Haha I'm loving the work boyfriend. I hope he bumps up your confidence. It sounds like he's putting out some bait or "feelers". I'd see where the friendship goes. Just don't get too excited or invested and enjoy yourself.
It's terrible that your H still calls to cry. Like your supposed to be there for him when he is literally never there for you. I wouldn't like that arrangement.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Good to hear your update. It sounds very positive over all.
In terms of the sunk costs with your husband I can relate. I did so much leg work on getting my wife's visa to come over, and took time off from work just one year ago to attend her naturalization ceremony. Not to mention all the the time, love, energy, and support that we both invested in the relationship. Letting go of those sunk costs is hard. I think that is what causes me to still be resentful of my W's choices. I can accept that I will never get that money, love, or time back and am ready to move on from it, but it's hard to forgive.
In terms of the new work "friend," it's hard to tell on here if it is flirtatious or simply very friendly. It definitely sounds like something you should pursue and see where it goes. No expectations. At the very least it is GAL, and if it turns into something more, even better! I've always found that that is the best way to date - don't weigh things down with expectations but enjoy the process of going out and meeting new people and having different experiences.
I'm glad to see that good things are coming your way. Enjoy!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Who knows if he's interested romantically. Who cares? Enjoy his company and see where it goes.
As far as your husband calling. I'm not sure what to tell you. Tell him "Since you left me, I'm no longer available for you to cry on my shoulder"?, or validate and hope he remembers how wonderful you are? Right now, I think the former.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Nicole - as much as I sympathize with what you had to do to bring your H over here, you're still elevating those actions as 'special' sunk costs compared to them functioning as 'actual' sunk costs. You would not have had your marriage without it. Because it was an added layer of what you needed to do compared to someone who married someone else from the same country and didn't have to do that, you are investing more value in those costs than what they are - simply as a function to maintain your relationship and then get married. Please don't give them more weight than they deserve. This is a slippery slope as people can start making justifications for those sunk costs - i supported them through university until they got a degree and left; i was a stay at home parent and allowed them to advance in their career; and keep adding to that list.
Everyone can have a rationalization of why their sunk costs are 'special' compared to someone else. Don't do that and add to an already difficult situation.
Nic, I understand what you mean by sunk costs. I feel that too, we had to endure hardships together, stay with each other when we were still trying to settle down and establish our careers and pay off loans and finally when we are supposed to have life on auto pilot the WHs walked out on us. But I have started seeing it in a different light too. Life is ever changing, there are challenges at every phase albeit a different nature. No matter who we are with, life challenges are not going to go away. Waywards cut and run, we as LBSs must learn to just cut our losses at that point on. How long do you want to stay aboard on a sinking ship. I read an article where happiness is compared to a ballon, the lighter you are from your conscience, the bigger your balloon is and you will fly higher. The waywards typically are depressed because their guilt is like holes in their happiness balloon, while they are pumping it with air being with OP there is also a constant leak. LBSs have holes in the balloons too, from betrayal and deceit but healing is faster once we patch up the holes with letting go band aids. Make your balloon lighter Nicole, fly high with your D, leave WH behind, he has to learn to fix his own balloon
I really hope to find time to sit down these next few days and respond to everyone's threads. I got back-up with deadlines and events with my daughter recently and each day has to be perfectly regimented to get everything done but I hope to stay on top of everything better.
There's not really any news regarding the situation with my husband. Since he didn't get the job in our city he's still in his state searching for jobs. Tomorrow he's supposed to stop by and visit our daughter while he's here visiting his family.
Yesterday I met the guy I've been working with who is based in the UK. We had a team meeting at the office and a dinner in the evening. I felt like I must have misunderstood something after I didn't hear from him for over a week and he didn't confirm that I'd meet him at the airport. When I met him yesterday morning he stood really close, like his face touching mine, and spoke into my ear that he was sorry he didn't e-mail me. I was late arriving at the dinner last night and when I reached he was sitting at the end with one empty chair next to him. There was another chair empty across from him next to my female colleague, also from Europe, who I never met before yesterday either. I felt it was more appropriate to sit next to her. He asked a lot of questions and we talked for a long time but he had to leave early due to jet lag and a work deadline. Towards the end he got up and left for a minute, then came behind my chair and put his arm around me and touched his face against my face and spoke again into my ear that he'll e-mail me and we'll meet on Thursday. He said some other stuff that I couldn't really comprehend. I observed that he didn't get close to my female colleague or the guys who were with us. But my two female colleagues who know him in the UK keep saying he's so great, such a gem, etc.. so maybe he uses this technique on most attractive women or is he interested in me? He didn't invite me to meet one-on-one while he's in town but we're meeting again tomorrow at a coffee shop with my boss and his colleague. I wish I had more wisdom to understand men but either he's really friendly, a ladies man, or he's semi-interested but not enough to meet alone. I'm not sure what others may have told him about my situation but he didn't ask.
Anyway, that's about it. I was happy that for a brief time yesterday, the first time since I had my daughter, I went out at night and celebrated with colleagues and met this guy who I've wanted to meet for the past few months.
Um, Nicole, guys don't do that unless they're interested. You're not sure what others have told him about your situation, but I bet he's asked, and already has some idea. Maybe leaving early was a too subtle hint that you should offer to share a cab.
You don't mention how you responded. If you were aloof, reserved, or stand-offish, maybe he didn't ask to meet one-on-one because he doubted your interest. I know it was a business dinner, and you couldn't be overt, but maybe you should invite him to meet one-on-one. It's not 1950 anymore. Did you find hm attractive or interesting? If so, when he gets close to talk to you, lean in to it a little, and put your hand on his upper arm, and pull him in just a bit, like you can't quite hear what he's saying. Flirt, girl! Flirt! (But not at work!) I encourage you to enjoy his attention for the time he's here.
I think it's wonderful you were able to get out and enjoy yourself as Nicole, and not as someone's mommy or wife. It's time to step more fully into that role.
As an added bonus, since H is there, ask him to watch D while you meet a "colleague". I say that a little tongue in cheek, but in all seriousness, it wouldn't hurt to ask, for two reasons. 1) it would actually give him some more time with your D, and 2) maybe he should realize that you have options, too.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
It's nice to hear your update. The actions you describe are those of a man who is clearly interested in you. I think Jim is on the money when he encouraged you to reciprocate by flirting back if you like him. It might be that he has heard about your sitch and might be wary of being too forward. Give him signs that you are interested.
Regardless of what happens with him, it is great to hear that you are putting yourself out there and getting on with your life and enjoying yourself. Take that happy moment and build off it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Take your time to enjoy the situation. We all know your way of thinking N, just relax and see what’s coming. You are in control of yourself girl and we, the DBiers, are with you. Feel the force!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
