Runaway husband

[MamaB25]

Thank you Sansa! Your advice is very helpful and it does help to hear I’m not alone in going through pain like this. I do agree that my H is very confused !! He gives mixed messages.

He is away for his work training this week and when he called the kids lastnight his colleagues were shouting in the background “is that your wife !?” Not sure what that means (don’t know what he has told them about us possibly nothing) he had a huge smile on his face and quickly made an excuse to get off the phone. I took a big test this morning and he texted me at 7 am wishing me good luck.

I also feel like over the past month or so I can feel a release of the tension there was when BD. He seems more at ease around me and “coming around”. Friendlier not as guarded.

He filed in July but there will be no hearings until February. I feel like when I’m in this “limbo” state I simply can’t let go of hope of us working things out. My IC has offered to see if he will come along to one of my sessions (not for marriage counseling ) but just to communicate in front of a neutral party guiding us. I don’t know if this will make him run for the hills or if it’s a better option just to give him a time and date instead of asking him if he’s open to therapy. I just don’t know how to handle him and all the mixed messages. I feel head over heels in love with him and miss him so much it hurts.

Keeping busy with the kids. GAL does help. I feel happiness in knowing I am raising two babies by myself right now , running a household , exceeding in my career ,ect. Makes me very proud of myself. I don’t “need” a man to do this. I just cling to hope he will get the help he needs and change his mind


Just found out He is going to his coworkers wedding tonight apparently. I could cry thinking about it. I’m 99% sure he is going alone but it’s like there is going to be an elephant in the room and every is going to be talking about why I’m not there. I have a fear he is going to be drinking and meeting single women ughhhh this [censored]

[MamaB25]

Haven’t posted in a while...I’m losing hope badly. Things were going great for a while. Went trick or treating with the kids and it seemed like H was finally letting his guard down. He even was opening up more at the idea of marriage counseling saying he will ask about it or think about it as before it was a bold no.

I messed up and was bad at DBing. Sent endless emails confessing my love and hopes for reconciliation. Text messages. It just [censored] cuz I feel as if I have NO closure other than him telling me he was unhappy. A mutual friend found him on a dating site last week. He used a picture from our daughters baby shower !! I was sick to my stomach over this. I confronted him and he sed he made a mistake would delete it right away and that he hates himself and I deserve to hate him. He swears he hasn’t gone on dates in the past 5 months since he’s left.
I basically told him to dismiss the divorce and goto therapy come home and work on this marriage or tell me hes 100% for divorce. He has yet been able to look me in the eye and tell me he’s 100% sure divorce is the only option. As of last night he told me “he’s never moving back in”. Hurts to hear but I guess I have to listen. I have been protecting him and kind of hiding this separation and scared to go “public” with it or even remove our photos from social media it’s too hard. Im at the point where if he is done I want his lawyer just to speed up the process so I can take the kids and move away from the house filled with painful memories. I pray every day to have my marriage back together and now I just feel hopeless.
Nothing is happening as far as divorce until February and even then it won’t be final but it just kills me the fact we have a 2 year old and 3 month old baby and he won’t even give this marriage a chance. He admitted to me last week he wasn’t happy now and hates himself but if that’s true why wouldn’t he try to fix this ?? I’m feeling completely hopeless at this point like my marriage is really over and I just can’t accept it. I’m so sad and I guess now is the time just to focus on myself and the kids. The holidays are going to be so hard. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore I just want my family back together. Any suggestions???

[MamaB25]

Oh another update as of 12/1 he is just responsible for child support only. Now as of the other day randomly he’s offering to continue paying my car insurance and cell phone?? Can’t make sense of this

[TJT]

Hi Mama,

I so empathize with you and the absolute desperate feeling you have to save your marriage, and really relate to the not "needing", but wanting. It's the only thing I want in my sitch as well. It shows our true commitment to another person.

The only thing I can offer in terms of the "why" for what your husband is doing in offering to help with bills, etc. is guilt. My H would do things that seemed to be wishy-washy to me too, but when I'd point out that it seemed like he wasn't sure, he'd become adamant that he was sure and nothing had changed on his end. Then he'd continue to act like he would come to the house every so often to help out with things like taking care of the yard.... I had to tell him very bluntly that it made no sense for him to tell me he doesn't want to be with me, but yet wants to be my lawn man?! And the only reason is because it made HIM feel better about himself given the other ways he was hurting me.

But, I obviously can't predict why your H is doing this. It does sound like your H's behavior is much more on the fence than mine has ever been, and ever since I told my H I didn't want him in the house, we have been pretty much completely NC. I did have to ASK my H finally if he could give me money for things I'm still paying for like car insurance, health insurance, etc. and he agreed to transfer the money to me each month (we will see if it happens) "until" there's a divorce decree. Yet he still has not filed and I know it's pointless for me to even ask why or when he plans to.

Basically I'm really no help here except to say you are NOT alone and the weird behaviors that you are observing that seem like everyone else would raise an eyebrow at are totally valid, and I don't know what gets into our WASs that makes them so blind and susceptible to doing outrageous things. It's frustrating, it leaves us without answers, it leaves us yearning for so much ... but if nothing else I think it's really good that you are seeing the strength and positivity in raising the kids and still thriving in your career.

FYI I protected my H for what I felt was a long time too (2 months). Finally I pushed it and made sure he told at least his parents, and I told mine, and I also told the neighbors simply because I NEEDED to or I was going to die from not having an outlet for what I was going through. Looking back I can't help but wonder if I expedited a process that he may have otherwise started to question more on his own had I not pushed it, but at the same time I couldn't play games anymore and it was getting to the point where I felt like he was waffling because it was convenient for him, as long as I was letting him, even though he was ACTING as if he cared - as opposed to him waffling because he wasn't sure.

Anyway from a social media (SM) perspective, I wouldn't worry about that. There are some other threads on here about that but I have also concluded that I am not even going to touch that until it's really the right time and stuff has resolved. It really is like a whole part of your life is frozen in time and weird that a whole bunch of people you both know may have no idea. You will know when it's the right time for you to let people know and so forth. The only recommendation I would give there is to not be negative about your husband if/when you do share, because the other thing I've learned is that the more they feel shame, the worse the behavior gets. Sometimes we think the opposite, or that if we tell someone else maybe they will help change their mind. In a healthy society and community, I think those types of things would happen, but the reality is that most men do not look upon this type of vulnerability positively, and many "community" members (friends, neighbors, even family) will not attempt to "intervene" or change anyone's mind. It's sad because we are not left with many options then to encourage someone how to deal with such things in a healthier way unless they simply decide to on their own.

[MamaB25]

Thank you TJT for your insight. Nice to hear I’m not alone even though it feels like it.

I’ve lost all hope. He left 7 months ago today and has filed. I’ve begged him (I know bad) almost daily to come home or goto marriage counseling and he refuses. He will barely communicate with me and til this day he can NOT tell me he wants a divorce and he doesn’t love me to my face. I believe this is called avoidance. We are supposed to goto court in February. I’m literally sick to my stomach over this and feel like my world is crashing down and I have no control over it. I’m staying busy with the kids and trying to give them the best life possible and taking care of myself but he just consumes my thoughts and the fantasy of the forever life I thought we’d share together. Has anyone heard of a walk away husband changing his mind last minute ? I haven’t even hired a lawyer yet because it’s like a nightmare and surreal and I pray he comes home every day. Our babies are so young and I can’t imagine having to deal with him forever when he refuses to give me any type of closure or reason for our marriage ending. Is there any chance of him changing his mind?? As of now there is no evidence of another woman. Seems to be more like midlife crisis / depression issue.

[Yorkie]

Hi MamaB25

First, forgive me because I haven't read all your posts; just the first page and your post today.

The only thing you should have lost hope in is that pursuing DOES NOT WORK. In fact, you feel as bad now as you did 7 months ago. That comes across in your post.

You say here that you beg him almost daily. I'm not going to defend a man who walks away from his family but all this is doing is confirming for him that he does right to stay away.

He sounds dreadfully confused / conflicted. We don't know what is causing that and I'm not sure it matters. But the one thing that he thinks he knows for sure is that the M makes him unhappy and that nothing has changed in 7 months. You haven't changed.

Look back at the advice you were given after your first post. if you are pursuing on an almost daily basis then you are not following it.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you with such small babies. Its flipping hard with grown children. But you need to start DBing with a vengeance because for the sake of your health, you cannot continue like this. If the divorce progresses you need to be strong for yourself and your children. If DB doesn't save your marriage it will help you to be strong.

Give it a go. One day at a time. My suggestion would be no contact tomorrow unless it is absolutely about the children. And then the day after and the day after that. No begging, no pleading, no desperation no matter how much you want to.

Give him space to breathe and sort his sh** out BUT more importantly give yourself space to breathe and gain strength.

Everybody here will support you. Don't tell him how you feel at the moment. Tell us instead if you want.

[MamaB25]

Soo he had to come to the house today for our sons early intervention appt. On the way there he texted me asking if I wanted a coffee. I said no thank you. Then he comes and says he’s going “to clean out the shed” and pull out the snowblower out of nowhere. He organized the shed , put Xmas decorations in the attic, and cleaned up the yard a bit. His actions do not match his words it makes no sense. He says he’s adamant about divorce and no marriage counseling yet he sends these somewhat mixed messages. Drives me crazy. I’m going to try my best to stop begging and start DBing and looking good around him. It’s terrifying court is next month and I feel like it’s too late for him to come around and change his mind

[MamaB25]

I think I have had an epiphany. I’ve spent the last 7 months crying on a daily basis and missing our “old perfect life”. Starting to slowly realize it wasn’t so perfect. Walking on egg shells not to upset your partner and having to beg someone to stay with you is not a healthy relationship. I miss the man my H used to be BUT I’m starting to see he is NOT that man anymore. That man would not walk out on a pregnant wife and toddler and watch her cry without comforting her.

I finally made a very brief statement about our separation on Facebook and I feel like an elephant has been lifted off my chest. I felt shame and embarrassment and I don’t know why because he is the one who gave up on our marriage. I was amazed at all the positive support I got and re connected with a lot of old friends reaching out to me which is a positive. I’ve spent 7 months trying to keep this private and protect him in hopes he’d come home but finally he sed to my face “I want a divorce” so I’m choosing to work on MY happiness and give him what he wants.

I think the key is to staying very busy. I do a lot of fun activities with the kids. Work. Clean / maintain the household. I’m getting to the point I am proud of myself. If my husband finds a girlfriend which I know is next I feel bad for her because a) he is going to lie about the reason he walked away from his family b) she needs to deal with his issues and rude MIL. Good luck to them !! Any man that would walk away from a pregnant wife and kids is NOT a catch. I’m really starting to get excited about my new future. Moving ..decorating a new place ...travel... getting healthy ... new beginnings. It’s like a fresh start and I feel free. Of course there is days I break down and miss my old marriage and H from years ago but he is NOT that man anymore and I did everything in my power to work on the marriage. This is his loss and he will regret it one day. I guess my point is if anyone is feeling hopeless I thought I could never move on and I just woke up one day with a completely different attitude and a sense of empowerment. I’m not letting him make me a fool anymore begging someone to be married who doesn’t want that.

[job]

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[AnotherStander]

I know this is an older post from November but wanted to touch on a few things in case you feel like going down this road again because you are making mistakes that most newer DB'ers make and it's killing your chances:

Haven’t posted in a while...I’m losing hope badly.

First of all, this is a marathon. You simply cannot DB and expect to see results in weeks or even months. It takes a year or more. You've barely started the race, a good marathon runner most assuredly does not give up hope after running 100 yards.

Things were going great for a while. Went trick or treating with the kids and it seemed like H was finally letting his guard down. He even was opening up more at the idea of marriage counseling saying he will ask about it or think about it as before it was a bold no.

Stop hanging your hopes on every little thing he says. There are going to be good days and bad days. He's going to throw you crumbs to try and keep you on as Plan B. Don't fall for it. You've got to keep your cool and maintain your distance.

I messed up and was bad at DBing. Sent endless emails confessing my love and hopes for reconciliation. Text messages.

Don't do that, that is a tremendous amount of pressure on him at a time he wants no pressure. That is how YOU feel, not how HE feels. And right now this is all about HIS feelings.

A mutual friend found him on a dating site last week. He used a picture from our daughters baby shower !! I was sick to my stomach over this. I confronted him and he sed he made a mistake would delete it right away and that he hates himself and I deserve to hate him.

More pressure. Don't confront, and quit snooping.

I basically told him to dismiss the divorce and goto therapy come home and work on this marriage or tell me hes 100% for divorce.

That's pressure too. That's what YOU want, not what HE wants. Stop this kind of talk. Give him time and space. Leave him alone to sort this out.

As of last night he told me “he’s never moving back in”. Hurts to hear but I guess I have to listen.

Drop your expectations. Again, it is FAR TOO SOON for him to be changing his mind. You shouldn't expect to hear him say anything positive for AT LEAST a year. After that he may very well change his mind, right now he doesn't think he will but it has happened plenty of times.

I pray every day to have my marriage back together and now I just feel hopeless.

Patience!

He admitted to me last week he wasn’t happy now and hates himself but if that’s true why wouldn’t he try to fix this ??

Because he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. He will eventually sort it out but only after you remove all the pressure from him and give him the time and space he needs.