not sure what your faith is, I'm Catholic. When the bomb was dropped on me, I thought about my vows. Good times and bad....and this is a bad time. Most people have a little asterisk on their vows, hidden from everyone. It is unseemly to state exclusions to vow of marriage. An affair is usually part of that asterisk.
I understand why you want to move forward with your life, and how a divorce could help you there.
Only you can decide what is right for you.
Only you can define what keeping your hands clean looks like.
Have you met with your priest or clergy? What did they have to say?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So FF, what is more important to you? Your marriage or your money? Both can't be the priority. If you say the money then yes sign and move on. If you say your marriage then do not sign.
Personally I would continue doing what you're doing. Have you stated to her that you are against the D, will not sign the papers and she'll have to move forward with a contested D of that's what she wants? Make her realize this is going to require effort and work on her part. Next time she reaches out make sure to tell her that.
But let her reach out. She created limbo not you. You have every right to fight for your marriage. Just be aware that if there's what she wants them that's what will eventually happen. Let her go to get her back. But make her do the work on the D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You say W is timid and so it's understandable that she doesn't want any conflict with you. It seems that she is willing to take blame (perhaps also to avoid conflict). She will have to want to leave her parents for you.
If you have contact then you will need to be very calm, be positive, show you are doing very well for yourself financially, wish her family well.
Thanks all. Took a little time off the boards to focus on GAL, which has really helped. Decided not to intitiate contact with my W.
In the midst of GAL, I have been getting a lot of attention from women, which has been validating for me. I always have gotten a lot of attention, but the last 8 months, I haven't really been attentive to it. The fact that I am noticing it more and more goes to show how well I am doing in detaching and really being happy with myself again.
Just heard today that my W is spreaading some insane lies to friends as well as aI ijnyone that is willing to listen to her. I knew when she said that is was all her fault she was full of it. She's been saying I am abusive, bipolar (LOL!), sexually deviant and not willing to go through marriage counseling... Umm, I went up to her where she currently is almost 1,500 miles away a coupleof months ago and had marriage counseling over an 8 day period.
I knew she was unstable, but I never thought she would resort to this level of maliciousness. I think it plays into her conflict avoidance as well as her need to look like she is "pure" and a victim should thel divorce happen.
To summarize where I am at, in terms of worldly love (emotions and feelings), I do not love my wife. This can obviously change for the both of us if things were ever to work out. In terms of the marriage covenant and my vows, I do still love my wife (love as an action). I have a strong desire to address the things she has been saying, but I doubt she will even talk. Next convo we have I will state she can feel free to move forward with filing, but I will not provide any assistance.
My wife initiated the talk about Divorce, but I told her I would only talk about it over the phone and not text since she is 1500 miles away.
We talked today. It was extremely civil, yet she sounded extremely down and sad. She should be. She knows she is in the wrong. We talked about next steps, but nothing about recon. I told her where I stood, and if she wants to move forward, she will need to actually file. Told her I would have no part in helping since I’m against it but willing to let her go if that’s what she wants.
Also brought up the things she was saying about me. She denied it and said she said things but nothing of what I heard. Don’t buy any of it. She also mentioned she felt pressured by her family to enter into marriage, but again, it’s another cop out. She’s even resorting to throwing her family under the bus. She did share some new news... she said on the day of the wedding she was scared of getting married and put it off as wedding day jitters. She also said when her dad prayed for her, she cried hard, but not tears of joy or happiness. To summarize, she isn’t capable of living away from her family. We got engaged then the only family she had in our town moved back home.
DB is still what I need to do, but in my case, I really don’t see any hope. I laid it all out there, so if she wants to be a single woman there is nothing I can do. Surprisingly the convo makes me feel better about my sitch. No longer blaming myself. I will not let her craziness impact me. I just chalk it up to something that is completely out of my control. I accept divorce is the likely outcome, and I’m at peace.
Focusing on work and my neck issues which I’m hoping to have surgery for by the end of the year.
On the marriage front, I’m surprisingly doing well. I think I’m to the point of realizing I got dealt a crappy hand in life. My marriage counselor told me last week I’m the ideal son in law and he would approve of me in a heartbeat as a father to his daughter (hypothetical). Also had been biting his tongue the last 8 months as he has someone in mind for me. Extremely validating. I’ve owned and addressed what I contributed to our marriage, but most of it is out of my control unless I could have been stronger after dealing with 10+ years of neck issues that should be addressed shortly.
Still want my wife back to an extent, but at this point, there isn’t even any form of temp checking by her. Literally no contact, which probably makes it easier. I’ve had a number of people reach out to me wanting to introduce me to “a great match”, but the last thing I want to do is stop my self reflection and healing and hurt a woman before I’m ready to date. Also believe I shouldn’t do that until things are finalized as I’m still married and bonded by our marriage covenant.
Any suggestions or advice given there is no contact by my W? I know the drill, GAL and focus on myself, but at this point I’m not sure why I keep fighting the inevitable.
Just checking in and wanting to journal a bit. I realize my sitch is not nearly as traumatic as some of the others on this board considering my BD happened so soon after my marriage (11 months) and there are no kids involved.
I have hit a rough patch. My health has been horrible lately, and although I think of my wife from time to time, I think more about my future. I feel like I am starting to buy into the lies she is spreading about me, and wonder if I am even loveable considering I have the neck of a 80 year old in a 33 year old body. I know it's all lies, but it still gets at me. I continue to be approached by so many people wanting to introduce me to a "great match", but through faith in Christ I am taking the road less traveled and am continuing to be longsuffering like my savior. I am firm in my decision to only file if I find proof of an A, as well as non-repentance by my wife once confirmed if that were the case, but there is no way she is having an A.
No real update on my sitch. Still haven't heard from my wife. We go about a month to a month a half before there is a text initated by her (mostly regarding where I am at with signing her simple divorce paperwork). That has ended since our last convo a month and a half ago where I told her that I'm not signing, and if she wants out of this marriage she can go ahead and file. The fact that nothing has happened tells me she wants to remain conflict avoidant and retain her victim status by not filing, so this may be a reallllllyyyy long limbo period. Not sure what to thing about that. I have two pastors and my marriage counselor saying I have grounds for D, but it just doesn't sit well with me. I would rather her initiate, as I want to remain obedient in my faith of what God would want me to do.
I feel like as time goes on, I continue to lose myself. It would be one thing if my W was the only one against our marriage, but she has spread so many lies to so many people (family), that if she eventually repented and wanted to come back to the M, she would be talked out of it. The only thing I pray for is for her to fully repent, and admit to all including me that she was wrong, which I'm not sure she is capable of.
Don't really have much to ask in terms of advice, I just need some support. Continuing to go dark is the only thing I need to continue to do unless anyone has any different input.
Realized my last couple of posts were posted so late that most people were probably in bed.
No real update on the M front. My health seems to be getting worse, but I have a plan of action to address my neck issues hopefully in the next couple of weeks. Funny, I went to see my PCP for my annual check up this week, and the lab work showed high cholesterol and really high blood pressure. I've never had these issues, so no doubt it's related to my current season in life. Cholesterol can be explained from my horrible diet. I'm normally extremely healthy, but have fallen back a bit. No weight gained, so I didn't have an issue with it, but I need to get those numbers down.
It's been about two months of horrible sleep. Mostly due to my neck, but when I can't fall asleep, my mind immediately goes to my sitch. I yoyo back and forth between my wife being incapable of marriage to I am at fault for the majority of issues. This is something I'm working on with my IC. My Dad was a perfectionist growing up, and everything I did that wasn't 100% perfect was deemed a failure. The blessing with my sitch is my Dad has owned up to his own dysfunctions and asked for forgiveness for being so hard on me, which is great. Our relationship has grown so much the last 10 months. For that I'm grateful. I've made great strides, but I think I need to focus on forgiving myself for what I contributed and realize this is not my fault.
Part of me wants to cut bait and run considering we were only married less than a year, but I am using my newfound faith in Christ to do the hard thing, to be longsuffering and forgiving. Not the easiest path, but I know my faithfulness will be rewarded.
Lastly, my marriage counselor introduced me to his "great match" at a fundraiser for his practice this weekend. She seems like a good Christian girl, but I had no attraction at all. I immediately compared her to my wife who is beautiful, at least on the outside, and I had no interest whatsoever. Obviously I wouldn't get into a relationship while still being married. I am clearly not over my wife, and won't be for a long time. I think I'm going to find a new MC, as it was totally innapropriate for him to do. For fellow Christ followers, I have learned that just because someone is a Christian means absolutely nothing. I now focus on their fruit. Not in a judgemental way, but to gauge them and the advice they provide. The only advice I take at this point is from this board (when dealing with a WAW) and scripture. That's all I need.
Not much activity up until this point in my thread, but that will probably change at this point. I was served with paperwork this morning.
Didn't expect it this soon, but then again, it has been almost 10 months since my wife left.
Overall, I am doing fairly well, though there is sadness knowing I was never given a fair chance at recon considering we were only married just under a year when my W left.
Hard to imagine my wife considers herself a Christ follower/believer given her actions throughout this process, but I just have to trust God's plan and know that I will be fine.
Not sure what to think of everything, as I am still a bit shocked, but overall, I'm proud of my reaction to being served. Definitely blessed that I have had 10 months to collect myself mentally and emotionally to get prepared for a moment like today. Just sad to know my W is throwing away what could have been an amazing marriage if she was willing to work on herself as I have.
