Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[AnotherStander]

I agree with DV and Davide. She moved out, she's cozy with OM, she took the ring from you. Yet she EXPECTS you to keep insurance on it? No, that dog don't hunt as we like to say in TX. It was very big of you to apologize and validate her feelings, you handled it perfectly. Nothing more is needed.

[Chris73]

Thanks everybody. I'm so grateful to have a place to vent about this stuff and get support.

[joejoe1]

Let me asked the obvious question. Why is she so worried about an engagement ring that you gave her if she is with OM? Seems to me she is holding on to something and if she is that frantic you have to get out of her way. You also need to ask yourself what did you do wrong. How can you even apologize for a position she put herself in?

If you bumped into her and knocked her down, you apologize. But if you are living your life and she creates a problem herself you validate and keep moving forward with your life. Your are absolutely right that she waited almost year to ask question about this ring, also she waited until she lost it. If she would not have lost if, would you have heard anything about it, most likely not. Don't take on needless burden, this is her bag to carry, let her. Stay out of her way and do go wagging your tail to get her attention, she's not reaching out to you to get sympathy, she was really trying to she if you were covering her A$% by continuing to carry her on your insurance.

Keep up the great work Chris. Her not being on your insurance, is her new reality. And if the OM was such a hot shot why is she so worried about a ring you gave her? Keep moving forward.

Onward and forward

[Chris73]

Thanks Joe. I guess I am finally learning how to handle these things. Even if my head and my heart are screaming inside I try to take a pause and ignore them when I respond to her. Doesn't always work, but it did in this case.

Why is she holding on to the ring?

She claims that she's saving the ring for when D7 grows up. I not sure why my grown up D7 is going to want a ring that symbolizes her parents failed attempt at marriage, but whatever. It's hers, she can do what she wants with it.

Perhaps a more accurate reason might be that the ring is an emergency money fund in case something happens to her business (she's self employed).

Could it also be that she's saving the ring because she just doesn't want to let go completely? Deep down I consider that wishful thinking, but I don't really think so.

[Chris73]

Sometimes I feel like one of the kids from the Nightmare on Elm Street movie who are so afraid of their dreams that they don't want to go to sleep!

Not that I'm necessarily afraid of my dreams, but the last 4 nights haven't been fun. Sometimes I dream about my ex and we're back together and happy. Other times she's doing her GGW routine. And sometimes she's angry with me. But regardless, waking up and realizing how much she is still on my mind is pretty depressing and it certainly doesn't get me all psyched up to get out of bed and start my day!

Today we had a quick meeting to discuss the holiday and birthdays (both kids have birthdays in December). The original plan was for her to come to my house xmas morning so we could do gifts together. But now she's decided that she'd rather not do that at all. She wants to do two completely separate xmases and other than one or two big things that the kids want, we will be buying gifts separately.

As it stands, the four of us will still share a meal on both kids' birthdays, but that's about it.

I suppose I'm in the "acceptance" stage now because I didn't put up any kind of fight. I mean, what is there really to debate about? She can't make it any more clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, so why protest? It's just such a hard pill to swallow, especially since my thoughts linger too much on the past and how different things were only a few years ago.

There are plenty of people who insist that I shouldn't feel responsible for the decisions she's made to cheat on me and abandon the marriage. That it doesn't really have anything to do with me and that there was nothing I could have done to change her mind.

But there's always that little voice in my head that reminds me of how many opportunities I had over the course of our marriage to show her how much I valued her and our relationship. And every time I missed one of those opportunities, a little more of her love/respect for me leaked out of her bucket, until one day it was bone dry.

I suppose this is all great mirror work for me in the hopes of eventually starting a relationship with a new person. But right now I just wish I had a time machine...

[ovrrnbw]

I suppose I'm in the "acceptance" stage now because I didn't put up any kind of fight. I mean, what is there really to debate about? She can't make it any more clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, so why protest? It's just such a hard pill to swallow, especially since my thoughts linger too much on the past and how different things were only a few years ago.

It's time to stop worrying about her, and to worry about your own life and how to have a great one.

There are plenty of people who insist that I shouldn't feel responsible for the decisions she's made to cheat on me and abandon the marriage. That it doesn't really have anything to do with me and that there was nothing I could have done to change her mind.

You're responsible for your part of the marriage failure, but you're not responsible for her actions to step outside of the marriage. True, a bad marriage often leads to this type of things, but that neither justifies or causes it to happen. A WW/WH still chooses to do wrong.

But there's always that little voice in my head that reminds me of how many opportunities I had over the course of our marriage to show her how much I valued her and our relationship. And every time I missed one of those opportunities, a little more of her love/respect for me leaked out of her bucket, until one day it was bone dry.

That's a NGS tendency, but let go of what you cannot control and fulfill yourself by spending that energy in a positive place.

Those dreams stink, but they will fade. I've noticed mine really faded as I gave up on worrying about everything all the time. Yours will fade too.

[Chris73]

Ex continues to make it clear that she wants no part of the four of us spending any time together.

In the last post I mentioned that she squashed the plans to do a gift exchange on xmas morning.

Last week she told me that the RC car we had planned to buy together for S9's birthday had already been bought by OM and that now we needed to find something else. I told her that I didn't think a $170 RC car from OM was an appropriate gift and that it was inconsiderate of her to put the onus on me to think of another gift for him after a month of trying to figure out what he might like. I also told her that I would be getting a gift for him by myself, which (I'm sure) freed her up to tell S9 that the RC car is from OM *AND* her.

Today is D7's birthday. Last night they went out to dinner with OM and OM's D16 and then went back to her house for gifts and cake. I won't see her until tomorrow, but we have lots of fun planned for the weekend.

In a way she's doing me a favor by forcing me to detach further. I understand that her primary fear is that if the four of us spend too much time together it will give the kids a false impression that we're getting back together. But I think that having OM in her life makes it easier for her to say no to any plans I suggest.

I still have yet to run into OM. I don't even know what he looks like. I'm dreading this day and have spent hours fantasizing about what I might say to him when that day comes. S9's basketball games start soon so I'm sure it's coming...

Meanwhile, GAL efforts are going well. I gave up on the idea of dating for now. Really not ready.

My house is really coming along. Still a lot of work to do but lately I've been walking around thinking, "this is starting to feel like MY house instead of OUR house".

Lately I've got the bug to start cooking more often. I'm going to invest in a good wooden cutting board and a couple decent knives. I like the idea of perfecting a skill that can make other people happy... and impress the ladies when the time comes!

[ovrrnbw]

Has your W filed for D or separation?

Here's what you say to OM if and when you ever see him: Nothing.

Leave out how it's inappropriate of OM to get your kid a toy. Your W being with OM is inappropriate, and that's the real issue. You gave her the satisfaction of knowing that her actions still bother you. Why?

How do you know that your kids were out with OM to dinner?

[Chris73]

Hi overnbw!

Has your W filed for D or separation?

There is no legal separation in our state, but nothing has been filed. It's really just a convenience for her because she's still on my medical due to a cancer scare earlier this year. It's definitely cake eating. My decision to file or not file is partly based on my nice guy syndrome, but also because I'm bit worried about how she'll react. Up until now, all the decisions we've made regarding splitting up assets and custody have been cordial and without much debate. I don't think that surprising her with papers out of nowhere would be a good idea. So I've been trying to broach the subject of filing no fault and just splitting the lawyer fees, but I'm being a bit of a wuss about it. I should probably make it my new year's resolution to get the process started...

Here's what you say to OM if and when you ever see him: Nothing.

That would be a perfect strategy for me, but let suppose that the first time I meet him is in a public setting in front of the kids and he extends a hand to shake. Do I just leave him hanging? Who'd end up looking like the a-hole? Certainly not him...

You gave her the satisfaction of knowing that her actions still bother you. Why?

I guess it's partly because we've been working together so well with the co-parenting. It's all very cordial. And we had agreed on a really good plan for the holidays and gifts. Then she springs this on me and it riled me up!

How do you know that your kids were out with OM to dinner?

I FaceTime with my kids every night when they're not with me. That night D7 told me that he went to dinner with them... and that he was still there while I was talking to her.

[STH17]

My decision to file or not file is partly based on my nice guy syndrome, but also because I'm bit worried about how she'll react.

Worried about how she'll react is NGS, not "but also". Non-NGS is: however she reacts, I'll handle it.

Here's what you say to OM if and when you ever see him: Nothing.

That would be a perfect strategy for me, but let suppose that the first time I meet him is in a public setting in front of the kids and he extends a hand to shake. Do I just leave him hanging? Who'd end up looking like the a-hole? Certainly not him...

Absolutely leave him hanging. You don't owe a handshake to him just because a hand is extended to you. Handshake means "nice to meet you." If that's what you want to say to him, then do it. But I think it's a good clear example of boundary setting to not shake his hand. Doesn't need to be a passive aggressive silence/ignoring. You could tell him you're not shaking his hand and then start talking to your kids "Hey who's hungry? Let's get some food!". Same as going dark on a wayward spouse. Cordially(optional?) end the conversation and go be awesome. I also wonder if you could touch his wrist with two fingers and lower his hand back down. "Yeeah I'm gonna pass on that.." Or a wave of your hand with a simple "No thanks". If he insists, you say "I said no thanks". You'll handle it
I wouldn't worry about looking like an a-hole, but I could understand giving consideration for your kids possibly feeling like they have to pick sides with you and him if they see you shunning him. Hopefully they just see an awesome man/father setting healthy boundaries for himself, but they will form their own opinions either way.

You gave her the satisfaction of knowing that her actions still bother you. Why?

I guess it's partly because we've been working together so well with the co-parenting. It's all very cordial. And we had agreed on a really good plan for the holidays and gifts. Then she springs this on me and it riled me up!

I actually think Chris handled this pretty well. You had a plan, she cut you out of it, and you made it clear you are not okay with that behavior. You established a boundary by not making a new plan with her for son's gift, committing to taking care of it by yourself. She had the opportunity to give your son a gift jointly with you, and she has now lost that opportunity. I do agree that the real issue is her being with OM, but I wouldn't bring her choice to be with him into this conflict which is about her supplanting you in the plans you had agreed upon. And while it may not help in DB, you are entitled to voice your opinion about the inappropriateness of OM getting son what was meant to be the crown jewel of the gifts you were giving son. I'd be angry too. He can buy him some socks. I think you did what you could here, and best now to just take care of getting a gift from only yourself as you said you would.