Newbie who is a mess

[Sansa]

So it is 1:30am and I cant sleep, last time I posted was after my H and I had Sex for the first time in a few months and I was warned not to get too attached and I kept my distance, to make a long story short, the day after he went away for an overnight trip that he invited me and my sister on but we backed out because she had a bad cold. He called me when he got to the hotel and texted me later in the day to see if my S hooked up with the guy from the other night, we joked a bit, and the next day he came home early. Took my S and I out to dinner before she flew home, he had a stomach virus so I left him be in bed but we did snuggle a few times in the last few days but I almost felt protective of myself because i didn’t want to seem needy. He did seem less affectionate ,

We had 2nd therapy session last thursday and it went ok , our therapist gave us homework, to read a few chapters in a book called hold me tight. We had a call tonite with our son in boarding school and he is rebelling being there and wants to come home and our conversations with him are tough and we are trying to hold a boundary with him and that he cant come home till he graduates in May. My S seems to take his anger out on my H more than me but in any case it has been hard on all of us as a family having him away. Went out for a bite, and my H and I struggled to talk, which has been a thing, communication is hard for us both and now that our S is gone we realized how much of our conversations were about him. It is sad, and there is def a void. We both try. Any hoo he told me that he was going to see the doctor tomorrow because he had been having chest pains and i asked him why he didnt tell me and he said he didnt want to upset me...which upset me. Once again ....no communication, then he got teary eyed and I asked him what was wrong and he said it was the 20th annniversary of his brothers death,,,another long story, in the last few months I have seen my H tear up a lot , he is more emotional than usual and I’m wondering if his dads decline in health and our son leaving home to boarding school and his brothers death are all bringing up stuff for him, hence his MLC. I dont know, but he has a lot of the symptoms......we had had a few drinks and were walking home and we stopped to get dessert or so I thought and when the waitress took our order he ordered another cocktail...i think it was his 4th of the night...which worries me also, I know he is stressed out but he seems to be drinking more than usual.

then I cant remember how but we talked about his one co worker whose wife and kids saw him come out of a strip club and he was laughing and I thought it was not funny considering this poor family and the fact that in the past my H has gone to strip clubs, it was yrs ago but I only found out because of a receipt in his coat pocket, we got into it and I said i would you think it was funny if our son saw you coming out of a strip club and what if you saw youre dad coming out of one and he told me his Grandpa took his dad to a SC when he was younger, and he was laughing and I was getting angrier, maybe I was too uptight but I just thought it was insensitive. I said are you going to take our S to a strip club since you think its so funny, and he got pissed and we walked home in silence, got into bed and there is probably 5 ft between us. I feel like just throwing in the towel, i cant stand the emotional and physical distance between us, and not knowing in general...he holds all the cards, i know i know,,,i need to not let it affect me and keep GAL and i have been last weekend I went our Fri and SAt with friends and he stayed home. This is so hard. I know I should be happy he is going to MC but I’m not sure if his heart is in it, almost feel like he wanted to start a fight with me tonite. I cant win in any case, this has a lot more to do with him and what he is going through than with me, YES we have communication problems and resentment and dissapointment built up over the years but he is not the same person, there are times when he is fine but it kills me that he wont say ILY or tell me things like hes been having chest pains. I think he is depressed and going through a MLC. It has been since May that he told me he was unhappy and since Aug when the Dbomb was dropped and I dont know if I can do this much longer, I feel like im walking on eggshells when he is around, im detaching but this is horrible, im wide awake in bed and tears r running down my face and he is snoring away without a care in the world.

[Rose888]

Have you read about 180s? If emotional closeness and better communication is your goal, there are some obvious 180s you could do that would probably improve things.

Your husband opened up to you about a scary physical symptom, and you seem to have made the conversation all about why he didn't tell you sooner. This would have been a good tome to validate his feelings and thank him for communicating with you.

If you get upset every time he shares with you, you are actually discouraging future communication. (I had to learn this too.)

And then you get angry with him because he shares something he thinks is funny. I don't like strip clubs either, but was this the moment to make that point? Your husband had a rough call with your son, he's worried about his health, he was drinking. Was this a typical response for you? If so, how could you 180 your response to things you don't think are funny.

My communication 180s were a big part of the work I did on me, so I saw firsthand how much I could improve our communication by changes I made.

You can do this!

[Sansa]

Thanks Rose888,
After sleeping on it and then reading you’re post I can see where you have some good points. The last thing I want is to cut off communication with my H. I think when he said he didnt want to upset me IT upset me because when my S was having problems at times I could not handle it and in turn my H and my S tried to keep things from me in fear of upsetting me. We have since talked about it in therapy and I regret it and apologized. Hearing him say it last night felt like a trigger. I cant do anything about it now, except be more open. Thanks for youre advice , I appreciate it!

[Sansa]

So H just walked in the house after walking the dogs and apologized to me for last night ending the way it did. I apologized too and asked him about his doctors appt today. We talked for about 20 minutes in the kitchen before he jumped in the shower to get ready for work. I am grateful that he apologized because this could have easily turned into a loooong lonely week. I am exhausted from no sleep last night and worrying myself, I know I can sometimes be my worst enemy. But I will take the lessons I learned and keep moving forward.

[Sansa]

Just a quick update, the H and I went to our 4th MC session and as much as I was dreading it, I am realizing that my H has been emotionally unavailable and not letting me in in some big areas of his life. It has been validating for me and empowering. When he dropped the DB back in mid August, he blamed me for not being there for him, didnt have enough sex, depressed etc, and now that we are dissecting the way we communicate, (interpret our communication),or lack of, I realized my H is pretty shut down and has not let me in, cant express himself and some things he just wont talk about.
Anyhoo we have homework and are reading a book called “hold me tight”, therapist recommended it and it has been an eye opener.

My H has been traveling and while away I went to visit my S at his BS. Yesterday my H called me from the hospital( he is in another country) and was jumped late at night and has injuries that make it not possible for him to fly home for the next 2-6 weeks. I know this is kinda messed up on my part but I kept thinking “karma”. I was telling my sister I wish I could see the videotape, it would be therapeutic and satisfying to see him smacked around. I know im bad but I’m human and he put me through hell these last 6 months.

Other than that I’ve been GAL, going to my Spanish class and a few other activities. H still hasn’t said he loves me but has kissed me hello and good bye and we still snuggle in bed. We still are doing things together and he still buys me gifts but cant read him. Some days he gives more attention to the dogs than me and other days he doesnt even ask how I am doing. I have days where I honestly feel like I will be ok if we split up. I know not to say or do anything big when I am emotional, in all honesty it would be easier to bail than do all the work in MC. Also just forgiving him and having to start trusting him all over again. Just thinking about it makes me tired. So thats it. Been awhile since I posted, hope everyone is doing well.

[Sansa]

H is still in Over seas and is flying home Sunday and is on the mend but still sore from broken rib and stab wound. My S18 visited over TGing and was bummed about his Dad being a no show, but we still had a great time visiting relatives and putting up the Christmas tree. He is in a good place and for that I am grateful.

It has been a reprieve having the H away and not in the house, at times I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him. I thought him getting stabbed would be a wake up call and maybe the experience would elicit some deep emotions or epiphanies from him,but if they have he hasn’t shared them with me. The most he has said is he is sorry for “ putting me through all of this.” Not sure if that means also blaming me for all of his unhappiness or just holding the fort down while he is MIA. He has no problem telling me to tell our son he loves him and to kiss the dogs for him. In MC I said I wanted him to share his heart with me, I needed more connection with him, and he just can’t or won’t want to do it. He still won’t say he loves me or misses me...haven’t seen him in a month....the most he said was he was really bummed he wasn’t going to be with us for TGing. He did call me “Baby”, one day when he FaceTimed me. I guess I should be happy he throws me some crumbs here and there. I feel myself wanting to say FU and meet with a DA,and having some control over things and get off this ride but I know I will be mad at myself if I don’t finish with MC.I just feel like hurting him back especially now that he is down and because he has hurt me so much and still acts like he could take me or leave me. It has done a number on my self esteem, some days I know I will be ok. The thing that worries me is I’m not sure the man I married is coming back.,and I am tired of feeling so alone, and afraid of getting hurt again.
I am finding myself over these last few months( sorry for the bad cliche). Still tutoring and actually speaking more Spanish! Planning some trips etc....I’ve been reading all the posts here and they have been very helpful and I have been keeping you all in my prayers. I know I really don’t have any real news but just needed to vent today. Some days I think I have come so far and other days I think nothing has changed between me and my H. Sigh.

[neffer]

But you are getting stronger as time goes by. Keep working on yourself, keep detaching. Control expectations, your H is on his own road now. You can’t sit waiting for him. Stand for yourself and start walking your road.

¿Así que estás hablando más en español? Entonces haremos algunas pruebas más adelante. Ánimo!

You wait for no one Sansa. Keep working, keep DB.

[Sansa]

Gracias NFR!
Estoy confundido y muy preocupado pero tengo hope. Just some days are better than others,,,def not in the same awful place as back in August when DB was dropped. Planning a a two week Spanish immersion class with my teacher in March to Oaxaca...never thought I would be doing something like this but excited. Mi amiga de Argentina,hope to go there with her some day. Thanks for you’re straight talk & encouragement.i

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Sansa, you don't have to have "news" to post. If you are bummed and need to talk, post away.

How often do you talk to you H?

I have days where I honestly feel like I will be ok if we split up. I know not to say or do anything big when I am emotional, in all honesty it would be easier to bail than do all the work in MC.

Me too. Not just days, sometimes just moments too. I try to not get too caught up in them. I wonder if I'm going to regret sticking it out.

[Sansa]

Ovrrnbw... if it makes you feel any better, my therapist said if you don’t stick it out and try everything possible to save you’re marriage it will always bother you, haunt you, in a sense. I dreaded going to MCing but I’m so glad I did because I am realizing my H has issues and communicating his feelings in general. It has been a big eye opener and a good self esteem boost because I felt like everything was my fault because I got depressed last year. When he dropped the db, he blamed me for many things and now low and behold he is seeing and hopefully realizing his was of communicating his feelings to me was non existent. It rarely is one persons fault for the breakdown of a relationship. I hope if you can hang on,you will see progress. I know my sitch took a long time to get this difficult, I am praying for patience.