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A Message from Michele
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Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2840490
03/05/19 11:50 PM
03/05/19 11:50 PM
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I can give a little input on this topic as a parent and as a teen.

I was 17 when my dad left my mom. And yes, he cheated. And yes, he married OW. Itís much more complicated than that, but, from my perspective.....

I knew what my dad did. But my dad was my world, the one who raised me and I didnít want to know about it so I avoided asking for a long time. I just didnít want to know. I just wanted him to be my dad. I wanted out of their issues

As a parent.... my daughter has come right out recently and asked me if her father cheated on her. I at first asked her ď do you really want to know? Is this going to benefit you at all? Then I distracted her with the cookie stand we were going to, because she is 11 I can distract her with cookies.

I will tell her the truth when I have to. Not with angst and bitterness, just with truth. I dread the day it comes that I have to answer it because I donít want her relationship ruined with her dad and stepmom. But like juju, my daughter does know this wasnít my choice.
Tough stuff. Itís unfortunately. It in any parenting book

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841581
03/13/19 02:00 PM
03/13/19 02:00 PM
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Thank you for your perspective Ginger, it seems that you have a very good relationship with your father, so knowing doesn't seem to guarantee a loss of parent / child R. Loved the cookie distraction method, hilarious.

I joined a new singles group a about a month ago on facebook, most of the members live in a city about an hour north of me, but there are some members that live in areas between the two cities. I live on the very northern edge of my city, I'm about 30 minutes north of downtown of my city and about an hour south of the cities downtown north of me, so I decided the distance wouldn't be a deal breaker, mostly because I just haven't met many people who live near me so I'm always driving anyway. So anyway, I met up with the group two weeks ago for a night out at a dueling piano bar, I've always enjoyed going to those and it was a lot of fun. I ended up having a nice conversation with a lady who is 8 yrs older than me albeit looks very young for her age (lets call her smalls since she is like 5' 100lbs, but not frail). I didn't see it as anything other than getting to know someone in the group (wasn't trying to pick her up), but I enjoyed the conversation and ended up talking to her for a couple of hours.

During our conversation, another girl from the group came up to us and before I had even noticed she was there I heard her say something about dancing, my thought was that she knew smalls and had said that we both should join in with everyone dancing. I wasn't in the mood to dance and was enjoying the conversation so I declined and after confirming that I didn't want to dance she walked away. I ended up leaving before the night was over since I had a early morning apt the next day. There was a group picnic the next day that I went to, smalls was there and we talked a little, but I there was another lady there that I wanted to talk to so spent most of my time with her.

That day (day after the piano bar), the girl who had asked about dancing contacted me and told me that I should have danced with her. Although I thought she was saying we should all dance, she in fact had specifically asked me to dance with her, I told her that I had misunderstood what she asked and would have danced with her if I knew that was what she was asking. Anyway, we ended up talking for awhile and made plans for a date last Saturday, I was going to take her to a distillery for a tour and then go out to dinner. on Thursday, she told me her father had rented a beach house for the family so she had to cancel the date.

Since I was looking forward to the distillery tour (they make rum and moonshine, and I've never been to a distillery) I contacted smalls and invited her. She had plans with her son during the day and couldn't go, but invited me to a country bar that she was going to that night with some friends, I accepted the invite since I really enjoy country bars, although I've taken line dance lessons I don't really dance, but enjoy watching the ladies dance.. Ladies in tight jeans dancing around Is just sexy. Anyway, there was a guy at the club who was trying to hit on smalls, so she asked me to stay close so she could shake this guy. I had a really good time, we laughed, danced a little and towards the end of the night we were slow dancing and I ended up kissing her, throughout the night I had become really attracted to her.

All that to say that I'm not sure how I feel about her being so much older than me. Right now, you would never know that she is 8 yrs my senior, she is very attractive, active, healthy, etc. But it does give me pause when I think what the age difference may be like in 5 or 10 years. I do realize the hypocrisy of this, being that women frequently get involved with guys 8 yrs, or more, their senior and I had infact had just recently made a date with a lady 12 yrs my junior (in fairness she told me she prefers "older men"). I guess my main concern is that I live an active outdoor lifestyle and it's important to me that my "partner" be able to partake in that with me (not all the time but occasionally)..


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841590
03/13/19 03:31 PM
03/13/19 03:31 PM
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C'Nut - I think there is a bias among single people of both genders towards younger potential partners. It's just that men get away with it more than women.

If you look at the long game, women tend to live longer than me and are often healthier as they age I believe. Also if you want to be a bit more "practical" if they have a good pension they can retire before you, you've got a stay at home partner who also has an income and the energy to still be active.

I think some women look at a mature guy as being perhaps more stable and in some cases a jump start on a comfortable life without the struggling middle part. But then what happens when we aren't as active and they are still in their prime?

I was given some excellent advice a couple of months ago here. It was to look at the person more so than the package and the externals. Especially with OLD it's easy to just "swipe left". It seems to have worked rather well for me at present.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841609
03/13/19 06:33 PM
03/13/19 06:33 PM
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Coconut - I don't remember how old you are or what stage of life you are in - that can make a big difference.

Example - if you're young and think you might like to have another kid one day, dating a woman 8 years older is a dumb idea.

On the other hand, if you're 50 and she's a vibrant sexually active 58 - she's still likely to outlive you.

Longevity runs in my family (mom is 87 and just retired last year, her mother lived to be 99).

I think that this is actually a smaller age gap than the other way around - that is, a guy 8 years older than I am is likely to die 10-20 years earlier than me, whereas a guy 10 years younger might last as long as me.

I DO think though that some men's egos can't handle dating a woman who is older - because some men are used to being the "older, wiser. more powerful" person. My ex-husband was 4 years younger than I (we married when I was 30 and he was 26, which was a bit of a gap) and I think on some level it always rankled him, especially as I was his professional equal and he knew that I did better than him on exams in school (which I never felt was significant - his type of intelligence is different than mine but equally valid - but it bothered him). When he left he ended up marrying a girl 19 years younger who acts like she's 15 and is not quite his equal in terms of professional accomplishment (although she is a professional). I think she's fine but that there's a part of him that enjoys NOT being in an equal relationship.

For the record, since my divorce in my early 50's, I've dated one man who was a couple of years older. All the others just happened to be younger - ranging from 9 years (Mr Big Lots) to 7 years (crazy ex-BF) to 3 years (CMM). In none of those relationships was my age a factor in any way. The only times it was a factor was a couple of dates who were waaaay to young for me.(More than 15 years). Still friends with them though.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841618
03/13/19 07:26 PM
03/13/19 07:26 PM
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Oh and btw - not an intentional act on my part but guys a little younger than I am are more likely to still be sexually functional if you get my drift. Sex isn't everything but if a woman is postmenopausal and still sexually vibrant you probably have no worries going forward - if she's lost interest in sex after menopause that's a different situation.

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: kml] #2841712
03/14/19 12:32 PM
03/14/19 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by AndrewP

I was given some excellent advice a couple of months ago here. It was to look at the person more so than the package and the externals.


Interesting thought, I will admit the age difference kept me from thinking of her in a romantic way initially, but as I spent more time with her and got to know her a little, I stopped seeing the age difference and started becoming attracted to her.

Originally Posted by kml

I DO think though that some men's egos can't handle dating a woman who is older - because some men are used to being the "older, wiser. more powerful" person.

Thank you for your input, gave me some insight that is helpful, especially the menopause thing, not really something I've ever talked about or thought about. To answer your question, I'm 46 and she is 54.

Everyone I've ever been in a relationship with in the past has been very attractive, I've always dated up as they say. When I first decided to start dating last year I tried to convince myself that I wasn't going to limit myself to what I've been used to, but that's not been an easy thing to get past. I've often found myself thinking about what others would think of "her" when I'm out on dates, I don't like that I do that, but it's not a habit that's easy to break. Over time, I've been able to think about that less and have tried to replace that thought with a good ol' "I don't give a **** what other people think, I think she is cute".

With her I found myself asking that question again, it will be the first time I've ever dated an older woman, thus part of my reason for my asking for thoughts. One of the things that I have struggled with is I have a very young looking mom, she had me at 18 and has always been very good looking (friends throughout school always felt the need to tell me how pretty she was). I've been out with a few woman in their 30's who looked or acted older than my mom, and I just wasn't able to get past that feeling. Anyway, I think my ego would be just fine dating her, the fact is she is one of the more attractive woman that I've dated lately.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841770
03/14/19 05:33 PM
03/14/19 05:33 PM
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46 to 54 is kind of a perfect age gap - she'll probably still outlive you but not by much.

I do get though that you having had a young, attractive mom puts a little bit of an "ick" factor into dating an older woman.

Just remind yourself that physiologically you both are probably the same age. And if she's post-menopausal you don't have to worry about accidental pregnancies!

Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841804
03/14/19 07:51 PM
03/14/19 07:51 PM
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My brother married someone over 10 years older then him. My brother is considered really good looking (I remember my friends all having crushes on him when we were younger) and heís very well educated. We all adore her. They are honestly, the healthiest couple I have ever met. I remember when I was with my ex, comparing us to them and feeling like I wish I had their relationship.

I dated someone 6 years younger then me before i dated my recent ex bf. He loved me (or told me he did) I did not have those feelings for him. Some things I really liked about a millennial man, somethings not so much and weíre real deal breakers . Like KML said, it all depends on where you are in your life and on the individual.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2841817
03/14/19 08:27 PM
03/14/19 08:27 PM
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B had a laugh today when I mentioned to her that I told the kids that with the power outage we had for much of the day that I'm glad that I'm dating someone who gets hot flashes laugh Not that she has ever even been inside my house - but still - unexpected side benefits of dating an older woman?

My ex started going through menopause at around 49 I think. It was pretty rough on her and part of what I think led her off in to la-la land. It made me "almost" feel sorry for OM having to deal with her rages. They were quite nasty and to the degree that I worried about self-harm. Age can vary quite a bit as can how they feel about things like sex after "the change". Coming on to the scene after that can be an advantage I think.

Given your age C'Nut - you are in a bit of a conundrum. You are still young enough to start another family and since you've not had kids of your own it may be something to think about as to if that is one of your priorities. And at 49 you are young enough even for a woman in her mid 30s to seriously consider. Or the 20ish one you flirted with but that is a bit of a stretch in many ways. On the other hand you are nicely into "boy toy" category for many older women and as an established adult, a safer pick for them.

You sir - are prime real-estate. But don't let it go to your head wink I get the strong impression that you are still looking at finding who you are and what you want in life as opposed to those of us who have made our choices about whether we will be looking to re-couple or not.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Weathering the Storm [Re: Coconut] #2862158
08/20/19 11:26 PM
08/20/19 11:26 PM
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Its been awhile since Iíve added to my story, Iíve been keeping up here occasionally, but I havenít had much to say about where I am. Mostly I just live my life, I have been dating but havenít met anyone worth mentioning, not dating anyone I see as a possible long term R.. I am sexually active (fwb situation), but we are open and honest with each other (as best as I can tell), she knows Iím looking for LTR and she isnít ready to commit, but I havenít changed my stance of not sleeping with more than one person at a time.. anyway, I saw someone on OLD today that really caught my attention today. She is a bit younger than me, by about 8 yrs (sheís 38 and Iím 46), but what she said in her profile is what Iíve been looking for. Sheís country at heart, into the outdoors, isnít afraid to bait her own hook, enjoys being out in the woods, on the water and just generally enjoys the outdoors. She stated she wanted more than a hillbilly, likes someone who is intelligent and is educated.

Iím back here because I want to ask for advice, I reached out to her in a completely different way than my norm. Iím always honest with woman nowadays, good or bad, but I donít tend to show my emotional side. I tend to keep it short and to the point, not wanting to lead them on, but I indulged with her. Iím concerned that I may have presented a side of me that doesnít portray me completely, and may give her an impression that Iím more ďbetaĒ (for lack of a better term) than I am in Rís. Anyway, here is what I reached out to her with, I was going for humor, but worried it may be taken the wrong way. What say you?

I donít have many people come across my OLD profile that I feel are worth reaching out to, but I saw one today who really caught my attention. I decided I want to really try and get her attention so I wrote the following and wondering what yíall ladies think. Did I say too much?

Keep in mind, she stated in her profile that she likes humor and she likes someone who has something to say, to use your words, so I went all out.
óóóóóóóóóóóóóóóóóó-
Iíve been told I sometimes say too much, one person even told me I wrote a book in response to a question that was asked; but you asked me to use my words, so I shall indulge your request. Iím a pretty normal guy, although my young niece recently told me I was not normal because my second toe is slightly longer than my big toe and hers isnít.. I just told her I like the way my feet look and Iím ok with embracing my uniqueness.

I like to live life, I moved here from Ft. Lauderdale to get away from urban sprawl and gain access to the great outdoors, I have taken full advantage of it and really feel alive. While i clean up well and am comfortable spending a night out on the town rooftop dining overlooking the city, Iíd prefer taking a dirt road to the lake, picnic on the shore after a swim, dance in the glow of the headlights after sunset and end the night in the back of the truck looking at the stars. One of my current goals is finding a clear dark night sky so I can get a clear view of the Milky Way, I was able to get a glimpse of it a few weeks ago while camping in the mountains near Boone, but the sky wasnít quite clear enough to really see it in whole, just the brighter parts of it. Hopefully the next new moon will give me the opportunity.

I donít consider myself old, definitely donít live that way, but I recently realized that Iím older than google, that hit me pretty hard. I mean, google seems like itís been around forever.

Hopefully at worst youíll find this a little entertaining and youíll get a smile out of it even if youíre not interested. At best, youíll realize Iím educated enough to use the proper forms of you, your and youíre; to, two and too and you have lowered your (not youíre) standards enough to find that alone attractive and want to write me back.

This is by far the most Iíve ever written for first contact, but I enjoyed writing it, thank you for challenging me.

Have a wonderful day,

Donnie


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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