Thanks Lonewlf for checking. I've been trying to find a time to sit down and respond to the recent responses but I haven't had a chance yet. I hope this weekend. A quick update is that there's not much new with my husband or our marriage situation. He called tonight saying he's flying to the other coast for a training. Who knows if that's really what he's doing or if he's going on a romantic getaway with some woman. The only thing I noticed recently is that his eyes were so puffy when he last did facetime with our daughter and his appearance is generally pretty ragged. When he was dating the new woman in January he looked great but lately he doesn't, so he may or may not be dating. Perhaps he's just comfortable with whoever his girlfriend is or perhaps he has no girlfriend. There's no way to know anything at all.
There is an update about the guy I mentioned through work who lives in the UK. He and I won millions of dollars for our two companies through our recent work together which is exciting. He'll be coming in a few weeks so I'll meet him. I dropped the idea of any possibility of a relationship due to the age difference and being in different stages in life as well as the fact that I'm still married on paper but as a work team we're top notch.
I've been exhausted from non-stop work, social activities, and spending time with my daughter and everything is great in the professional and social sense but nothing fills the void from my husband being gone. As mentioned above, and I'll respond more to your responses ASAP, I feel that I've now done all that I can do to move on but life without a partner is just not the same.
Unfortunately, nothing can fill that void that the WAS spouse creates. So what to do? Focus on what we can control, which you seem to be doing.
I hope your work BF meetup goes well, that positive energy should carry through to other aspects of life, and I hope it does.
Even if he comes back, your feelings don't just bounce back to where they were before. That's the sad part, all the BS you go through changes you, your feelings, and your perception. It truly kills the old MR. We just take forever to realize it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the update Nic- Although the MR isn't going so good it looks like you are firing on all cylinders in all the other aspects of your life. Great job with your work accomplishment! In terms of the void from H - I feel the same way about my W. My suggestion is try to fill that void by having an outpouring of love to your child. Stay positive!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thanks for the update. It is great to hear that work is going so well, and it sounds like you are keeping incredibly busy. That is so important. Those other areas of life won't necessarily fill in the void you feel from the lack of MR, but they can help you reclaim the positive, assertive person you were. They can inspire confidence and self-esteem which can carry over as well. Between the social and business successes and your daughter it sounds like you have a lot of positives in your life right now. Focus on them, enjoy them.
best of luck,
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Ovvrnbw, Lonewlf, and Davide, thanks for your responses regarding the void that's left when a spouse leaves. I'm happy that other areas of my life are going well and I'm spending every minute when I'm not working with my daughter whether alone together or in a group setting, giving her as much undivided attention and love as humanly possible. She's doing well and I don't write much about her but I feel that I've done the best I can do as a mother. I prioritize playing with her and that's usually when she'll also talk more openly about things at school and questions she has about life. She still falls asleep in my arms and wakes up in my arms - it's been that way every day since she was born.
Anyway I just reached a point now where I feel I've done everything I can do to move on. I guess at this point advice such as "move on with your life" and "focus on yourself" is still appreciated and I recognize those as truth but I feel exhausted from having done everything possible to achieve these things. I'll still keep trying to do more but I guess in my case I've reached a point where I'm still married on paper, and still in touch with my husband every day when he calls to speak with our daughter, so I can't move on to a new relationship, and there's no one with whom to start a new relationship, yet I don't want to file for divorce either.
I feel that the DB process for me has reached a point where I likely need to do something proactive sometime in the next year to communicate with my husband about the way forward. I don't know yet what that is. I think the DB rules such as no relationship talks, give the other person space, etc.. are all good but after an extended period of time doing that with no results and no resolution there has to be some additional action. I don't think staying married and separated for years to come while my husband dates other women and I stay alone is a good deal for me, but I don't feel I could find a new marriage partner while I'm still married either. I know there are people out there who claim to be totally happy being alone and single but I can't say with an honest answer that I'm one of those people. As independent as I was before my husband, and as independent as I've been forced to become now, I don't aspire to spend my life alone. So the current situation of being alone while my husband is with another woman (or women) isn't sustainable.
There's no hard evidence, but I believe what happened is my husband's relationship with the other woman ended after he wanted a divorce in January. Then for a period of time when he invited us on a trip, hugged me, started acting nice again, etc.. I do believe we were headed towards reconciling. Then at some point recently I believe my husband either reconciled with the women he'd been dating or he found someone new. Currently my guess is he's dating someone again. He shipped the car that he bought for me here, that he'd been using, and it came last week. There was sand on the floor of the passenger's side which means he likely took someone to the beach. The navigation showed the name of some seafood restaurant on the beach as well. I doubt he met a new male friend who he's been going out with. Now this week he said he flew to the other coast for a course but he could very well be on a trip with his girlfriend. He says he's coming here this weekend but we haven't heard from him to know if it's happening.
So I guess I'm looking towards a way to end the limbo period. I plan to start seeing another counselor, asking for various opinions from various persons, and planning for the best way to engage my husband at some point about what we're doing to do. I'll probably wait to see where he gets a job and where he's going to live. Perhaps he'll file for divorce if his new relationship is going well. All I can say is that it's been exactly three years since my husband left the first time and 3.5 years since he started to get depressed and withdraw from the marriage. That's a long time be unloved and a long time to keep giving someone another chance to save the marriage. I'd still give him a chance if he wanted to work hard to fix what he's done and if he follows-through, but the current scenario where he's free to date and yet still married seems to work more in his favor than mine.
MWD says not to make an ultimatum unless you are prepared to enforce it. So setting a hardline ultimatum isn't anti DB.
I totally understand you wanting to have someone to share your life with - that is normal and perfectly fine. So is not wanting to give up on your marriage yet. Unfortunately it just leaves you in this tough spot for a while. Your patience is amazing.
Have you considering taking any different actions towards him? Like not answering his calls? If he really wants to talk to your daughter wouldn't he do it in person? It just seems crazy that he is running around the country with OW(s) but still gets to call you to play the loving dad.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovrrnbw, thanks. Yeah I don't feel prepared to make any ultimatums or enforce anything in the near future but I hope to open the door to some sort of communication with my husband about the best way forward sometime in the coming year. I have no idea yet what I'd say or how to say it. Perhaps he'll beat me to it although he seems to be gliding along just fine with our current arrangement.
I don't want to give up but if my husband still shows no interest going into the fourth year, and he continues to be so unstable job-wise and jumping from woman-to-woman, then this passive "give them space, no relationship talk..." DB approach after an extended period of time almost feels like it's enabling their behavior.
I've tried to really change how I interact with my husband a lot since April. I don't call him at all, don't ask any non-essential questions, don't show any special interest in what he's up to....I haven't stopped answering his calls because one of his big frustrations and complaints before he left was that I didn't I answer my phone. It only happened from time-to-time but whenever it happened he'd get mad saying "what if something happened and I really needed to reach you?" Fair enough, so I've been answering, or at least texting "will call back" when I can't answer, but I usually pass the phone straight to my daughter.
There's no hard proof my husband is running around with other women - there's only evidence that points in that direction. He might very well be alone at a course right now but there's just no way to know. Maybe he went to the beach with a guy he met at the gym. Maybe in his mind he's planning to come back at some point and he's busy trying to get a new job but the more likely scenario is that he's enjoying his freedom and taking full advantage of the opportunity to date whoever he meets as he goes along or maybe he's happily in a long-term relationship with the 26 year old again. Whatever the case, he's back off on the reconciliation path although he's still acting nice overall.
NIcole, I think your last paragraph sums it up pretty well... "the more likely scenario is that he's enjoying his freedom and taking full advantage of the opportunity...." He is. And as a fellow LBS, that $uck$ for us. And it seems like you have the same problem I have, namely not being able to gain emotional distance.
All I can tell you is that it does get better. Eventually, you will get tired of being in limbo, say enough is enough, and push the divorce forward on your own. When you reach that point is entirely up to you. There is no timeline, and no one can tell you when you will, or even should, reach that point. You'll know. There won't be any ultimatums at that point. You'll just say you've had enough, and file.
Two more thoughts... It seems to me that no WAH/WAW wants to reconcile until the LBS reaches the point of "I don't really care anymore." You're not there. You are still very attached, just like I was. Even then, your H may not want to return, but at that point, you'll be like, "so what?" I found that constant contact with W kept me on a string, so I dropped contact to those times I really needed to talk to her. You are doing the same thing. "What if something happened and I really needed to reach you?" Tough $hit. You really needed him to be a husband and now you can't reach him emotionally. He gave up the right to reach you when he moved out. That means you shouldn't be on call for his physical or emotional needs. If he has D, pick up then. Otherwise, he doesn't really need to reach you. If he's in trouble, he can reach out to his girlfriend. Tell him that. You can't think of any reason he would need to reach you instantly. He can leave a message, and you'll get back to him when it's convenient.
I know your D is kind of young, but can you possibly get her a cheap phone, maybe an old one of yours, that can be exclusively for H to call D on? That way you don't have to be involved at all in their phone calls.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Glad everything is moving forward N. Just take care of yourself, get some good rest when you are able to do it. We live a life thinking about getting to some place and forget to live the travel...
Enjoy your present as much as I know you enjoy your girl. Share that time with her. You are her role model.
Sending you and D a big hug and wishes for a shiny weekend.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Nic, you have so much patience. 3.5 years is a long time and WH seems to still be in his own la la land. Kudos to you for standing up for so long, I am already drained at 7 months, there are times I feel if he just went away from our lives for good it will be so much easier. Find happiness where you are and in who you are, rest will all just fall into place one day. (((Nicole)))
