Thanks all for your advice. My dilemma is this... even if W was willing to re-consider MR:
A) The day after W left she said to me "You'll never be able to trust me ever again". I know enough about us to know that she really will think that, so she will think there's no point in her even trying. However, I would be willing to see what's possible.
B) W won't want to admit anything to me that could hurt me (and there could be more that I don't yet know about).
C) Her pride and ego will get in the way because she likes everyone to think how wonderful she is.
D) W really is incredibly stubborn and always has been. She doesn't say 'sorry' unless prompted.
E) W has used our problems to gain attention and sympathy.
F) W has used our problems as an excuse for failing exams and work issues.
G) W reacts badly to anything that could be seen as any kind as a personal criticism.
H) W lives with her parents who are very supportive of her (but they have both said they have noticed good changes in me).
I) W won't talk about anything MR related. I've not approached the subject for a couple of months or so.
.....so?
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that isnt willing to fight for you? She walked out the door and split up your family and took your kids away from you....why should she get a free pass back just because 'its hard for her'?
Look, if she wants to R with you, she needs to make that decision. No amount of counseling is going to 'convince her' to change her mind. This is your chance to change the status quo and forge a new relationship. Why would you squander it and move back into old habits?
Stop trying to FIX her problems. Focus on you and your kids as youve been doing. Let her work on herself too.]
"The Judge was able to point out that both of you were able to say positive things about each other’s parenting and the kids relationships with both, which was something that could be built upon (I didn't anything like that). He also emphasised how important it would be for the kids to spend quality time with both. This seemed to have a very persuasive effect on W and to give her credit she then did make very fair proposals based on an equal shared care plan. This was far better than we had anticipated, as the Court could not have made this order without consent from you both."
I'm not sure what to take from that, if anything, because when W first left 4 months ago she said she would agree to a 50/50 deal (believe nothing that they say...) but she then heavily controlled and restricted me seeing the kids.
I then calmly and firmly said I'd had enough of being messed around and then surprisingly W let me have them for 2 weeks.
W then made a statement in advance of the court hearing claiming bad things. At the court case, W offered very limited childcare access. W was then made aware that I would be making counter-claims against her and I had evidence to show her claims were not true. The Judge and L teams spoke in private. W then backed-down to withdraw all of her claims against me, must have said I was a good parent, and she offered 50/50.
4 months since BD and all I have is an agreement that W said she would make when she left. There's been no MR talk for nearly 3 months, no talk from either of us except formalities about the kids, and now we will only meet once per week in a public place to exchange the kids. I can't see any MR progress other than I look and feel better than I did.
Yep, I've been through a police questioning as W tried to get me into trouble so she would get a better chance to get the kids, she failed with that and then said she hoped we could put that in the past. Then a few months later she has made the same claims again (and more) in a custody court case but then withdrew all her claims to offer the 50/50 deal.
It's ironic because she only did all that to get the kids because I was in such a strong position. If I hadn't been a SAHD then perhaps she wouldn't have gone to so much time and effort plotting against me.
I only learned of the court case on Friday evening and it happened on Tuesday. Within that time I had to write my views on W claims (there were a lot of the them), deal with my solicitor (who doesn't work weekends), get the solicitor to find a barrister at very short notice, find the money to pay in advance, and get myself to court etc. Then deal with going through it. I then stayed a night with a relative. I hardly slept during that time so I've since tried to rest and get things sorted for the kids arriving back on Sunday.
I genuinely think W will be thinking that I would never have her back and so she wouldn't mention it even if she considered it.
I have to concentrate all efforts on the kids for the next 3 months until the case is heard again. W will be looking for any mistake.
In about a week, I'm going to start looking into the financial disclosure process (I already have the L get the letter ready to send to W). From that I should be able to see when W started taking money planning for D.
I had been feeling detached from W but today I really missed our family being together.
Met W today to exchange the kids. She didn't look so angry, stressed and evasive. I said to her that I was sorry that it had got to this, I think there has been some misunderstandings on both sides due to bad communication and that we should talk to clear them up and sort things out. She agreed. It seems her parents have now left the house, which could be a good thing as W will now have to do everything for herself, get some space, and lose their persuasive backing.
I said to her that I was sorry that it had got to this, I think there has been some misunderstandings on both sides due to bad communication and that we should talk to clear them up and sort things out. She agreed.
I've just realised that means nothing and could even have sounded to her like I wanted to get things sorted for a D.
I could do with some advice... I took the kids to and from school today. A few parents said that W has been saying things about me and they call me a liar as soon as I try to explain anything. W never used to have any interest in those people and they were friends of mine who I met at the school most days. Since BD, W has befriended them and meets them for days-out with the children and is obviously doing so to turn those people against me as they are key witnesses that I've been the main carer for the kids for years.
How do I best handle the situation, do I say to W that for the sake of the kids can she please stop involving parents of the kids school friends in our personal life?
WAS/WW accused me of being controlling (I was being a responsible parent and supportive husband... W had become the complete opposite). W had also accused me of looking for excuses to talk to her - which isn't true, and besides we have to communicate at times because we have kids and only speak about them.
The kids don't call W and she thinks that is down to me being controlling. I did a 180 last night and I got the kids to call W and leave a phone message. W later sent me a text to say she hadn't received it (yeah right) . W called early this morning (a first) to speak to the kids. I just answered the phone and gave it to the kids.
However, me asking the kids to call their mum (so that I'm not seen as controlling), wouldn't that be cake eating for W?
Your only dilema at this stage is keep posting about your wife all the time.
I'm seeking advice as I'm trying to do the right thing with interactions with W and we have 2 little kids. So is asking the kids to phone their mum (so that I'm not seen as controlling), wouldn't that be cake eating for W?
