I lied about my signature when i came on back i n 2015. I honestly believed my ex would be scouring through marriage forums like i was and i figured he would look past someone that age and with twins. I actually signed on here earlier with a different name as well and then switched it when i started revealing personal stuff. It took a while for me to realize my ex could care less and then just never bothered to change it.
I still like the idea of keeping a false signature. If someone knew i posted on this forum, and wanted to look for me, it would make it harder to find me. They would have to scour and actually read through a lot of threads and posts. When i reach 42, i will probably change my age again. I am always honest about my feelings and what im going through though.
And also, i wasnt meaning to say i am stuck with NG amd still in love with my ex. Just that ot doesnt feel natural to start a new life with someone not the biological father of my son. NG has good morals and is very trustworthy.
I have only 30 seconds to reply but here's my first thought...it IS unnatural to be living the rest of your life with a partner other than your XH. But it is just as unnatural to be living the rest of your life with no partner at all. What's unnatural is your XH out of the picture. That is a huge loss. But that can't be avoided. Now you're trying to figure out the best path forward knowing it will never be what you originally hoped for either way. No shame in rebuilding a new life in place of the old.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I lied about my signature when i came on back i n 2015. I honestly believed my ex would be scouring through marriage forums like i was and i figured he would look past someone that age and with twins. I actually signed on here earlier with a different name as well and then switched it when i started revealing personal stuff. It took a while for me to realize my ex could care less and then just never bothered to change it.
Oh thank goodness. I have thought for the past two years that your son had suffered the death of his twin, but since you never mentioned it, I feared it was still too traumatic for you to talk about.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hello zues - yes. Once a month i go through this wave of panic when i am with NG. I find something he said to me or someone that prooves i dont want to bother with a relationship (and jelly pointed out that i am cool with other people saying the same things to me) and then i come on here or write and talk to my friends and complain. I compare him to my ex. I got mad at him for giving me advice on son. I did the opposite on purpose and he was right. He wasnt critiquing me. Just trying ro be helpful. But thats not fair. My ex wasnt around or invested so i didnt have to deal with ex. Only with ex's lack of involvement.
I am surprised that you wrote that you feel it is unnatural to be alone. Looking forward to an update and hope all is well in your life.
Rose - im sorry. I do periodically note the truth in some of my posts. I know that those posts will just get lost to the back of the pages. My son was so difficult - hes adhd, there were thoughts that he could be on spectrum, and had some behavior issues that when i first came on it seemed comparable to say i had twins. I felt like i could still get across my point of having difficulty as a mom, without revealing things that identify who i really am.
I have talked to people off the forums that knew the truth all along back from when i was in newcomers - but even with them i use a fake name and no pics. You never know who is out there. I am a single mom. I want to keep my son as best protected as i could posting publicly. I have heard of some scary stories with a few posters on here.
That being said, i do know today is a different world. People share their lives on you tube and facebook. They create blogs. Why would anyone even be interested in me? Im not any one that stands out. But i do suffer from anxiety. I have talked a lot about that. Be as anonymous as possible makes me less anxious.
it IS unnatural to be living the rest of your life with a partner other than your XH. But it is just as unnatural to be living the rest of your life with no partner at all.
Really? Did you really mean to say this? I see juju questioned it as am I. So I've been living an unnatural life the last 12 years? Wow. Can't say that I agree but who would want to agree they are living an unnatural life. Hope you'll clarify.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
JuJu I've seen this whatever it is with your new guy happen multiple times now. From all I can tell it's more about you than it is about him. Is it truly hormonal? Is it really only every 30 days that you feel this way? If it is, then I think you already have your answer. If not, then what? I think you might be lucky he's putting up with it. Many of us might say, enough is enough - and he might get to that point. Especially if he's giving you good advice and you are doing the exact opposite just to spite him - wow that's childish and you know it.
They say love is a choice and I guess to some degree I agree. What is it that is holding you back with him or that keeps you unsure? How would you feel if he came to you next week and said "JuJu this just isn't working. You are not treating me well and I can't keep kissing your arse all the time. I think I need a break." How do you think you would feel? Relieved? Really upset? Because either you are not feeling it for this guy and are trying because you think you should, or you have some emotional maturing to do. If it's truly just PMS then you simply need to acknowledge that and get through it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I dont know if its pms. I just go into these extreme moods. Sometimes im happy and then other times i am looking for reasons to leave. Or doubting him as a potential partner or doubting myself and my choice. Its not a dynamic in which I treat him badly. I just withdraw and take space. With my ex, i was opposite, much more emotional and i learned my lesson.
What keeps me unsure? He was only the 2nd person i had a relationship with after ex left. . I did not really date around. I probably needed to be single more. What keeps me from doing that right now? NG is a loyal person with similar morals. He wants what i want. We have a lot in common. Im getting older and i have limited time. If i was 45 i probably would have just healed a bit more.
I know many guys out there are more like you, in that they are not looking to form a family unit, or else they are like my ex or many waywards here. Guys that left their wives to find love and happiness. NG was everything i had said i wanted. He even lives walking distance away. He would like having me and my son move in with him. He is domestic. I am not.
How would i feel if he left me? I would never want to hurt someone. So if he left me because i hurt him i would feel really bad. If he left me because of other reasons..found someone else, does not want to have a young kid around, etc. Then i would not care. I would just think its good to know now.
For me, i choose to love. I think it evolves. But i am more practical. I dont really know why i hold back. I still feel trauma from ex maybe? I dont want to be duped again maybe. I dont trust my choices. I never once saw what my ex was, yet the signs were there. Problem was i didnt know the signs cause they were new to me. What if NG just has something new that indont k ownthe signs for or what to even look for.
A couple of things really jumped out when I first read your post, and I have a few thoughts that may or may not be helpful.
Originally Posted by JujuB
Im getting older and i have limited time. If i was 45 i probably would have just healed a bit more.
Sure, I agree with you...time and maybe age are important. But also, equally important (maybe even more so) is what you do with that time.
A person could be 5 or 10 years into D, but not much further forward in terms of the journey, or process of self discovery. They could be pretty much at the same point that they were all those years previously. How have they used their time? To me it seems a bit like they've been treading water.
Remember the whole 'time is a gift' phrase that I think we all read when we first came here?
Why not use that time for your own benefit? To enrich yourself and your life? Do the things that spark your interest and that you want to explore and do?
Sure, the hard thing is finding those things. Sometimes, I have to admit, that I feel a bit blank when I try and think of what I'd like to do. It's an effort trying to think. But the advantage I have (and you have too) is that it's not just you that is thinking about what you might or might not want to try out, but your partner as well. And he might think of things that you'd never even considered.
Originally Posted by JujuB
I dont really know why i hold back. I still feel trauma from ex maybe? I dont want to be duped again maybe. I dont trust my choices. I never once saw what my ex was, yet the signs were there. Problem was i didnt know the signs cause they were new to me. What if NG just has something new that indont k ownthe signs for or what to even look for.
Yes, I think you're totally right about all these things. And by heavens, I can relate to what you're saying about not having been aware because you didn't even know the signs.
I'd throw in something else to think about as well: perhaps you don't really believe and/or trust yourself. Believe and trust that you can handle what unfolds from what is happening now. And what is happening is ultimately your choice.
And again, that difficult thing about finding that belief and trust.
In one sense it's easy being with an addict (and I'd also throw being with very controlling types into this as well). Their vision of themselves and the world - their ego - takes up *all* of the space in the relationship and in you as well. There's not much space left for you in any sense of the word. No space for you to have your own version of things, events or people, no space for you to grow. And I think you get pushed into smaller and smaller spaces, until you're just squashed in round the edges of everything, around them. They've taken up all the space.
It's not a sudden thing, it's a process that happens very gradually and almost imperceptibly. It happens on a practical level, as you take on more and more sorting out what they should be doing as an adult because they're just not doing it. And then you also end up sorting out the fallout from their lives too - the inevitable result of their addiction.
That takes up time and energy. It takes up your time and energy. That's your time and energy that you could have been putting into your own growth and development. I'm not talking about what is right or wrong, I'm just saying how one kind of dynamic evolves and the result of it and the cost of it too.
So when that person is no longer there, taking up all that time and space in your life, who are you left with? Speaking for myself, I can sense the empty spaces in myself, the blankness. And I have to admit, it does make me panic at times. Who am I? What am I about? How can I like myself when I don't even really know what I'm about? How do I even know if the choices I'm making are right for me when I don't know what I'm really about?
The empty spaces and blankness make me want to fill them with something, anything, because they are uncomfortable as heck. And, looking back, I probably have done that (mainly on the work front, and that relationship I had, very early on, with the heavy drinker).
But that's OK, that's led me to where I am now, and that's a good thing because I'm now learning to be alright with the not knowing. Not knowing gives me the opportunity of trying lots of things that I might not otherwise have come across and tried. Some of those things might be really small and tiny things, some bigger. Some I'm doing because I've thought of them, and some because they're something that my partner would like to try. Some I do on my own, some he does on his own, some we do together, but I try and share as much as possible - thoughts, feelings, impressions - with him. He's very much by my side throughout, as a companion, holding my hand and me holding his, whether we're doing things independently or together.
And these things give me more chances of discovering myself as well as each other. But it's a slow process and sometimes difficult. I'm conscious of sometimes looking backwards, of being afraid, not being sure if I can somehow 'make it' (whatever that means). I'm trying to learn to be alright with this slow, non linear, process of discovering what I'm about, and to be compassionate and non judgemental about it. I try and remind myself that there are no right and wrong answers, no absolutes. That way of thinking and being belongs in my past, and with my XH and his ego taking up all the space in our M.
I try to remind myself that there's no time limit on it, that it's hopefully going to carry on for the rest of my life. And as I'm doing all these things, gaining confidence in myself, I'm also staring to look further into the future and make some plans for the future.
So the space and blankness I sometimes feel isn't an empty space, a dead space, it's a quiet, vibrant, exciting space that's full of life and possibility. And I've actually become very protective of it. I don't think that kind of space could ever have existed in my M because there was always way too much drama and upheaval. And the focus was always on that. There wasn't a chance in hell for me to even notice my little, quiet vibrant space, let alone to start to look after it.
Anyway, I don't know if any of this makes any sense, or is of any help.
