I think by now I may have migrated from newcomers to mid life crisis forum, but looking for the moderators to validate. WAW and I have been separated now for over a year. 4 kids affected; two from us (1 year old and 5 years old) and two from me from previous marriage. WAW shows all the signs of MLC - some days she seems to be turning around, next days she is picking fights with me. Latest was a family vacation filled with fun and laughs, followed by a filing for divorce two days after we return. Been good at GAL, and trying 180s where I can. Dont initiate contact unless she does and it's then short. Call the kids everyday when I am away. WAW and I are nesting in the house with the kids. WAW filed for divorce a little less than two months ago and nothing since from her attorneys. I just wish this nightmare would end and she either finishes what she started or decides to work on the marriage. I still have hope she has a change of heart but prepared for the worst.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm very sorry you are here, but there are numerous people here walking the same path as you are. Some way ahead, others behind and then there are those right where you are...so feel free to ask questions and post your thoughts here. I am going to post Cadet's Welcome posting here for you to read:
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, Job. Have read through these links several times and continue to do so for guidance and strength when I am having bad days. One of the hardest things I struggle with is trying to make sense of it all. I made mistakes in my marriage but I have worked tirelessly to be a better person and better husband. I have patience, but the patience comes and goes and I begin to question why it takes someone almost a year to decide what they want to do when we've been married for only 4 years. I feel at times that WAW just wants continued infatuation that comes with a new relationship but then when things got routine, she got bored and my absences with work and with time with other kids took time away from us. I believe her parents are saddened by the whole thing but are too scared to confront her and so they enable her MLC behavior. Does anyone know how to best deal with WAW family?
Also, does anyone have any ideas or clues to know or signs to show the MLC WAW is coming to her senses? Does filing for divorce, but then nothing for two months mean anything? Also, are there any tips on what to do when I've detached this long and don't see any signs? I was not available for years and now when I have made effort to try to spend more time with the kids or at the house, it gets denied. I guess it is too little too late on her part...
I don't know what to tell you, other than this is a very long haul. Gordie has been a champ, but his results are not typical. If this is MLC, you have years and years to go ahead of you. Mine showed the earliest signs 8 or more years ago. I think he fought it and I pushed for him to stick around, so he did. But the resentment built and built. It has been an awful 8 years. I kicked him out almost 2 years ago at the kids' request. He was a boomerang, then off and on, and now he is vanishing and withdrawing.
I mostly leave him alone. I've been trying to get a financial settlement for the last two years. Goaded him into filing a few months ago because I was told to let him be the one to file. All he does is stall. He's never told me what he wants, what he thinks is fair. We agree to things and then he won't sign off on them and says he never agreed. Now that he has filed, he is refusing to pay a fee so the case is just sitting there. If he doesn't pay the fee it will be dismissed.
I have begged, pleaded, and done all I can to get the financial settlement or the divorce so I can move on. He won't do either. But he monsters at me from time to time and tells me to move on. The rest of the time he completely ignores me. He contacts my kids, but they don't respond. He won't come to see them anymore.
I know you think it is a long time, but one year is nothing. Sitting on a filing is typical. Allowing cases to be dismissed is typical.
All you can do is leave her alone. Mirror what she does. If she contacts you, respond. If she doesn't, leave her alone. Stop watching her. Stop keeping tabs on her. Stop caring what she is doing.
If you aren't seeing the kids, use the divorce filing for that purpose. Get some temporary orders for custody.
A year isn't all that long in the land of MLC. It can take years for her issues to be resolved or she may never resolve them and continue to walk this earth a very confused woman.
What happened approximately 18-24 months prior to her beginning to show signs of MLC/confusion? Something had to set her emotionally state into motion. MLC's main ingredient is depression. There will be days when she is sweet as pie and then she'll flip on a dime and want a divorce. That's the confusion talking. She is on an emotional rollercoaster and it can be very frustrating to the spouse because you never know what to expect at any given time.
As for the WAW family, treat them as you always have. I would advise not discussing the situation w/them because blood is thicker than water. They will need to see how their daughter is behaving before they will come to realize that you aren't the one driving the "divorce train".
They want a divorce and some will begin the progress and yet, not follow thru because it's a lot of work and they can't focus on it. Some will screen "divorce" to get the spouse to back off and leave them be. In some cases, the spouse will need to file to protect the assets and set child visitation schedules and support.
The best thing you can do is treat is as a roommate for now and keep the focus on you and your children. If she's in MLC, she will become the exact opposite of the woman you know and love, i.e., the mirror image. They return to the age where they were emotionally stunted and, hopefully, will grow up from that age, after many years.
For now, dig deeper for patience, read all you can about depression and MLC, and most importantly, take care of yourself. Keep the focus on you and your children. Leave her to figure things out for herself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OneArt and Job, I accnot thank you enough for the advice and perspective. It helps me a lot. My WAW and I met at work when I was going through a divorce of my first marriage. We clicked and were inseparable. We started dating heavy after my divorce and she got pregnant. We married later that year and she bonded so well with my eldest kids. My job requires a lot of travel and I was away for visitation with my eldest so, I think this, coupled with PPD she was diagnosed with after the birth, lead to MLC. I think she went from business trips and fun to stay at home with two kids. I did not help by not being around, and then BD. She separated once before when she was pregnant with #2 but we reconciled for 6 months and then BD and wanted divorce. For a year it was picking fights with me and trying to get me to file. 1 year later she finally filed and now nothing. I live at her siblings house when not nesting, so at least her family is ok with me. I think they know it is her, but they do nothing. I am most scared for my eldest, who already went through a divorce just 5 years ago. There are days I am angry for her selfishness and there are days when AU just want to hug her because I miss her. I have written so many cards and offered so many times for trips or dinners or just time away; all denied. Does not want to talk about R or M; only writes. Based on your feedback, I just assumed wrongly to assume MLC came with years married, but I guess it just happened due to other circumstances. I several female friends who want to be with me, but I do not lead to temptation, because I still believe in her and us.
MLC can happen to anyone, i.e., married, single, and doesn't single out couples by the years that they have been married.
Sounds like PPD kicked in and she feels trapped being home all of the time. She misses the attention of working and the business trips, i.e., the excitement of doing something w/her life. Now, she thinks her life is boring w/no purpose except being home and raising children.
I suggest that you stop writing cards, offering trips or dinners, as well as times away. She feels pressure and it sure looks like pursuit on your part. Just leave her be. She can't work on herself if you are there front and center. Her focus is on you and it now needs to be on herself.
I would not get involved w/someone else until you are, heavens forbid, divorced. Why? What would happen if she work up and wanted to work on things w/you? There would then be three in the relationship and someone would get hurt. Do not give her anything in the way of justification as to why she's doing this stuff. If she were to see you getting involved w/someone else or just dating, that would give her justification to do the same thing or bring it up in a divorce proceeding. You are smart to leave this be until you are absolutely certain the marriage is over, filed and done with.
Dig deeper for patience and when in doubt about something, do nothing. If you sit quietly, the answers will be revealed to you when you least expect them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is fantastic advice and reading, Job. You nailed her to a T. She started a part time job and her parents live in the house which has been fantastic for daycare but probably contributed to her thinking I do not need to be around anymore when she has support. Do you have any advice on my kids? My eldest are in love with her and their siblings and I do not want them exposed to this until it is absolutely necessary. For now, I have been lying and saying them and I spend weekends with their half siblings because we are trying to get the youngest to not be so attached to her. That lie only goes so long. What makes it also difficult is I live in two different states, kids in each, so coordination is hard. This is what makes her behavior so frustrating. We started a blended family and built a schedule that we thought would work but now that is all thrown out. I've tried to work with my ex on a new schedule to get more time in the state where WAW and my youngest are, but ex won't budge and forces me to reduce significant time with my eldest to agree, which I cannot do in my heart. The links you sent tell things so well; the path of destruction she is making in the lives of so many for herself, is endless.
Trying to negotiate with your MLC spouse is quite taxing
You cannot make them do anything
Have you consulted with a lawyer re your rights
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
