At least now I hope that he still feels some attachment to me because I am still his wife and he is still having an affair as opposed to a single man 'flying solo'.
To be brutally honest, it doesn't look as if he still feels that attachment. His marital status means nothing to him at all at the moment.
If you return to pursuing, begging and pleading, where will it get you? Exactly where it got you before. DBing is for you, to make you stronger, to resurrect your sense of you and to give you some context.
It may be that your marriage lost some 'excitement' You hid your relationship for a long time; that makes it exciting perhaps? He's had an affair; that will have been exciting. Perhaps things became 'stale' and not so exciting (speaking from experience) What attracted him to you in the first place?
He thinks he knows everything about you and what you will do and how you will react. Don't be so predictable. Become more mysterious, get him wondering and remembering the woman that you were. I know this looks like you are doing it to 'win him back' but what actually happens is that you begin to remember who you were before and grow and grow away from the misery that currently engulfs your life.
Crying every now and again is normal and healthy. But ask yourself what it is that you are missing about him. There is a rule to this though. You can only say what you are missing about him now; not 'we used to......' missing him. That 'him' has gone. Are you missing the lies and the cheating and the drama?
Let the past go and let him go. If he wants you he will come back. Change is inevitable; growth is optional. Be the one who grows.
Today I desperately want to call/talk to him. But I know it's useless because he won't pick up the phone. He never does. The last time I texted was 5 days ago. He does respond, but nothing that indicates he has any desire to reconcile, miss me, care... No contact can't possibly work if he's the one doing no contact!
Hope... I can see how desperate you are right now and I completely understand it. Everything in you wants to fix this...change what has happened...go back in time. But you can’t and the sooner you find a way to come to terms with that and accept it, the better off you will be. DBing is not for him or to win him back, it is for YOU. Reread what people have written to you already and really digest it. You need to come to terms with the idea that he may NOT come back. If you GAL and move forward with your life, he MAY look back and become curious... remember you for the person you were when you met. That MAY happen but it also MAY not. I can tell you one thing for sure though... if you continue to pursue him, the only thing you will do is convince him that he made the right choice to leave. There is nothing you can say or do right now to convince him otherwise. He has been clear about that. You have to find a way to let go...for you. You CAN do this. I know right now you don’t think so... and I know you don’t want to... but it is the only way to get through this.
[quote No contact can't possibly work if he's the one doing no contact!][/quote]
Depends what you're judging it by. I stopped contacting my H and he has not once contacted me since nor shown any inclination that he is thinking of me or missing me. So, has my strategy failed. No, because I've stopped obsessing about him; what's he doing, why did he write that etc etc etc on replay in my head. It has made me stronger and able to focus on me. I also filled up my time with friends and activities so I didn't have time to notice that he wasn't contacting me.
Honestly, take the NC as a blessing as it means that it doesn't put you in a spin when you hear from him. Embrace the peace and quiet and freedom. First couple of days are hard, but it does get easier. Remove all expectation.
Thanks DejaVu6 and Yorkie. Been too depressed to post. I know the DBing is supposed to get my mental health back into shape, but really it hasn't helped me nor get my H to contact me. Yes I know GAL, but I do have one. That's the thing. It doesn't stop me from constantly thinking about him. Asked him two weeks ago to see me. He said he'd get back to me, but not a peep yet. His birthday is coming up. Should I send him a happy birthday text? Or stay the course of no contact. I expect he's still having his affair and he's not missing me at all. Countdown to when he can apply for D scares me to death even though it makes no difference to the life I'm living now except I can still call him my H. Also been reading that it's much harder to recover a marriage after D which scares me even more. Still cry a lot but with less intensity now.
Hope, I may be completely off the grid here, but I wonder about your self esteem. Why did you settle for a dating relationship.....and even living with him.....where it had to be "hidden"? Then after he changed jobs, it took another year of not hiding it, before he proposed? Are you really saying you never considered M previously?
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I don't know how long the emotional affair was before I found out. He is now openly seeing the OW and displays not guilt or remorse.
Doesn't this make you angry, considering how you kept your own relationship a secret? Don't you feel you deserve better than him? You describe yourself as "old", and I just get this gut feeling you think you can do no better or be happy without him. Nothing makes a gal look more pathetic than to be desperate for a man. So, find your spunk and get a life without him. Don't let him determine your happiness. ((hugs))
Have you ever been in a long term romantic relationship with anyone other than your H?
Which of you kept the MR nourished the most? Were you the one who tried to take care of his needs, or was it the other way around?
I am so sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, relatives cannot help you. You need lots of encouragement to believe in yourself as a woman. I suggest that you try to find a woman's support group. Just being in a group of women encouraging each other can make you feel better. As for him, he is going to do whatever feels good at the moment. The best way to address this situation is to set him free. I'm not saying you must divorce. I'm saying to take your focus off him, and put it on yourself. Fill up your life with positive people and positive activities.
Don't ask others about him, and don't contact him. This would be seen as emotional pressure by him. Will it make him divorce you? No more than you contacting him would.
This may not be what you were seeking when you joined the board, but I'm telling you that the best way to draw him back (if that's what you really want) is to set him free and be happy. When you start focusing on looking better and feeling better about yourself...….it's does more than any advice we could give.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Why did you settle for a dating relationship.....and even living with him.....where it had to be "hidden"?
This was entirely work related as relationships at the office was off limits. He was very happy to introduce me to family and friends. He proposed to me as soon as he saved up enough money to surprise me with the wedding ring.
Yes, my self esteem is pretty low right now and I'm really trying hard to pick myself up. I've stopped contacting his family and have written him numerous texts message that have never been sent. As I've said before, he's been better about responding to them, but I'm probably looking too much into it hoping that it's a sign.
OK, so I'm not going to wish him a happy birthday?
I've been in your shoes and it will get better. Right now you have to influence your emotions through positive actions.
I wouldn't say anything to him about the birthday. He's open and unrepentant about his "relationship" with OW. His actions are telling you that he doesn't want you. So don't chase what you can't catch. Go do something else.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
