I know it hurts... and the unknown future is scary for sure.
Keep in mind the only person you can control is yourself. Keep your dignity and moving forward. I get how if feels like you are wearing shoes of cement right now.
Lots of success stories.... but remember individual results may vary... ;-)
All hope is NOT lost because a spouse files for D. Remember your spouse is most likely hurting too. I think that is the most difficult thing for people on this board to accept. A spouse that leaves or walks out is often doing so out of desperation that they are feeling stifled or unheard.
DB is a great book for sure - helped me far better than a marriage counselor who in 10min told me there was no point to continue to waste her time it was over (yeah... even my H said what a piece of work as she couldn't know either one of us or our issues in 10min... he shared that with me after we recon our M.)
I can't stress enough though that there are other amazing books out there. One that will open your eyes to the I love you but phenomenon to help you see both sides. You need to look at your R through your H's eyes. Right now you are still in panic mode to do anything to save your M but you really need to look at yourself... learn about yourself... what makes you tick... what are your strong points... what areas need work... what you find joy in each day. You need to take the focus off your H and focus on yourself.
Had a good night w H lastnight when he dropped kids off. Talked a bit / cordial / friendly.
Tonight he calls to let me know he got a promotion to motorcycle unit at work and he is going out of state for the week oct 15-19. He has the kids 18 and 19 which I already committed to work and take my boards for my RN (which is a huge deal). It’s like my life doesn’t matter and it’s all about his selfish little world. I need to do everything for the kids and he can just live this “bachelor” lifestyle. I mentioned he’s going to miss the kids dr appt that week and his response was “it [censored] im missing a wedding that Friday too”. Really ?? A friends wedding we were supposed to goto together !! He then brings up an annual cookout we goto together every year he wants to bring the kids to a day he has them. Doesn’t he realize it hurts to hear this ? He then has the nerve to say he’s going to try to take the weekend before and after training off like I’m just going to hand the kids over to him when he’s free. Sorry we have plans !
Being the nice guy has gotten me nowhere. I DB and he starts to come around and show positive changes/ gets my hopes up but then he shows selfishness the next day. It’s exhausting. I want to give up but I’ll do anything to make my M work I want my husband back and think of him every moment of the day. Feeling sick over this. I feel like he’s in “Cop” mode and trained to show NO emotion. I ask him stuff and his response is always “I don’t know.” It’s so frustrating. I think he’s scared to come back and for things to go back to the way they were in the past.
How is he just off getting promotions and socializing like my life isn’t falling apart and he’s ruining our family right now??
You do not know he is doing so great in life, he told you about a promotion and you are mind reading the rest. It is generally accepted that the WAS is in as much pain if not more than us, but who knows right, what gives if everybody is just in pain and there is no happiness for any of us? Yes, it $ucks, all of it, his bachelor life style, his abandonment, the irresponsible immature choices but can you change any of it? You are dealing with a man child.
Either way does it matter, his promotion, his success, his social life, none of them have any relevance to your own. Well promotion and more money could mean more in child support if at all it comes to that. In the meantime, how are you improving your own, how are you taking your life to the next level? What are you going to do differently that there is a remarkable improvement in your quality of life in a month, in 2 months and 6 months down the lane? It could be as simple as enjoying yourself more with your friends, investing more in your kids, exercising more often or even reading a few more books. Whatever makes MamaB the best she can be for herself and for the people who still really love her and cherish her.
Do something for yourself today, ruminating and grieving is inevitable I know, but find some time out of it to just enjoy the life you still have. We are all here for you , hugs.
Thank you for that. I do a good job I would say doing stuff for myself (when I’m not taking care of the kids). He had them today and I worked , went for a run , and showered in peace.
I just feel so discouraged. I know you say sometimes the WAS feels pain but it certainly does not seem that way. Since the day he BD he just seemed cold , distant, and emotionless. He literally is tearing our family apart and shows no remorse. That’s what it hardest for me to accept. After 6 years together and two innocent babies it’s like he is completely moved on and happier without me.
I caved and sent him a long email (not begging) but basically saying how he needs to respect me enough to sit down and talk to me and communicate and not just run away. Every time I try to talk to him he closes down and runs. It’s impossible to get anywhere with him and I just feel so anxious he’s drifting further and further away and don’t know why he can’t look me in the eye sit down and have an adult conversation!! He acts like if we get divorced all the problems are going to magically disappear and the elephant in the room will be gone. NOT!!
Soo my husband gets the babies two days a week. EVERY time he has them he immediately runs to his mothers house with them (not his apartment that has kids stuff there). He is almost 40 years old and spends every waking moment with his mother. Seems so bizarre to me. She is not a nice person and I feel like she has a lot to do with this mess. Anyone see this with MLC men ?? I feel like he just wants a babysitter while he sits on his butt but who knows. Don’t understand why he can’t be on his own with his kids.
Husband just dropped kids off. I nicely asked if he read the email I wrote him and he didn’t want to reply ? And he sed no. I sed ok any reason why? I don’t know. He has SO much anger towards me and I have no idea why. He is the one who left us. He did this and caused all this pain why does he act like he hates me suddenly !?!
Soo my husband gets the babies two days a week. EVERY time he has them he immediately runs to his mothers house with them (not his apartment that has kids stuff there). He is almost 40 years old and spends every waking moment with his mother. Seems so bizarre to me. She is not a nice person and I feel like she has a lot to do with this mess. Anyone see this with MLC men ?? I feel like he just wants a babysitter while he sits on his butt but who knows. Don’t understand why he can’t be on his own with his kids.
Because he's replaced you with his mother. I was a SAHD but my WAW/WW now has her parents doing all the chores and childcare.
Quote
has SO much anger towards me and I have no idea why. He is the one who left us. He did this and caused all this pain why does he act like he hates me suddenly !?!
Because it's the easy option for him to blame you rather that accept any responsibility.
Need some advice .... I was doing really well DBing. GAL staying busy with the kids and genuinely happy most of the time.
Lately H has been more friendly around me than usual. Bringing me coffee every time he picks up the kids. He called me in the middle of a night out to ask to borrow something out of the shed (he knew I was out but not where or with who). Also he’s been sending random messages not about the kids.
I caved and tried something different by writing him a hand written letter basically apologizing for not seeing how unhappy he was ...memories of us ...and hopes I have for our family and that he can discuss anything with me he needs to.
He is at training this week for work and texted randomly how hard the training was and how he thought he was going to fail the course. Isn’t this something you would text a wife !? He still refuses to discuss M with me and hasn’t acknowledged the letter. My therapist believes due to his PTSD/ trauma any “emotional” talk causes him excess anxiety and he reverts almost to a child hood state and shuts down. I don’t know where to go from here. I woke up with a panic attack lastnight. I miss him so much. Going on 5 months now and all I want is for him to come home. Don’t know if I need a different approach due to a possible MLC/ trauma H. No idea how to get him to open up and actually discuss our future no matter where we are heading.
Still no evidence of a Affair. I honestly think it’s more of a break down / overwhelm situation dealing with his trauma and a new baby to the mix. Why is he sending these mixed messages though ? Do you buy coffee and randomly text someone you hate and want to divorce ??
I’m sorry you are going through this horrible time, I feel youre pain as I am going through it myself although my sitch is somewhat different. But like you I think my H is going through a MLC, and is giving me mixed messages, I have made myself physically ill trying to make sense of it, but I found the best thing to do was to give my H a lot of space and try to GAL. I know its hard, that it feels like you have lost you’re anchor in life, and that YOU have to wait for him to wake up, grow up, see all the mess he has made and then come to his senses. The waiting and the not knowing are the worst. I have been journaling and trying to reach out here to people on the newcomers feed. It helps to know that I am not alone. It sounds like youre H is reaching out to you in tiny ways and I could see that it gives you some hope but also confuses you...my H did the same thing and slowly it seems like things are not as bad as a few months ago, but I would back off, no more letters, asking questions. I agree with what Steve85 said, how do you expect answers from someone who is confused himself. I think when my H sees that I am moving on and doing life with out him, he feels less pressure and I feel more safe to be around because I’m not placing all of my happiness in him. What I am learning and suprised by is that when I go out with friends, take a new class, journal, take a walk etc, I am making myself happy and nurturing myself which is great, and beats sitting around perseveration get all day. If he decides to stay in the M great, that is my hope, but if not I will feel good about taking care of myself and helping myself to move on. Please be good to yourself, you are worth it!
