has become a little harder but we must persevere. I am with you in that we must take our energy and focus on what is best for the kids and i think you have done that. Sending you and your daughter (((HUGS))).
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Hi Nicole, good to see that you are doing fine. Your limbo has lasted for so long, and your H continues to send these mixed signals. Either way the MR goes, it is time he owns up and takes some responsibility for the upbringing of your D. I understand it will be hard to stay away from her, believe me, I live that misery, but for your own sanity and for her overall well being it is important to have a stable father in her life. I do hope he meant that he will be moving somewhere close enough to actually spend some more time with his D. Well until he gets his head back on his shoulders, you continue being the rock star mom you are. (((Nicole)))
Thanks Davide, LoneWlf, and Sia for your kind words. Davide - I don't know what a confrontation would entail but now we've been separated for 14 months without any plan for reconciling or divorcing. I feel at some point there needs to be at least a conversation about what we're going to do. Lonewlf I'll see if the guy from work wants to meet when he's back here again or when I go to his home country. Sia, there's no update regarding my husband moving here or taking on more responsibility but he has been paying for everything I've asked him to pay related to our daughter. He says he's coming on Christmas morning and he'll stay for five days so we'll see if that happens.
All, I didn't hear from my husband at all on Thanksgiving aside from a text asking if he should order something for our daughter on Black Friday. It was such a depressing day visiting my family and having them all ask where my husband is. Then the day after Thanksgiving I get a text from my husband at almost midnight saying "Hi. Are you still awake?" I was sleeping at the time so I didn't respond and he didn't ask or say anything the next day. It doesn't seem like he was texting about something related to our daughter because normally he'd just come out and say what it is. I wish I'd been awake because it would have been interesting to see what he had to say.
Nicole, your H still seems to be lost deep in the fog and you are doing all you can. I know its especially hard during the holidays. What kind of a father thinks his duty is to buy something on black friday for his D and not actually spend the time with her? Anyway its his burden to carry. Lots of love and hugs to you and your D.
After 14 months your family still doesn't know about your sitch? I can only imagine how hard it would be to keep up that facade after so long.
I'm sorry that your H is still so out of it. But, let that text go. Our mind's tendency is to read into those things, but we know how fruitless that is.
Give yourself and your D a big hug from me as well!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
