Nicole - I don't think that there's anything wrong in not wanting to do online dating and going to bars etc to meet up people and find dates that way. However, there's tons of other ways to meet people and socialize. Meet up groups, parent groups, hobby groups etc. But, I would definitely talk to a therapist about everything because I feel that your reticence to do this is probably based on fear of the unknown and getting rejected. I maybe off-base here, but I was told by 2 people when I said I wasn't interested in dating right now and they both came back to me about the issue of fear. I hadn't considered it and they were right. That was definitely a major reason aside from others that is holding me back from dating.
If you don't want to do casual dating until you're D, that's totally understandable. That's my position right now because I don't think it's fair for the other person when I am not 100% committed to being open and exploring casual dating or a relationship. But figure out what is going on emotionally for you and then see where it leads you.
I would say at a minimum try and expanding your social circle and focus on socializing and meeting people without any agenda. That's my goal this year to just be more social and explore friendships. Take it a bit at a time.
I'm not good at recognizing a lot of things so if you read this could you kindly clarify how you know my H knows I'm waiting? I just don't know what else I can do because even if I started partying and acting wild he wouldn't know because he's far far away. I'll try the flowers and lingerie thing that KML mentioned next time he's here - making him see some signs that I've got stuff happening even though I don't. I do like the guy I met through work last week though. If only he were older I'd definitely consider him. I wish I could meet someone just like that who'd be a better fit. Then I'd probably see divorce in a more positive light whereas right now it's like the end-of-the-world. That's why I'm trying to challenge myself to stop thinking that I'll be alone, there's no one else other than my husband, etc... but I just have to keep trying to think more openly I guess.
Trust me he knows...
Because when you suddenly have other things that are pulling at your heart and mind you will act, look and overall just be different. Right now your situation has all of your attention outside maintaing a job and your D.
You need to do your 180 girl!!!! You need to join a meet up group that is mixed with men and woman equally. You need to step outside your comfort zone and meet someone in a way you never thought you would. You do feel ready to date you need to go on lots of first dates (believe me this is how you learn so much about yourself!!!!) Accept that date that you might not have if it were the old you. You need to work on your interpersonal skills. Its been a long time since you dated and you need to brush up those skills so that when you do meet someone you think might click your not a rusty clunker but sleek Mercedes!
Its not easy to put yourself out there. I went on a lot of dates with people I didn't think I would have a true long term connection and I learned so much about myself in the process. Some of those guys turned into good friends, business connections, etc. Some of my first dates became hilarious stories. I've got the best first date stories!!! Now I did online dating but I was safe. I always met in a public place usually for a late lunch. I always drove myself - needed my own get away car! Late lunches accommodate a drink with dinner and if it was going well we could extend the date to a movie or some other activity.
Now I met my H online. I accepted his request to chat because I was trying to be the opposite of who I was. The old me would have never given my H the time of day. We chatted off and on. He would try to nail down a date but the fact that we were both single parents it was hard (and honestly I wasn't jumping at the situation.) Now I ended up with an extra concert ticket... went through my ENTIRE friends list and no one could do a weekday concert so I broke down and asked him.... he called in sick to work that night to make it. Our first date has the best first date story ever!!!! Even then I wasn't sure I would do a second date but he was persistant... and now we are M.
So my point is - when it comes to dating... do try online but be safe about it. Do something the old Nic would never do. Trust me when you start these things you just have a different glow about it and others pick it up... including your H.
Now as to the pretending - like buying your own flowers, etc. Pretending can backfire. I would treat that water cautiously, I'm not sure how to put it in words but your H stills knows you are waiting on him... I still know you are waiting on him.
Nic, I know how uncertain life looks right now and I know everyone says it is better to make him a little jealous. And the truth is he needs to understand that life will go on for you without him and you can still be happy. Do it at your own pace though, with whatever makes you feel good. It should all be just to make you happy, to not change him or with any expectations of making him come running back. you know well by now that such a return is only short stayed
Thanks LoneWlf and Arsh for checking in. My daughter and I got sick last week while she's been off school for summer break. Then yesterday we were supposed to fly to the West coast to visit friends and we cancelled because we're both still sick. Other than that there are no major updates. I really wanted to come here and post to others' threads but I've been exhausted. One of the worst things about being a single mom with no family to help out is when you get sick - there's just no one to offer relief. I can't ask my friends because no one else wants to get sick. They offer to bring food or medicine but what I really need is someone to care for my sick daughter so I can rest but most of my friends have kids and don't want their kids to get sick. It's just hard.
Anyway I'll respond to the previous messages:
Maika, I respect your decision to hold off on dating. That must be hard. You seem much more 'normal' than me so I'm sure you'd do great if you wanted to meet someone. In my case it's not fear of rejection but rather fear of how to handle men who think that dating equals a physical relationship which is how most see it. I'm just not into that sort of thing. I'm 40 with a little kid and I grew up super conservative among an Amish and Mennonite community. For me dating just doesn't have appeal because there's a reason why it's called dating and not just friends meeting for coffee. Dating seems to insinuate that you might end up going home together at the end-of-the-night, or if nothing happens on the first date then it might on the second or third. I know I'm the one who is out-of-place and not the other way around. That's why marrying a Middle Eastern man worked well for me - there's no dating in that culture. You get engaged and married if you like each other. Sadly that culture also promotes a lot of behaviors that are bad because it's so restrictive but for me it works. The other option might be dating a really fundamentalist Christian who is super conservative but that wouldn't really work either because someone like that wouldn't like me who married a Muslim and is so close to the Muslim faith. I'm definitely meeting new people every day though and as I've mentioned in previous posts I don't think my social life this active even in college.
KitKat, that's pretty amazing how you met your husband. I guess that proves you have to give someone a chance and take a risk and it might pay off in a big way. I read all of your advice and I agree that's the way to go in order to fall in love again and move on. The problem is the message I just wrote to Maika above - I just can't bring myself to get into dating. The stuff you talk about would be a major 180 because I've never done any of that, not even in high school, college, or in my 20's. I had one long-term boyfriend and then I met and married my husband. I don't know. It's just not who I am. It's not really something I'm interested in. I don't know if I can force myself to do something where I have so many doubts about how it aligns with my values. I can't imagine sleeping with men that I barely know, or having casual boyfriends and every few months or years we break up and I just meet someone else and do the same thing again. I know this is how our culture works and that's the norm but I'm an ultra conservative person to my own detriment I guess. I'm not sure this 180 is something I can really achieve, but I do work in a male-dominated industry and I live in a male-dominated area (surrounded by tech firms). I'm friendly and I talk to men everywhere, on the street, in the elevator, waiting in line....making jokes, laughing. I have no problems meeting people and no shortage of men who would probably be interested but it's going to take a lot of therapy and deep introspection to convince myself that dating is the right way to go. I wish if I get divorced I'd just meet someone suddenly and we'd go straight to getting engaged like I did with my husband, although as you can see that didn't work out so well because he took off. I definitely need to focus on these issues with a good counselor. Thanks for sharing your advice though. You present an excellent roadmap that would likely work if I could follow it.
For what it's worth, the guy who I met through work is still e-mailing me. It's about work related issues but he always cuts everyone else out of the emails and writes about really insignificant things. Since I canceled my trip I'll meet his colleague (and friend) who is in town on Monday so it seems this will keep going on but I don't see someone who's a lot younger with no kids as a good match so I lost the excitement about it.
My husband went on some job interviews and he's waiting to see if he gets any offers. I have no idea what's happening with him. He may be dating someone but he also wants to talk to me sometimes when he calls our daughter and he makes a special point to say goodbye to me when he hangs up. A month or two back I prepared him a one-time meal just to see what happens but I didn't offer it to him. I just left the food sitting off to the side and he found it and ate everything. I'm not planning to do it again because I don't want him to think he can come here and get his favorite meals and a warm welcome and then go back to his girlfriend where he gets everything else he wants. The truth is I still don't know much at all about my husband currently and he doesn't know much about me. KitKat you're probably right he probably thinks if he ever wanted to come back I'm here waiting, but this limbo period can't go on forever.
That brings me to the final point which is trying to determine how much longer this can or should go on. I'm waiting to see where my husband gets a job and what happens to our house. If he moves to another state far away (which may happen) or if he moves to our area and lives with his family, I don't see much point in waiting years to get divorced in hopes that he may return because it doesn't appear that'll happen. On the other hand I still don't feel psychologically like I can make the first move towards divorce. My husband has made terrible choices, he's become a horrible person, and I have no respect for who he became, but I don't see what benefits there are to divorce. The only benefit I can see is if I meet someone new I'm single and can re-marry.
I guess I need to simplify my thoughts. In general I'm busy with my daughter, work, social activities, and errands but when I come here it seems my thoughts are endless...
The main thing I can say about this whole experience is I really do commend people who go straight to filing for divorce when someone cheats on them or abandons them. It just make so much sense. If someone breaks their marriage vows the marriage should end. I made big mistakes taking my husband back before he was ready to change and then making him miserable because he hurt me. The mistakes I made were bad. It seems my mistakes were almost as detrimental to the marriage as my husband's bad behavior were. I wish had been smarter. At least if I had kicked him out before he left and divorced him he'd realize what he lost rather than feeling he has all the power to string me along. I encourage anyone who is early in their situation to consider taking strong action but I'm also well aware how difficult it is to execute a divorce you don't want.
Nicole, there is nothing inherently wrong with being in limbo. It just [censored], but it does give you the gift of time, to either reconcile, or allow you to get your own mind straight about what you want. Limbo will only last as long as you want it to. When you are tired of being in limbo, and trust me on this, you will get tired of being in limbo, it's fairly easy to move on.
As far as dating, if you don't want to, don't. I get that. Personally, I don't think you are giving men enough credit. Do most of the men you'll meet want to sleep with you? Yes. But just because you date them doesn't mean you have to sleep with them. My suggestion is not to think of "dating" as "a prelude to sex". Just think of it as a pleasant evening out with interesting conversation, some decent food, or maybe an activity that's just fun or different.
Also, go where like-minded men go. Your Mr Right isn't at a singles bar, but maybe he's at church or a mosque. I suspect you'll run into some there who are divorced, against their wishes, and will respect where you're coming from.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, thanks for taking the time to respond to that long message. I need to work on being brief.
I'm tired of being in limbo but I also don't feel it's easy to move on so it's hard to say what's happening! It's good to know it should become clearer over time.
I agree that going on a first date should and could just be dinner and conversation without feeling so much pressure to fend a guy off. If I ever do go on a date, which I have no idea if I will, I'll try to not be so limited. The only concern is if you start dating someone and it gets serious the guy thinks it's time to start spending nights together and I say no at that time, then he'll probably be upset that he wasted his time. I just feel it's so much easier to skip this whole ordeal. I probably won't meet a guy at the mosque though. Almost every mosque has separate male and female entrances and they're totally segregated. Maybe in the parking lot?! I'm not so sure about church either because the one I was attending was 100% elderly people but maybe I'll find a new one where we live now.
I'm guess if I ever meet someone it'll be through work. That's how I met my husband and where I have unlimited interaction with a wide range of people.
The guy from the UK is still in the picture via work. Today his colleague (who is also his friend) came to our city and I met him with my boss. For whatever reason that one week when we all wrote that paper together made a big impact on us all. The guy I met today was also involved. My boss seemed surprised by how well we know each other after that one week. Then I walked out with this guy and we talked for a long, long time on the street. I'd have to say it was pretty clear he was interested although he has a girlfriend and there's also an age difference but sometimes when you're with someone in person you just know. All these years I felt invisible to men being married and then having a child but it seems there's some change that happens when you no longer wear a wedding ring and your child isn't with you - people just see you as a single woman.
Anyway, my husband has been asking for my help with a few minor things lately and I've done it for him because I really want to keep things good between us since he's somehow still coming up with the money that we need and I still want our daughter to see us talking and interacting well. Since everything is happening informally right now without a separation agreement or divorce papers I feel it's better to stay on good terms and do small favors for one another but who knows what will happen.
I still dream of my husband waking up one day and realizing how bad he messed up and working hard to fix everything but I know there's not much else I can do to facilitate that happening. It's now been a year since he left for the second time.
I can't fix all the grammatical errors from typing fast but there's one I just noticed after realizing how fast I typed - there's one sentence that should read, "...my husband has been asking for my help with a few minor things lately and I've done them for him..."
Jim, I wanted to ask how you're doing and if you can post an update on your thread?
