Thank you everyone. I waited all day for the kids to FaceTime and finally called at 415 pm. He should have just been leaving work but I noticed he was outside at some sort of festival. I caved and sed “aren’t you working?” And he responded that he took the day off and I sed nothing. Without me asking he immediately said he was with his cousin and her husband. I had my daughter wish him a happy birthday and told her right away ok say bye to daddy.
Now I’m in a funk thinking he is out without me / us on his bday having a great time while I’m home cleaning and bathing the kids. My mind wonders if he’s with a date or if he’s enjoying being the third wheel with his cousin. Uhh [censored]
So, what are you going to do? You are going to get busy. You are going to focus on yourself. You are going to pour your energy into doing some helpful reading, going for a walk, doing an art and craft project with your D, start keeping a gratitude journal.
You are going to move in the other direction AND rather than you wondering what he is doing he might start to think what are YOU doing.
Remember, there is nothing you can do to MAKE him come home but you can easily MAKE him not want to.
Look, we all cave to do things we shouldn't. This is a process. Pick yourself up and move forward and try to take yourself out of pursuit mode.
How did you "notice" he was at some festival? Snooping? Sounds like anti-detaching. That's part of why you caved and pursued, asking him what he is doing. Yes he is out without you. You should be doing that too.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I noticed he was out because of FaceTime. I shouldn’t have asked about work but I had a moment of weakness.
Soo this morning he picks up the kids for his visit and brings me a coffee and my fav donuts and the mortgage check without asking. It’s so frustrating. Mixed messages. Hard to tell if he is finally coming around.
Oh my dear it’s hard to see our own sitches I know. If I understand it correctly he’s guilty and he wants to make himself feel better so he brings you the donuts. It’s just crumbs served to you for his self interest. Have the coffee and donuts and don’t read too much into it. I hope for your children’s sake he is coming around but sorry it really doesn’t seem like it
Have you read any of kech's threads? I brought this up before. She is asking the SAME questions and has lots of great answers and posters. Go read her threads! I think it would be awesome if you both could reply to one another also. When you read and give advice to someone in a similar sitch, it forces you to look at your own sitch and actions. Teaching can benefit a teacher more than a learner, and DBing is no different.
In a nutshell, no, I do not see any signs of him wanting to R. As sia said, these are just bread crumbs. He is most likely securing you as a back up plan if his other plans don't work out. Or he may be acting kind to absolve some guilt. You cannot read into their actions or mindread. It doesn't work. When they want to come back, you will sense it and know in your gut. There will be a shift in behavior, remorse, vulnerability, honesty, and a commitment to change. They will start putting your needs first. It also will be consistent actions over time. Random acts of kindness or coldness are essentially meaningless in terms of their intentions, because they are not focused on you anymore, they are thinking of themselves. And the more they know you are sitting and waiting, the less likely they are to want to come back. Its twisted.
This can take a long time so patience is key. I know how hard it is. I'm sorry, it's the worst pain. But you are grasping at straws. If you read other sitches, you will see patterns of what this looks like. Waywards demonstrated similar behaviors. It can take several months or even years for them to turn around. Many never do. Often you have to let them go and they need to go off on their own journey. In the mean time, you can focus on healing and make yourself the better option.
Blu
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“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You can start here, and keep reading, there are many threads. You will find that she is asking all the same questions and has the same concerns; it's a lot, but well worth your time!!!
Thank you BluWave. I did read her posts and I feel her situation is very similar due to our age / young children.
I’m having a really hard time. I’m doing the best I can DBing. Studying to take my RN boards , yoga , hiking , looking great ect.
I’m getting discouraged for the fact my husband actually filed for D. He filed and held on a month to the papers to serve me. Are there any success stories where a divorce was actually dismissed ?? Also , the less R talks I just feel him drifting further away. I feel like I’m at a breaking point I just want to scream and be honest and say look is D what you really want ?? He was over for dinner lastnight and things are so happy / normal when we are together it just doesn’t seem real / right.
Last thing , I’m almost done with reading divorce remedy. I know it’s a big no no here but I feel like the book would be beneficial for him to read ? Atleast the first half. It has a lot of great advice about marriage / divorce in general. Almost like therapy without going to therapy. I highlighted stuff that could open his eyes a little no matter what happens with us. Still a no no?
Yes, there are success stories where the divorce was withdrawn. Gordie is my favorite.
Screaming is probably not a good way to get your point across. If you're at a breaking point, you need to deal with your emotions and decide what you want to do. Him having a normal dinner is great...for him. He gets to enjoy the life he wants with you without the commitment.
The book might be beneficial for him to read, but do not show it to him. Cadet posts that on the first page. It's for you, not him. If he cared, he'd have found the book, same as you. I highlighted stuff too back in April, thinking if my WW just reads this, she'll change her mind. Yea, no. Not happening. That's pressure, that's pursuit.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
