.....But, she will take advantage of you. The WW is going for whatever benefits her most. Why am I telling you all this stuff you don't want to hear? B/c I am being "real" with you
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The only hope of reaching her is for you to change your nice guy behavior and learn how to stand up for yourself. WW's need tough love. I'm not endorsing any type of abusive behavior. If you aren't familiar with "tough love", I recommend you google it.
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Now is the time for you to evaluate your standards and principles by which you live. Don't compromise your integrity or your moral/spiritual beliefs, trying to get back a woman who doesn't want you. Be a man of honor and courage, and do what you believe is right. These are the things to focus on during a crisis.
That is just the tip of the iceburg.
Here is how I would respond:
H "W, I am not sure how I feel about this. I will let you know my answer when I have decided."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C, I appreciate what you wrote. I do not know if I really want to stretch things out.
After having a meeting with my Atty and crafting our response to the D earlier this week, I felt relieved somehow. I also felt a little bit of power because I have regained focus and control on at least part of my life. I am in full protection mode of my assets and finances and I know that I am going to be fine at least financially afterwards. I feel like I am living in a game of chess (or maybe even boxing) now and my W is my opponent. While it was not the "right" thing to do, I prompted an action and got a very unexpected reaction and while the motives are not 100% clear, I am willing to see what her further actions (not words) will be.
I kind of feel like just going ahead and having a conversation and seeing in which direction it goes. I am prepared for it to go in a way that I do not wish and respond/react appropriately. I think I can provide the necessary tough love. I have thought a lot about what it means to just let her go and it gets easier everyday. I have a new network of close work colleagues who I finally told about my sitch and it turns out that half of them have been in my shoes and they have really been awesome.
Just to be clear I do not want a D, but if that is her direction, let's get this thing over with so I can get it out of the way.
I was thinking of responding with something simple like " W, I would welcome an opportunity to have a dialogue and I am willing to talk to you next week after I return home. Once I know my exact schedule, I will let you know what day(s) work best for me.
Do you understand counter-intuitive? This should be your thought process: "THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME"
Originally Posted by Hero18
I do not know if I really want to stretch things out.
Then decide.
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Just to be clear I do not want a D,
We do not want you to get divorced either.
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but if that is her direction, let's get this thing over with so I can get it out of the way.
Why are you giving HER all the power? What would an alpha male do?
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I was thinking of responding with something simple like " W, I would welcome an opportunity to have a dialogue and I am willing to talk to you next week after I return home. Once I know my exact schedule, I will let you know what day(s) work best for me.
This sounds weak. AND SHE ALREADY KNOWS THIS.
There are reasons I worded the message the way I did.
Am i reading this correctly, that you are the one who reached out? Then she responded at some point?
I dont know if im as optomistic as you about the meeting, but i dont see the point of playing games if you initiated it. That said, i wouldnt sound so eager in my response. A simple "im willing to meet, and ill provide you with my schedule when i get back" should be fine. If you choose to meet, dont go in all eager beaver though. Have a well thought out response to ANY scenario that may pop up, and look for advice from here.
Im newer so maybe some vets will come along and tell you differently.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Equalzr, I was just getting ready to write something similar. She is reaching out now, because of an action on my side (contacting the MIL). With respect to R2C said above, I feel if I go back now and pretend like I am not sure about wanting to talk, it is just playing games and she will see through that.
I think keeping in mind that she may try to use this opportunity to take advantage to get whatever she wants, I need to focus on standing up for myself and doling out tough love.
I was thinking of getting back at a later time, because you were GAL and whatnot. Stall a response. Or just say, "I need some time to think about this. I do not know how long it will take me to make a decision on whether to talk to you or not, but I know I need to think about this."
THEN, I got the following text from my W yesterday.
"I think you and I need to talk. Not to talk about the settlement but just to clear the air between us. I have asked my atty to get the court date pushed out until 2019. I felt like maybe we both need some time and a chance to communicate our feelings to each other. I know that you emailed my mom this weekend, which is why I am reaching out to you. I feel like we should probably talk through things with the help of a counselor, but if we need to meet to figure out how to arrange that, I am willing to. I don't know what your schedule looks like over the next week or so, but let me know. If you have no interest in talking to me, please let me know that if that's the case."
I would like to get the boards input here on how to best respond. Firstly, I know not to get excited and not to even think about any expectations. I do not think that this is just a temp check, but the skeptical part of me thinks that this is just a way for her to say later, look we did the counseling thing and it did not work so I was right to leave you.
Hero, I havent read your whole thread, but the post by R2C caught my eye. Basically, I agree you should have no expectations. I found my XW would say things like this as a way to get me somewhere to deliver bad news. I dont see anywhere where she is really saying that she wants anything to do with you - theres no real reason to suspect that there is a sudden change of heart veiled in the mystery of this text. To me, it could be that she is very angry that you reached out and wants to talk to you about "falling in line" with her plan.
So, I think it's fine to go talk. But I would go in with NO expectations. I agree with you that :"backing off" now seems odd given your pretty clear offer to "talk". But I would not be in a rush "I am pretty busy this week, but I can meet you on xxx or yyy at zzz time." I wouldnt send a feeler email about your schedule needing review or whatever. Just offer a couple options a little ways out. I wouldnt really say much more than that at this point.
Thank you all who took the time to read and respond!
Thought I would give you an update on things.
Last weekend while I was wrestling with things, I did something that I was not supposed to do and that was reach out to my MIL. I have known here for 21 years and she has been like a second mother to me. I explained to her that without betraying her D's confidence, I wanted to know if I she thought it was worth it to write a letter or if that would make things worse. Naturally, she wrote back that I put her in an uncomfortable position, but told me that she (my MIL) still loves me. I wrote back that was OK, and I was sorry for putting her in that position and to forget what I asked. I did ask her to please tell my W that whether it is 6 weeks from now or 6 years to now to pick up the phone and call me if she ever felt like wanting to reconnect.
As you know from above, I did give any letter to my W. Instead, I met with my Atty and responded to my W's filing. I then went on a business trip with a large contingent from the office and it was a BLAST! I finally shed some of my NG qualities and took the GAL to heart. I stayed out late drinking, playing cards and laughing my @ss off every night. It was the first time in years that I did not feel guilty for not quitting early to go to my room and make a phone call home. I used to hate business travel, but I found it to be bummer that we had to go home. I know it is only one event, but it made me believe that GAL is possible even if it is exhausting after 4 straight days of partying.
THEN, I got the following text from my W yesterday.
"I think you and I need to talk. Not to talk about the settlement but just to clear the air between us. I have asked my atty to get the court date pushed out until 2019. I felt like maybe we both need some time and a chance to communicate our feelings to each other. I know that you emailed my mom this weekend, which is why I am reaching out to you. I feel like we should probably talk through things with the help of a counselor, but if we need to meet to figure out how to arrange that, I am willing to. I don't know what your schedule looks like over the next week or so, but let me know. If you have no interest in talking to me, please let me know that if that's the case."
I would like to get the boards input here on how to best respond. Firstly, I know not to get excited and not to even think about any expectations. I do not think that this is just a temp check, but the skeptical part of me thinks that this is just a way for her to say later, look we did the counseling thing and it did not work so I was right to leave you. However, there is another part of me that is curious to see how she acts (it must mean something if she is willing to delay the D, right?) and would like to hear what she has to say. I have read other threads where the advice is to respond with an upbeat tone, but not sound too eager. Is that also good advice here as well?
Thank you in advance.
I've continued you follow your sitch, but haven't responded much since you seem to be getting a lot of good information and advice here. However, I am not sure what the purpose of reaching out to your MiL was. LBSs usually have just a few reasons to violate the "don't reach out to her family and friends" rule and almost all of them are not pure. Usually LBSs do that with expectations. With hopes. With plans. Or with devious intentions. I think even you are trying to justify it to yourself with the "I have known here for 21 years and she has been like a second mother to me.". While true, she is still YOUR W's mother and not YOUR mother.
I think you really need to take a step back and ask yourself what the motivations for reaching out to your MiL are/were. Also, I agree with your assessment. Your W, now that you reached out to her mom, is going to give it the "ol' college try". Not to really try.......but to be able to tell mom "Well, we tried counseling, I delayed the D, but it just couldn't be saved."
You know that these tactics have almost no chance of working, right? They fall under the "pursuit" and "pressure" categories. What can work is to let her go. Give her space. Let her decide for herself whether or not she wants to stay or go.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. How LBSs try to coerce, force, manipulate, etc their WAS into staying. Do you really wan to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? That the only reason they are still there is because you contacted mom or dad, or friend or sister or brother, or someone that has influence over them and that person guilted them into staying? Have you ever seen a couple where one has decided they no longer want to be with the other but because of religion or family expectations or whatever, they are staying in the relationship? There is no affection. There is no warmth. It is a marriage of convenience that is really inconvenient.
Love demands that we let our spouse choose. I am not sure if you are religious at all, but one of the things that amazes is God's love for us. God loves us so much that he let's US choose whether to follow him or not. God loves us so much that He let's us decide for ourselves whether to love Him back. Or be obedient to Him. Or to worship Him. Sure He could have forced us to do that. He could have made us so that we did everything He requires of us, no questions asked. But what good would that do? All of us can get a machine for a companion. But where is the love? The warmth? The desire? Do you really want a robot that can't think for itself?
So what if your contacting your MiL had worked. Your W called you and said, I am stopping the D. Wouldn't you always question if that was REALLY what she wanted to do? Would that be a satisfying existence for you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
