And with the hat, I know you are right, and you make a good point about how that would be a good 180 for me. I didnt think of it like that. I thought of it more as im trying to be assertive, valued, respected, and if I continue to let him break my boundaries, he will always walk all over me. A Very clear boundary I have set is for him to NOT wear that d*mn hat in this house.
I dont think he was even thinking about it honestly, he wears a million hats, but hes told me he would burn it in the past and clearly its still here. Now its in our garbage can outside and im tempted to walk out, get it, and set it on fire.
But now I regret that I didnt ignore it. Do you think that is a big setback from the progress I felt like I was making. I get VERY mixed up here when he starts to say things like "im sorry for everything. I should have handled it better" and talking about our R. I can talk about our D all day and be very assertive and short and to the point. But he starts to talk about R and I immediately get happy thinking he is going to turn this around.
How do I keep myself from doing that? I need to stay on this path. 2x4s welcome
So this is where it gets hard because normally after he says things like that I would start to feel like he is feeling remorse and i would try to talk about R with him. And I know not to do that now. But he came by the house again a little bit ago because something happened with work and he was venting to me about it, and he had on the hat of the OW bar in the other city, that I have repeatedly asked him not to wear in our home.
Ketch, forget about the hat for a second. Why is he coming by your house to vent to you? You are letting him get exactly what he wants out of the relationship without actually committing to the relationship. Why are you still the person he turns to when he needs to vent? That's the role that a spouse should have, but he fired you from that role when he walked away. If you keep letting him eat cake like that, and keep responding to all of his "woe is me" texts, and keep letting him drop by the house whenever he feels like it, you aren't going to get anywhere. He'll keep doing that and carrying on like he is. Are you okay with that long-term? What boundaries do you have? You aren't going to get to R by being "nice" to him.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I dont think he came by to vent, I think he was putting a company card in the mailbox for his coworker to pick up, but he was in the middle of an argument on the phone with a coworker in the driveway and then came in to tell me about it. You are right. I dont know why I allow this.
When he comes tonight I need to leave, normally at this stage with him opening up more, I would stay and hang out with him and the baby, and I know I dont need to do that.
Is it possible that all those sad texts he sends are forgotten as soon as I make a mistake like the hat situation? From an outsiders perspective can someone tell me if my marriage seems like something thats salvageable if I stick to DBing? Because I want to stick to it. I just hope it gets the M back on track, and if not then I hope it gets ME where I need to be.
If it wasnt for you guys, I would be handling this ALL wrong over and over
Steve, thanks for the quick response. So you think what hes doing right now isnt really remorse, its more of him just wanting to feel like he has me on the hook?
Yes. It is kind of like in my sitch, my W wasn't sorry she was having an EA, she was sorry she got caught.
LBSs are notorious for being the most selfish creatures on the planet. Do not believe for a moment that his "it is so hard to leave her" texts are anything more than manipulations attempts. Even if the underlying feelings are real (he really does hate leaving her), but think about this morning. He was leaving for work. He would have had to leave her this morning even if he was still in the house!
As far as the hat:
Quote
dont think he was even thinking about it honestly, he wears a million hats, but hes told me he would burn it in the past and clearly its still here.
He told he would burn it. Clearly the hat has been a point of contention before. You honestly don't believe that he didn't think about that when he put that hat on as he was getting ready to come to see you (and D)?? Sorry not buying it. I have a ton of hats too, and I always think about the hat I am putting on my head, where I am going. etc.
But no the hat thing was more of a missed opportunity (not to react) than a real setback. More of a holding serve rather than gaining ground.
ANyway, keep DBing.........but please consider my advice about not responding to every single one of his texts.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
you are right. Thank you! My plan for tonight is to go get a nice long spa pedicure tonight while he is here and read DR which I bought this week and am really enjoying reading.
One thing I did notice, my husband was venting to me about an argument with his business partner. His business partner is actually a very good friend of ours, and normally I would try to calm him down and tell him to handle it in a good way and remember the friendship comes first, etc etc. But for the first time ever I had no desire to say anything like that.
I didnt even realize until after. All I did was validate his anger and say things like "wow ya thats frustrating". I have no desire to try to "fix" it for him or help make sure it smoothes over or even give advice on how to handle it, because ultimately I am detached from that portion of his life at the moment. I dont really have a concern if he keeps up a friendship with someone who has been one of his closest friends for 15 years, because it is no longer my place to save him.
Am I detached from HIM? not at all clearly. But it does feel as though I am detaching from the problems in his life I would normally take on and help him with. If only I could detach from him and the thought of the OW. One day maybe
He is trying to manipulate you to get it back. Quite being so available. Quit responding to every text. Quit reacting to hats. Stick to your guns with not letting him move back. Keep DBing!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^
If you do not hear what Steve is saying and change your interactions with H, you will end up divorced.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
. Now its in our garbage can outside and im tempted to walk out, get it, and set it on fire.
Great idea! Do it.
Originally Posted by kech
But now I regret that I didnt ignore it. Do you think that is a big setback from the progress I felt like I was making
No it is a learning experience. Everything is a learning experience.
Originally Posted by kech
But he starts to talk about R and I immediately get happy thinking he is going to turn this around. How do I keep myself from doing that? I need to stay on this path. 2x4s welcome
This is poker. Feel happy on the inside (or later).....Make him feel like he is loosing you.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Great plan! I think ready2change would highly approve.
I highly approve.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/07/1809:05 PM. Reason: combine posts
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
He is trying to manipulate you to get it back. Quite being so available. Quit responding to every text. Quit reacting to hats. Stick to your guns with not letting him move back. Keep DBing!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^
If you do not hear what Steve is saying and change your interactions with H, you will end up divorced.
This is definitely enough to scare me. I dont want to end up divorced obviously. I plan to stick to my guns. I feel like im finally in a better position, I want to keep this position. I just dont know how to do it necessarily. But i believe we have a plan in place for the weekend so I will hold him to it, and keep myself busy. He made a comment the other day talking to the baby and he said "Your moms always so busy doing a million things". And I hate when he says things like that because hes not here during all the hours Im just hanging out with her playing and stuff. He makes it like Im too busy doing things to slow down and enjoy her. ALL I do is enjoy her. Hes not here.
And im obviously trying to be busy and leave when he is here. So I dont know if its backfiring but I also dont care. I will continue to be the lighthouse. I think some things might be starting to catch up to him in his own life, business wise, money wise, etc, I dont know. We will see.
