Brave Little Gerda Gazes Into the Endless Tundra

[job]

I am glad to read that you finally called an abuse hotline. You are being abused emotionally and mentally day in and day out. What did the hotline suggest?

I'm going to be honest here and say that an order of protection may be granted, but in my area, one is only given if the party seeking the order fears for their life or have already been beaten and/or a threat of being beaten. You may have a difficult time of proving that he's someone you don't trust to be around because you aren't sure he'll take the abuse to the next level...but that is something you would need to discuss when you are seeking additional info on the order.

At this point in time, you need to be thinking of your mental and emotional state. Has it crossed your mind that he may be saying and doing the things he's doing to make his case look great, i.e., that you aren't capable of taking care of the children because of your mental and emotional state? It's crossed my mind a couple of times after reading a few of his responses to you.

Gerda, I realize you've got a lot going on, but you've got to get stronger and toughen up your skin because this man knows just what to do to push your buttons. You are not a mouse, shaking in your shoes. You are a grown woman, a strong woman who has a lot of passion for life and who needs to be strong not only for herself, but for her children. Dig deeper for that inner strength. It is there...you just have dig for it.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I am glad you called the hotline your situation sounds abusive.

I also agree with job, you’re not a timid mouse, you are a strong woman. Find that inner strength, I know it is there, you just need to find it.

In my opinion you and I have gotten along fabulously. Everything I have said has always had Gerda’s best interests at heart.

Focusing on you and your kids. Protecting you and your kids. It is difficult and so necessary.

I understand you do not want to divorce. I think you see the need to protect you and the kids. You have questions about the order of protection, and maximizing chances of custody. At the same time not having a strategy towards divorce, and having a strategy on how to respond to H and his divorce.

So some more “In Gerda’s Best Interest” advice. Get a lawyer. I do not want to sound like a broken record, nor do I want to push you away or in a direction you are not ready to go. I am hoping you can see some wisdom and value in this course of action, I think you already do.

With most empathy - you want to maximize your chances of 100% custody, having a L does that. They will know what is possible or not, what to produce as evidence and what would be detrimental and best to keep out. Your state could be like my area, 100% custody is almost impossible if you go to court. However, outside of court the two of you can agree to almost any arrangement. That is why I got the kids, W gave them up.

If that is the only way to get full custody you are going to need to know that and have an L to negotiate. This will sound uncaring, H may sign over custody for something, money, less alimony, whatever. Point is H is not going to tell you, your L and his L might just find a solution outside of court during the back and forth between them. Of course you can get answers about the order of protection also.

Gerda, I would much rather have you at the end of this say “see I told you I didn’t need a lawyer”, than wish you had one. In my opinion the chances of H agreeing to favourable terms is low.

I hope I am not out of line. I do believe that good friends can have these difficult discussions. Besides I would feel terrible if I didn’t speak up to a good friend and give my honest opinion to help with them gathering the facts to make a decision.

I am available for you. If you need, ask, vent, agree, disagree, whatever you need. This is all for you and kids, and your best possible outcome.

DnJ

[Gerda]

DnJ and Job, thank you for this. I don't have the money to pay for a lawyer. Even if I were to sell my house, that would be money coming a long time from now. I would gladly have a lawyer if I had the money. I am trying to find one through the abuse route but so far no luck.

[job]

Gerda,

Do you have any family that could assist you? Keep searching through the abuse channel about lawyers. The people who are instrumental in helping abuse victims should have someone that you can contact.

[Gerda]

Thanks, Job, as ever, for your care. I don't have any family that could assist. So far from what I have learned from calling some legal hotlines and reading up on the court's sites and other sites, the judges do not care about emotional abuse except as it affects the kids. I can't prove emotional abuse there. If we go to trial, it could probably play into the final decisions. I have reached out to my church community and will keep trying to find a way to get more advice and counsel even if I can't actually retain a lawyer.

[Gerda]

Today I had the very surreal experience of visiting the domestic abuse center in my city. I kept asking the intake person, what if a judge does not agree that it's abuse, and I was all teary. When I told her about some of the things H has done/said, especially the financial stuff, she just kept saying, "Yes, you need to see a counselor."

It was so surreal. I kept thinking it was a weird movie about someone else, I kept remembering how H was before and wondering what the real H would say about this person I was now telling the intake counselor about.

Then spent the evening dealing with my son's nightly panic attack. I always get him calmed down but he is so scared all the time of losing me. I am finally considering accepting the psychiatrist's desire to give him medication for his anxiety but I am petrified. It goes against everything I believe, but I am just so alone in this, I can't seem to do all I would need to do to attack the anxiety via all the natural methods.

But overall I am actually okay though so extremely overwhelmed with work and how little time I have to do it because my kids are so needy and I have to spend so much time preparing for the court date. Really what I need most of all is someone to come and take care of my kids so I can just get my work done! There is no one in my life to do that.

My son needs me around all the time, it's hard to focus on my work (even though it's mostly on line) with this yawning need.

But mostly I am grateful God has kept me here so I can take care of them through this.

Just keeping on walking, trusting God to untangle this knot somehow or other.

This post sounds kind of pathetic but I am mostly okay.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I am glad to hear you visited a domestic abuse center. I am sure that one of their counsellors will provide clarity and insight for you. It is an unfortunate state of society that there is so much abuse and therefore people with so much experience in dealing with it.

I understand you have some concerns towards medication for son’s anxiety. I would encourage you to accept the psychiatrist’s recommendation and trust in his / her professional opinion. I do like the natural approach, however sometimes an engineered solution is a better idea.

It is nice to hear you are ok, even with being so very busy.

You are correct, this knot will get untangled somehow or other. Keep moving forward girl, you’re doing fine.

DnJ

[kml]

Then spent the evening dealing with my son's nightly panic attack. I always get him calmed down but he is so scared all the time of losing me.

Does he have any other OCD symptoms? Anxiously perseverating on a thought like that can be a sign of OCD. Treatment of OCD might be slightly different (checking for strep antibodies, supplements like 5-HTP or drugs that raise serotonin levels).

[Gerda]

More proof that I lost most of my detachment -- I just got a call from an accountant I used long ago saying he has a strange e-mail from H, asking for our 2015-17 taxes. I am just filing 2017 taxes now, which he knows because I had to keep asking him for his W2 and the exchange caused a mean e-mail from him.

I am sure he's just doing it because his gross lawyer needs it for the first appearance or something but the thought of it just made me practically go into convulsions. The thought of him working so hard to make this D happen when he won't even take out the trash or buy the kids an apple all this time. I spent all morning dealing with our tax problems and my other lawsuit after the usual struggle to get my S to school, and then I finally got a chance to sit down and work and got that call and just went into a panic. Have been sitting here reading my Joshua 1:9 over and over again, trying to give my H to God, but I am able to see that I am still in total terror.

What am I so afraid of? I think most of all I am afraid he will have the kids overnight. I am so scared of that. I think they will both be having panic attacks instead of just one.

Then secondly I am afraid he will force the sale of our home.

I am afraid of this evil that has taken even more powerful hold of our lives, I feel like we are swimming in it, his voracious desire to destroy our family unit.

This fear is so toxic.

But so many things have happened that I did fear before that it's hard to put it out of my mind by saying, "Who knows what will happen?" All I can do (besides whatever I can to fight it of course) iis try to accept that these horrible things might come to pass and that I have to trust God to hold my hand through it.

I don't read so much here on these boards about people with my type of sitch -- where the MLC'er is totally out of his mind yet does want the kids. Seems like the worst ones abandon ship, leaving the spouse with the kids. But maybe I am wrong. I can't seem to banish this consuming fear of him taking them and of imagining them being afraid and sad without me, even just for one night!

[job]

Gerda,

What I am about to post is not to upset you or scare you, but I am trying to get you to a place where you aren't always afraid and operating from that place of fear and panic because you are too close to the situation and can't always see what we see. Also, are you on any meds for panic/anxiety? If not, you may want to think about that.

What he has asked of the accountant is par for the course. He needs those documents to show the income, as well as taxes paid. It is nothing to be upset about...this is a very normal request. The only thing that I would be concerned about is that your ID number is on them. I would ask the accountant to black out your ID number so that he can't use it down the road on some other document.

Also, his behavior is right on target for someone in crisis. All they care about is divorce and setting themselves free. They think that life is a bed of roses once the divorce is over and done with...but it isn't and he will discover this down the road. As for the children, I honestly do not think he actually wants to take care of them. I think he's pushing this custody issue to hurt you. He knows that you love those kids and would do anything for them. I don't know a lot about your h, but many of them use the kids/custody as a bargaining chip to get what they want. Also, if he does happen to get custody, he's going to look for you to pay child support to him. More money in his pocket if full custody takes place.

Right now, you have to find the peace and calm that you have in other areas. You need to take a huge, deep breath and start thinking clearly. He knows that he's got you right where he wants you, i.e., in panic and nervous mode. He knows just what buttons to push and I hope that I am wrong, but he may even be thinking of presenting you as an unfit mother who is emotionally and mentally unstable. Gerda, it is now time to pull those big girl panties up and start standing your ground and show this man that you aren't going to be standing there shaking in those panties.

He is nothing more than a bully who knows how to get to you. He is thriving on your fear. Do not show him that fear, do not let him see you sweat! Gerda, God is there to help you, but he also wants you to use the tools that he has provided to you and continues to provide each and every day. He is working behind the scenes, but he needs you to do some of the heavy lifting and needs you to put that fear aside, as the devil is most certainly playing his trump cards right now w/your h.

Do not think for one minute that your h will soften towards you. Right now, he is fighting for his freedom and he wants all of the money that he can get and that even includes selling the home and fighting for custody. In order to have a fighting chance, you need to detach and get your backbone straight and start thinking with your head and not your heart. This situation is now a business deal that has gone sour and you need to get stronger and look at him as a business partner who is trying to take you to the cleaners. I know you are scared to death, but you can't allow him to win before you even get a chance to speak to a judge.