Husband left for second time - 7

[Jim1234]

So maybe this guy lost interest. Maybe he saw some of the same incompatibilities you did, and decided to pass. It happens, and you move on. I'm sure there will be others who are interested. You say only one other guy and your H made it crystal clear they were interested. I suspect there were a lot of more subtle signals from a lot of guys that you missed. Maybe they were waiting for an overt sign that you were interested before they gave you one. Been there, Done that.

As far as H being on the phone around your D, I strongly suggest you mention it to him. He may blow you off, but he might not be aware of how much it happens.

I think it's wonderful you're finally going to a divorce care group. You need to do more fun GAL activities, and this might open some doors for you. At our age, it's harder to make friends, and you have to work at it a little by going to things like these.

And don't worry. No one's judging your writing skills.

[ovrrnbw]

No worries on the style, I kinda like it because our thoughts aren't always organized or linear. So the love prospect fizzled a bit? Well, there will be more. And you being "clueless" about men is just a feeling of unease from everything going on IMO. You know plenty about men, you married one!!!! Like you said, when a man truly is interested, you won't have to question it and you will know.

I will commiserate with you on not having the special someone to spend time with. I like the group you're looking at joing too. You never know what good may come of that.

Why did your H leave you extra money? And yes, if it wasn't for mixed signals, we'd have no signals it seems.

[KitCat]

Nic -

I think the divorce support group is a fabulous idea. A great place to start... to see if you can find a local support network that can give you help in finding good child care, inexpensive get togethers, etc.

(FYI - my mom met her H at a similar church type group and they have been married for over 25yr now... she was only married to my dad for 21yr... :-) )

So.... I like to think of life as chapters in a book. I feel the chapter with the work guy thing as showing that you are out of practice in romantic relations. I get that you had 1 serious relationship prior to your H but the new Nic isn't going to wait for some guy to fall into her lap. The new Nic is going to have a list of must haves and deal breakers. You have a D to look after so the next guy has to be stellar... Nic its going to be more like a long job interview for sure. As I tried to point out earlier you are going to have to put yourself out there and practice, practice, practice. The work guy was you just dipping your toe in the water before jumping in!

You are at a complicated state. You aren't quite ready to throw away your H and not ready to sit and be a spinster with no adult to share your life with. The fact that you are even thinking about future men shows that you are willing to walk away from the current state you are in - that's a good thing.

You need to keep working on sorting your current state of affairs but don't be afraid to put yourself out there. That's why I think a divorce support group thing is fantastic. And, if you get there and this group is full of Debbie Downers... then don't stop... look for another!!!

You've come a long way.

[NicoleR]

Hi all, thanks for your responses. I wanted to take time to respond to as many of your threads as possible so mine will just be a short update and I'll respond to your recent messages first next time.

Today is the 10th wedding anniversary for my husband and I. I never imagined I'd spend it alone like this. We had so many hopes, dreams, and so much love for those first six or seven years.

My husband called recently and asked if it's ok if he doesn't come for Thanksgiving or Christmas due to the high cost of tickets. What can I say? I said sure whatever. I guess either he's planning to spend those holidays with his girlfriend or he has some other events planned with whoever he's dating.

I'm still disappointed by what happened with the guy I liked at work. I had to e-mail him about something today and he responded in about 20 seconds so we're still in touch. It seems things had been going well right up until my company's CEO forced us to cancel our meeting. This guy is someone special and I doubt I'll meet anyone like him any time soon, but it wouldn't have worked out anyway so I'm not too devastated.

I've been busy and tired lately, wondering how I'll ever sustain this lifestyle of doing everything on my own. I'm trying to make my daughter the #1 priority but when you work full-time you also have to meet and exceed your employer's demands and still keep up with cooking, cleaning, errands, chores, etc... It still feels unfair to be so tired that I see double sometimes and to think my husband has total freedom to date, sleep, go to the gym, dine at fancy restaurants, etc..

One issue I've been struggling with is some friends and family members being offended that I've been too busy to respond to them quickly or to see them. I feel so terrible, so guilty, and yet I don't have a way to help them understand that I'm doing my best and really wish to see them if I could. I also received a mean accusatory text from my mother about remember my father's birthday and it made me think perhaps I sent similar texts to my husband due to learning such behavior from my mother and it's one of the factors that pushed him away (along with the other women who pulled him away).

Life is difficult. I'm still doing my best and trying to offer my daughter fun and educational activities every night and weekend but I wish someday to have a break even for a few hours. I've been getting a babysitter from time-to-time but just to have a babysitter come requires cleaning the apartment beforehand, cooking dinner, and being back by a certain time so it's not really a free pass.

I'll respond to your responses above as soon as possible. Thanks again everyone!

[Davide]

Good to hear from you Nicole!

I'm sure the anniversary must be hard. I hope you took some time for yourself to grieve, but also tried to do something fun or nice for yourself.

I understand keeping your expectations low, but I wouldn't write off the guy from work yet. Isn't he coming back to town at some point? I would just keep an open mind.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through this process as a single working parent, like so many of you here. I do think it is important to take some time for yourself each day. I know that carving out that time can feel impossible, but it is important to recharge your batteries and to check in with yourself emotionally. Regarding friends and family members, they must understand how difficult your situation is and how pressed for time you are. I would be honest with them about how hard it is for you and how you wish you could be in closer contact. If they can't accept that and are still offended, that's on them and they don't sound like people you need in your life right now.

Take care of yourself, and enjoy your time with your daughter.

[neffer]

You are doing well Nicole. Just keep moving forward. Remember your posts from the past...it´s getting better. Enjoy the ride N, enjoy D, keep moving forward.

[Jim1234]

Today is the 10th wedding anniversary for my husband and I. I never imagined I'd spend it alone like this. We had so many hopes, dreams, and so much love for those first six or seven years.

I'm sorry you have to be alone on this night. Do something nice for yourself.

I'm still disappointed by what happened with the guy I liked at work. ......This guy is someone special and I doubt I'll meet anyone like him any time soon,

You said things like "I'll never meet anyone like my husband" a few times, and after what, three months on your own, you met another guy you were attracted to? So it didn't work out. Give yourself a chance.
There will be others.

One issue I've been struggling with is some friends and family members being offended that I've been too busy to respond to them quickly or to see them. I feel so terrible, so guilty, and yet I don't have a way to help them understand that I'm doing my best and really wish to see them if I could.

You are doing the best you can. If they can't see that, then they have the problem, not you.

[NicoleR]

Hi everyone, I've been trying to find a chance to post for the past few weeks. There are no major changes here. It's challenging working full-time, trying to excel in my career while spending as much time with my daughter as humanly possible. Then there are all the errands, cooking, cleaning, etc.. and doing it all alone requires more strength than what I have sometimes.

My husband came a few weeks ago and when he left my daughter started crying terribly so I carried her out to the hall way to my husband as he was leaving. He turned around and he was crying too. He left again after a minute, then called to say his flight was delayed and he was coming back for a few more minutes. When he came back our daughter asked if he's going to live with us again and he said "I promise next year I'll be here." Now that could mean here in the same city or maybe he's open to moving back someday but obviously there's no way to know what he's thinking. After that night he seemed to feel a greater sense of attachment to our daughter and he's been calling more. He doesn't call to socialize with me but he's taking a greater interest in our daughter's life.

This weekend my husband is visiting. This morning we went for breakfast together, he, our daughter, and I. Now he's here setting up an early Christmas tree with our daughter.

About two weeks ago my husband called me one morning upset about a financial issue asking me what to do....it seems like when it comes down to serious issues he still calls me by default.

It's like we're living two separate lives but we're connected by just a thread.

I just don't know the end to this. It still seems everything is working in his favor. I've moved on as much as I feel is possible. It's a very lonely feeling at night but the one thing I've done is go to the office almost every day where I can socialize with colleagues and I have neighbors and friends visiting after work pretty much every day. Our weekends are full of activities but I feel burned out. It seems like just a beautiful dream that I once had a husband and very briefly a husband and daughter at the same time.

When my husband used to live with us he'd walk around the house eating apples and there'd always be apple seeds all over the floor. Last night after my husband left I stepped on an apple seed just like old times. I picked it up and set it aside. I'd normally be in tears over something like that, but I just felt numb. Maybe it's a sign of progress. A lot of time has passed now, but it seems like there'll be no major developments any time soon.

[PsySara]

What you're doing is so hard but worth it. If I may make some suggestions, you mention feeling burnt out, what would give the emotional recharging you need? Can your husband take your daughter for a week and...you know, parent? If you're not taking care of yourself then you're neglecting your child's primary caretaker. Your WH sounds like he still feels a connection to you, the fact that he calls you for advice is a good sign.

You say there are no major developments but it seems you've made your home a good place for you and your daughter. You WH has started coming to the home to see his DD and reestablish a connection. He is feeling the repercussions of being absent from her life and not liking it. For him to come to an eventual point where he feels the pain of his decisions then he will also have to come to the point of feeling safe to reconnect. A lot of these walk-aways don't come back because they fear having to pay the price for the rest of their life. Our job as the stable, healthy partner is to put our pain and need for justice aside and pave the way back. Walk-aways usually have narcissistic traits (at best and full blown personality at worst) so their egos are brittle. They can gain insight however, and eventually become strong enough to heal themselves.

You're doing great, just a bit of burn out. It's ok if your DD eats oce cream for dinner sometimes. It's ok if your evening activity is vegging on the coach and watching chic flicks while she plays on the floor with toys. Boundaries include telling your friends you can't make the meetup due to tiredness. Keep up the good work, you're doing great.

[Davide]

Nicole,

Good to hear from you again! It sounds like you are doing well. Like PsySara says make sure to take some time for yourself. Obviously you want to be a great mom and spend as much time with your daughter as you can, but to be the best mom you can be, you need to take care of yourself, recharge your batteries, do some fun adult things.

Your husband is still living far away right, in another city? Why is he calling you for financial advice? I would shut that down myself. That's on him at this point. Let him lead his life and fail on his own if that is what it comes to.

Stay in touch!