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A Message from Michele
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Coda #2822016
11/14/18 10:51 AM
11/14/18 10:51 AM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
B
ballast Offline OP
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ballast  Offline OP
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B
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Posts: 766
Link to my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2810939&page=11

Coda seems appropriate as I believe within the span of this thread divorce between my W and I seems likely. My sig lays out my specifics. My sitch is pretty meh, W left early this year and has basically ghosted me since. I would have liked the opportunity to have had a chance to save my MR and give you all a much better "she said, so I did/said experience", but nope just didn't happen in my case. Even without that there's a ton of knowledge from many vets tucked away within my threads that many will find useful. It sounds um anti-climatic? ya know the whole boy DID NOT get the girl deal, but I at least I established the foundation to save myself within these words. There's a sermon online where the preacher talks about "you can make it on broken pieces", that's me these days. Kind of always amazing to create a new thread, wondering how "you" are still here, a degree of rejection in the reality of still being on your journey, BUT ironically optimism in what more you can/will learn with it's creation...off we go...

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822029
11/14/18 01:51 PM
11/14/18 01:51 PM
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Posts: 2,075
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neffer Offline
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Your jouney is yours B. But you are not alone.

(((B)))


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822055
11/14/18 03:15 PM
11/14/18 03:15 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
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Davide Offline
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Keep focusing on that optimism and the vastness of the possibilities in front of you Ballast!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822768
11/19/18 11:35 AM
11/19/18 11:35 AM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
B
ballast Offline OP
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ballast  Offline OP
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B
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
just a quick update...saw W again at handoff of D yesterday...same ol, same ol...no talk, no eye contact and gone in a flash. at first i thought it was anger/resentment, but now coming around to the more shame/guilt idea. i have no idea what she's done exactly, but gut has always told me she's done something. believe she had an OM in some fashion while we were married and then did the BD/separation to get free to pursue it and claim "oh we were separated" when i met him. very important for her to "keep up appearances" lest she appear to be a bad person. anyway my time with D was wonderful as always. the most amazing part of my life these days is how quickly my D is growing up and how fast she is learning. let my W do her thing, my relationship with D...now that's the good stuff right there!

also my spidey sense has me feeling like W is stalling on the D process. she has been h8ll bent on it from the beginning, but it just seems like it's slowed. i know the process is annoying to her and not going as she expected. also i told her emotionless i'm trying to get us done asap as per her request. could be many other things going on of course, i don't know, don't care, but gut feel is that the "PUSH" is not as pushy. lol.

had another good meetup with IC. she continues to be fascinated by W. we've been working on "my picker", investigating why/how i choose who i do as far as ladies to date. i think we both believe i go in with rose colored glasses that are too thick, although with my W we agree there is no way i could have foreseen initially where my W is now. i question my IC alot, by that i mean i still have a very hard time believing my W needs help to address some of her issues, also i question my IC about "hey are you just telling me what I want to hear and taking my side"...she emphatically states that she is not just telling me what i want to hear. bottom line it's helpful speaking with her even though she gives me ZERO hope that W will ever be mentally able to do the work necessary to R or even regret or show remorse for what's happened. perhaps due to time/my own realizations, I'm at peace with that. as i've said before i'd be in WAY more uncharted territory if W ever did come back around. the more i've read/reflected the less i believe piecing/R with W would be possible. that truly seems more difficult than my present status. i just don't think that if there was OM we could get back. i don't think W could do it and as i've said before if i'm not last in her heart and given what i've experienced, painful, but best to move on. i'm happy to be free of my feelings for her presently, if she came back i'd have to confront them...jury is still out i know if i had to.

won't see D until after the holiday this week, that's why when we're together i load up on memories/good times to see me through. head down GAL'ing, at the gym and lots of good time with family/friends upcoming.

it may be hard for myself and many of us to feel thankful given our sitches this week. i pray we all even through the adversities we presently find ourselves in can yet with God's grace recognize the many blessings we each still have. Through our recognition of those blessings may we find continued strength to see us through our difficult times.

-B


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822774
11/19/18 12:02 PM
11/19/18 12:02 PM
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LoneWlf Offline
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You nailed it B!! Count your blessings and focus on what is GOOD!! Leave all the negative behind!! My prayers are with you !


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822787
11/19/18 01:44 PM
11/19/18 01:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
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neffer Offline
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And what do you need to leave something behind? Move forward! You are doing better B. Keep the pace. I know its hard. But you are saving yourself. Be there for D3 and move forward.

Stay strong B!


WW H(me): 49
W: 45
T: 25 M: 20
S: 15
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822798
11/19/18 03:01 PM
11/19/18 03:01 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
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Davide Offline
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Quote
it may be hard for myself and many of us to feel thankful given our sitches this week. i pray we all even through the adversities we presently find ourselves in can yet with God's grace recognize the many blessings we each still have. Through our recognition of those blessings may we find continued strength to see us through our difficult times.


THIS!

I am decidedly not religious, but you are spot on about finding those things in our lives to grateful for, and finding the continued strength to keep up the struggle.

I, for one, am unbelievably grateful for the support and love in this community of anonymous "strangers."


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822822
11/19/18 04:31 PM
11/19/18 04:31 PM
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Posts: 2,502
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Accuray Offline
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Originally Posted by ballast
also my spidey sense has me feeling like W is stalling on the D process. she has been h8ll bent on it from the beginning, but it just seems like it's slowed. i know the process is annoying to her and not going as she expected. also i told her emotionless i'm trying to get us done asap as per her request. could be many other things going on of course, i don't know, don't care, but gut feel is that the "PUSH" is not as pushy. lol.


Going through a D process is a lot of administrative hell and obviously there are negative feelings associated with it. As you get into the thick of it, its normal to lose momentum, particularly if W is gaining the majority of whatever benefits she was seeking already. i.e. once the process is complete, how is her life better? If its not, there's really no motivation to push.

For instance, when my sister got divorced, her exH refused to move out of the marital home until the D was complete, and she really wanted him out. That gave her a lot of motivation to move things along and her exH leveraged that urgency to gain concessions.

Originally Posted by ballast
had another good meetup with IC. she continues to be fascinated by W. we've been working on "my picker", investigating why/how i choose who i do as far as ladies to date.


Working on your picker is the best thing I've read all month


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822853
11/19/18 06:14 PM
11/19/18 06:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,870
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Steve85 Offline
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Quote
also my spidey sense has me feeling like W is stalling on the D process. she has been h8ll bent on it from the beginning, but it just seems like it's slowed. i know the process is annoying to her and not going as she expected. also i told her emotionless i'm trying to get us done asap as per her request. could be many other things going on of course, i don't know, don't care, but gut feel is that the "PUSH" is not as pushy. lol.


The PUSH is usually them wanting you to do all the work. This is why as anti-DBers we always advocate letting them do all of the work. It is there idea. They want it. Let them do it

Sorry if I repeat myself to you, I've told this to many people, my W was gungho on getting a job, getting an apartment and getting a D. She'd found an online D site that guaranteed a quick, and easy D. When she mentioned it I said, "yeah, I don't think that is going to work with a kid involved." And that started to break her fantasy D bubble.

I was still snooping back then and saw she researched "Ding (in our state) with kids". 16 step process! Drawn out over a year and a half (and that is IF things when smoothly).

I then contacted a lawyer. I let her know that. Further bubble breaking.

All WWs fantasize about a quick and easy D. Mine was even willing to give up full custody of our D, not want any money and give me the house to get it! When I told her no, we were going to share custody, I'd pay support, she'd get half of everything, and that we were going to sell the house and split those proceeds, that further broke her bubble. And it made her feel guilty. (I remember the house discussion vividly! I told he we were going to sell it and split the equity. She said "no, I don't want you to sell. I want D to have the stability of her home." (She had these plans of family dinners together in the house, and keeping a key to help with things.) I looked her dead in the eye and said "I have to sell it to move on. This is OUR home and it would be a constant reminder. It wouldn't be fair for you to go off and start this new life but for me not to be able to do the same."

More than likely her PUSH has slowed because she realizes that it isn't going to be short, or easy. Reality always takes a bite out of a WW's plans.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Coda [Re: ballast] #2822918
11/19/18 09:45 PM
11/19/18 09:45 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 766
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ballast Offline OP
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Posts: 766
Acc...I would say that W's realization that while in her life with other people she may get her way, in a court of law regarding a D she won't get all of what she thinks. the picker conversation...I'm still way WAYWARD in my reluctance to talk about it. for a big part of me it's like breaking down my last high school football game 30 years later. yeah I know I need to improve, make better decisions but I d**n sure don't feel like I'll be "playing" again.

another girl friend at work today told me she wants to set me up...after enduring the emotional abuse I feel I'm working my way through, I just thankfully and most respectfully don't want to try again. lies, deceit, selfishness...pure EVIL. for sure I'll endure and get through this, but the conflict I have in me over ever trying again is much greater than whatever happens with me and W. my D was crying when I left her yesterday. I can mind movie all day about W doing anything she could think of with any man or woman and not trigger...but the tears in my D's eyes as I have to leave her

Steve, no apologies. The more you tell it, the more chance newer folks who come here will see it in their time of need.

Originally Posted by Steve85
When I told her no, we were going to share custody, I'd pay support, she'd get half of everything, and that we were going to sell the house and split those proceeds, that further broke her bubble. And it made her feel guilty. (I remember the house discussion vividly! I told he we were going to sell it and split the equity. She said "no, I don't want you to sell. I want D to have the stability of her home." I looked her dead in the eye and said "I have to sell it to move on. This is OUR home and it would be a constant reminder. It wouldn't be fair for you to go off and start this new life but for me not to be able to do the same."


Outwardly at least I don't think W cares, but I feel I will be deciding the same as you for the exact same reason. After "going in reverse" for several months then finally being able hit the brakes and shift my life back into forward gears I really want to keep picking up speed and this needs to be a part of it.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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