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Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: LH19] #2820733
11/05/18 05:52 PM
11/05/18 05:52 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
L
Living Offline OP
Member
Living  Offline OP
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L
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Living
[quote=LH19]Living,

I am really sorry you are going through this right now.

I am going to give you my opinion. He's manipulating you. He wants to have affairs with younger woman and still have the comforts of the family and home. It is good you stopped having sex with him. Sounds like your'e ready to cave which will put you back at ground zero.

Lets look at actions and consequences. He has affairs and the consequences are he sleeps in other room and you have not had sex with him in two weeks. I have married friends who go way longer then that.

This is very troublesome to read because it sounds to me that it is like a game to him.


LH19,

Originally Posted by Living
I assure you that I am not going to cave. It is hard to withdraw and detach, I'm just acknowledging that when I say that I miss my husband. Truth is I miss the man he used to be. I miss the man I fell in love with. I'm not fond of this new person he has become.

Detaching takes a really long time. Keep in mind that the husband you fell in love with is likely going to be gone for a really long time.

Originally Posted by Living
To my knowledge, he has only had 1 physical affair, which was last year. Trust me when I say that I know there was no excuse for his affair. He is a grown man and could have made a better decision.

So you believe the Hawaii girl was not an affair?

Originally Posted by Living
I will not be sleeping with him or having sex with him. I agree with you that he was trying to manipulate me. However, that is over. I refuse to allow myself to continue to be played. Therefore no matter how hard this may be, I'm choosing to just focus on myself. I'm choosing my self-respect.

This is a really good statement! Stick to it.

Originally Posted by Living
Do I want my marriage to work? Sure I do! But if and when he comes to his senses, we won't be just picking up where we left off. Too much has been said and too much has been done. It will take some real work to patch this marriage up.

This is also a good statement make sure you also stick to this or it won't work out long-term.

Originally Posted by Living
My husband appears to be in a full-blown mid-life crisis and unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about that. This is a journey he must take on his own.

What makes you think it's MLC? When you say there is nothing you can do about it, what do you mean? That you do not have choices?

You sound like you are on the right track so stick to what you posted above.






To be honest, I do not think the female in Hawaii was a physical affair. I could be wrong but my gut feeling says he did not sleep with her. The chick last year that he used to work with was a full-blown affair. My gut told me so and it turns out my intuition was right.

I honestly think he met a chick in Hawaii and flirted with her. They obviously exchanged numbers since I saw the text message between them. However, she didn't pursue him, he sent her a text message. She just responded. That is why I say the Hawaii chick isn't an issue. The issue is my husband. He obviously sees no wrong in his behavior. Therefore, it will be her or someone else. He feels like he is unhappy and his first impulse is to try to hook up with someone else. So how is he behaving since I have found out about him not being happy, and saying he wants to leave, and texting the chick in Hawaii...he has been on his best behavior. He comes straight home from work and isn't texting anyone in my view. Does that mean that I am naive to think that he may not be texting her when I go to bed or when he goes to work? No, I don't trust him right now as far as I can throw him.

He has proven that he is disloyal and deceitful so I don't trust him at all.

Regarding why I think he is going through a midlife crisis because I have done a ton of research and he shows all of the textbook signs.

* He says he is unhappy and feels like he is missing out on something
* He says, I love you but I am not in love with you anymore
* He says he is confused and lost
* He says he doesn't know what will make him happy but life is short so he has to find what will make him happy
* He isn't sleeping much
* He has drastically changed from the person he was. He never displayed any of this behavior for the first 10 years of our marriage.
* He says one thing and then his actions say another thing.
* He says he feels like he has put pressure on himself to be a good provider, father, and husband. That he has put pressure on himself to be better than his mother, better than his father, and better than his step-father (who was verbally and emotionally abusive to him).
* He has a sudden urge to buy a new truck. He's almost become obsessed looking at new trucks.
* He has blamed me for why he is unhappy with the marriage.
* Now he says it's not my fault, I have been a wonderful wife...it's him.
* He had an affair with a 26-year old that he said made him feel alive. After the affair, he felt shame and said he doesn't know who he was and why he did that.
* He said he is bored and has the sudden urge to change his routine.
* He said he is tired of the same old same old. He wants something different. He feels like we are not progressing.

All of those things, coupled with his odd behavior leads me to believe he is in and has been in a mid-life crisis. I honestly think his father dying is what did it. I say that because that is when I begin to see his slow decline. My family and kids all agree that there is something different about him. He is not who he used to be. His behavior is so out of character for him. We have been together for 12 years and he has never shown any signs of this behavior prior to last year. It is truly like he has been abducted by aliens. I know that sounds cliche but it is s true.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: Living] #2820736
11/05/18 06:22 PM
11/05/18 06:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,141
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Posts: 8,141
Originally Posted by Living
I suspect that my H is in a full-blown midlife crisis.


It sure sounds like it. If he is then prepare for a long journey! Men in MLC can do absolutely crazy stuff, it's not at all uncommon for them to make large, extravagant purchases that they can't even come close to affording. I remember someone here posting years ago about finding out their H had chartered a yacht to take his new young arm-candy GF on a private cruise through foreign countries. It was incredibly expensive, but a man firmly in the grip of MLC doesn't concern himself with such trivialities as how to pay for something. You might want to talk to a L to take measures to protect yourself financially.

Quote
Then a couple of months ago he had to go out of town for work. A 2-week work trip turned into a 6-week work trip. While away his work trip seemed more like a paid vacation rather than work.


Was it even work-related at all? This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about! He may have just gone off on a vacation with his GF and told you it was a work trip.

Quote
Now here is the kicker...heís told me all the above but still wants to have sex with me. Still tells me he loves me every day. Says he misses me (we are sleeping in separate rooms) and still wants to touch all over me.


This is classic cake-eating. He wants to have his fling and hang onto a bit of married life as well. You were right to shut that down. Men in MLC have to hit rock bottom much like a drug addict or alcoholic. As long as you try to appease him he will never hit bottom. You've got to stick with a tough-love approach as you have been. It is the only way. I'm not saying to be rude/ cold/ indifferent, but you've got to be firm and unmoving. Don't join his pity parties. Don't be his shoulder to cry on.

Quote
He went to go visit my daughter at college yesterday and she asked him was he sure he wanted a divorce and he told her yes. Heís never communicated that to me. Just last night while he was begging, he said I havenít asked you for a divorce yet. Like Hugh? This is so weird. Has anyone here ever been through this? My husband is constantly giving me mixed signals and itís nuts.


Yes nearly everyone. Some WAS's are more extreme than others but we've all seen some form of the mixed signals thrown at us. They are confused and in turmoil. They are on a journey only they can make, and the best you can do is get out of the way. You can't help him on the journey.

Good luck and keep posting!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: Living] #2820738
11/05/18 06:24 PM
11/05/18 06:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Living,

The reason I ask the question because I find that a lot of people on this board feel better if they can label it (MLC) it makes them feel better. Almost like "well he can't help it he is having a MLC".

My ex and most people on this board can say their spouse had/have most of those "symptoms".

As long as you understand that life is about choices and with all choices there are consequences.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: Living] #2820750
11/05/18 07:30 PM
11/05/18 07:30 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,802
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Posts: 7,802
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Originally Posted by Living
I rejected him .....He begged and pleaded like a little kid. WTF?


I believe you have a good chance of turning things around based on this one statement.

Set him free.
Set your boundaries.
Enforce your boundaries.
List out your non-negotiables.
Walk away from the relationship faster than he does.

The things that work are completely counter-intuitive.

He has to FEEL that he has completely lost any chance of ever getting you back.
He has to be begging you to take him back.

People want what they cant have. Make him want you. Make him desire you. Understand the power of seduction.


I wish you well and hope you can build an amazing relationship with your H. You have all the power. Change the way you interact with him, FORCES him to change the way he interacts with you.






"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: LH19] #2820768
11/05/18 09:06 PM
11/05/18 09:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
L
Living Offline OP
Member
Living  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Living
[quote=LH19]Living,

I am really sorry you are going through this right now.

I am going to give you my opinion. He's manipulating you. He wants to have affairs with younger woman and still have the comforts of the family and home. It is good you stopped having sex with him. Sounds like your'e ready to cave which will put you back at ground zero.

Lets look at actions and consequences. He has affairs and the consequences are he sleeps in other room and you have not had sex with him in two weeks. I have married friends who go way longer then that.

This is very troublesome to read because it sounds to me that it is like a game to him.


LH19,

Originally Posted by Living
I assure you that I am not going to cave. It is hard to withdraw and detach, I'm just acknowledging that when I say that I miss my husband. Truth is I miss the man he used to be. I miss the man I fell in love with. I'm not fond of this new person he has become.

Detaching takes a really long time. Keep in mind that the husband you fell in love with is likely going to be gone for a really long time.

Originally Posted by Living
To my knowledge, he has only had 1 physical affair, which was last year. Trust me when I say that I know there was no excuse for his affair. He is a grown man and could have made a better decision.

So you believe the Hawaii girl was not an affair?

Originally Posted by Living
I will not be sleeping with him or having sex with him. I agree with you that he was trying to manipulate me. However, that is over. I refuse to allow myself to continue to be played. Therefore no matter how hard this may be, I'm choosing to just focus on myself. I'm choosing my self-respect.

This is a really good statement! Stick to it.

Originally Posted by Living
Do I want my marriage to work? Sure I do! But if and when he comes to his senses, we won't be just picking up where we left off. Too much has been said and too much has been done. It will take some real work to patch this marriage up.

This is also a good statement make sure you also stick to this or it won't work out long-term.

Originally Posted by Living
My husband appears to be in a full-blown mid-life crisis and unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about that. This is a journey he must take on his own.

What makes you think it's MLC? When you say there is nothing you can do about it, what do you mean? That you do not have choices?

You sound like you are on the right track so stick to what you posted above.





Thank you for your comment and encouragement. As for was he really on a work trip. Without saying too much, I will just say that he works for the government so I was present when the work trip travel plans were made. His trip was paid for by the government so I know it was work related. He also getís extra money for travel andO saw those deposits be made into our bank account.

I agree with you that Iím on the right track. I just left my therapist office and she too thinks Iím on the right track. Thanks again for the encouragement. Hugs!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: LH19] #2820769
11/05/18 09:15 PM
11/05/18 09:15 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
L
Living Offline OP
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Living  Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
Originally Posted by LH19
Living,

The reason I ask the question because I find that a lot of people on this board feel better if they can label it (MLC) it makes them feel better. Almost like "well he can't help it he is having a MLC".

My ex and most people on this board can say their spouse had/have most of those "symptoms".

As long as you understand that life is about choices and with all choices there are consequences.



Living I totally get what youíre saying. However, God knows I wish that it wasnít a mid-life crisis. But I truly believe thatís what it is. If that in deed is what heís going through, that certainly doesnít excuse ANY of his bad behavior. However what it does do is explain why he is acting totally out of character. I do believe that people suffering from mid-life crisis can help it. They just have to admit there is a problem and get help with that problem. So please know that Iím not using his mid-life crisis as a way of excusing his behavior or for allowing him to get away with treating me like crap. Again, most of the time mid-life crisis is a journey that only the person suffering from it can go through and work to come out of. Unfortunately they normally create a path of destruction and hurt people they love. After all, hurt people, hurt people.

Youíre right in the sense that we all have choices. Right now my choice is to hop off the roller coaster ride heís on and take care of me.


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: Ready2Change] #2820771
11/05/18 09:27 PM
11/05/18 09:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
L
Living Offline OP
Member
Living  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Living
I rejected him .....He begged and pleaded like a little kid. WTF?


I believe you have a good chance of turning things around based on this one statement.

Set him free.
Set your boundaries.
Enforce your boundaries.
List out your non-negotiables.
Walk away from the relationship faster than he does.

The things that work are completely counter-intuitive.

He has to FEEL that he has completely lost any chance of ever getting you back.
He has to be begging you to take him back.

People want what they cant have. Make him want you. Make him desire you. Understand the power of seduction.


I wish you well and hope you can build an amazing relationship with your H. You have all the power. Change the way you interact with him, FORCES him to change the way he interacts with you.






I loved this. Thank you so much. Of course there are no guarantees but I think you may be right. He hasnít begged this much for me ever. You know why? Because he never has had to. Iím doing exactly what youíve suggested. Iím getting on with my freaking life. One of two things will happen. One he will open his eyes, realize what heís about to loose, and get his act together. Or two, he wonít open his eyes, heíll leave and set out on a journey to find the happiness he says heís looking for. One day he may regret leaving, maybe he wonít. Who really knows. However, if I know him as much I think I do, heíll have some regrets. As far as Iím concerned that will just have to be a risk heís willing to take if he leaves because I wonít be sitting back waiting on him. Iím a good woman and I have been a good wife. Notice I didnít say Iíve been a perfect wife. However, what I have been is loyal, honest, loving, understanding, full of compromise, and supportive. Iíve never cheated on him or deceived him in any way.

So until I sign divorce papers, Iíll remain committed to my marriage. There will be no other men. If and when I have to walk away from this marriage, it will be because he wanted a divorce not me. Also, Iíll be walking away with my dignity and the satisfaction of knowing I did all that I could.

So my focus is on doing the work on myself. Improving myself. Thatís the best thing I can do.

Again thanks for the encouragement!


Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: Living] #2820773
11/05/18 09:45 PM
11/05/18 09:45 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
Wow Living I am very impressed with you. Most newbies confidence is shot and don't have a clue or a plan and usually make matters worse.

Let's talk about:

Set your boundaries.
Are you familiar with boundaries? They are not ultimatums. Please come here and run it by the board before you set any.

Enforce your boundaries.
These can be tough if you are not willing to D.

List out your non-negotiables. Do you know what they are?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: LH19] #2820782
11/05/18 10:22 PM
11/05/18 10:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
L
Living Offline OP
Member
Living  Offline OP
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 295
Originally Posted by LH19
Wow Living I am very impressed with you. Most newbies confidence is shot and don't have a clue or a plan and usually make matters worse.

Let's talk about:

Set your boundaries.
Are you familiar with boundaries? They are not ultimatums. Please come here and run it by the board before you set any.

Enforce your boundaries.
These can be tough if you are not willing to D.

List out your non-negotiables. Do you know what they are?


LH19 Iím a person who has been through a lot in life. Iíve been strong for a long time. Now make no mistake this hurts like hell. However, I guess I find peace in knowing that itís not me. Itís him. There is nothing I could do differently to make my husband realize that cheating on me and being deceptive is wrong. Thatís on him. Thatís a character flaw in him. No matter what was going on in our marriage he made a CHOICE to cheat on me. There were other options he could have taken like say...communicatiing there was a problem. No one put a gun to his head and made him cheat.

Iím not giving him any ultimatums. That never works. Like a kid he will just rebel.

Iím familiar with boundaries. Iím not totally clear on what I want all my boundaries to be. Iíll come back with that. For now Iím just focusing on me. I do have one boundary and thatís he wonít be getting any sex from me. If that makes him go get it elsewhere...oh well. The way I see it, heíll do that no matter what.

We do communicate daily. He still calls at least once while heís at work. He still calls when heís on his way home from work. Iím not rude or petty. Iím just firm in that there will be no sex. This is hard as heck. But I have too much respect for myself to become my own husbands booty call.

Last year after he cheated, I worked to get him back. Now if he wants me back, he will have to work for me. And this time around, it wonít be easy.

Last edited by Living; 11/05/18 10:24 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together
Re: Iím new here - Getting mixed signals [Re: Living] #2820785
11/05/18 10:31 PM
11/05/18 10:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 656
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Grace21 Offline
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Grace21  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 656
Originally Posted by Living
Last year after he cheated, I worked to get him back. Now if he wants me back, he will have to work for me. And this time around, it wonít be easy.


I did the same. Pursuit doesn't work, as we have found out! I have been considering all of the requirements for consideration of R. I think it's time to start firming up my list!


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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