Thank you Blu! Love your insight. I am having horrible anxiety because now they I have begun DBing there has been NO relationship talks in the past couple of weeks. I used to email novels excessively and I’ve stopped that. I’m just discouraged that no relationship talks means done forever.
There has been no affair discovered yet but it would be the only thing that explains any of this behavior. He is a police officer like I mentioned before and has been drowning himself in work. Working day shift 8-4 pm and then details sometimes all night or overnight. (I have proof he FaceTimes the kids from them)
His bday is Saturday and I want so bad to ask him to come over for cake with the kids but I know that’s probably wrong. It’s going to kill me the thought of him having fun without me. When I asked him last if he was happy he sed he was happy not being around the “negativity” anymore but missed the kids terribly. I just want my family back. I want him so badly. I literally get a tightness in my chest about how much I miss him.
It seems like when I back off and don’t pressure he does ask a little more personal questions to me and seems more upbeat. As far as a divorce there will be no trial / discussions of that until February but I feel like every day that goes by he is drifting further and further away. He has been iffy re MC before. I know we would benefit hugely from it but I don’t know if I should bring that up again? uhh this is so hard. Off to Yoga that should calm me down
Would you suggest coming strait out and asking about an affair or one night stand ?? He knows cheating is a deal breaker for me so maybe he is terrified there is no going back if he admits it. I don’t know what else would explain his behavior other than PTSD-depression- MLC.
Back in February he was first on scene to two young children murdered. He immediately texted me that he loved me and our daughter so much. He went on medication shortly after and I feel like this all happened a couple months after that trauma. None of it makes any sense and I have no closure I want him to feel like he can talk to me.
The general advice here is to not ask about As or bring it up to them when you find out. But what we learn reading here over the years is that in most cases there is some type of A or even an imaginary A. The reason you don't ask and keep that to yourself is because chances are 1. they are going to lie about it anyways, 2. they will get better at hiding it so you may not even be able to find out about it, 3. the drama and fall out of it being exposed could potentially bring them together. 4. knowing hurts like H3LL! 5. it becomes a game changer in the way you two now interact.
Look, none of us think our S was capable of an A. 4-5 years later, it still shocks me that my H could do that! It still surprises him about himself too. The reason we love and marry our partner is because of the intimate connection and because we trust them. I also think we all believe it's the deal breaker. I always believed that and said that to my H too. And then it happened, and my world was turned upside down, and I started to see people and relationships differently. I can tell you today, even though my H has been back for 3.5 years, I don't know if I will ever truly forgive him. I also don't know if I need to truly forgive him (whatever that means) for us to stilll have a good M that lasts. People over time change and so does our perspective.
So I want you to really think hard about what the term "deal breaker" means for you. Does in mean in the case of any A (PA, EA) that you immediately file for D yourself and never look back? Are you prepared for that? What do you think would change by knowing? Do you think knowing will help your sitch or hurt it? Do you think he would tell you the truth? How would the dynamic between you shift if he thinks you suspect that? Loaded questions I know. There are soooo many layers to this. My initial thought is you will not find the truth by asking him, but you will increase the tension and drama between you. If you do decide you want to know the truth, there are other ways to gather intel. Again, what will knowing change for you?
I also think you should read kechs threads. There are a lot of them but try and scroll back and read them. She has lots of posters and advice in there.
There could be many reasons for why he is doing what he is doing -- thinks he is in love with OW, has wanted out for years and never told you, depression, MLC, childhood issues, etc -- but you cannot know why and be sure of it. Mind reading doesn't work. This is his journey and you cannot control it or change it. And whatever the reasons are, your course of action is yours. Put you first now and focus on that and being a mom. Let him go.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
What Blu said really is great. There's no reason to push. If you get intel then great, but it really won't do you much good to confront it without having some action to back it up.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Just mowed the lawn and weed wacked myself! Sick of waiting around for him and his broken promises. Hope he feels like a loser when he sees. Super Mom!!!
Good for you, he already feels like a loser with guilt. Unless he is a sociopath he cannot possibly think he in the right about all this, hence the guilt and crazy resentment towards you. Since WH has moved out I have absolutely stopped asking him for help with anything. I am learning to do things on my own, asking for help or paying contractors to do the job. I used to think that if I am too independently he may not feel guilty enough to come back. Again why would I want him that way? So irrespective of what he thinks I do what I feel is the right thing for me. If it pushes him farther so be it, we are already deep in discussion with a mediator so how much worse can it get right? Do what makes you happy, what is best for the kids
Blu is a DB guru to a lot of us here, follow every word she says and read her threads. I respect her not because her WH came back but because she walked through hell again with him with the piecing process and had a journey that shows how human and vulnerable all of us are.
It may seem harsh but what helps me is telling myself WH is dead. The man I married would never ever do this so this is someone else. If I think I may need him for something I ask myself what would I do if he was actually dead, morbid but I lead my life like he doesn’t exist anymore except for the children part
You are showing amazing strength already, you will be fine and find happiness, plow through this phase with all you have
Is it? Lots of LBSs have said this, but then when there was an affair they still held on to the WAS for dear life. So is cheating really a dealbreaker for you? One of the worst things you can do is say it is, then go back on that. Setting boundaries without consequences will train your H that he can do pretty much anything he wants.
So say you confront, he confesses. What do you do next?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don’t think I’m going to confront him again about it because he will most likely say no again and if he said yes you all are right I would just get more upset. I haven’t told him recently cheating is a deal breaker but he knows I’m general I have always spoke to him about I don’t know how people cheat and that’s a ground for divorce in my book. Maybe he had a one night stand and tried to get out of the marriage because he couldn’t handle the guilt / or me finding out and initiating leaving him?? Who knows. It’s all still a huge mystery and I feel like I have NO answers or closure.
Sia, That is a good way of looking at it. Pretending he is dead. Heck it feels like a death why not treat it that way. My husband has to feel guilty. How could any man leave a pregnant wife out of the blue alone and not feel shame / guilt? He was a zombie for about a month after too. Could barely stay awake ...lost weight ... wouldn’t look me in the eye. Just totally not himself. He seems more “normal” lately but I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I just can’t wait for the day it hits him like a ton of bricks that he gave up on his family the most important thing in his life. I believe whether it’s MLC / affair / depression he is still deep in this “fog” and fantasy land and not thinking long term conquesences or about our families future.
I feel a bit stronger than the past couple of weeks. I try to remind myself of all the bad he has done and pain he has caused and it makes me feel confident / almost like letting him go is the “right” thing to do.
I did ignore a FaceTime call last night and that was a first for me. His bday is Saturday and I want to ask him to come over for cake w the kids but on the other hand why set myself up for disappointment if he says no ?? I just don’t know I feel like I need a miracle to get my loving husband I knew back.
Also, another thing I’m having trouble with is what other people are thinking. I know that’s the last thing that mattered but we were viewed as being a “perfect” couple. Always on each others social media’s doing fun things posting a lot of pictures together. My husband deactivated his FB and I only post things about the kids. People are talking though and obviously notice I haven’t posted anything about him in months.
He claims he’s not telling anyone other than his mom/best friend what’s going on but clearly people are going to talk when he has a new apartment and removed his wedding ring. It’s just hard for me to accept. I feel like once it goes “public” it would be even harder to reconcile. I feel like he’s not telling a lot of people because he is the one who left a pregnant wife. Not much to brag about there! I have told the people closest to me but extended family doesn’t even know anything is going on and I’m not ready to tell them. I just get scared my husband is going to come back on social media with a new account or go out in public on a date when he doesn’t even have the decency to sit down and really discuss our marriage with me!! Uhhh confused/ overwhelmed.
uhh this is so hard. Off to Yoga that should calm me down