Husband left for second time - 7

[OneArt]

Nicole, you have done a great job and come so much further than I thought you would based on early days. I think my fear for you, and perhaps others, is not how you are handling this time alone, but how you will handle it when he inevitably tries again to come back. I think we are trying to gird you for that.

The way you talk about yourself and your options is also very limiting. I don't come from a conservative background, but although liberal in my beliefs I live a very conservative life by choice. Please don't put so many boundaries on your future, which is unknowable to you now, and think expansively about where it might take you and who might be there with you. You don't have to figure all of this out today. Just live today. Find the joy.

[Jim1234]

Perhaps the answer is to stop talking about that final glimmer of hope, to suppress it both internally and externally, and to present an image that I've moved on to the world and even to this forum and that is the next step? It doesn't feel intuitive to do that but is that what others have done?

Jim, you say fake it 'til you make it so maybe this is what you're saying. Is that right? I can also try to convince myself that my husband isn't coming back since even getting fired didn't make him stop and think about his life. On the other hand he's still on a trajectory towards becoming closer again. I heard him asking our daughter on the phone how I'm doing. He's been applying for jobs in the Midwest and said "I'm doing this for us, so I can support us." He's been calling more often and he's more like his normal self. My sense is that he's been dating someone again recently but I doubt it's serious or else he'd disappear again or start pushing for divorce again. He hasn't asked to spend the night here, so obviously he's not willing to take any risks, but I'm still waiting to see where he finds a job and decides to live.

Jim, I'll also try harder to keep an open mind and to be honest if I meet anyone. I still don't feel comfortable with dating but if I meet someone where there's mutual interest we could try meeting and talking and see where it goes. It's hard not to have those obstacles because my whole life has been based on sets of rules and limitations that served as a safety net and helped in making the right decisions (except for marrying my husband obviously). It's hard to let go because if I just go with whatever emotions I feel at the moment I might end up with someone who isn't right for my daughter or who will have the same characteristics as my husband. I'll try to let go but not to the extent where I make bad decisions. It's a new area for me. I have no interest in starting over with a new man but I know as time passes I can't depend on my husband coming back.

I will try to find a new counselor and I'll keep trying to get past this point of being stuck. I'll keep everyone posted on how this happens and I greatly appreciate advice from those who've made it past. Thanks again.

Like KitCat said, don't minimize how far you've come. You have been kicked down, but you've gotten back on your feet and all things considered, you're doing well.

And yes, that's pretty much what I mean. Faking it is the external part, and I have made a point of reminding myself of the many ways W was a bad wife. That's the internal part, and it's been helping me tremendously to gain some distance.

I liked what KitCat suggested about dating. You said you've lived your whole life based on sets of rules and limitations.... whose? The were supposed to be a safety net, but that didn't turn out very well, did it? You were VERY brave, moving away, finding a job, getting an apartment, taking care of your D...... Those all worked out pretty well. I think maybe you should take a few more chances. There are very few decisions that you can make that are irreversible. Maybe it's time to rethink some of those rules.

[NicoleR]

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your responses. I've been out-of-town so I'll respond to each of your responses as soon as possible. In the meantime I just want to say it's been an odd couple of days. Several months ago I signed up for a retreat this past weekend. I'm sure I mentioned it to my husband but two days before the retreat he called to say he just bought a ticket and he's flying up for the weekend to see our daughter. I told him we already have plans and we'll be out-of-town. He was upset but decided to come anyway. On Friday before we left he had to take his father to a place down-the-street from us while our daughter was in school. It takes an hour to get here from their place. He brought his father here, took his father back home, turned around and drove here to see our daughter for a short time, and then turned around and went back home. The next day he drove three hours to the location of our retreat to see our daughter for two hours and turned around and drove three hours back. He acted really annoyed with me that I made these plans and inconvenienced him. I didn't apologize or feel bad of course. He could have coordinated with me but he always makes last minute decisions like this. I just don't understand how or why he'd make all that effort to fly and drive and yet he's largely absent from our daughter's life aside from these short visits and two minute phone calls each day.

I also want to share a big coincidence. I've written about the guy I met through work who is based in the UK. His company is small and specialized in a certain area. This weekend I was in the middle-of-nowhere on a retreat and a woman in my group mentioned she does international work similar to what I do. I later asked her where she works and her response? The same company where this guy works. She's American and it's just so unlikely that she works at that company. She'll be at the office in London next week and she'll meet this guy in person (she's new there). I wrote last week I also met his colleague who passed through my city. And now a member of my team will move to London next week and meet him as well. Just so strange because my company has never worked with that company before and our first venture together was the one that I led. I'm still talking to this guy often. It sounds like we'll meet because our companies seem to have won the business that he and I pursued together. I'm trying to grasp how someone can enter your life unexpectedly and suddenly you have so many connections with that person and so much instant synergy. I don't expect we'll ever end up in a relationship but something big happened the moment we made contact and now we're in each other's lives for better or worse.

The retreat I attended was religious in nature and for those who are religious on this forum, I drew the conclusion that ultimately what led to our situations in most cases was our spouse alone, or both we and our spouse, fell away from God and lost their way. Or maybe they never believed in anything greater and they're wandering through life lost. Maybe we've been lost as well. One thing religion does is give you a clear path to follow. I've had confusion in this area but I'm trying to address it. Whatever religion one follows I do believe strengthening our faith is a critical element of getting through this turbulence in our lives.

[OneArt]

Nice post Nicole, but...those of us who are not religious have spouses in similar situations. I too have a very clear path for myself. I think I’ve mentioned before, that while my beliefs are quite liberal, I lead a very conservative life (not only do I not drink, but I’ve never been drunk, tried any drug, or taken a single puff on a cigarette). I don’t believe I’ve ever been to a bar and married my first boyfriend and have been married to him for more than 25 years. Not trying to attack your beliefs, or those of others, but have the profound sense that there is schism developing on this site between the religious and not religious that really makes me quite sad and seems often to get in the way of people trying to help people. I hope everyone here keeps in mind that this is a place where presumably we are unified by similar experiences in our intimate relationships, and that we happen to have different spiritual beliefs should not divide us. I would never suggest people shouldn’t embrace their faith, but it seems to be becoming some kind of a clique or badge or something. Just my thought. Quite certain some people will be offended by this, although I assure you I mean no harm.

[NicoleR]

Hi OneArt, I see what you're saying and I'm not offended and hope I wasn't offensive either. I don't even have clear religious beliefs but my post was more about it being one of the ways we can cope with what's happening. I was reminded by attending a retreat that it presents a clear path but that doesn't mean there aren't other paths. For many it's exercise, music, hobbies, expanding social networks, etc... that helps them the most. In a broader sense we don't need to be religious but let's say we, our spouses, or both experienced a loss of morality or ethics (in lieu of the word God or religion). Most of us have a sense of what's right or wrong. Ultimately many of these spouses must know what they're doing is wrong because it's hurting their loved ones and their actions are self-serving which isn't how it's supposed to be in marriage. Anyway I found that faith is important but I should have edited my e-mail last night to word it differently. I apologize for that. I'll make an effort on my end to avoid deepening the schism since we're all suffering just the same from the loss of our marriages and faith is one of many elements that plays into our situations.

[Davide]

Nicole,

I am not religious at all (although I am trying to develop a non-religious spirituality) and I didn't think there was anything offensive in your post. Many people here have told me that they are praying for me, or made other religious observations, and I take them for what they are - genuine expressions of caring coming from a different perspective/tradition than what I subscribe to. I haven't felt excluded at all.

Ultimately many of these spouses must know what they're doing is wrong because it's hurting their loved ones and their actions are self-serving which isn't how it's supposed to be in marriage.

I think in your case and in many of the sitches here that is clearly true. Breaking up a family and putting children through this process is horrible. But in cases like mine, without children, is it really unethical to walk away from a marriage that you are not happy in? I don't know that it is. I think one of the biggest lessons that I have learned from this process is that we are responsible for our own happiness, that we need to be self-sufficient, that we need to be "enough." If that is the true, isn't there a case to be made that walking away from a marriage that is dragging you down can be an ethical decision?

[OneArt]

Nicole, I was in no way offended by what you wrote. It is your thread and you can write and feel and believe whatever you want. I just saw an opportunity to comment on something that has been weighing heavily on me and I believed from your writings and sensitivities that you would understand where I was coming from and hoped you would take no offense.

I am not an atheist, but I it feel no differently about their choice than I do about that of a Muslim, Jewish person, Christian, Buddhist, etc. I always say that because I don’t practice any of them, I can support the right of others to believe in any of them. I simply do not like the devisivsness that often comes with it. I am not talking about telling someone you will pray for them, or recounting a lssson or a favorite verse.

I don’t want to call out anyone in particular, but I am uncomfortable when one believes he is more enlightened, or more deserving or more righteous because he practices a given faith. A little tolerance is all, a recognition that we each carry our own crosses as it were, and just remembering that in our search for community and support, we are more alike than different.

[LANE777]

Nicole, just wanted to give you a quick thanks for chiming in on my thread when I was in need. I like hearing from anyone no matter the circumstances. I hope you're doing well and things work out with you. I have a belief that some might find a bit different. I dont think coincidence is in Gods vocabulary. I think god puts people in our paths on purpose. Some help us grow and sometimes it might put us in the trial of our life. But I also know we all have our freedom to choose. And with that freedom there is consequences. And that's why alot of us are here..lol. Anyways, that's a little deep. I just read above how you met a guy from a different company that your company does business with. Good luck!

[LoneWlf]

I think god puts people in our paths on purpose. Some help us grow and sometimes it might put us in the trial of our life. But I also know we all have our freedom to choose. And with that freedom there is consequences.

Hi Nic,

Just to add to this - I want to bring up a small story I told my S when he was smaller. The moral of the story was that we all have God given gifts. I started by saying that God has given each of us many different gifts for us to use on our life journey. It is up to us on how we use or give these gifts. Along our journey we will encounter all sorts of people. Each person is placed on a path for a reason. Some may teach us skills, some may teach us lessons. It is up to us on how we take and interpret these gifts. So through your life when you encounter someone new or old ask yourself -what do I need to learn from this person?
My son was about 5 years old when I told him this- He asked very puzzled, "Well what if the person is very mean, what do learn from this?" After some thought I responded " This person is giving you the gift of how NOT to act-how you should treat everyone with kindness". We all have met these people - It becomes our choice on how we are to act. Just like in a M when things go bad- we all can choose what to do.

Anyways Nic- I thought I share that with you and hope you choose what is right and come out with happiness and peace. Blessings!

[LoneWlf]

Hi Nic- it's been a while since you've posted. Hope all is well. (((hugs))). Keep us posted on your progress. Know we are all with you - Blessings!