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I havent read everything. But be careful with using I understand as part of your validation. A lot of times, you might be listening and hearing, but understanding means more of bringing those feelings of hers into your own. And sometimes it isnt possible to truly understand until youve lived through whatever she might be saying. For example, my fianc has a very strained R with her dad - when she talks about how he disappointed her, I tell her I understand how you must be feeling but she tells me that I cant possibly understand because I dont have those same experiences. Its ok sometimes, but just be careful as it can be taken as invalidating.

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Not sure if you're into self-help books but there's a good one on validation called I Hear You by Michael Sorenson.

You can't really understand any other person, but you can identify and reflect the emotion they are trying to convey. "I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying. I lost my entire herd of cattle in a barn fire." Do you understand that? I don't. I mean I can picture it but have I ever been a farmer whose livelihood is derived from intact living animals? No. So it's more like, "I'm sorry to hear that, you must be devastated." Or maybe you're not sorry because you were playing with matches nearby and you suspect that the farmer thinks it's your fault. So more like, "How horrible! I'm sure anyone would feel despondent after going through something like that."

A prerequisite to validation is empathy, having a basic emotional vocabulary and sensitivity that allows you to discern the key feeling the other person is trying to convey. You can say exactly the right thing for offering condolences to someone whose beefers are all well done and they're sad about it. But if they're angry, or happy, and you validate the sadness that you think they're experiencing because that's what YOU would feel, you did it wrong.

Plus you have to be in the right state of mind. If you're emotional, you can't really sense the other person's emotions, and the whole thing becomes all about you again. And that's why you GAL.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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Originally Posted by burned
Not sure if you're into self-help books but there's a good one on validation called I Hear You by Michael Sorenson.

You can't really understand any other person, but you can identify and reflect the emotion they are trying to convey. "I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying. I lost my entire herd of cattle in a barn fire." Do you understand that? I don't. I mean I can picture it but have I ever been a farmer whose livelihood is derived from intact living animals? No. So it's more like, "I'm sorry to hear that, you must be devastated." Or maybe you're not sorry because you were playing with matches nearby and you suspect that the farmer thinks it's your fault. So more like, "How horrible! I'm sure anyone would feel despondent after going through something like that."

A prerequisite to validation is empathy, having a basic emotional vocabulary and sensitivity that allows you to discern the key feeling the other person is trying to convey. You can say exactly the right thing for offering condolences to someone whose beefers are all well done and they're sad about it. But if they're angry, or happy, and you validate the sadness that you think they're experiencing because that's what YOU would feel, you did it wrong.

Plus you have to be in the right state of mind. If you're emotional, you can't really sense the other person's emotions, and the whole thing becomes all about you again. And that's why you GAL.


I downloaded that book on Audible last week. Started listening to it but then my DR book showed up so I concentrated on reading through that. I was planning on pickup up where I left on in 'I Hear You' and will make it a priority to finish it before this next joint session.

Last edited by Wanted1; 10/16/18 09:22 PM.

M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
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Just be careful. I dont know if theres any way to avoid it, but she will probably notice how youre responding differently and may call you on it. Have a plan for how to respond. I realized that my listening skills werent what I wanted them to be, so Im working on them. See, when they ask why, keep the focus on you. Then they are less likely to perceive it as manipulative. Ideally she should see an improvement and think, Hey, hes become a neat guy, not sure if I want to pass on that.

But it takes time and dont feel bad if you botch it before you start getting it right.

Also keep in mind that you cant really win right now, so...another important component of this whole craziness is ZERO EXPECTATIONS. If youre satisfied with how you responded well to a woman who expressed her feelings, pat yourself on the back. You learned a new skill that will serve you in life. It should make no difference to you whether it had any effect on her.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 308
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I stumbled today and I'm ready for the 2x4s that come flying at me....

I texted this to my W today: "Is your mind completely made up? 100%"

Her response: "I don't know how to answer that. I've never once said to myself "I'm done listening to what he has to say and my mind is made up." That's why I've wanted us to take our time and act out of wisdom and not emotion. Do some self discovery and figure out why we've been where we were and evaluate how to move forward. I've been receiving and thinking deeply about everything you've said to me."

I then responded with a "Thank you so much."

So, can I get some input on how I should take this? Or if I should even believe it?

I have my first phone call with a DB coach tomorrow afternoon. So, I'm excited for that.


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
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Wow, another hit from the WW back catalog!

I dont know how to answer that. I got that one a few times. Along with, Im sorry, i cant answer that right now. And thinking deeply sounds like what I got about I dont take this lightly.

Asking that question is pursuit. Keep asking, and see if you like the answer you eventually get.

I didnt.


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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I don't see anything unreasonable about her response. Wouldn't it be smart to know why you got to this point? Acting out of wisdom sound smart to me too.

You thanking her for not saying she wanted a divorce just made you look weak. You might as well have said "Oh I am so relieved you aren't divorcing me! Thank you!". You should have just tried to understand her point, which was a good point IMO.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I don't see anything unreasonable about her response. Wouldn't it be smart to know why you got to this point? Acting out of wisdom sound smart to me too.

You thanking her for not saying she wanted a divorce just made you look weak. You might as well have said "Oh I am so relieved you aren't divorcing me! Thank you!". You should have just tried to understand her point, which was a good point IMO.


Well, I guess I considered it good news. Was hoping it wasnt wishful thinking or me seeing something that wasnt there. Hard to judge when its your sitch.

She was pretty freaking forthcoming with the rewritten history of our M and how terrible I was the entire duration of it in the joint therapy session we had. I just want hope which I guess this message gave me. Now whether or not her decision ends up leaving me is up to her and something I cant control. Im not going to lie, the response gave me a more positive attitude and helps me continue to be positive around her. The roller coaster was flying downhill pretty fast and made me pretty weak when I sent the initial text to her.

I agree, I sounded pretty damn weak in my response. Back 2 steps for me I suppose. Going to try to keep treading forward with DBs. Hopefully the coach tomorrow has good pointers to keep me on track.


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 330
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She makes sense, so id be pleased with that. You have time to work on yourself, validate her feelings when the situation calls for it, and to set goals for yourself. Use your time wisely.


Together:20 years
M:3 years
Me:40
WW:40
S15
A suspected:5/17
AC:5/18
BD:8/18
WW in full blown R w/ OM
Still under same roof
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Originally Posted by equalzr
She makes sense, so id be pleased with that. You have time to work on yourself, validate her feelings when the situation calls for it, and to set goals for yourself. Use your time wisely.


Very good advice. Thank you. I feel like Ive been given the GIFT of time instead of previously where the time was killing me. Ive come to appreciate it.

Not sure if my sitch is different since the BD was technically from me after I found the most recent affair. However, since then shes given me NO indications that shes willing to work on our M. In fact, pretty much the opposite. Especially on Monday when the therapist asked if my W was thinking about trying to work on it and her response was I dont see the point. Even with that, I feel like my best route moving forward is giving her her time and space, not go to her with my feelings and continue to obviously show her that Im working hard at becoming a better version of myself.

I presume everyone agrees with that?


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
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