I mean she's slept next to me for over 3 weeks straight now. So that's a big 180 for her. But we don't talk a whole lot, or hug and kiss. She does text me throughout the day.
I didn't recon, but of the recon stories I know of the WAS was usually all-in when they finally made that commitment. Usually when they are half-in or even quarter-in like you are describing, they still see you as Plan B and may still be in an affair.
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I am worried about where she's at, who she's with, and I don't think she'll be coming home tonight. But I think I need to redefine that to her as what a healthy R looks like: - no excessive boozing - no staying out all night - we know who each other is with, where each other is. - no more negative attitudes - etc, etc, etc
Quite right, full 100% transparency and disclosure is very important in recon and should be an agreed-upon requirement.
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And I'm going to pull my hair out. I waited until the morning to look at the app, W is back at OM's apt. Now, what to do?
-tell her to pack up and move out -back to no contact -tell her this is wrong, more lies and cheating -sit tight, do nothing yet
Very sorry for this! But of those choices, I'd say tell her to pack up and move out. Tell her you know where she was (but don't disclose how you know, it doesn't matter and if you tell her she will just accuse you of snooping like you are the bad guy here). Tell her she's blown her last chance and you are done, you are not going to stay married to a lying cheater. Be ready for her to get angry, if she does then tell her there's nothing more to discuss and walk away. This may be one of the hardest things you've done but it will put you back in a position of power over your life.
EDIT TO ADD- somehow I completely missed page 5, great advice from Nicole and Joe!
Last night my W was at home. We talked. I asked her where she was, she didn't want to say and I think this was b/c she flat out lied to me on Friday (again). I asked her why she was home. She said b/c she lives here. And at that point I brought up that I don't want to share a bed or a home with a liar and cheater. She cried and said "you want me to move out, I can't get an apt". And that's where I pussed out, I kinda just let it go and didn't say it again. I pursued a little, but was able to laugh about a few things the dog was doing and keep a little smile on my face somehow.
She tried to give me a hug 3 times and I just kept backing away and told her I didn't want her pity, I want a hug from my wife. Then she wanted to take my puppy to sleep with her in the other room. My wonderful dog proceeded to piss on her pillow so she used that as an invite to come back in the master. No, so I was going to help her change the sheets but she got mouthy and I locked her out of the master b/c she was being rude. So then she got ruder and honestly I added fuel to the fire there. I also was dumb arguing about bills. So I need to 180 there too and just keep my cool so I can just think first next time. Should have just went and helped changed the sheets and been done with it.
She is sad about the marriage and sad about lying to me again. Said she wants it to work but wants to be happy. I just validated there. Obviously this is all about her though.
She called me this morning and texted asking if I have a few minutes, so I'm trying to figure out what to say. I think I'll tell her I'll be home later if she wants to talk, but she has a bag packed and probably wasn't planning on coming home. Oh well.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovrrnbw, I can sympathize with how hard it is to take bold action and kick out your own wife especially when she's crying and acting pitiful. You love her and she's your wife so it's not easy to do such a thing. You have to be mentally prepared and believe in what you're doing. If you didn't do it last night it's not the end-of-the-world given this has been going on for so long. Your wife obviously has issues and nothing will get solved in one night. It's worth really thinking though about what's within your power to do to end this situation. When my husband decided to move out last year he saw me suffering but he ignored my reactions because he'd already made up his mind. I guess you have to make up your mind. You could keep letting things progress naturally and see what happens. Your wife might break things off with OM on her own, but in few years she might meet some other amazing guy and she'll remember how easy you were on her when she cheated. She'll probably think she can get away with it again. Or if you let your wife do as she pleases and hope for the best you'll both be ignoring the core issues as to why this happened in the first place.
Last winter it was easy for others to say I should divorce my husband not wait for him to file or do it first, but I couldn't do it. I wasn't convinced it was the right thing to do because I didn't want to be held responsible for the demise of a marriage that I wanted more than anything to save. We all have limitations and we also get tired to a point where we don't have the energy to battle with our spouses or care enough about what will happen in the long-term if we can have them back in the short-term.
There's always a chance your wife will work everything out on her own and she'll be back, loyal and committed, in the near future. Waiting for that to happen is definitely easier if you feel you can handle her sleepovers at OM's house in the meantime. It won't really fix the core problem though.
You know your own situation best. It's easier to see from the outside that taking a strong approach and sending your wife to live elsewhere is the best way to fix this, but it's still your choice. You sound like a good man and you deserve support no matter what you choose.
Ovvrnbw, as a common courtesy you could respond and hear what she has to say, but if what she says doesn't match her actions then it may be futile to talk. I hope someone else can give you a clear answer!
I'm not clear. You said that you talked to her about moving out, but then backed down. Then you mentioned that she "has a bag packed." Was it agreed that she is moving out?
It seems like you need to talk with her assertively about moving out if that is a boundary that you feel comfortable enforcing. It seems like things are somewhat up in the air. Sounds like a talk you need to have, but you need to set the terms. You can't run away from the tough conversations.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Over, I was here on June 8th. I was sitting next to WW in the back yard and she almost TAUNTED me to see if I'd set a boundary. I didn't.
Two weeks later I politely moved out "so that she didn't have to" and so that maybe, just maybe, things would improve quickly and I wouldn't have to break a lease (moved into a friend's old house).
Two weeks later she was back with OM.
Don't be me.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
