Hi all looking for some support and advice here. I will keep this short as possible because it's a familiar story here.
Married 10 years 2 kids aged 8 and 10. After 3 years of being a workaholic, being selfish about it, arguing with my wife and not paying attention to her needs about 7 weeks ago she said she was done and wanted a divorce. I felt like I was punched in the gut. I immediately did the we can fix it routine, you really don't want that, lets solve this etc, it fell on deaf ears. She cut me off completely, no affection, no sex, she insisted this was the end. It was all business. She has the separation papers and divorce papers in her desk. She never kicked me out she said she was scared if she did I wouldn't come see the kids, so I am still going home when I can. She never filed any papers she said because our financial situation isn't great right now and then I would have to leave and it would be hard for me to see the kids cause I would have nowhere to live except for the back of my store. I went through some pain, a lot of grief, a lot of guilt and self hatred. Then I got online and did a lot of reading, downloaded audio books, and came to the realization that she was right about everything, but I want to save my marriage, because I am truly in love with her and want to spend my life with her. I realized I had to first of all accept what was happening, realize that if it did happen it would not be the end of the world, and get stronger. I realized I had to change and if I didn't change that there was no chance of saving my marriage. So I set about changing, I lost 18 lbs (another 20 to go). When I was around her I started to listen, I keyed in on what really made her angry. I started coming home when I said I would come home, I started to spend more time with my kids and quality time, and that's been awesome, my kids adore me. I backed off, I didn't attempt to touch her, I spoke softly, I communicated what needed to be communicated, and kept it as simple as possible. We went for dinner she agreed, I went for a haircut, bought some new jeans cause my 36 pants were falling off me now. I told her I agreed with her, she was right, and I accept her decision. I apologized for all the times I hurt her and told her I can't go back and fix it, but we need a new relationship, and if that was only a friendship I was fine with it. She noted that I was looking good, and she said the change in me was almost "scary" and told me she couldn't believe I can continue. I booked for some counseling on my own, she told me she didn't believe I would follow through. Fair enough, talk is cheap, action is what counts.
On side note shortly after she said she wanted a divorce I looked at her texts, there is a man she works with and there has been some very flirty behavior between them. I mentioned it once, I told her I was aware, I didn't want to talk about how I knew, and I told her I didn't want to speak about it further, I just had to get it off my chest. This is still going on, but I have noted it less flirty on her side, I don't put a lot of stock in the guy as he is going through a separation right now and I believe he's been pursuing my wife for some time prior, so I can't have much respect or stock in a man that would pursue a married woman. I do understand that she perhaps feels some attention and maybe she needs it due to my lack off.
Ok fast forward to last weekend. I was on my way home from my store, she had gone to happy hour with some coworkers and she texted me when she was leaving, maybe that guy was there maybe not, I didn't ask who she was with, it doesn't matter and I am not a jealous man, although my wife is gorgeous I don't believe she has ever had an affair. She told me she was stopping to get a bottle of wine and asked me if we could stay in and have some wine, she asked me to get some snacks and we would sit out on the deck. So we did the neighbor came over for a bit then he left, and it was us, we had drank a fair bit but I was not intoxicated, she was probably a bit more than me. All night as she was talking she kept grabbing my arm as if to emphasize something, countless times. After the neighbor left we started to talk, and she broke down, she cried, she told me she hated men, she told me how some guy at the pub told her she was hot, she complained about some other guy was treating her (I am assuming it's the guy from work I didn't ask) then she really unloaded on me with a ton of anger, got abusive, I tried to touch her back she told me not to effin touch her, when she got more abusive I got up and told her I was going to bed because I didn't need to be abused. She said "there you go same as always run away when things get hard". So I sat back down and let he unload on me for another 15 minutes. She calmed down, then she started playing more music, then she grabbed my hand and held it. I held her hand sitting there quietly, then I kissed her hand. Soon we were dancing on the deck and kissing each other and well you know where that goes. So after 7 weeks we had awesome passionate sex. Then in the morning we did again. So I was feeling screwed up the next day so was she she had to work the afternoon and she texted me and said we needed to talk. So when she was home she talked about how we can do that stuff etc, then we spent a good 2 hours talking about our relationship, she stated again that she was skeptical that I could maintain the change. Fair enough. The next day we spent the day together with the kids and had a good day, there was some light affection both ways. We got home went to separate beds and slept. The day after we made a fire in the firepit and sat up late talking, listening to music, and having a few beers. She was lightly affectionate as was I. Well bedtime guess what, here we go again, and then again in the morning, I called a staff member and told them they need to open the store and I would be late. So that was a couple days ago. So today she is a bit cold not sure what to make of it. I am committed to saving my marriage, what do I do next, I honestly didn't expect to e having sex with her and I am not interested in friend with benefits, what is my next move? Should I try be more affectionate? Should I slack off again?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I confronted my wife today about the texts with the guy from work. She blew up on me and is very angry. No mention of her EA just angry that I looked in her phone, she mentioned that it's controlling, and she's probably right. But I honestly don't care I feel better that it's off my chest. I told her it was wrong for me to snoop on her phone, just as she has done to me countless times, and my Facebook, and my emails. I feel so much lighter now I think it will create a bump in the road but I think she understands and shes shocked and feeling guilty. If we can't have everything in the open than we can't build a new relationship as far as I am concerned.
Can you share your ages? I see you've been married 10 years, how many together? Any previous marriages for either of you?
Paulzee, I'm interested in your sitch because it is very similar to mine. Especially the voracious sex. That happened about 10 weeks into my sitch. It's all documented in my threads. I don't want to give you false hope by my wife have been in R and piecing for almost 6 months now.
I will saw things do look bright for your chances at R. With the spending quality time together.
Couple of red flags. Her drinking. Would you categorize it as excessive. Could she hang out on the deck or at the firepit with you without drinking?
And her behavior the night on the deck is a bit concerning. Does she often swing wildly between extremes like that?
Oh and welcome to the forum!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Can you share your ages? I see you've been married 10 years, how many together? Any previous marriages for either of you?
Paulzee, I'm interested in your sitch because it is very similar to mine. Especially the voracious sex. That happened about 10 weeks into my sitch. It's all documented in my threads. I don't want to give you false hope by my wife have been in R and piecing for almost 6 months now.
I will saw things do look bright for your chances at R. With the spending quality time together.
Couple of red flags. Her drinking. Would you categorize it as excessive. Could she hang out on the deck or at the firepit with you without drinking?
And her behavior the night on the deck is a bit concerning. Does she often swing wildly between extremes like that?
Oh and welcome to the forum!
Hi Steve thank you for the welcome. Do you have a link to your thread? I don't mind answering your questions I am 47 and my wife is 37. She does not drink excessively we do partake from time to time but there are no issues spending time together without alcohol. She does not have typically wild mood swings but I think her frustration with feeling attracted to me again coupled with her anger for how I treated her the past 3 years may have triggered it she's probably confused also. She is sometimes quick to anger over small things but it was worse when she was younger shes much better now. Do you think I did the right thing confronting her on her EA at this point in things? I really needed her to know that I knew the truth about her relationship with Greg, she was playing it off as just a friend, I needed it off my chest. It was pretty flirty for sure and way outside a friendship including her basically telling him all about our marital problems.
Probably should have done it sooner if you were going to do it, but I'm they confronting type so I'm with you on feeling the need to do it. It'll be interesting to see how she reacts once she mulls it over.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m certainly no expert but I’m almost 4 months in and have seen what does and doesn’t work. I blew up at the first sign of EA and it literally threw my WW on a 4 week bender with the other guy. I have since learned to mention him as little as possible if not at all. All it does is reinforce controlling behavior and push her away.
Although I have to admit 10 years ago when this happened, yes I am a two time LBS, I left right away and it shook my wife and it was a 2 week R. Only to be back here again. But I still have hope, keep working on yourself and don’t push too hard.
My wife has been initiating sex as well even though she has not wanted to talk about R and I can only do my best work and hope that she remembers why she married me 17 years Ago.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I’m certainly no expert but I’m almost 4 months in and have seen what does and doesn’t work. I blew up at the first sign of EA and it literally threw my WW on a 4 week bender with the other guy. I have since learned to mention him as little as possible if not at all. All it does is reinforce controlling behavior and push her away.
Maybe you're right lost8 and that's exactly what she said "stay tuned for more texts you will love them" lol. Just couldn't keep it in though problems or not it's wrong and I can't regret my decision need to live with it now if it shuts her off it shuts her off. Need all cards on the table I am working hard to change she needs to change also and that needs to stop.
Originally Posted by lost8
My wife has been initiating sex as well even though she has not wanted to talk about R and I can only do my best work and hope that she remembers why she married me 17 years Ago.
That's encouraging have you tried to hold back? I know it's damn hard to do.
