That is fine to have that as a goal. DB'ing is probably your best chance of saving the marriage.
If you don't want to accept that you "sometimes" save it and "sometimes" don't, you're just delusional.
There is no magic potion. It takes two people for the R to work, and you only get to control yourself. You aren't beyond saving it either, so relax. You are in panic mode, I get that. Now you need to try to think rationally and get a hold of yourself, for your marriage's sake if you won't do it for yourself.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks... thirty one years.... hard to just see it get tossed aside.
I don't want to accept failing. I want to do everything I can legally under the sun to succeed. Except two things. I won't do those willingly and that is divorce and separation. Willingly... dragged into it is another story.
Is that better and more rational?
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Still in a 'panic' mode. Seems today is going to be a down slope on the roller coaster. Putting effort into fighting that. Binge eating a pint of frozen custard ain't happening so the diet and exercise efforts are safe.
Have been unable to sleep properly for way to long to remember. Years at this point. Stress, age, who knows what. This certainly doesn't help.
When I do wake up in the middle of the night my mind is going full speed. Missing W beside me... I still sleep only on my side of the bed. I wonder if I should get rid of it. Or at least take it apart. We have another bed in the house... Yeah... not rational and panic driven.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
T, just take a step back. Take a deep breath. Find ways to cope with your fear. Your fear will cause you to do things that are counter-productive. That is bad.
For me when I was scared, fearful, in full panic mode, I turned to prayer. Not sure if you are spiritual or not, but that helped me in 80% of the cases.
In the 20% of cases where it didn't help I did things that were counter-productive. This set my sitch back. My sitch turned around fairly quickly (~ 3 months). I think my setbacks set us back at least 2 weeks, maybe longer. I did some bad things until I found this forum.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Exercise and returning to Church have been helping. That includes prayer on a much greater frequency than before BD. Wife doesn't know. Why should she since prayer should be private and personal with God. Besides my returning to Church and God, while inspired in great part by her, are for me.
I haven't acted on most counterproductive thoughts. I recognize them for that. Doing harm to her stuff for example. If I take her pictures down, I handle them like I would my own. I even got new license plate screws for her car because the ones there are rusted. It bothers me, so I want to fix that.
Maybe some OCD issues here. I like things to be right, taken care of etc. That runs in the family to various degrees. Might be upbringing too. Not important... ? IDK since it might be annoying to her. Hmmm... need to tighten up the loose ends on this.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
I am not. I believe bunch of this is from the stress, not just from W and the BD. I also believe it would help a great deal if this were to become working on reconciliation and the MR rather than continuing toward D. Takes two and I can only work on me by myself. Hopefully she notices and makes the change in mindset too.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
