Hi all. I'm resurrecting this thread because the title is still apropos.
Quick recap of my sitch:
BD on 5/27/16 (2 years and 3 months ago) In-house separation started on 11/24/16 (6 months later) Nesting started on 6/12/17 (7 months later) W moves out 1/8/18 (6 months later) Living on my own as a part-time, single parent (7 months an counting)
Nothing has been filed. House has been refinanced in my name. W received a cash payout. Joint physical custody, close to 50/50 (technically 43/57... one extra overnight for her since I work full time) Monthly child support payment from me. All other child expenses split 60/40. No other joint finances or debts.
A couple months ago my W made her new relationship public to me in a family counseling session. We were both aware that I knew about it since it started back in October of 2016 but I think her new relationship status became "official" because she wanted to legitimize the inclusion of our kids into the time she spends with her new man. In the session she told me that he offered to talk to me about the situation... I suppose this was their attempt to make me feel more comfortable about him spending time with my kids. I declined the invitation. I'm not ready to play nice with him. Probably a selfish decision on my part.
Since going public our kids have had a lot of exposure to her new man and his older kids (16 and 21). They have dinner together on a weekly basis and just recently spent 4 days at the beach together. Without any provocation, my kids tell me things about him. Most of them are things I don't like, but nothing that is cause for concern. I try very hard to not say anything disparaging about him to my kids, but it's very difficult.
On the flip side, I've dipped my toes in the dating pool a few times and felt very uncomfortable. I've met women with kids in similar situations as mine and there's a temptation there to move quickly into a new relationship. But I think it's primarily for the convenience of having someone to lighten the parenting load and provide comfort during the lonely times. And that's not a good enough reason for me to introduce a new person into my kids' lives. If I start a new relationship with someone I want it to be because I really like them, not because they can make my life easier. So I think the dating thing will remain on hold for a while.
The 3 of us just got back from a week at the beach. This was the second year that we went without my W and it was just as difficult to manage everything as it was last year. There were a few moments when I lost my cool and I put a pretty big dent in a bottle of bourbon, but overall we had a great time, made a lot of fond memories, and kept a few summer traditions alive.
Although there wasn't much of it, I spent most of my quiet time at the beach journaling, thinking about my marriage, and how I feel about my W now that more than 2 years have passed since the BD. I still love her very much. And it's extremely hard to admit that to myself when I consider all of the crappy things that she's done to sabotage our relationship and disrespect me. But when all my defenses are down, that's the raw truth. I'm not over it.
This feeling of limbo is difficult to live with. I don't like the woman that she's become. I don't think it's possible to repair our relationship right now even if we both wanted to. I enjoy my newfound free time and I don't want to give it back. And yet, she's still the first and last thing I think about every day. I'm still attached to her words and actions. I still behave as if I'm trying to impress her or influence her thinking. I miss her very much.
If anyone with fresh wounds is reading this, the only thing I can say is that I don't think detachment is something you can actively work on to accelerate. All of the advice given by the vets on this board encourage newcomers to detach and start living your life for yourself. This *IS* good advice, but I think the detachment aspect is more a of "fake it until you make it" thing. Your feelings don't need to dictate your actions.
True detachment seems to come automatically when enough time has passed. When I think about old girlfriends that caused me serious heartbreak, I'm fully detached. I don't care where they are or what they're up to and nothing about them influences my current thoughts or behaviors. But this isn't the case with my W right now. And despite all of the energy I expend trying to move on, I think there is a part of me that needs to remain in heartbreak mode for a little longer.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
C - My XW introduced my girls to her new BF as well. She asked me if I wanted to meet him and I declined. I told her that as their mother I trust that she will look out for our D's and only bring men into their lives that will be a positive impact. If your not ready to meet him then don't, I was not ready to meet my XW's BF and while it doesn't really bother me too much I assume if he sticks around then I will meet him at one of our daughters activities. They have been exclusively dating for several months now though and that still has not happened.
I don't think it is selfish on your part but as you know there is nothing you can do about it. I think at this point in time you do what is best for your kids and for me that means a cordial R with him whenever we meet. I don't want to make it difficult for my kids and I never ask them questions about mommy's BF. If he ever gets brought up in conversation (which is very rarely) I will just listen to what they are saying and let them know "That it sounds like fun" or "That is nice"....something like that.
I see a lot of maturity and introspection into what you are saying. I agree. It takes time. Only time. But be a great parent and responsible role model in the meantime, as it sounds like you are doing.
Have you ever just told her this is just plain wrong? You're married and should be acting like it or getting divorced?
You have no formal separation agreement? I see it says nothing filed.
I've been in limbo for 5 months with zero kids but how do you kids tell their friends that their folks are married but mom dates other men?? I'm going to read up on your sitch this evening.
This is crazy and I'm so sorry for you. I guess it's time to reread the detachment links. Have you pursued and let her know you're still interested at all this year?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Have you ever just told her this is just plain wrong? You're married and should be acting like it or getting divorced?
I've been seriously considering it. I know I can't do anything to change her behavior, but I'd really like to be blunt in our next session and tell her that I don't condone (or agree with) what she's doing as it pertains to the kids and OM. Frankly I think she's being selfish. She wants to include everyone in her life together because it's easier for her. Having to keep our kids and the OM on separate schedules is difficult. But as far as I'm concerned that's what she should be doing. The kids have only been dealing with the "new normal" of living in two places for about 8 months and I think it's too soon to introduce another person into the mix.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You have no formal separation agreement? I see it says nothing filed.
There's no legal separation in our state, but we did write up a formal separation agreement and had it notarized. The underwriter for my mortgage refi required this.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
... how do you kids tell their friends that their folks are married but mom dates other men??
I don't know how they handle it when they're not with me. We've told them that mom and dad are not married anymore and are just good friends. Neither of us have worn our wedding rings for over a year. W insists that she and OM are never amorous in front of the kids and OM is never described as anything other than "mommy's friend"...but I don't buy it. My son is smart enough to know that he's more than just a friend.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Have you pursued and let her know you're still interested at all this year?
No, not at all. Our relationship is pretty much reduced to business partner status. We discuss the kids and almost nothing else. All the feelings I have I pretty much keep to myself.
It's a difficult situation to be in. I don't want to get divorced, but sometimes I feel like finalizing the end of the marriage is the right thing to do.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Agree you have to fake detachment until you make it
Cannot be forced
Only you know your boundaries
When my w got in a serious R and introduced the kids to OM
I was depressed
And then I was angry
And then insisted we get divorced
Limbo without OM was ok
Limbo with OM was unbearable
I went dark and really stopped interacting with her
All while still cohabitating
When the d was about to go final
She dropped the D and the OM
It is still complicated but getting better
Not saying you should do the same
Just wanted to share what happened to me
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Chris - long time, no see. A couple questions for you.
Originally Posted by Chris73
On the flip side, I've dipped my toes in the dating pool a few times and felt very uncomfortable. I've met women with kids in similar situations as mine and there's a temptation there to move quickly into a new relationship. But I think it's primarily for the convenience of having someone to lighten the parenting load and provide comfort during the lonely times. And that's not a good enough reason for me to introduce a new person into my kids' lives. If I start a new relationship with someone I want it to be because I really like them, not because they can make my life easier. So I think the dating thing will remain on hold for a while.
In my opinion, there is no rush to introduce a new person into your kid's lives. So I wouldnt worry about meeting people for "convenience". I think you will have plenty of time to get to know someone and really identify that they are a good match before you bring your kids in. Im just curious what exactly you are waiting for in order to consider dating further? What trigger will help you to identify that "it's time"?
Originally Posted by Chris73
I still love her very much. And it's extremely hard to admit that to myself when I consider all of the crappy things that she's done to sabotage our relationship and disrespect me. But when all my defenses are down, that's the raw truth. I'm not over it.
[snip]I don't like the woman that she's become. [snip]
Im also curious what exactly you love about her. At this point, is it simply the memory you love? The good times in the past? Or is it still the person that she is now?
Originally Posted by Chris73
This feeling of limbo is difficult to live with.
At this time, what is your reason to not file for divorce? Not saying that you should or shouldnt. But Im curious what it is that you want to hang on to right now. To me, you are keeping yourself in this limbo state. Maybe it's a divorce decree that will help "set you free"?
