I am so happy to read that you had a normal date and you both enjoyed yourselves. This is so much better and if the normal dates continue, he might just be the one that will be there for the long haul. Keep it simple and don't rush the process.
How are you coming along on packing? When do you plan to move into your new home?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yay for you, G! So thrilled for you to find a nice, normal dude. Glad you enjoyed. I would say a big helllllllllllllllllllllllll no to the apple picking. What kind of person, step mother or no, invites another adult to do something in front of a young child? Of course the child is going to want to go and want to make mom (in this case you) feel like they should go. Duh! That is just a no no. Reminds me of when we were kids, our parents had a rule that if we wanted someone to come over to the house or to spend the night, we must ask BEFORE we invited the person and we could NOT ask in front of the person. That allowed for the no answer, IF it was necessary (which it usually wasn't) without creating a super awkward situation.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Agreed. OW just sounds oblivious. Like she just does not know better regarding lots of stuff. I think its ok to call her on her ridiculousness. Im the queen of nasty passive aggressive remarks so what i would say is...
"Dont you think that would be a little awkward for me to be around... (name of woman that set them up)? She is the catalyst for a lot of the stress and suffering i went through while pregnant. Thank god daughter was born healthy. One day i am positive you will understand better" and then adopt the greatest expression i have learned from southerners. "Bless your heart"
Agreed. OW just sounds oblivious. Like she just does not know better regarding lots of stuff. I think its ok to call her on her ridiculousness. Im the queen of nasty passive aggressive remarks so what i would say is...
"Dont you think that would be a little awkward for me to be around... (name of woman that set them up)? She is the catalyst for a lot of the stress and suffering i went through while pregnant. Thank god daughter was born healthy. One day i am positive you will understand better" and then adopt the greatest expression i have learned from southerners. "Bless your heart"
This is awesome. There are so many layers to that onion. You're not only taking a shot at that woman, you're explaining the reasoning being that she was on a team of people that destroyed your family, with OW being the captain of that team (or co-captain with XH). So you're actually telling her you think she's a horrible person you want nothing to do with and calling out why, to her face, in front of your daughter, but all without saying anything directly to her. Then the 'bless your heart' is just the mic drop. Nicely done jj.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I love what Juju posted! It will give her something to think about and come to realize just how crazy it was to suggest that you be invited along on this outing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I love it too! But admittedly, I am not brave enough. We all get along, and I am just too tired to even put tension back up there. I conflict avoid, obviously.
She has never acknowledged what she has done to me and our family. I would actually respect an apology, but she has never come to me like a woman and gave me one. And I know she knows what she did was wrong.
It's sad that I let them all "get away" with it and I sweep it under the rug. I do it to keep peace for our daughter. But one day, and mark my words, she will hear it from me and what I think about what they did. Ex has heard it from me, oh, and she will too.
She has never acknowledged what she has done to me and our family. I would actually respect an apology, but she has never come to me like a woman and gave me one. And I know she knows what she did was wrong.
It's sad that I let them all "get away" with it and I sweep it under the rug. I do it to keep peace for our daughter. But one day, and mark my words, she will hear it from me and what I think about what they did. Ex has heard it from me, oh, and she will too.
You didn't let them "get away" with anything. You moved on. NOTHING wrong with that. I get what you are saying because I felt that way at first too. I didn't even want an apology from my XH's new skank as much as I just wanted him to acknowledge what he'd done, but through counseling and just some long, deep thoughts with myself, I realized that it just didn't matter. So, for me, in order to move forward, I had to let go of him ever acknowledging that he'd, indeed, broken our marriage vows by sleeping with another woman while we were still married. He wouldn't admit it then and he won't now, so she certainly won't, though they are both very well aware of what happened. I finally found my own peace and happiness in just letting it go. You have to do what is right for yourself and I think doing it now to keep peace for your daughter is a great thing. But, I urge you, think about just letting it go because another 8 years until D10 is D18 is a long time to hold on to it to wait for an apology and to have your say to her. She's already proven she's not a decent woman by what she did to your family and hanging on to that for another 8 years is not likely going to change anything. Why not go into your "new" life when D10 is doing her own thing as an adult without a grudge and just living your best life for YOU? You deserve to give yourself a break and be happy. You said XH has heard it and based on everything you have said about him before, I would suspect that whatever you said fell on deaf ears, so I'm not sure why waiting for 8 more years is going to change his or OW's ability to really hear and understand what you say. They won't likely ever fess up to how wrong their actions were and if they are still married to each other in 8 years, that will just give them more ammo to say that what they did was right, which will only make things worse for you.
I'm certainly not trying to be Debbie Downer here. Just trying to help you see a different perspective. You are this amazing, strong, fantastic woman and you are setting an example for D10 with everything you do. She seems to be a bright, well-adjusted young lady from the things you say and I would imagine that is quite a proud achievement for you, to raise such a fine young woman. XH is her dad and you can't change that. XH was an a$$ and he and OW ruined your family. You can't change that. What you can change is how you frame that in relation to your own current life and future. As D10 gets older and your dealings with him become somewhat more removed from each other, I hope and pray that you can find a way to just let go of the past and move forward and live your best life with only those who are important to you in it being the major players.
Give yourself some credit, G. You are dealing with a sh!tty situation and you handle it with grace and style. That's a lesson your D10 is seeing constantly and she'll be better for it. And, as she gets older, she WILL see XH and OW for who they really are because kids are not stupid. She likely already sees it to some degree, but maybe can't process it quite yet, but she will as she matures.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
