I am staying away from her on FB. I found the guy on FB because S wouldn't leave me alone about going to hang out with him.
Yesterday was weird. And almost...better...? I don't know. W came to pick up S, and she wanted to have coffee and talk about taxes and stuff. We ended up talking about things for several hours. Come to find out, she is totally broke (she got paid Friday and had to pay a lot of late bills), so I gave her some cash to buy food for S. She asked if I would sublease her apt, I told her I can't do that. She said she's going to give me a lot of her furniture when she moves out of her place, S's bed, etc. will be coming back to my apartment. She asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and S, so I agreed. After that, well, things got strange.
I mean, they were strange before that, but weirder.
Without going into too many details, she said that of all of the stuff I used to get mad at her about when she first left (specifically, the guys), she knows I was right about them. She admits she's still seriously attracted to me, but she is still also talking about the "I don't want to feel caged up" thing (and she never was). Somehow we got on the topic of our sex life before she left (or lack of it) and what she was wanting that I wasn't doing. Well, that would have been better to know back then, but it was never really discussed. I told her I never had a problem doing the things she wanted, except I was unsure of myself, not confident, and kind of afraid to hurt her.
So after lunch, she was putting S in her car, got him buckled in, and I ran upstairs to get his backpack. I stopped in the restroom for a second. I didn't know she came upstairs. I asked her if she was okay, because she was just standing there looking at me funny. Then she kind of tried to get sexually aggressive with me. And then I said "I think you have the wrong idea about me..." and turned the table on her. Not in a bad way, just in a more...dominate way...I know, I know, it got really weird for about 3 seconds. She laughed, then I just kind of got my composure, said "sorry about that, that was weird." She said "f*** you" and walked out, got in her car, and drove off.
Later I apologized, but then said "look, I'm not okay with you leading me on like that. It's disrespectful to try to make me feel those things when you have no intention of following through or staying with me, because while I understand that to you sex is just a physical thing, and it can be for me as well, I'm not one of your boy toys and I am not okay with being used." She agreed. She also said we should try this new restaurant in town...without S. I said maybe.
But mostly, she got flustered and said "we should not be together. you can't just be the person I've always wanted like that!" and basically complained that it's not fair that suddenly I'm what she's wanted the whole time, because I'm owning up to my mistakes, having a backbone, standing up for myself, taking care of my business, and not putting up with all of the bs.
Well. I'm not sure where it's gonna end up. But one thing seems to be clear...something in her is different. And she's starting to look at me again like she did in the beginning.
No guarantees. I'm gonna keep moving forward.
Oh. She did say "we can't go back." I said I didn't want to go back. She had also said "there's no forward for us, either." And I said "there is for me, and I'm going forward either way."
But that was before she got all flustered about stuff.
I know she'll probably keep the D going. But she seems to be starting to put two and two together.
Bm you said a but too much. Standing up for yourself what you say it's what you do. Next time she starts saying stuff like that listen.... And validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh, I did leave that part of of the post. I have definitely been listening and validating. That's probably part of why she's still open to talking lately.
Sorry. I sometimes think too fast when I'm typing, but I absolutely appreciate the reminder.
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
