Don't share a lot of details with others. If people ask then just tell them the two of you are going through some difficulties but are working on it. Don't say anything more than that. Some nosy people will of course press for more, just tell them you don't want to talk about it beyond that. Some people mean well and others are just gossips but regardless, anything you tell people WILL get back to your H so it's best not to say anything so he doesn't think you're "rallying the troops" against him. I had a coworker who left his W, she had their minister call him, she called the office and talked to his boss and asked him to intervene, she talked to his family, etc. etc. It all just completely outraged him and made him more resolute than ever that she was crazy and he needed her gone ASAP. THAT is what rallying the troops (whether intentional or not) does to a WAS, it just drives them farther away.
Don't share a lot of details with others. If people ask then just tell them the two of you are going through some difficulties but are working on it. Don't say anything more than that. Some nosy people will of course press for more, just tell them you don't want to talk about it beyond that. Some people mean well and others are just gossips but regardless, anything you tell people WILL get back to your H so it's best not to say anything so he doesn't think you're "rallying the troops" against him. I had a coworker who left his W, she had their minister call him, she called the office and talked to his boss and asked him to intervene, she talked to his family, etc. etc. It all just completely outraged him and made him more resolute than ever that she was crazy and he needed her gone ASAP. THAT is what rallying the troops (whether intentional or not) does to a WAS, it just drives them farther away.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS
Every person you confide in is one more hurdle he will need to get over to come back to the MR. You want to try to clear that path for him if and when he decides that is what he wants.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I texted him about his birthday asking if he had plans. He said Yes he’s going to dinner with his mother and her fiancé. I said “Oh fun I was going to see if you wanted to come for dinner and (our daughter) was going to make you a cake” He responded We don’t have plans Sunday. (He has the kids Sunday and Monday ) I asked if he wanted to do it then and he sed Yes. Kind of shocked. He has had a huge wall up and usually makes excuses. This will be the first time he’s spent time at the house in a long time. Any advice for me ?? Obviously no relationship talk just try to stay positive - upbeat ?
Also , about 30 min later he randomly texted me telling me I should watch this new tv show he thinks I would like it. Very random for him to be texting me anything besides the kids. Maybe DB is working a little. Only time will tell. Feels a little good to know he actually thought about me for once. Perhaps his bday is making him sentimental.
Why did you invite him over for dinner? That's a great idea to have D make him a cake, maybe even help her pick out a present for him. But you shouldn't invite him over for dinner, that smacks of pursuit and desperation. It also lets him know you are firmly on the hook as Plan B which is not where you want to be! But if the plans are already made then yes, no R talks. Dress nice, show him what he is missing. Be positive and upbeat and talk about nothing you wouldn't talk to a casual neighbor about.
As for the random text, on stuff like that the rule is sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour or two later, and sometimes not at all. The idea is you are too busy to reply to all his petty texts.
Having a rough morning. It’s his Birthday today. All birthday memories from the past came up on my social media memories. I always would make him an amazing dinner nice cake and big gifts. I was so good to him .
He is working today and then going to dinner with his parents. I’m going to wait until later for the kids to call him and wish him happy bday. Make him stew a little bit. Wonder if he misses us today and realizes how much I used to do for him.
It’s hitting me hard that’s it’s been 4 months since BD and each day that goes by it seems like he’s never coming back. I feel like more and more people are finding out he left and the damage is getting out of control. He is still coming for dinner and cake tomorrow should be interesting. I’ll make sure to look very good !
SM of your enemy. Suspend your social media accounts for the time being. So many left behind spouses get tripped up my the X year ago today thing. It's hard enough to DB without SM constantly reminding you of the past.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sia, thank you for the complement, but I don't think of myself of a DB Guru! I think of myself as someone that really blew it for a long time! I struggled every day to follow the rules, I didn't post and seek out support here, and by doing that I see how I delayed my own progress. My H was off with OW for 10 months, so it was a long road. So now years later, and us having talked about the past, I can reflect on it with a much clearer perspective. I do believe in the DB philosophy. I see it as the only way. We have one choice and that is to let go of someone that doesn't want us. And we have one thing that we can control, and that is ourselves -- how we heal, how we improve, and how move on to face our new realities. We can hope that they will come back, but we cannot make them. And as we become a better version of ourselves, we increase the liklihood that they will want to come back.
I agree with Steve. Social Media can be a constant painful reminder of the past. It is too raw and painful right now. It can also be too tempting to spy and figure out what he is doing. That can also be a set back. I would recommend you protect yourself during this vulnerable time, and minimize your time with it. Try and find outlets that create healing and positive thinking. Social media also created additional anxiety for me during our sitch, because people noticed more and more my family dynamic changing and my extreme weight loss. I couldn't hide it, so people would ask me about it, online and in person.
I also agree with AS regarding birthdays, celebration and family time. In fact, I just posted to kech about this last week, so I will paste that here if want to read it.
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Sorry to switch back a gear, I am late, but I wanted to add something. Regarding finding positives, negatives, or lack of negatives, in WH increasing his communication. Quite simply, you cannot. That is another type of mind reading or making assumptions. He may reach out more, text more, or even come by more. As you pull back, he might even increase this behavior and become more accommodating, become kind to you, perhaps charming at times, or even start wanting to spend family time together. It may feel positive and as if you are moving towards R. However, it may not mean that at all. This sort of false hope can lead to your additional hurt and could set you back. I don't want you to do that. Just take his actions simply for what they are at face value.
Let me give you an example of this happening in my sitch and how wrong I was in trying to find the positive. Several months after my H left for OW, he had a birthday. I decided that we could all go out to dinner with the kids. I thought it would be good for the kids and didn't see it as cake eating. I also wasn't good at DBing back then! So we decided to all go to a place that we would often go together as a family. We all got ready, he came over, we had fun at the restaurant, the kids had gifts and cake for him at home after. That evening, things felt surprisingly normal, and actually wonderful, which was a huge welcomed relief from my constant anxiety and depression.
He had softened towards me. At one point during dinner, we looked at each other for a long while, and I could feel his stare. We both smiled and we had a moment. I felt it. And the kids were all around us and seemed so happy. It had been so long that we felt like a normal family. .... Well, do you want to know what I found out later? He had lied about being at work that day. He had actually taken the day off and had been spending it with OW. He didn't feel what I felt, he was just there for a birthday evening ...
Looking back at it now, I know he was gone, totally gone. He just enjoyed a birthday and some family time. And a fat slice of CAKE that I served him. That's all it really was. For one day, he got to feel less like a liar and a cheater and more like a good family man and father. He did not feel any closer to me whatsoever. I saw what I had wanted to see. And I hurt myself by allowing that.
Please don't try to find meaning in what he does. You might be wrong. You might also hurt yourself further in the process. When he is truly starting to come back, you will know without question, because he will be changing: he will be remorseful, honest, vulnerable, and he will be thinking of you and your needs, not just his own.
There were also times my H was jealous, or reached out more, wanted family time, to talk, etc, and times you could easily see it as a positive. Those things did not translate to him wanting to R with me. He had to go down his own path and fall flat on his face before realizing what he had lost.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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